by Karyn Wills | Mar 19, 2015 | 2015, Awareness, Communication, Divorce, Family, Grief, Health, Husband, Identity, Life, Life Lesson, Marriage, Maternal Health, Mental Health, Mental Illness, New Zealand, Priorities, Relationships, Responsibility, Stress, Womanhood, World Motherhood
I didn’t have a bad marriage.
I wasn’t beaten or mistreated.
My ex never had an affair.
Money stressors were manageable.
We rarely argued.
To the outside world we seemed absolutely fine. But we weren’t.
It was, for me, an intensely sad marriage. And for a long time I couldn’t work out why. Here was a perfectly pleasant man who wished me well and who responded to my affection. He worked hard and was what most of us would call a “good guy”. He still is. But my self-esteem was dropping and my mood was becoming a habitual mix of frustration and melancholy.
It was one of those slow drifts downwards, like water eroding rock.
Then, around 10 years ago, he was diagnosed with something call Alexithymia. It’s not a mental disorder but more of a fixed personality trait. It’s common in those formally on the autism spectrum, in those with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders and in some of us with attachment issues from our early childhood.
Basically, anyone with Alexithymia cannot identify the bodily sensations that go along with their emotions. They still have the same sensations but are unable to distinguish between them and label them. They also have a very limited imaginative life, which sounds fine, until you realise predicting outcomes and taking steps to avoid the less desirable ones, are in fact, a product of our imagination.
These two issues give rise to a deep lack of empathy and ability to relate to another human being. Sympathy –the intellectual understanding of the experience of another–can happen but the actual feeling of an emotion, as another has it, in the sense of true empathy, cannot.
For me, this meant I would have to be sobbing in front of my ex before he understood I was sad, and then have to tell him to give me a hug, as the appropriate response. He did not mean to be uncaring. He just never understood subtle body language or had the instinctive responses that most of us have.
There are always three choices in a situation: To alter it; to put up with it; or to leave.
For many years I did my best to see if things could change. I offered to go back to work, so he could get therapy. I suggested counselling, on more than one occasion. None of these offers were ever taken up.
The more I read about Alexithymia, the more I realised… I would never be taken up on any of these. People with Alexithymia see the rest of us as over-emotional and confusing. They cannot see why they would leave their completely logical realms. Their idea of a perfect partner is a kind body in the house with whom there is as little emotional deviation and routines are maintained – this was exactly what our marriage was.
As time went by, I became increasingly distant and detached. At times, I became unpleasant and down right bitchy. Then, around three years ago, someone asked me what made me happy. And I couldn’t tell them. From being someone who was a perpetual optimist, I was by then emotionally dead – aside from experiencing frustration and melancholy. It was a massive wake up call and I knew something had to change.
It did take three years for me to be ready. There is a comfort in familiarity that is enticing. But in the end, my physical body was beginning to suffer, my older boys were finding the emotional disconnect from their father tough going and the other side of the leap to leave seemed less stressful than staying.
I am sure I was by no means the perfect partner either. But I share this here because these are immensely lonely and soul-destroying relationships to be in – and many who are in them either think they are going crazy or that they are the only ones ever to have this experience or some combination of both. But neither are true.
You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. The shell of the outside relationship that the world sees is not the whole story.
I understand.
Have you ever known someone with Alexithymia? Tell us your tale.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our long-time contributor and mother to three in New Zealand, Karyn Sparkles Willis.
The image used in this post is attributed to Nathan Jones. It carries a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
Karyn is a teacher, writer and solo mother to three sons. She lives in the sunny wine region of Hawke’s Bay, New Zealand in the city of Napier.
