South Africa: Pain Taught Me Contentment

South Africa: Pain Taught Me Contentment

thorn flower2

PAIN,  a short, seemingly innocuous word with a myriad of meanings.

Right now, for me, pain is central to my existence. No matter what I do, it nags at me like an incessant demanding toddler.  It robs me of my concentration, of my memory, of my strength. Yet, if you were to see me, you would have no idea of the war raging inside my body.  I smile politely and do what needs to be done, because I still feel blessed.

You’re probably shaking your head and wondering what medication I’m on.  Let me explain. Many years ago I had no physical pain but I was clinically depressed.  Anyone who has experienced depression will tell you that it’s a numbness that’s so much worse than the strongest pain anyone could experience.  When I was at my worst, I was completely unable to function.  It took many years of trial and error with different therapies, doctors and medications (including a month in a Psychiatric Clinic) before I truly came out of that quagmire I was stuck in.

My “regular” Fibromyalgia pain reminds me that I’m alive and I can feel things again.  I’ve been living with Fibromyalgia for a long time now.  For the most part, I can pretty much ignore it because I know it’s not life-threatening.  I see it more as an inconvenience, not even worth mentioning. Every once in a while I overdo things and I then I experience bad to really bad pain days. Those are the days when I find it hard to do even the most basic things.

I think human beings are very resilient. We quickly get used to living with chronic pain and/or fatigue and/or any other kind of disability.  It becomes the new “normal” and you don’t really remember what it felt like “before”.

So, if I’m used to my Fibromyalgia, what pain am I referring to?  I have Trigeminal Neuralgia on top of my Fibromyalgia and it’s no picnic, especially since there isn’t much you can do about it.  This is the fourth time in my life that I’ve had a Trigeminal Neuralgia “flare up”.  In the past it normally went away after about a week.  This time it has come and doesn’t want to leave. It’s been 3 weeks and counting.  Surprisingly,  I’ve pretty much gotten used to it too.

Believe it or not, what finally broke me down, reduced me to tears and sent me to the ER was lower abdominal pain.  A new pain, one that I’d never felt before.  It turns out I have an ovarian cyst and enlarged left ovary. Again, in the grand scheme of things, no big deal.  It’s not life-threatening.  They often clear up on their own. The positive side of going to the ER was that I was given a wonderful injection (sorry, can’t remember what it was) but for 12 hours I felt NO pain of any kind from anything at all.  I’d forgotten what no pain felt like.  It was like a holiday.

Yes, I’m in a lot of pain right now, but I’m still blessed.  I’m blessed because I don’t have a terminal illness and will likely live to meet my grandchildren one day.  I’m blessed because I have two awesome children that I am extremely proud of and with whom I have a great relationship.  I’m blessed because I have a husband / best friend / partner who has truly stuck by me for richer for poorer (often poorer) in sickness and in health (often sickness) has never complained about it, and loves me despite it all.  I’m blessed because none of this has kicked me back down the bottomless black hole of depression … and, because of all this, I am CONTENT.

Of course I’d love to be pain free – or (at least) back to only my “regular” pain, but this is proof positive that contentment doesn’t come from exterior circumstances.  More than anything else, this understanding is the reason that I am happy that this has happened to me.

One of my favourite Dr Phil quotes is: “No matter how flat you make a pancake, it has two sides.”  Indeed it does, EVERYTHING does.  What I have discovered is that there are truly positives and negatives to everyone, everything, and every situation.  If you are able to see and accept the duality, you’ll always be content!

Have you ever experienced anything that at first seemed really bad but then something really good came out of it?

Mamma Simona lives in Cape Town with her husband, her daughter, two cats and two dogs. Her son recently moved to Germany.

Photo credit to Susie Newday

Mamma Simona (South Africa)

Mamma Simona was born in Rome (Italy) but has lived in Cape Town (South Africa) since she was 8 years old. She studied French at school but says she’s forgotten most of it! She speaks Italian, English and Afrikaans. Even though Italian is the first language she learned, she considers English her "home" language as it's the language she's most comfortable in. She is happily married and the proud mother of 2 terrific teenagers! She also shares her home with 2 cats and 2 dogs ... all rescues. Mamma Simona has worked in such diverse fields as Childcare, Tourism, Library Services, Optometry, Sales and Admin! (With stints of SAHM in-between). She’s really looking forward to the day she can give up her current Admin job and devote herself entirely to blogging and (eventually) being a full-time grandmother!

