A few days after my firstborn son graced us with his presence, I sat in my living room cradling him while he slept. I was chatting with my parents, who had traveled from South Africa to herald the arrival of their first grandchild. I looked down at my sleeping baby and my heart filled with so much love that I thought I was going to burst. Softly, I said, “Giving away a baby must be the hardest decision in the world for a mom.”
As I uttered those words, I was thinking of the circumstances of my own birth.
Having a baby out of wedlock was considered to be a social disgrace 42 years ago – so much so that when my birth mother became pregnant, she left town in order to avoid telling her parents. Sometimes I try to put myself in the shoes of this woman who was young and frightened, living in a strange city far away from everyone she knew, and trying to decide on the fate of her unborn child. I just cannot imagine how overwhelming and heartbreaking it must have been. Especially the part where she handed over her baby girl to a pair of complete strangers.
Adoption in those days was shrouded in secrecy. By law, adoptive parents and birth parents were not allowed to have any contact with each other. Their identities were kept from each other, and no background information was shared. It was a vastly different landscape than today, where birth mothers get to choose the prospective parents before the baby is even born and often play a very involved role in the raising of the child.
When my mom and dad adopted my brother and I, they went into the whole parenting thing more or less blind. They had no idea where their kids had come from, they knew nothing about medical histories or genetic predispositions, and they had to try and settle into new parenthood with social workers breathing down their necks. They waited out the first six months with both of us – the time during which birth parents could ask for their babies back – in a state of permanent anxiety.
As secretive as adoption was back then, it was always a subject completely open for discussion in my family. I do not remember a time when I did not know that I was adopted. My brother and I never asked a question about it that went unanswered, and there was no taboo placed upon the fact of our adoption. Right from the get-go, we were free to discuss our adoption with whomever we liked, in any way we chose.
Our status as adopted kids even seeped into our sibling rivalry fights. My brother used to tell me that he had come from a family of noblemen and princesses (he hadn’t) while my birth father was a tattooed gangster who had escaped from a mental hospital (he wasn’t). And when we told our mom, with the bluntness of young children who are mad at their parents, that our “real mothers” were prettier than her, she didn’t even bat an eyelid.
When my brother and I decided, at some point in our twenties, to seek out our respective birth mothers, our parents were fully supportive. They did not feel threatened, as some people feared they might. They realized that to my brother and I, they were Mom and Dad, and nothing in the world was going to change that.
Meeting my birth mother for the first time was emotional and overwhelming. It felt surreal, coming face to face with this woman who, so many years previously, had made a brave and heartbreaking decision. Several days after meeting her, I met my birth father, to whom I bear an uncanny physical resemblance. Both of them became friends not only to me, but to my family. One year I went to visit my birth mother and her husband in their home on the Greek islands. When my dad died, my birth father was at his funeral. I got to meet some half-siblings and a grandmother.
I count myself very fortunate. Adoption forty years ago was a roll of the dice – I could have ended up with any family, in any circumstances. The family I got were stable and loving. My parents were not without their faults, of course, but the good far outweighed the bad. I have often said that if I am half as good a mother as my mom has been to me, then my two boys are doing OK.
And my birth parents? Well, I regard them as dear beloved friends, to whom I just happen to have a biological connection.
Were you raised by someone other than your biological parents? Do you think full disclosure in adoptions is a good or a bad thing?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Kirsten Doyle of Toronto, Canada. Kirsten can also be found on her blog, Running for Autism, or on Twitter @Running4autism. You can also connect with her on Facebook.
Photo credit to the author.
Kirsten Doyle (Canada)
Kirsten Doyle was born in South Africa. After completing university, she drifted for a while and finally washed up in Canada in 2000. She is Mom to two boys who have reached the stage of eating everything in sight (but still remaining skinny). Kirsten was a computer programmer for a while before migrating into I.T. project management. Eventually she tossed in the corporate life entirely in order to be a self-employed writer and editor. She is now living her best life writing about mental health and addictions, and posting videos to two YouTube channels. When Kirsten is not wrestling with her kids or writing up a storm, she can be seen on Toronto's streets putting many miles onto her running shoes. Every year, she runs a half-marathon to benefit children with autism, inspired by her older son who lives life on the autism spectrum. Final piece of information: Kirsten is lucky enough to be married to the funniest guy in the world. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to check out her YouTube channels at My Gen X Life and Word Salad With Coffee!
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I think you are plain lucky to have all those wonderful people in your life.
I think healthy disclosure like your parents have done is necessary in adoption.
Lucky doesn’t begin to describe it! I feel enriched by having these people in my life. Thank you for reading!
Kirsten, I think you’re incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful family, and that your parents were so open about adoption, is truly a gift from them to you and your brother.
I knew a kid years ago who found out as a teen that she had been adopted. I’m very grateful that my parents did everything they could to ensure that there was no sense of mystery behind it. Thank you for the comment!
