Having just been for my 18-week scan, and seeing that all is well, I feel like I am finally starting to relax a bit. After two miscarriages last year, I have been careful not to get my hopes up too much, but now I feel like I can start to think about the future.
The morning sickness is starting to ease off slowly (after having it 24 hours a day, it is only in the morning now) and I am starting to feel like having my latte in the morning, so I think it is going the right way now. (It probably also helps that spring is finally here and that the days are longer and lighter).
We are so excited about having number two – but at the same time, it is slightly scary.
Maybe ‘scary’ isn’t the right word, but we know it will change our current life, and especially the life of our wee lad who has just turned two. How do we go about preparing him for this big change, and how do we best take care of him through all this? I am quite tired at the moment, and have a feeling it is going to get worse (I am not one of those mothers who ‘glow’ during pregnancy and get extra energy; I am quite the opposite! ) – and I can’t blame ‘the tummy’ for being tired all the time, as I don’t want him to ‘dislike’ the baby even before it is born!
Getting a sibling most be one of the biggest and most drastic changes that will have happened in his 2 years: suddenly (although I am hoping we can get him used to it slowly) having to share his parents and getting less attention. He will move from his current bed into a ‘big boy bed’, and his pram will be used by the new baby. Of course, these are things that would happen even without a new baby, but I am concerned that he will hold a grudge towards the new baby.
I am worried about saying ‘you are a big boy now’ too often, as of course he is growing up and I think it is great that he can do more and more things on his own, and I see how proud he is when can do things, but I don’t want to push him too much, as he is still a little boy and he should be allowed to be.
If you have read any of my previous posts, you will probably have noticed by now that I am a worrier, and I know that things will turn out ok in the end…
… but I would love to get some advice from other mothers about how to be ‘a mother of two’!
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Astrid Warren in Oslo, Norway.  Astrid can be found on Twitter @MrsSWarren. You can also find her blogging at QuintessentiallyBurrows. (She previously used then pen-name Asta Burrows).
Photo credit to ThomasLife. Â This photo has a creative commons attribution license.Â
Astrid, firstly, congratulations on your second pregnancy!
I’m 4 weeks away from my due date with #2 and I’m apprehensive about many things, so I’m not sure what I’m about to say is going to be advice 🙂 I have asked the same questions of moms who have more than one child and the overwhelming response is this: YOU WILL MANAGE.
It will be hard for the first few weeks/ months, but you and the kids will find a rhythm and things will get easier. I also worry about my toddler, how he will react to the new baby, how he will feel that I won’t be able to give him 100% of my attention and time to him, as I do now, whether he’ll love his baby brother. And I’ve been assured that he will love him, he will adapt and we will all get through it.
One day at a time. Good luck!
Thanks for you comment Alison! And best of luck to you too 🙂
Thanks for your honesty in your post! I think so often as moms we feel like we have to put on a brave face and not be honest about the things that cause us anxiety. My boys are now almost 5 and 2 1/2. When my first was 2 1/2 and his brother arrived I was so concerned. He was thrilled with his brother. I felt like we had more challenges when our youngest started being mobile and was challenging his big brother’s space more. Luckily in the beginning babies need a lot of care but sleep alot and that allows you to continue to interact and respond with one still….and by the grace of God children develop in their own way so your youngest will do through all of the developmental steps while the older one continues on his path. So everyone will be growing and changing together. SO in terms of readiness, you don’t have to feel totally ready on day 1. you will all grow into the new normal! Best wishes with this new adventure! Enjoy your time with your first!! And don’t try to suppress the tough emotions about the transition. They are real!!!
Kristen, I like what you said about not having to feel totally ready on day 1 🙂
One day at a time, and even one minute at a time. My children are 20 months apart. During my second’s first few weeks, I remember feeling completely incapable of caring for both of them. I asked all my friends who had been there “How did you do this?” Like literally, how? I needed details, specifics! I was a bit miserable, and totally overwhelmed. But we muddled through, and it got better. I can’t name any specifics other than to go easy on yourself, don’t try to do it all. It will get easier, I PROMISE! As far as sibling rivalry, I can’t say it’s not an issue, but at least for my kids, they are both each other’s worst enemy and best friend, and I love that. Though they fight, the love they have for each other is truly amazing, and it gets better and better as they get older and can truly play and share experiences together. I read the book “Siblings Without Rivalry” before #2 was born, and it wasn’t hugely insightful, but the parts that stuck for me are that anything that they baby or the older child isn’t getting from you (because your attention is divided) they will benefit infinitely more from the experience of having a sibling. And also, and it’s hard to avoid this, but try not to play the “big kid”/”only a baby” card too much, because it can create more resentment. Sometimes it’s natural to play up the excitement of things the big kid can do, but playing that against all the things the baby can’t do can set up a superior/inferior dynamic between the two. Best of luck to you!
