“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss
I have often heard people say “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle” or “things happen for a reason” and even “you may not understand it now, but God has a plan.” Religious or not, I am sure these quotes are somewhat familiar to you. How you chose to incorporate them into your life can differ drastically from one person to another.
For me, when put in a situation that I felt was almost impossible to get though, it was hard to remember these words of encouragement. Some would argue that because I hadn’t built my life on a strong spiritual foundation, I then had trouble finding comfort in these words when I needed it most. Others might say that my ability to “get through” a tough situation would rely mostly on the strength and determination I had developed within myself and that would then give me the courage to handle almost anything.
I find myself in awe of those people I meet or hear of that have been through situations that I don’t think I’d be able to come back from. In the scheme of things, I do believe I have been blessed. Regardless of the troubles I have had, I do believe that I can learn from those around me who have endured the unimaginable. When we open ourselves up to truly listening to those we meet, it is then that we can really learn something about life.
I have always wanted to be a mother. Maybe that came from my inner desire to do things much differently than my mother had done for me. Maybe it came from watching my friends’ mothers and wishing I had a “normal” life. Or maybe it simply came from always wanting to have a big family with lots of little minds to help shape! Wherever the desire came from, I quickly realized that my path to motherhood would not be as easy as I anticipated.
My journey through the land of infertility was an eye opener to say the least! Doctors – tests – heartache – disappointment and finally – SUCCESS! Two beautiful and HEALTHY girls! At that moment, the journey seemed like a distant memory. My family had started and I was genuinely blessed and grateful.
Over the past few years, we would experience more fertility struggles. Although some of our struggles were unintentional, they were still ever-present. My husband and I would unite during these difficult times, but when things settled, our reactions would drastically differ. I viewed each hurdle emotionally and negatively. I found myself withdrawing from situations that I should have clearly been present. He, on the other hand, had a much different attitude. An air of sadness for me, but an inner sigh of relief seemed to linger with him. He had an “it was meant to be” attitude that I quickly grew to resent.
Like every other household, raising children can be both trying and rewarding. For us, juggling work both in and out of the home, combined with over 3 hours of daily commuting, adding in our financial obligations caused a lot of unwanted stress for our family. Over the years, we settled in, but we always struggled to find the right amount of family time we both truly needed.
For my husband, each new day as a family of four was viewed as a successful victory. We were “figuring things out” and that, in and of itself, should have made us both happy. For me, something was missing. I wanted another child. This feeling of wanting to expand our family would consume me at times. I longed to feel another child move within me and I wished more than anything to experience that again.
I’d vacillate back and forth between rational and, what seemed to be, irrational thought. Often convincing myself that no matter what the cost – literally or figuratively – having another child would somehow complete “us.” I grew to fully understand that “us” was really “me.” “I” wanted another child; “I” wanted a bigger family; “I” wanted to make the decision and “I” wanted to be able to conceive a child like everyone else – “I” was wrong!
Expanding our family became a vicious debate. Both of us standing strong with our arguments and not wanting to waiver. For me, it was a gut-wrenching feeling of “how could you deny me of this desire that feels stronger than myself?!” For him it was “why can’t you focus on what we HAVE and remember how tough it was to get here!?” This debate often divided us and led to many wasted moments of sadness and self-pity. I was losing precious moments longing for what will probably never be, all while losing grasp of what actually was.
Our daughters are now six. Happy, healthy and thriving little girls. Balancing is still a daily chore, but becoming more enjoyable. I still find myself hoping that there is another child in our future, but I am finding solace in a more spiritual way of thinking. Not just thinking that “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle” or “things happen for a reason” and even “you may not understand it now, but God has a plan,” but believing it. I am learning that I should remember the wonders of my pregnancy and smile because I did get to experience it. Every day is a new day and I am slowly starting to embrace every moment with the two precious gifts that “we” have been given.
Are you comfortable with the number of children in your family? Have you ever struggled to find peace within yourself about something you had no control over?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog from mother of two, TwinMom112.
