Have you ever thought about why you’re having kids?
Some have kids because they think it’s part of the “marriage progression”, they want to carry on their bloodline or because everyone around them are having children.
Others feel that they want to leave a legacy through their offspring. Then there are those who do it simply because they have a strong desire to have children.
In Asia, it’s not uncommon for people to want to have children to ensure that there’s someone to look after them when they turn old. In fact, there’s even a Chinese idiom 养儿防老 – which translates to mean “raise children to safeguard your old age”.
Indeed, in Asian societies that have been strongly influenced by Confucius teachings, such as China, Japan, Korea and Singapore, the practice of filial piety is still seen as an important social value and esteemed as virtue to be inculcated in one’s children from a very young age.
Children are not only expected to respect and obey their parents, it’s also deemed their duty to look after their parents in old age.
In Singapore where I live, the government has even implemented a Maintenance of Parents Act, making it a legal obligation for children to take care of their elderly parents, failing which parents can sue their children for a monthly allowance.
You may wonder, at this point, why my interest in this topic of filial piety.
Recently, my mom was hospitalised and I found myself struggling to juggle family, work and going to the hospital to spend time with my mom. Being an only child, my mom has only me to rely on.
As I sat there in the hospital, I had much time to reflect and I couldn’t help thinking about my own old age. I came to this conclusion: I don’t want filial piety or the responsibility of caring for aged parents to become a shackle on my children, which they may end up resenting.
Sure, I hope that when my spouse and I grow old and frail, our children will be there to care for us. But I don’t want them to do it just because they feel obligated, or worse, because of a court order.
When children are born, parents have every obligation and responsibility to look after them. After all, parents are the ones who made the decision to bring the kids into this world, not the other way round. So when old age comes, as it surely will, I don’t want it to become my children’s obligation to look after me or my spouse when we are old.
Filial piety, in my opinion, is bordering on being authoritative. I much prefer that my children take care of me because they want to, because they love us – which is out of a genuine concern that comes from deep within their hearts, and not merely an act to be followed through or worse, an order made by some judge.
So instead of teaching filial piety, I will teach love. I want love to be the bond that binds us, not just a mere sense of duty. I will teach my children to love not only their parents but to also care for people around them.
I will also plan for my old age, this includes taking care of my health to ensure that I stay strong and healthy as long as possible and saving up enough for retirement. Because I love my children, I want them to have the freedom to pursue their dreams and passions, and not be worried about taking care of their parents.
And some day after we are gone, I pray that it is love that my children will feel and beautiful memories they will have whenever they think of us, and not how burdened they felt when they were taking care of us.
How important is filial piety in your society? Have you thought about your retirement years and made plans for them?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer, rising-image-consultant and mother of one in Singapore, Ruth Wong. You can find Ruth writing on her personal blog, Mommy Cafe.
The image used in this post is credited to photographer David Castillo Dominici from the on-line site Free Digital Photos.
To be honest this is not something I have given that much thought as it is not really part of the society I live in – however, I guess I have thought about it in part… as I am an only child, and if my parents ever needed help it would only be natural for me to help – but out of love, not out of duty… Great post though – gave me something to think about!
Thanks for your comments! I’m finding it a challenge as an only child in caring for my parents but as children we do want to do our part for our parents – and because we love them and not simply out of duty.
To be honest this is not something I have given that much thought as it is not really part of the society I live in – however, I guess I have thought about it in part… as I am an only child, and if my parents ever needed help it would only be natural for me to help – but out of love, not out of duty… Great post though – gave me something to think about!
Thanks for your comments! I’m finding it a challenge as an only child in caring for my parents but as children we do want to do our part for our parents – and because we love them and not simply out of duty.
I’m very much in two minds about this. I agree 100% that it is best of your children take care of you because they want to and not because they have to.
But in my country (South Africa) I see so many poor deserted old people, and my heart breaks for them. It’s a burden on the country’s economy and healthcare system, and it’s not fair on people who have lived a life where they contributed to the country.
“Teach love” – that is an excellent idea. Great post.
Thanks for sharing abt the situation in S.Africa. I really do feel what you feel abt old people and we have reports of old people dying alone without anyone knowing until neighbors smell a stench coming from their apartments. Such a sad end to one’s life. But from a macro point of view, it’s true that caring for the elderly can be a huge cost, especially in countries with aging population, like Singapore. I believe that’s part of the reason why we have the Maintenance of Parents Act – to make children be responsible for the care of old people so that the society doesn’t get overburdened with the cost of caring for this group of the population and the government can focus on their resources in other areas like improving the economy and education.
I’m very much in two minds about this. I agree 100% that it is best of your children take care of you because they want to and not because they have to.
But in my country (South Africa) I see so many poor deserted old people, and my heart breaks for them. It’s a burden on the country’s economy and healthcare system, and it’s not fair on people who have lived a life where they contributed to the country.
“Teach love” – that is an excellent idea. Great post.
Thanks for sharing abt the situation in S.Africa. I really do feel what you feel abt old people and we have reports of old people dying alone without anyone knowing until neighbors smell a stench coming from their apartments. Such a sad end to one’s life. But from a macro point of view, it’s true that caring for the elderly can be a huge cost, especially in countries with aging population, like Singapore. I believe that’s part of the reason why we have the Maintenance of Parents Act – to make children be responsible for the care of old people so that the society doesn’t get overburdened with the cost of caring for this group of the population and the government can focus on their resources in other areas like improving the economy and education.
I totally agree with you, Ruth. My grandmother had to look after my great-grandmother her entire life … and they were BOTH miserable!