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by Tara Bergman (USA) | Mar 13, 2015 | 2015, Awareness, Communication, Life Lesson, Tara B., USA, World Motherhood, Writing
I currently have someone in my life with whom I can only contact via letters. I am talking about snail mail, meaning hand writing or typing a cohesive self-narrative, putting a stamp on it, and sending it out into the world via the U.S. Postal Service. While this may not sound earth shattering, I’ve experienced a cognitive re-awakening. Living so fully immersed in the world of social media, texting, and email, I forgot what it was like to truly engage in traditional correspondence. (more…)
Tara is a native Pennsylvanian who moved to the Seattle area in 1998 (sight unseen) with her husband to start their grand life adventure together. Despite the difficult fact that their family is a plane ride away, the couple fell in love with the Pacific Northwest and have put down roots. They have 2 super charged little boys and recently moved out of the Seattle suburbs further east into the country, trading in a Starbucks on every corner for coyotes in the backyard. Tara loves the outdoors (hiking, biking, camping). And, when her family isn't out in nature, they are hunkered down at home with friends, sharing a meal, playing games, and generally having fun. She loves being a stay-at-home mom and sharing her experiences on World Moms Network!
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by Shaula Bellour (Indonesia) | Mar 12, 2015 | 2015, Awareness, Being Thankful, Exercise, Expat Life, Family, Health, Hobby, Identity, Indonesia, Inspirational, Life, Life Balance, Life Lesson, Living Abroad, Maternal Health, Me-Time, Motherhood, New Year's Resolutions, Parenting, Responsibility, Running, School, Shaula Bellour, Womanhood, World Motherhood
Last Sunday I ran my first 5K race. I still can’t believe that I actually did it – and in the tropical heat, no less. Although I have vaguely considered it a worthy goal, running an actual race wasn’t on my radar even two months ago.
It turns out that 2015 is the year of living dangerously…out of my comfort zone.
My kids often talk about being “risk-takers”. It is one of the ten traits included in the school Learner Profile and students are encouraged to be inquirers, knowledgeable, thinkers, communicators, principled, open-minded, caring, risk-takers, balanced, and reflective. While these traits are all deemed equally important, being a risk-taker is a concept that seems to be especially resonant outside of school too: “I am a risk-taker: I am willing to make mistakes. I am confident and have the courage to try new things.”
For my generally confident (and fruit-averse) daughter, this might mean: “Look Mommy, I’m a risk-taker, I’m eating a mango!” My son takes a more reflective approach – acknowledging when he feels nervous about doing something and emboldening himself with his risk-taker status to eventually take the plunge. Though risk-taking will probably have a different connotation when they are older, I embrace what it means for them now – trying new things and not being afraid to make mistakes.
It’s an important lesson for grown ups, too.
In January, after three years of living in Jakarta, I was starting to feel like my daily life was becoming somewhat routine. Gym, work, grocery store, repeat. To change things up, I found myself saying YES to things that I might not usually consider.
When a friend asked if I wanted to join their early morning running group, I said YES. I knew that the group would likely be too advanced for me but figured that I wouldn’t know if I didn’t try. “What’s the worst that could happen?” I asked myself. I would walk, that’s it. I did walk some at first, but I set my own goals and improved each week. Now we’re training for a 10K.
When another friend asked if I would like to be part of their dance group for an upcoming fashion show event, I said yes to that too. Other friends and even my husband were surprised. Performing a dance routine in front of a huge crowd is WAY beyond my comfort zone, but again I thought: “Why not?” In this case I try not to think about the worst that could happen (falling off the stage comes to mind) but I’m proud of myself for doing it and am actually looking forward to the big night.
I’ve continued with the YES theme in other areas of my life and have already seen positive changes: improved health, new friendships, new possibilities. I’ve realized that pushing my boundaries in this way is also about adjusting my own perceptions of myself. “Oh, but I’m not a runner,” I would repeatedly explain, trying to somehow qualify my actions.
Well now I am a runner. And a dancer. Among many other things.
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
Our kids may not recognize some of the bigger risk-taking decisions we’ve made (like moving our lives halfway around the world), but it’s often the smaller actions that resonate the most.