Photo credit to http://www.freedigitalphotos.net
I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I had to struggle with the decision to actually have my own children or adopt. I have what was believed (but never proven) a genetic bone disorder. Having my own children ment that I had a 50% chance of passing it on. After countless tests, and conversations with my husband and geneticists we were no closer to proving that this diagnosis was in fact correct. Nor could we disprove it. So we decided to go for it and take a chance….twice. Both of my children, so far, are happy and healthy and now that my daughter is turning two, I have an inner longing for another, for being pregnant again and feeling that little being grow and develope inside of me, which I know I will never have. I can’t afford the risk at this point, nor is it realistic financially. My husband is completely against the idea, saying that the gamble we took paid off, but it’s senseless to try again (for the record he had to be convinced to go for the second one). I agree, it is a difficult place to be, but you do need to appreciate the 2 beautiful children that you have and were able to give birth to, some women will never be able to even have than much. At least that’s how I see it.
Isn’t it strange how when your “baby” turns 2 you’ve forgotten all the sleepless nights and projectile vomiting etc and only remember how awesome it was to cuddle your precious little, sweet-smelling baby? I often wonder why it is that us “middle class” people feel we can’t afford a third baby, whereas some of the poorest of the poor have huge families! I totally believe that we get to have the babies we are meant to when we are meant to have them – whether “naturally”, via fertility treatments or through adoption. My “baby” is 16 years old – it’s been a really long time since I had a sweet-smelling baby in my arms! Now I look forward to the day that (God willing) I’ll have grandkids to cuddle!! 🙂
Years of being on the fertility blogs – I would read the updates from women who never had any successful treatments. For a lot of them,they would never get to experience giving birth. You are right – I do need to appreciate my gift!
I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I had to struggle with the decision to actually have my own children or adopt. I have what was believed (but never proven) a genetic bone disorder. Having my own children ment that I had a 50% chance of passing it on. After countless tests, and conversations with my husband and geneticists we were no closer to proving that this diagnosis was in fact correct. Nor could we disprove it. So we decided to go for it and take a chance….twice. Both of my children, so far, are happy and healthy and now that my daughter is turning two, I have an inner longing for another, for being pregnant again and feeling that little being grow and develope inside of me, which I know I will never have. I can’t afford the risk at this point, nor is it realistic financially. My husband is completely against the idea, saying that the gamble we took paid off, but it’s senseless to try again (for the record he had to be convinced to go for the second one). I agree, it is a difficult place to be, but you do need to appreciate the 2 beautiful children that you have and were able to give birth to, some women will never be able to even have than much. At least that’s how I see it.
Isn’t it strange how when your “baby” turns 2 you’ve forgotten all the sleepless nights and projectile vomiting etc and only remember how awesome it was to cuddle your precious little, sweet-smelling baby? I often wonder why it is that us “middle class” people feel we can’t afford a third baby, whereas some of the poorest of the poor have huge families! I totally believe that we get to have the babies we are meant to when we are meant to have them – whether “naturally”, via fertility treatments or through adoption. My “baby” is 16 years old – it’s been a really long time since I had a sweet-smelling baby in my arms! Now I look forward to the day that (God willing) I’ll have grandkids to cuddle!! 🙂
Years of being on the fertility blogs – I would read the updates from women who never had any successful treatments. For a lot of them,they would never get to experience giving birth. You are right – I do need to appreciate my gift!
I had to smile while reading your post, because it’s very similar to something I could have written! 🙂
All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom. Just before my wedding I went for a GYN check-up and was told that I would never be able to conceive without medical intervention. I was hysterical and wanted to cancel the wedding! My hubby-to-be was way calmer. He said he wanted to marry me anyway, and he didn’t want kids immediately. (He was 25 and I was 21 when we got married). One year later, against all the odds, I fell pregnant and we were blessed with a son. When my son turned 2 (since there was no guarantee I’d fall pregnant again) he urged me to try for another child. Our second miracle was conceived 6 months after we started trying. Our beautiful daughter was born 3 weeks early and I felt cheated out of carrying her in me for those last 3 weeks! I had a strong feeling that she’d be my last child and I wanted to hang on to her as long as possible. My husband was thrilled – we had a son and a daughter – that was his “perfect” family. I wanted a 3rd (ideally another girl). He didn’t think we could afford another child. We compromised – if we reached a certain level of income by the time I turned 40, we’d give it one last shot.
