Breathing into Relationship:
The Dance Between Diversity and Unity
The highest form of intimacy is love that does not annihilate difference. Evelyn Keller
I recently had dinner with some new friends from Nepal, a husband and wife and two younger children. My husband and I and our two children showed up to the apartment where chicken wings were frying, dal was bubbling in a silver pot and fried pakora was placed neatly on a plate.
As we sipped warm spicy chai tea, we talked in short sentences, learning to understand each other. I heard stories of loneliness and isolation in a new land, adventures to the mountains and the sand dunes of southern Colorado, and stories of the gods Sita and Ram from the Hindu tradition.We took pictures together and laughed and ran around the small apartment, playing hide and seek with a pink Nepali scarf tied around our heads.
Ajita, the Nepali woman, spent most of her time in the kitchen cooking, remaining very quiet and eating by herself in the living room. I felt discomfort arise at what seemed to be a cultural tradition, the woman preparing and serving the food but not participating in eating the meal.
When we sat down to eat, we were served with solid copper plates that are used only for “special guests.” We were asked if we wanted forks or if we wanted to eat with our hands and we all opted for the latter. Giri taught us how to eat properly with our hands as we tried to master this surprisingly difficult task.
He said to us, “I have tried to eat with a fork here, but I just do not feel nourished when I do.” After a delicious meal and nourishing fellowship, we left bowing saying namaste to one another. Giri said, “You are like family to us.”
On the way home, my family and I had a conversation about difference. My children shared how great it was to eat with their hands and asked if they could do that all of the time. We talked about the children’s names and how they were different from any names they had ever heard. We then talked about cultural differences that felt uncomfortable, like Ajita not eating with us or speaking very much.
I explained that though those differences were uncomfortable, it was important to respect that difference. I shared that some of our ancestors, and even people today, try to change the way other cultures live in the world. They travel to other parts of the world and begin changing the ways that people speak, dress, pray and eat, sometimes they even do this in the name of God.
My son was flabbergasted and asked with a stunned expression on his face, “Why would they do that Mom?”
I responded, “Maybe because they are afraid of difference. Rather than breathe into the fear, they ask others to be like them so that they can feel safe in the world.” With a sad face he said, “But it is so fun to try new things.”
A Breathing Foundation
Breathing grounds us in our own experience. Difference becomes stark when we forget the interrelationship that the breath offers. Paying attention to the breath give us a chance to respond to this complex and diverse world rather than reacting to it out of fear. As I sat at Giri and Ajita’s table, I felt uncomfortable that Ajita was preparing and serving the food but not partaking in the feast with us.
When I jumped up into my head, thinking about all of the ways I could address this “issue”, I was self absorbed. But when I chose to breathe into the discomfort I was feeling it slowly shifted into gratitude for the gifts that Ajita and her family were offering to us.
To my surprise, rather than trying to change Ajita, I spent the last half hour of our time together talking with her about her new job, how she misses her family and what she loves to eat. Breathing into my experience helped build relationship. This inner attentiveness grounded me in my own experience, which included discomfort and even judgment, and allowed me to relate to the world from a rooted internal place. By breathing into my own reaction to difference, I found a deeper place of unity with myself and with Ajita.
The concept of unity can be feared by those who have experienced colonization, or domination. People have lost their lives, their families, their culture and language all in the name of “unity.” Unity is not about incorporating difference to alleviate individual or collective discomfort with difference or complexity. This is an easy way out of the discomfort we feel when confronted with a different way of speaking, eating, worshiping, governing etc.
Unity comes from taking personal responsibility for our own unique experiences; our feelings and reactions to this world. Beginning with the breath as a fundamental grounding source, we have the opportunity to experience our emotions and be responsible for our own reactions to those emotions.
Without attention, we tend to react to the world in harmful and oppressive ways. We project emotion onto others, manipulate others to be what we want, and we can even resort to using physical or emotional violence to alter what we don’t like or fear in the world. Paying attention to our breathing grounds us in the moment and allows us to pay attention to the other more deeply and honorably.
Unity is not found by transcending or manipulating difference. Unity is found in the deep work of fully embodying and experiencing our own lives. From this grounded and present place, we are better equipped to attend to the world around us.
Have you ever gotten yourself to look at a situation differently for better understanding? Have you heard of breathing into a relationship before?
This is an original guest post to the World Moms Blog Social Good column by Jenny Finn of Colorado, USA. Jenny can be found offering opportunities for healing through creative expression and embodied practice on her blogs, Moving Mama and Soma Movement.
Photo credit to Shawn Z. Rossi. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Here in India, it is the same. I would like to share some things. Jen, you may edit out the comment if you feel so.
When we are at home, we either use spoon or fork. But when we go out to common gatherings with family and extended family for occassions and family celebrations or festivals, where we all have to eat together, then we have to do so on a plaintain leaf with the hand. Plates are more modern than the plaintain leaf. And then the ladies cook silently and serve silently. They do not socialise with the guys. They are supposed to discuss their own separate things which always happen in the common kitchen. So, I socialise with my husband’s male cousins only over FB.. lol. Not so much in person. Well, that is just the thing here in rural India. But in metros and capitals, thngs are far different. You would all be surprised to see the spectrum of divide in so many socialogical and cultural things… And my son never questions why we eat using spoons at home whereas we eat using the hand in commn gettogethers.. We just accept such things as part of life. I think this place is great. You know, after reading this post, I feel, I have never given much thought to even such things though they are part of my everday life. I do not talk to male elders unless I am spoken to, unless I am saying the customary namaste (hello).. And some such things. But it is not a sign of oppression. It is just a socio-cultural thing.