It feels good for them to see that I can be a risk-taker too – I can be afraid sometimes and I can also be brave, just like they are.
When I walked in the door after the race, finisher’s medal around my neck, both kids jumped up from the couch with wide eyes. “Mommy!” my daughter exclaimed, “I didn’t know you would win the race!”
Not exactly…but YES! In my own way, I did.
What risks are you putting out there for yourself this year? How are you embracing these challenges?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by our mom of twins in Jakarta, Indonesia, Shaula Bellour.
The image used in this post is attributed to the author.
Shaula Bellour grew up in Redmond, Washington. She now lives in Jakarta, Indonesia with her British husband and 9-year old boy/girl twins. She has degrees in International Relations and Gender and Development and works as a consultant for the UN and non-governmental organizations.
Shaula has lived and worked in the US, France, England, Kenya, Eritrea, Kosovo, Lebanon and Timor-Leste. She began writing for World Moms Network in 2010. She plans to eventually find her way back to the Pacific Northwest one day, but until then she’s enjoying living in the big wide world with her family.
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by Cindy Levin | Mar 3, 2015 | 2015, Education, Life Lesson, World Moms Blog, World Voice
My daughter’s grade school class presented a “Wax Museum” yesterday. It was a program where the students dressed up as prominent historical figures from past and present chosen from short biographies in the school library. Each prepared a short summary of the life of their chosen person to memorize and recite. All the children were adorable. We parents walked out laughing about the cuteness of the kids and the creativity in the costumes they created. As we headed out to the cars, moms and dads chimed in about how that wonderful presentation had the unfortunate side effect of making us think about our own mortality and legacies.
“Man, there’s not a lot of time yet for me to do something amazing!”
“Bill Gates built his fortune by age 31. What have I accomplished?”
“Nobody’s ever going to have write a book about me for the children’s section.”
On the drive home, I started to think about incredible people I know in my own life who don’t happen to be famous enough to be in the biography section of the elementary school library. I wondered what the wax museum would have looked like if some of my everyday heroes had been chosen?
What would their humanly complex, heroic yet ordinary lives sound like in the simplified words of a third grader’s summary?
There would have been a little boy with a taped on blondish mustache and a Hawaiian shirt saying, “My name is Bob Dickerson. I don’t want any child to die especially from something that can be prevented. One time, I saw two girls drowning when they were swimming. I rescued them by grabbing them and bringing them to safety, so I know what it’s like to save a life of a child. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought I wouldn’t have much time to live so I quit my job and dedicated the rest of my life to ending needless childhood deaths from disease and hunger by fighting poverty with an organization called RESULTS. Over and over, I asked Congress to use our tax money to save kids’ lives with vaccines, good nutrition, and easy medical treatments. Every single month, I worked with other volunteers to figure out how to talk to our representatives and senators. Together, we brought the number of daily child deaths from 40,000 a day to 17,000 per day. I encouraged and inspired many young leaders to follow my example. “
There would have been a little girl in hiking boots or running shoes saying, “My name is Teresa Rugg. When one of my friends lost his wife and baby to Tuberculosis (TB), I said I would help however I could to make sure people didn’t die from such a terrible disease. I started an organization called TB Photovoice to gather stories of TB patients and survivors and share them to improve the lives of people and their communities. The storytellers take incredible photos of their experiences and present their own words and pictures to people who need to know about TB. I did all this to raise awareness about a disease that most people think doesn’t even exist anymore. I spoke out to Congress about stopping TB in the US and all around the world. I did all of this while living out in Washington State where I could hike and run all over having a fun outdoorsy life, enjoying nature with my two wonderful children, my husband, and my dog.”
There might have even been a little girl wearing either a nice dress and a snappy brown coat or maybe a sweatshirt and yoga pants saying, “My name is Jennifer Burden. When I was a kid and people were saying bad things about people from the Middle East, I thought, ‘If only they could know my Grandma, they could never think something like that!’ I started World Moms Blog from my house, so that moms all over the world could share stories together and foster understanding between cultures. I also became a champion of women’s and girl’s issues, encouraging others to write and speak out about them. I taught my own daughters about being fair and how we can save lives of people who need our help even if we are far away.”