Unfortunately, my hubby actually lost his job the year I turned 40, so that was that! I adore my family and count my blessings every day, however I still sometimes yearn for the other little girl I didn’t have!
I think I too will always “yearn for another” – but sometimes our vision of “perfect” and the reality of “perfect” are different. Sometimes I feel guilty for all the time I wasted focusing on another – Wanting another one will forever be in my heart – but being thankful for the two I have is something that is becoming more important. Thank you for sharing your story!
I had to smile while reading your post, because it’s very similar to something I could have written! 🙂
All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom. Just before my wedding I went for a GYN check-up and was told that I would never be able to conceive without medical intervention. I was hysterical and wanted to cancel the wedding! My hubby-to-be was way calmer. He said he wanted to marry me anyway, and he didn’t want kids immediately. (He was 25 and I was 21 when we got married). One year later, against all the odds, I fell pregnant and we were blessed with a son. When my son turned 2 (since there was no guarantee I’d fall pregnant again) he urged me to try for another child. Our second miracle was conceived 6 months after we started trying. Our beautiful daughter was born 3 weeks early and I felt cheated out of carrying her in me for those last 3 weeks! I had a strong feeling that she’d be my last child and I wanted to hang on to her as long as possible. My husband was thrilled – we had a son and a daughter – that was his “perfect” family. I wanted a 3rd (ideally another girl). He didn’t think we could afford another child. We compromised – if we reached a certain level of income by the time I turned 40, we’d give it one last shot.
Unfortunately, my hubby actually lost his job the year I turned 40, so that was that! I adore my family and count my blessings every day, however I still sometimes yearn for the other little girl I didn’t have!
I think I too will always “yearn for another” – but sometimes our vision of “perfect” and the reality of “perfect” are different. Sometimes I feel guilty for all the time I wasted focusing on another – Wanting another one will forever be in my heart – but being thankful for the two I have is something that is becoming more important. Thank you for sharing your story!
Your post really brought back some memories for me!! I too struggled with infetility….and what I know is that the journey is different for each woman so there is no road map. So happy for you that you have your two precious girls!! As you know life in the mommy ‘hood’ is very unpredictable so I have had to learn to take it as it comes…each day. We are like you always working to find that “perfect” balance for family/work time…..hard juggling act for sure but I am sooooo thankful for the challenge!
wishing you ALL the very best
Jaelma
http://www.themochalife.wordpress.com
(BTW: I LOVE this BLOG – thanks!! ) 🙂
Can’t thank you enough for the well wishes and your comments! So nice to know that I am not alone! 🙂
Your post really brought back some memories for me!! I too struggled with infetility….and what I know is that the journey is different for each woman so there is no road map. So happy for you that you have your two precious girls!! As you know life in the mommy ‘hood’ is very unpredictable so I have had to learn to take it as it comes…each day. We are like you always working to find that “perfect” balance for family/work time…..hard juggling act for sure but I am sooooo thankful for the challenge!
wishing you ALL the very best
Jaelma
http://www.themochalife.wordpress.com
(BTW: I LOVE this BLOG – thanks!! ) 🙂
Can’t thank you enough for the well wishes and your comments! So nice to know that I am not alone! 🙂
I have two girls and want more children soooo badly that sometimes I feel consumed as you mentioned. At this point my boyfriend and I can’t afford to expand our family, but we have talked about it as a possibility in the future. I try and think about being happy with what we have, but I still want…more…
There are times I wake up and watch how independent my children are – remembering the days when they were so very little. Wishing to experience the wonders of it all again – A close friend told me that: it’s OK to “remember and miss those times – but don’t “remember and mourn those times.” I thought that was an interesting way to look at things – I try and “remember” that 🙂
I have two girls and want more children soooo badly that sometimes I feel consumed as you mentioned. At this point my boyfriend and I can’t afford to expand our family, but we have talked about it as a possibility in the future. I try and think about being happy with what we have, but I still want…more…
There are times I wake up and watch how independent my children are – remembering the days when they were so very little. Wishing to experience the wonders of it all again – A close friend told me that: it’s OK to “remember and miss those times – but don’t “remember and mourn those times.” I thought that was an interesting way to look at things – I try and “remember” that 🙂
My journey to motherhood was indeed quite difficult and a bit out of the norm. I very much want to add more children to the two boys I already have. Since one of my sons has significant special needs and adoption expenses are sky-high, it will be quite some time before we are able to do that. I have come to peace with it, because I know that now is just not the right time. I love your efforts of living in the now. I am continually trying to do the same thing!