My husband and I also strongly feel that it is OUR duty to ensure that we equip our children to be self-sufficient and that we have saved enough for a comfortable retirement.
I hope to be the one who can help them (if necessary) once they have their own families. I would never want to be a burden.
It must have been real tough for your grandma! I think I might just end up feeling burnt out.
It’s great that you and your husband are planning for retirement. To be honest, it’s my hubby who keep reminding me about it but I really do see the importance, and perhaps even the urgency of it more and more, given the increasing tough global economic situations.
I totally agree with you, Ruth. My grandmother had to look after my great-grandmother her entire life … and they were BOTH miserable!
My husband and I also strongly feel that it is OUR duty to ensure that we equip our children to be self-sufficient and that we have saved enough for a comfortable retirement.
I hope to be the one who can help them (if necessary) once they have their own families. I would never want to be a burden.
It must have been real tough for your grandma! I think I might just end up feeling burnt out.
It’s great that you and your husband are planning for retirement. To be honest, it’s my hubby who keep reminding me about it but I really do see the importance, and perhaps even the urgency of it more and more, given the increasing tough global economic situations.
If my parents or my in-laws needed help in old age, I would help them out without thinking about it. However, I’m like you, Ruth. I don’t want my old age to get in the way of my children’s hopes and dreams. I have been planning for myself in retirement and there’s nothing I want more is for my children to be happy and lead a fulfilling life!
Thanks for giving us something to think about — and it was so interesting to learn that looking after your parents is mandated by law in Singapore!
Jen 🙂
Let’s pray for good health for ourselves so that at least we can enjoy our retirement and that our children will have all the freedom to pursue their dreams and live life to the fullest 🙂
If my parents or my in-laws needed help in old age, I would help them out without thinking about it. However, I’m like you, Ruth. I don’t want my old age to get in the way of my children’s hopes and dreams. I have been planning for myself in retirement and there’s nothing I want more is for my children to be happy and lead a fulfilling life!
Thanks for giving us something to think about — and it was so interesting to learn that looking after your parents is mandated by law in Singapore!
Jen 🙂
Let’s pray for good health for ourselves so that at least we can enjoy our retirement and that our children will have all the freedom to pursue their dreams and live life to the fullest 🙂
The culture here in Korea is the same. It falls on the eldest son (more accurately, his wife) to care for parents in their old age. Having been raised in the US where older people are often discarded, I am a bit conflicted on this subject. I think that overall the issue is how we disregard people who are no longer valuable in society’s eyes, usually based on their ability to earn money and pay taxes. It is so sad that we forget that true value is not measured in money. The experience and wisdom of older people is invaluable and often overlooked and I think they deserve more respect than they are shown most of the time. Having said that, I certainly do not think it should be legislated that children must care for their elderly parents. Family dynamics are a very complicated and layered matter and each family needs to do what is best for all concerned. I think in an ideal world, parents would plan responsibly for retirement so that their children are never burdened financially with their care. To me, that is part of being a good parent. And hopefully, parents can raise their children in such a way that as they age, their children are motivated not by society pressure or guilt or a sense of duty, but by love and admiration to help them out if necessary.
Great post, Ruth!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights! I almost forgot the part abt the eldest son – my hubby is one and he’s been brought up with the mentality that he has the main responsibility of caring for his parents – and honestly, this is another thing I’m not in agreement with – but that’s another issue I guess. I agree with you how sad it is for society to have such negative views of old people. Very often, I see and hear how people around me are more willing to donate to charities and causes related to children (and even animals) than for those abt the elderly. It’s something I’m still trying to understand – do people think that helping the elderly is a waste of resources or their needs are less important? But at the same time, I do think we need to see the importance of planning for our old age. It’s not something we want to think about much when we are younger but by the time we realize the need to do so, it could be too late for some. Hence we can’t blame our kids if they resent caring for us if we have not done our part to plan for our retirement.
The culture here in Korea is the same. It falls on the eldest son (more accurately, his wife) to care for parents in their old age. Having been raised in the US where older people are often discarded, I am a bit conflicted on this subject. I think that overall the issue is how we disregard people who are no longer valuable in society’s eyes, usually based on their ability to earn money and pay taxes. It is so sad that we forget that true value is not measured in money. The experience and wisdom of older people is invaluable and often overlooked and I think they deserve more respect than they are shown most of the time. Having said that, I certainly do not think it should be legislated that children must care for their elderly parents. Family dynamics are a very complicated and layered matter and each family needs to do what is best for all concerned. I think in an ideal world, parents would plan responsibly for retirement so that their children are never burdened financially with their care. To me, that is part of being a good parent. And hopefully, parents can raise their children in such a way that as they age, their children are motivated not by society pressure or guilt or a sense of duty, but by love and admiration to help them out if necessary.
Great post, Ruth!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights! I almost forgot the part abt the eldest son – my hubby is one and he’s been brought up with the mentality that he has the main responsibility of caring for his parents – and honestly, this is another thing I’m not in agreement with – but that’s another issue I guess. I agree with you how sad it is for society to have such negative views of old people. Very often, I see and hear how people around me are more willing to donate to charities and causes related to children (and even animals) than for those abt the elderly. It’s something I’m still trying to understand – do people think that helping the elderly is a waste of resources or their needs are less important? But at the same time, I do think we need to see the importance of planning for our old age. It’s not something we want to think about much when we are younger but by the time we realize the need to do so, it could be too late for some. Hence we can’t blame our kids if they resent caring for us if we have not done our part to plan for our retirement.