Emily, thank you for your advice – I think ‘muddling through’ sounds good – doesn’t put too much pressure and it sounds like there is hope 🙂 I like to think that my children will be each other’s best friend (and worse enemy) – to think that they will have each other, at least when they get older 🙂
Astrid,
Congratulations on your second baby on the way! (and for dropping your pen name!)
From my experience, the lifestyle changes we made from going to no kids to one kid were a lot more drastic than going from one kid to two kids. It’s not easy, but I think you will be surprised how prepared you really are because you’ve “been there” before. The toughest part for me was the recovery after birth. Once I was better, then things began to get easier.
Steve wound up bonding more with my oldest while I was busy with the baby, and that was really great for them. I wish I was nearby to help out, Astrid! You will do great!!!
Jen 🙂
Hi Jen, thank you for the comment! Glad to hear that the changes might not be as big as they were when the first one arrived 🙂
Congratulations!!
Many thanks 🙂
Congratulations! 🙂
My son was 3 years old when his sister was born. He was a little boy who needed a consistent routine and didn’t like surprises! The following are the things which worked for us:
1. Move him to “big boy bed” as soon as possible so that he does not associate moving out the cot with the baby sleeping in it. It also helped that he got to pick out the bedding himself (Harry Potter!) and was super happy and excited to sleep there.
2. I started reading him a lot of books about “becoming a big brother” and “where babies come from” to dispel the mystery about what was coming. I also took care to answer all his questions honestly and not set him up with unrealistic expectations. (For example, I remember being told that I would have a sister to play with – I was 4 yrs old – and was highly upset when my “playmate” turned out to be this squealing little thing that I wasn’t able to play with at all!!). Until she was born I was imagining another little girl my own age – like my cousin, except she’d live with me and not have to go to another house! Also don’t tell him that baby is in your “tummy” as they associate “tummy” with stomach! A friend of mine told me that her 3 years old was horrified when she told her that she had a “baby in the tummy” and asked her why she had eaten a baby! I referred to my womb as a “special place inside a mommy where babies grow” and yes, he grew in there too! 🙂
3. The month before I was due to give birth I started sending him to Day Care when his father left for work in the morning and Dad would also pick him up on his way back from the office. This was great because I got a chance to rest during the day and (when I was in hospital) the only difference was that they’d come visit us on their way home. Once baby and I were home, I still kept sending my son to Day Care with his Dad (kept routine consistent). The biggest advantage was that I got to devote all my attention to the baby during the day and could focus all my attention on my son in the evening as hubby could look after the baby! I had no problems of sibling rivalry at all until both my kids were in Primary School (which was short-lived, luckily).
4. My “babies” are respectively 19 and 16 years old now and they have a terrific relationship (despite having completely different personalities)! 🙂
5. Remember that each child is unique and what worked for the one will probably not work for the other! That said, I’m a great believer in “Mothers’ Instinct” – trust that you know your children better than anyone else and you’ll be fine! 🙂
May God Bless You and Your Family
Thank you so much for the advice, Mamma_Simona! I especially like what you say about keeping things consistent (as much as possible), and about the big boy bed! 🙂
Cheers on your expectancy! Is that a word? Anyway, no solid advice for you except that it’s easier to go from two to three than from one to two. And you’ll be fine? Probably not the most encouraging advice. But just to welcome a new life is so wonderful that everything else will work itself out.
I think that “you’ll be fine” is just what I needed to hear 🙂
Congratulations! I think you’ll have fewer problems with your son than many other folks, because he will be old enough to ‘help’ and understand a bit more that the baby really does need you more. We told our older boys that the baby would get lots of presents because it was his birthday – so they never expected any themselves when the baby was born. I had them near me, often reading a story, while I fed and that helped. The biggest problems for us have been when the babies have been mobile but no able to really play with the older boy(s). And we bed-shared, so if I had spent lots of time with the baby during the day, the older boys could catch up on hugs and connection throughout the night. Good luck – the organisation does step up a level – but oh the joy!
Hi Karyn, yes we are so looking forward to it, am halfway today, so it is getting more and more real. I really hope that the wee lad will be able to understand some more, and we are slowly starting to talk about it around him, so hopefully it will not be too much of a shock for him 🙂
Great topic! When adjusting to the new family dynamic when a new baby sibling is here, it is really helpful to show the older child how baby communicates and shows their feelings nonverbally. All those coos and sounds can be pointed out to the older child as they learn to listen and watch for nonverbal cues in their baby sibling. Not only does older sibling feel confident in his ability to relate to his baby brother or sister, but this creates a healthy relationship between them and among the whole family, for years to come! I’m so excited for you and your family, enjoy!