Thank you for sharing a little of your journey – different storyline – but same book 🙂 We are all faced with challenges and decisions that seem impossible .. hopefully though support and writing and time, our hearts will be eased knowing we are right where we are supposed to be 🙂
My journey to motherhood was indeed quite difficult and a bit out of the norm. I very much want to add more children to the two boys I already have. Since one of my sons has significant special needs and adoption expenses are sky-high, it will be quite some time before we are able to do that. I have come to peace with it, because I know that now is just not the right time. I love your efforts of living in the now. I am continually trying to do the same thing!
Thank you for sharing a little of your journey – different storyline – but same book 🙂 We are all faced with challenges and decisions that seem impossible .. hopefully though support and writing and time, our hearts will be eased knowing we are right where we are supposed to be 🙂
I love this post! I had difficulty getting pregnant, and I’m lucky to have my daughters, too. I thought I’d always have more kids, but I’m happy with the way things turned out, and it feels meant to be now. 🙂
Jen 🙂
I love your “it feels meant to be now” comment. Although I miss the finality of my situation, I think that our family of 4 is starting to feel just right! Thank you Jen! 🙂
I love this post! I had difficulty getting pregnant, and I’m lucky to have my daughters, too. I thought I’d always have more kids, but I’m happy with the way things turned out, and it feels meant to be now. 🙂
Jen 🙂
I love your “it feels meant to be now” comment. Although I miss the finality of my situation, I think that our family of 4 is starting to feel just right! Thank you Jen! 🙂
I too was consumed with the need for that third child. I don’t know that anyone can really understand how intense that desire is, unless they’ve lived it for themselves. It can be hard to count our blessings in such a situation: I’m so pleased you’ve found a place of peace now.
It’s not always easy – but I am starting to feel like that energy in waiting – wishing – hoping and praying are wasted moments for the daughters I already have 🙂 Thanks for letting me know I am not alone 🙂
I too was consumed with the need for that third child. I don’t know that anyone can really understand how intense that desire is, unless they’ve lived it for themselves. It can be hard to count our blessings in such a situation: I’m so pleased you’ve found a place of peace now.
It’s not always easy – but I am starting to feel like that energy in waiting – wishing – hoping and praying are wasted moments for the daughters I already have 🙂 Thanks for letting me know I am not alone 🙂
I think when you open up to the possibilities of the universe, good things will happen, whether it’s opening up for more children or opening up for a life with two children, both scenarios are possibilities not limitations. This was the thinking that got me through my infertility years and I finally came to accepting our life together without children. Not that I had given up, rather I had opened up to all that was possible in a life with no children. Well our children came and we feel blessed and neither of us want more so we do not have the same dilemma that you are so courageously sharing with us. Another lesson I’ve learned in life is that you don’t know the full story of why things happen the way they happen until the end. Sometimes events unfold and reveal the whys that have been plaguing you and you go, “Ahhhh, that’s why that never happened and for good reason.”
Loved your comments! Very inspiring! Thank you – Thank you!
I think when you open up to the possibilities of the universe, good things will happen, whether it’s opening up for more children or opening up for a life with two children, both scenarios are possibilities not limitations. This was the thinking that got me through my infertility years and I finally came to accepting our life together without children. Not that I had given up, rather I had opened up to all that was possible in a life with no children. Well our children came and we feel blessed and neither of us want more so we do not have the same dilemma that you are so courageously sharing with us. Another lesson I’ve learned in life is that you don’t know the full story of why things happen the way they happen until the end. Sometimes events unfold and reveal the whys that have been plaguing you and you go, “Ahhhh, that’s why that never happened and for good reason.”
Loved your comments! Very inspiring! Thank you – Thank you!