And you know what else? There would probably still be that little boy up there playing Bill Gates. But instead of saying what year he made his first billion dollars, he’d be saying, “In 2015, I promised to give away 1.5 billion dollars – more than even the United States – to the GAVI Alliance to help vaccines reach every child and end polio in my lifetime.”
This is an original post written for World Moms Blog by Cindy Levin.
Who would be in your wax museum?
Cynthia Changyit Levin is a mother, advocate, speaker, and author of the upcoming book “From Changing Diapers to Changing the World: Why Moms Make Great Advocates and How to Get Started.” A rare breed of non-partisan activist who works across a variety of issues, she coaches volunteers of all ages to build productive relationships with members of Congress. She advocated side-by-side with her two children from their toddler to teen years and crafted a new approach to advocacy based upon her strengths as a mother. Cynthia’s writing and work have appeared in The New York Times, The Financial Times, the Washington Post, and many other national and regional publications. She received the 2021 Cameron Duncan Media Award from RESULTS Educational Fund for her citizen journalism on poverty issues. When she’s not changing the world, Cynthia is usually curled up reading sci-fi/fantasy novels or comic books in which someone else is saving the world.
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by Tina Marie Ernspiker | Feb 27, 2015 | 2015, Expat Life, Family, International, Kids, Life Lesson, Living Abroad, Mexico, Motherhood, Nature, Parenting, Vacationing, World Motherhood, Younger Children
As a wife of one and a mom of four, it seems like I am always learning and discovering! I know I am not alone. Let’s just admit it: The world is a big place, life is a lesson, and children can be the best teachers. Normally my series, Life Lessons with Mexico Mom, is hosted on Los Gringos Locos, but today I am posting here on World Moms Blog.
This week’s life lessons are all about camping in the Mexico mountains. A few weeks ago we took the kids to Grutas Tolantongo. This place is amazing! It is a hot spring park located in the southeast mountains of Mexico. The hot spring water flows out of a waterfall, into a cave, down a series of rapids, and finally through the valley in a hot water river. How awesome does that sound? Here are my insights and experiences as a Mexico Mom, camping near a hot water river:
Life Lesson 56: Don’t leave the baby’s travel crib at home. Brad said we didn’t have room for it in our tent. I thought leaving it was a bad idea but I decided to go with the flow. This was a terrible mistake. Tristan was totally out of his element. He must have cried and screamed for two hours before falling asleep. We were afraid the campground was going to kick us out. Finally I put him in his stroller, which he hated even more then being free range in a small tent. When I got him out of the stroller to change his diaper, he was so exhausted from kicking and yelling that he fell asleep beside me and slept all night. From now on the crib goes with us even if Brad has to sleep outside for lack of tent space 😉
Life Lesson 57: Don’t trust a nine year old near rapids. The river is shallow and divided into pools by large stones that create small rapids. I told Taylor and Alexis to stay in a specific pool and not to go over the rapids into another pool. I was afraid they would fall on the slippy rocks. Sure enough, Taylor decides to stand up on a large stone and make funny faces while wiggling her bum at her sister. She slipped and went through the rapids. Next thing I know, her goggles are floating down the river and she is crying at the top of her lungs. After getting Taylor out of the water, I saw she had scraped her back along the rocks. She had small cuts and bruises down the length of her spine. My poor kid was a little traumatized, but after learning the hard way, she stayed away from the rapids.