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SOUTH AFRICA: Terrible Twos AND Terrible Teens?

SOUTH AFRICA: Terrible Twos AND Terrible Teens?

Parenting Styles

I clearly remember (as a young first-time mother struggling with my son’s colic and projectile vomiting) being told by other mothers;  “Oh, that’s nothing, just you wait until he hits the Terrible Twos!”

That colicky baby turned 21 last month, and I have learnt a few things along the way!  First and foremost, children tend to live up to our expectations (even our subconscious expectations).  If you’re sure that you will experience the “Terrible Twos” chances are better than fair that you will. The sad thing is that most parents don’t know that it doesn’t have to be that way!

Every child is unique, and every parent-child relationship is different, that’s why there are as many parenting styles and beliefs as there are parents.  That said, most parenting sites and blogs tend to reinforce certain ideas (like that of the Terrible Toddler years and Terrible Teen years) so that new parents accept them as being inevitable stages of life.

Robert Rosenthal brought to public attention a powerful type of self-fulfilling prophecy, in a classic experiment about the expectations of teachers (Rosenthal & Jacobson, 1968). In the experiment, all the students in a class were given a standard IQ test. After the results were scored, the researchers informed the teachers that five students in the class had unusually high IQ scores and would probably be “spurters” who leaped ahead of their classmates during the remainder of the year. In reality, the five children were picked at random. By the end of the year, all the children had gained in IQ, but the five “spurters” had gained much more than other students. Evidently the teachers treated them differently after being told to expect sudden improvement.”

Since 1968 many similar experiments to the one cited above have been carried out.

“Rosenthal notes that the expectancy effect has been documented in business management (where the biasing effect is the expectations of employers about their employees), in courtrooms (where the biasing effect is the expectations about the defendant’s guilt or innocence), and in nursing homes (where the biasing effect is the expectation that a patient will get better or worse). 

In all cases, the expectations tend to come true, whether they are based on any objective evidence or not. 

 Apparently, as a general rule, people make their expectations come true. Rosenthal’s research shows the Pygmalion effect is not only important; it is robust. It is a strong effect that occurs in many situations.”

I believed in the “Terrible Twos” with my son (because I didn’t know any better) and we battled for 2 years!  By the time my daughter was born, I’d learnt a lot, and I believed we wouldn’t have any trouble at all … guess what, we didn’t! We also haven’t experienced any of the unpleasantness that some believe is unavoidable during the pre-teen, teen and early adulthood years.

Given the above,  I feel that the Terrible Twos and Terrible Teens are only fact if you believe them to be!

Can you think of ways in which your children have lived up to your expectations? Do you believe that by expecting a different result you can create a different result?

This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Mamma Simona from Cape Town, South Africa.

Mamma Simona (South Africa)

Mamma Simona was born in Rome (Italy) but has lived in Cape Town (South Africa) since she was 8 years old. She studied French at school but says she’s forgotten most of it! She speaks Italian, English and Afrikaans. Even though Italian is the first language she learned, she considers English her "home" language as it's the language she's most comfortable in. She is happily married and the proud mother of 2 terrific teenagers! She also shares her home with 2 cats and 2 dogs ... all rescues. Mamma Simona has worked in such diverse fields as Childcare, Tourism, Library Services, Optometry, Sales and Admin! (With stints of SAHM in-between). She’s really looking forward to the day she can give up her current Admin job and devote herself entirely to blogging and (eventually) being a full-time grandmother!

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South Africa: A Reflection On Nelson Mandela’s Legacy

South Africa: A Reflection On Nelson Mandela’s Legacy

Nelson Mandela Statue

On December 5th, I woke up to the news that Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela, affectionately known as Madiba, had passed away after being “on his deathbed” for several months.
In the short time since his death, (not to mention during his many years of service to his country and world), so much has already been written and said about this great man that the only thing I can add is my personal story.
My parents, sister and I emigrated to South Africa from Italy in 1977.  Back then, television and radio were heavily censored and through the media, we were taught that Nelson Mandela and the ANC (African National Congress) were “terrorists” who planted bombs and killed innocents.
Our lives were good and we didn’t question the segregation in government schools.  My husband (whose family also emigrated from Italy a few years before mine) went to a private school where people of all religions and colors were happily accepted, as long as they could afford the fees.