I like that idea that the older one will be able to relate to his younger sister and feel like he is properly taking part, and that they both find their place in our ‘new’ family, thanks for you comment, and the reblog 🙂
You are quite welcome! Enjoy your growing family! I really enjoyed this blog topic, and I feel like I could spend every day reblogging World Moms Blogs because it is so relatable to me!
Reblogged this on WholeMe! Programs, LLC.
Since I had two at once, I can’t really offer any advice for making the leap from 1 to 2, but I do know that you’ll do great! Another parent once told me that parenting twin infants becomes easier in 3 month increments. It’s not so different for parents of one baby, but it definitely helped me put things in perspective and realize that the tough moments wouldn’t last forever. It may be hard at first but it will get easier. Congrats to you — and good luck with everything!
That is a good way to think about it – when I think back to my first one it was the first 3 months that were the hardest – at least this time I know that things will be getting easier with time!
Gratulerer og lykke til, Astrid!
Tusen takk, det trenger jeg 🙂
Congrats Astrid! You know I think I still kinda don’t know how to be a mother of two. I’m always juggling, always a little frantic, always worried that I’m being good enough for them both. But the grace to cope is always present, and the hubby and I tag-team to care for them. My mum helps out with the little one (not so little actually, 10 months now!), so I do get a breather on weekdays. But I’m always thinking of how to do better, live simpler, and yes, deep breaths help. I tell myself, if mums of threes and fours can do it, I can certainly do it too!
Oh yes, I found I loosened up quite a bit with the second one, you know like relax the rules, exceed the bedtimes (on occasions) and not feel like I have to beat myself up over it. It helped! You will do well, I’m sure! 🙂
I actually find it reassuring to hear that other mums are not experts either! It makes me think that there is hope for me aswell 🙂 I still feel like that with the wee lad, that I don’t always know what I am doing, and maybe I should have done things differently, but then I look at the little lad that has turned into, and I realise that I have done somethings right after all 🙂
So excited for you! I have 2 boys who are 4.5 years apart. I was more worried about the transition for my older son than the work of having the new baby. But I was honest with my older boy about the pending transition while focusing on the positive. We read books together about becoming a big brother and what that might feel like. We talked about our friends whom he knows and plays with who have also gone through this transition, and the fun they have now as a bigger family. We went over the logistical plan on what would happen when the baby was ready to be born. We lucked out in that my mother-in-law arrived for a visit the day of the birth, so my older son had Grandmom on hand to shower him with attention and presents. And we made sure to pump up how special it was for her to have time with him 1-on-1. I also put together a “congratulations big brother” gift bag for him for when we were at the hospital. It included a letter I wrote to him reitterating him how much I loved him and how much fun we would have all together, along with sticker books, crafts, a new toy he had his eye on, and a book titled “I love you so much”….just to remind him we were thinking of him too. And I really tried to show excitement over him being a big brother. I even told him how as the youngest child in my family growing up, I don’t know what it is like to be the big brother or sister, so it’s a special thing he can tell me about. Lastly, it helps that the baby comes and then just hangs out for awhile before moving around and getting into things. It allows lots of breathing room and adjustment time. It’s when they start truly interacting and the younger one is touching the older one’s Legos that things get tested. So you have time. Relax, enjoy, and be well!
The idea of a gift bag is great – I think that focusing on the big brother is a good thing, as a lot of focus automatically will be on the new arrival.
When I was pregnant with #2 I made sure to discuss everything with my (then) 1 year old OFTEN. They are almost exactly two years apart, but I found that preparing her was the best possible solution.
“When the new baby gets here, where do you think she should sleep? Your room? Great idea!”
“I’m going to need your help when the baby gets here.”
“I’m going to love the new baby, just like I love you and your Papa. Who else will love the new baby? You? That’s so nice of you.”
We also talked about what was inside my tummy and we Googled appropriate images of babies inside tummies so she knew what was happening. Pointing out little babies during shopping, etc. Best of luck!
Yes, I think we need to start talking more about the baby now to give him time to prepare! Great idea to start pointing out babies to him! 🙂
Hi, congratulations! I really hope everything will work out better for all of you. Going through pregnancy, no matter how many times it is already, is really tough, considering you’re going to be in a very fragile state. Be strong, be healthy, be happy and I hope the people around will do so as well.
Thank you!