And we are all united. I mean, we all love the whole family. the whole extended family. But some are open, grown up to the latest times, some are not. But they are all a part of us. And we just blend in with various types of people and we just áre’. I mean, I do not how to explain this. BUt I am sure the experience with Ajitha and Giri should have been very enriching.
Hi Jenny,
I have never heard of breathing into a relationship before. Thank you for giving us a new, interesting perspective towards unity and understanding! It is so easy to bring so much of ourselves and our thoughts into a relationship, which may prevent us from “hearing” the other person. It feels like you found a really unique connection to Azita through your breath!
Thank you so much for your guest post to our Social Good column!
Jen 🙂
Hi Alchemist and Jen! Thank you so much for reading and for your comments. One thing I have learned, which is obvious really, is that life tends towards diversity not uniformity. How do we as human beings learn to breathe into difference rather than fear it? Focusing on my breath grounds me in the moment and allows me to be present to the experience of others, no matter how different they are.
Thank you for sharing your experiences Alchemist. I have spent just a little bit of time in India and learned so much while I was there. I met the most wonderful people, ate some of the best food of my life and shared in spiritual/devotional experiences that I will not forget. This is why difference is so important, I get to see and experience life in a different way and it is fun! Either right here in my town or through traveling. I look forward to reading some of your writings on this blog Alchemist!
And Jen, you are right, we often jump up into our heads, our thoughts, when we experience the world around us, mostly because that is what we have been taught to do. To breathe into relationship allows us to receive connection in a different way.
Thank you again. It feels so empowering to connect with women around the world in this way.
Peace to you all,
Jenny
Excellent post and very interesting concept. I spent three weeks trekking in Nepal last year and loved the culture. Yes women have it much harder than men and not always the same rights. But I agree that it is not our place to change a long culture.
Hi Third Eye Mom! I love that name and your blog is great! Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience! Peace to you and yours.
Jenny Finn, you’re giving not only your children a great gift by your example, but also our planet! As more and more of us open ourselves to the truth that our uniqueness is something to be treasured and not feared, I foresee a time with far less strife born out of ignorance and misunderstanding! 🙂
I live in South Africa … need I say more? We’re not called the “Rainbow Nation” for nothing! 🙂 Living here gives me daily opportunities to interact with many different ethnicities, cultures and religions. I feel blessed that I’ve been given this great opportunity to learn how special each human being is in their own way. My son is 19 years old and my daughter is 16. They have grown up to embrace diversity in all its many forms. My heart swells with pride and love and I wish everyone would embrace the joy of “unity in diversity” like a lot of us are doing in Cape Town! <3
NAMASTE' – I honour the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells.
I honour the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace.
When you are in that space in you and I am in that space in me, we are One.
Hi Mamma Simona! Thank you so much for your comments and for the namaste blessing. Such a precious blessing. I traveled with my family to South Africa two years ago- I learned so much when I was there. Also, I visited Charly’s Bakery- which was just such a source of joy (and deliciousness!)
And I love what you say here- that uniqueness is something to be treasured- how boring life would be without it!
Many blessings to you and yours,
Jenny
Jenny, I love this idea of breathing into relationships! We seem to be very ‘head’ orientated in the west; whereas approaching people from a more ‘heart’ perspective, which I interpret this to be, is far more useful.
So very true Karyn. My work in the world is devoted to creating space for people to sink more deeply into their breathing bodies and beating hearts..there is so much life in there! I trust the more connected we are to ourselves, the more connected we are to each other and the planet. Thank you for reading! Peace to you!
I have experienced similar awkwardness in my travels to Muslim countries, particularly wanting the women around me to have the same “freedoms” that I do and for them to not be “confined” in their strict gender roles, but I quickly realized that my perspective and discomforting is my own and that it can even seem condescending to express my unease, and even disrespectful. I bet your breathing into your relationship with Ajita made her breath more easily, too, allowing her to be herself within the context where she doesn’t have to adjust to your judgments about her culture. I can’t say that I’ve “breathed into” relationships, but I know for sure that I’ve “breathed out” of a lot of awkward moments! Gorgeous post!
Hi Wanderlustress! How lovely this is to connect with moms around the planet! What you say here rings to true in my heart. Breathing into What Is allows for relationship to flow in ways that it simply can’t when I am judging or holding onto preconceived notions. And I understand the breathing out that you mention here. When I inhale, receive breath, I feel supported in ways that allow me to respond to the world in more creative and courageous ways. I feel more grounded in the world when I consciously receive my breathing as a gift. It is ancient and amazing! Safe travels to you and your family!!
This is a great read, and a great reminder to step back and observe before passing judgement. I teach my students to follow a “Visual thinking” routine that has them “See, Think, Wonder.” They begin by stepping back and observing- just noting what they see, adding no interpretation or judgement. Then they can approach the thinking about what they see, likening it to other things that they experience, making connections, and “interpreting.” Finally, they ask questions and wonder about what they have observed. After teaching this routine so many times, I find that it is now how I approach many, many experiences. In a way, it is similar to what you have written about breathing into experiences/relationships. If we take the time to suspend judgement, we have a far greater chance of learning more and enjoying more. Thanks for the great post!
Thank you Lady E.! I love what you wrote here. Yes, stopping to breathe and pay attention allows me to check in with my judgements and gives me the opportunity to respond in a non-reactive, wonder-filled way! Thank you for reading!