In my opinion, Apartheid was never as rigorously enforced in Cape Town as it was elsewhere in the country. Be that as it may, most of us grew up blissfully unaware of human rights abuses and the like.

Fast forward to the 1990’s and most “white” people feared the worst. In fact, there were so many people leaving the country that a common saying was; “Will the last person to leave South Africa please switch off the lights?”

In my humble opinion it was Nelson Mandela, more than anyone else, who allowed South Africa to transition as smoothly as it did. The civil war which everyone feared just didn’t happen. Madiba revealed himself to be a man who was the polar opposite of whom many of us thought him to be (a “terrorist”). He earned everyone’s respect and admiration.  He was a really great leader who never forgot where he came from. By that I mean that he never let “power” go to his head.  He remained humble and approachable, and spread a message of peace and reconciliation. Mandela’s compassion and love for his fellow man are traits we’d all do well to emulate.

Sadly, the Presidents who have come after Nelson Mandela have betrayed his legacy. Madiba wanted everyone to have a better life. Sadly,  things in this country have gone from bad to worse since Madiba stepped down.  The most tragic part of all is that it is the very poor, “previously disadvantaged”,  people who Madiba sought to empower who are worse off now than ever.
I feel I need to leave the last word to Dr. John Demartini, who wrote this in tribute to the great Nelson Mandela: ” From passive to activist and from prisoner to President one man became a legend in his lifetime though stationed in simplicity and limited in residence he moved the world. Nearly a century of living, but ultimately millenniums of presence, Nelson was contributive through the very core of his essence. It is time to reflect on his great accomplishments and revere his message. Let us all dig deeper into our own nature and find grace and poise since this one man’s direction was the purpose of freedom and presence not race. “
What one quality did you most admire in Nelson Mandela? How can use that quality in yourself to help make the world a better place?

R.I.P. Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela (1918 – 2013)

This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Mamma Simona from Cape Town, South Africa. She shares her home with a husband, 2 kids, 2 cats and 2 dogs.

Photo Credit To: Paul Simpson : Flickr Creative Commons
This photo has a creative commons attribution license.

Mamma Simona (South Africa)

Mamma Simona was born in Rome (Italy) but has lived in Cape Town (South Africa) since she was 8 years old. She studied French at school but says she’s forgotten most of it! She speaks Italian, English and Afrikaans. Even though Italian is the first language she learned, she considers English her "home" language as it's the language she's most comfortable in. She is happily married and the proud mother of 2 terrific teenagers! She also shares her home with 2 cats and 2 dogs ... all rescues. Mamma Simona has worked in such diverse fields as Childcare, Tourism, Library Services, Optometry, Sales and Admin! (With stints of SAHM in-between). She’s really looking forward to the day she can give up her current Admin job and devote herself entirely to blogging and (eventually) being a full-time grandmother!

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SOUTH AFRICA: Why Are We Women So Hard on Ourselves?

SOUTH AFRICA: Why Are We Women So Hard on Ourselves?

SuperwomanSeveral years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It’s a common disorder affecting about 5% of all women and is characterized by widespread pain and many other symptoms.

Fibromyalgia is not a psychiatric disorder, even though a particular kind of anti-depressant or anti-seizure medication is sometimes helpful in controlling the nerve pain.

In my case, on a “good” day I feel the same body “achiness” and fatigue normally associated with the flu. On a “bad” day any movement brings tears to my eyes.

The reason I mentioned my Fibromyalgia is just to illustrate a point – as moms we tend to put everybody else’s well-being ahead of our own.  My daily pain and fatigue is my new “normal” so for the most part I don’t even mention it.  Despite my daily pain, I hold down a full-time job, do chores, do charity work and study online.  Do I think I’m “special” for doing all that? Absolutely not!

Yet I still feel guilty because my husband cooks most night. I also rely on my teenage daughter to do a lot around the house and on my son to clean up the yard. I constantly feel that I’m not doing a good enough job of taking care of my house and my family. I want to be a better wife, mother and employee but I’m physically unable to do more than what I already do.

My husband and children are very loving and supportive. They don’t have a problem with helping out. I’m the one who feels like a failure when I can’t do everything I think I should be doing.