Life Lesson 58: Don’t try taking the stroller on a hiking trail. Yes, we are that nutty. I guess we thought that the trail was a very short distance, with flat terrain. Nope. After walking a mile up a mountain, over steps, rocks, and tree roots, traveling through forest complete with banana trees, under a zip line, and over a few creeks, we finally made it to the other half of Grutas Tolantongo. It was worth the effort but thankfully we were able to take the shuttle back to our campsite. Oh yeah, they had a shuttle the whole time. At least we exercised for the week and saw some of the most beautiful mountain scenery in Hidalgo, Mexico.
What life lessons did you learn this past week? Please share it with us below. We want to hear your thoughts from around the world!
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Tina Marie Ernspiker. Tina can be found blogging over at Los Gringos Locos. She is also on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo credit to the author.
by Karyn Wills | Feb 26, 2015 | 2015, Adolescence, Awareness, Being Thankful, Boys, Brothers, Caring, Childhood, Computers, Family, Identity, Life, Life Lesson, Milestones, Motherhood, New Zealand, News, Older Children, Parenting, Rape, Responsibility, Responsibility, Sex, Sleep and Children, Social Media, Technology, Teenagers, World Motherhood
On Saturday night, I had the privilege of hosting three of my 13 year-old son’s friends for a sleep-over. They are lovely boys, and all I have to do is feed them and ignore them. I don’t mention things like showers or teeth-brushing, and in return they pretty much keep to themselves and don’t expect me to converse about Minecraft, Clash of Clans or Team Fortress II.
I teased them a little about not letting girls in while I drove my 9 year-old to a birthday party. I didn’t make a big deal of things when one of them smuggled in cola. I laughed with them, when on my return from the party drop-off, they were trying to stuff MacDonalds packaging into my kitchen rubbish bin. They pushed their limits with bedtime, of course. And they declined the offer of mattresses to sleep on (too much work for them to get them into our lounge) and slept on the carpet…. because, they’re 13 and their bodies still bend in ways mine don’t.
It was both innocent and, I felt, an appropriate mix of mischief and compliance.
Then, on Sunday, I heard of other 13 year-olds who had been in online chat rooms, talking about anal-sex and rape. Not in general terms, but in…. I shall be doing this to you terms…. These are kids who come from great homes and who have very loving families. I immediately thought: there but the Grace of God go I.
Children easily get caught up with what their friends are doing, or those who they emulate. My 13 year-old could have easily been one of those involved and I have no doubt all three of my boys will make stupid mistakes as they move from childhood to adulthood. Just not this time. Thank goodness.
The biggest worry, for me, was that there was at least one unidentified person in the chat-group who could, quite literally, have been anyone. It’s probably another 13 year-old, a friend or acquaintance but it could just as easily be a predator who was scoping for a target. And that makes it all the more scary.
The same is true of a local man who is hanging around liquor stores offering to buy alcohol and cigarettes for underage kids, 14 and 15 year-olds. He does this for a while. Then he offers drugs. Then it’s parties at his house. This is a whole different scenario from the stranger-danger I taught my boys when they were small.
We’re talking about people who are consciously befriending those kids who want to seem older than they are, and who are ready to break rules. They are grooming relationships before they pounce. They are feeding the teenage need to belong and the teenage need to experiment and do things that their parents may not approve of.
So we hit the teenage years, and now I find parenting is not so black and white.
No, I don’t want my kids drinking alcohol or smoking but do I buy them a few beers to take to a party, so that creeps don’t target them and they go behind my back? No, I don’t want my kids smoking pot but if they choose to, should I allow it when they know who grew it, rather than have them turn to those who lace it with P?
No, I don’t want my kids to be suggesting they will rape someone or perform anal sex on them, but I also don’t want them to be excluded from other things their peers are doing.
Suddenly, a conversation about Minecraft seems pretty appealing afterall.
What do you do or have you done to deal with these aspects of parenting?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer and mother of three, rapidly growing boys in New Zealand, Karyn Willis.
The image used in this post is attributed to JD Hancock and holds a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
Karyn is a teacher, writer and solo mother to three sons. She lives in the sunny wine region of Hawke’s Bay, New Zealand in the city of Napier.
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