What a wonderful heartwearming post. I have two adopted children and we have openly spoken about adoption from as early as we could so that they understand that they are loved just as they are and are also loved by the biological parents who made the decision to give them the best chance of fulfilling their potential,
Thank you for weighing in as an adoptive parent. It sounds like your kids have had a tremendous start to life.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have recently also started a blog and spoken about my experience of meeting my babies http://mumday.wordpress.com/ All the best with your Running for Autism endeavours
I totally believe that honesty is the best policy and that family bonds are forged by love and mutual respect rather than “genetic link”!
I actually fully believed that I was adopted (I wasn’t) just because of the way my parents treated me in comparison to how they treated my brother and sister. My mom actually told me once (after I’d had my first child) words which I have never forgotten – “That feeling you have for your son I’ve never felt for you. I feel our relationship is more that of siblings than mother and daughter”. I knew it to be true, but it still hurt to hear her say it! 🙁
The only reason I mention my own dysfunctional history is to illustrate how little genetics have to do with the creation of “family”! In every way (other than giving birth to me) my grandparents ARE my parents.
I’m 43 years old now and it took me about 40 years to make peace with the fact that my “biological parents” have never really been parents to me. With acceptance and honesty comes peace. 🙂
What a sad, sad story. I am so sorry you had that experience growing up. No child should ever feel that way. You are so right. “Family” is all about the relationships, not about the blood ties. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I think it can be good or bad. It’s up to the birthmother to decide what she thinks she can handle as far as contact. I know for some it’s easier to just cut off all contact so they can maybe try and forget about everything they went through. For me I am expecting end of August and i want to be able to have a very open relationship with the child and adopting family 🙂 i want my child to know how much i loved him/her and that i am making this decision out of selflessness and love <3
How wonderful of you, as a birth mother, to share your views. My own view is that contact should be with the full, informed consent of both the child and the parent. When I made contact with my birth mother, it was through social workers who knew how to do this stuff. I wish you, your child, and the adopting family all the best. I think you are doing something so incredible, and I take my hat off to you a million times over.
I have two sons, both adopted internationally. We are very open in our discussions of adoption. Although both of our sons are young at the moment, we plan on being honest and open with them on all topics relating to their pasts and their adoptions. Adoption is already a word they know well and is used often in our home so that it is viewed as a normal and positive thing. One of my sons has autism, so the concept of adoption is not something he can easily grasp at the moment, but we hope that as he becomes older, he can understand more. We all just feel so blessed to have found each other 🙂
I can imagine that adoption would be very hard for a child with autism to understand. As an autism mom myself, I would advise you to just talk frankly and openly with your autie about adoption, just as you would with your other son. Our kiddos very frequently understand a lot more than they let on. It is a blessing indeed. Thank you for the comment!
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Thank you so much!
You are very welcome! It’s my pleasure!
Kirsten,
This is such a beautiful story. I love how your parents were so open about their adoptions. I can imagine that being surprised by finding out later in life that you are adopted can be difficult if you just never expected it.
I think what your parents did makes total sense — being open at the beginning. It sounds like you are a lucky lady and wound up with great parents! 🙂
Jen 🙂
I am lucky indeed. I know of adoptees who did were not treated well by their parents, and that makes me so sad. Why go to all of the trouble of adopting a child if you are not going to love that child unconditionally? Thanks for the comment!
This is a beautiful story and I agree that being open and honest is the best policy. Being able to make sense of our lives – with all the bumps and lumps – is so important for good mental health. Thanks for sharing – I can’t imagine what your birth Mum had to go through emotionally with giving you up, either.
You are so right. Growing up with unknowns, or believing one thing and later discovering that the truth is quite different, can have such far-reaching effects. Thank you for the comment!
I’m not sure why but reading your post made me teary. Not that I’m adopted, think I’m just touched by your adoptive parents – their love for you, their openness about adoption, and how supportive they had been when you and your brother wanted to seek out your biological parents. I think it takes a lot of love and strength to be able to do that. It’s a blessing that things turn out well for you.
Thank you! That’s really the big thread in all of this – the meaning of true parental love. It took a lot of love for my birth mother to give me up, and it took a lot of love for my parents to raise me as their own and offer their full support.
So glad you shared this. I am very sure that honesty is always the best policy. This sometimes hurts me as well as my children as I hurt when they hurt. Our situation is a little different as our non-biological children have all come to us through fostering. We now have bio, adopted and foster children. They all know that they are deeply loved and that they are very unique and precious for who they are. I too feel that genetics is not nearly as important as knowing that you are loved and cared for the way a child should be. Because of certain cirrcumstances being beyond our control,we still have foster children who have asked many times to be adopted by us but cannot be. I truly hope that all of my children will be able to feel the way you do even as they grow older.
Thank you for your post, what a beautiful story! I have three adoptive siblings (two are actually my cousins who my mother adopted when her sister died)