Even knowing that I’m doing the best I can, my inner critic doesn’t seem to cut me any slack. My best is simply not good enough. There, I’ve said it. I don’t think I’m a good enough wife and mother and that’s all I care about. What’s funny is that I know (in my head) that I can’t be all bad. I know I must be doing something right because I have a great relationship with my husband and I’ve helped to raise two really amazing young people.

Recently I started feeling worse than usual but I just chalked it up to my Fibromyalgia and kept on going. I finally went to see my doctor when the bad days weren’t letting up.

It turned out that I was feeling so awful not because of my Fibromyalgia (although that surely didn’t help) but because I had a bacterial infection that had spread from my sinuses to my chest.  I was diagnosed with sinusitis, laryngitis and a chest infection – all of which required antibiotics and bed rest. I didn’t even know it was possible to have all three at the same time.

Obviously my doctor booked me off work.  I stayed home but of course I felt guilty about not going to the office. I know I’m far from unique in this regard. No matter how “good” we moms try to be, we always feel that we’re somehow dropping the ball.

Why is that?  Why is it that we are able to be so supportive of each other and so compassionate towards others, but we’re so harsh with ourselves?

I know that I need to learn a new way of living.  I need to find a way to stop feeling guilty about things that are outside my control.

If you were hoping for some answers from this post, I’m sorry to disappoint you.  I don’t have any answers, just a lot of questions.

How do you change more than 40 years of conditioning so that your children learn a different way of being through your example? How do you learn to accept your limitations with grace and gratitude? How do you start being as kind to yourself as you are to others?

This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Mamma Simona from Cape Town, South Africa. She shares her home with a husband, 2 kids, 2 cats and 2 dogs.

Photo Credit To: Hans Van Den Berg : Flickr Creative Commons
This photo has a creative commons attribution license.

Mamma Simona (South Africa)

Mamma Simona was born in Rome (Italy) but has lived in Cape Town (South Africa) since she was 8 years old. She studied French at school but says she’s forgotten most of it! She speaks Italian, English and Afrikaans. Even though Italian is the first language she learned, she considers English her "home" language as it's the language she's most comfortable in. She is happily married and the proud mother of 2 terrific teenagers! She also shares her home with 2 cats and 2 dogs ... all rescues. Mamma Simona has worked in such diverse fields as Childcare, Tourism, Library Services, Optometry, Sales and Admin! (With stints of SAHM in-between). She’s really looking forward to the day she can give up her current Admin job and devote herself entirely to blogging and (eventually) being a full-time grandmother!

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SOUTH AFRICA: How Much Medical Intervention Is Too Much?

SOUTH AFRICA: How Much Medical Intervention Is Too Much?

medical interventionSome religions have followers who refuse to accept blood transfusions, and other religions actually prohibit medical intervention of any kind. They believe that prayer alone will save those who are ill or injured, and if it doesn’t that it was “God’s will” for that person to die. 

Those of us who don’t belong to those religions tend to shake our heads and feel that they are being unreasonable.  After all, if medicine and/or medical knowledge is available, why should we allow our loved ones to suffer or even die without making use of it? Some would even argue that “God’s will” has allowed us to create the life-saving hospitals and medicines in the first place. Surely, if we love someone we will do everything in our power to save them, won’t we? We pray, but we also avail ourselves of doctors and hospitals.

The question we must then ask ourselves when someone we love is suffering is: At what point are we just prolonging the inevitable demise of a person?  Is it “living” if we are not aware of what is going on around us and can’t breathe by ourselves, or talk, or feed ourselves and have no control at all over our bodies?  How much is too much? (more…)

Mamma Simona (South Africa)

Mamma Simona was born in Rome (Italy) but has lived in Cape Town (South Africa) since she was 8 years old. She studied French at school but says she’s forgotten most of it! She speaks Italian, English and Afrikaans. Even though Italian is the first language she learned, she considers English her "home" language as it's the language she's most comfortable in. She is happily married and the proud mother of 2 terrific teenagers! She also shares her home with 2 cats and 2 dogs ... all rescues. Mamma Simona has worked in such diverse fields as Childcare, Tourism, Library Services, Optometry, Sales and Admin! (With stints of SAHM in-between). She’s really looking forward to the day she can give up her current Admin job and devote herself entirely to blogging and (eventually) being a full-time grandmother!

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