The sibling relationship begins even when the younger one is still in the womb.
How so?
When I was carrying my second child, Javier, I began to introduce Vera, my first-born, to the concept of a younger sibling.
The day we discovered that the baby was a boy, we told Vera she was going to have a ‘di-di’ (little brother in Chinese)Â to play with, and that they would have loads of fun together.
Being the chatty 2.5 year old that she was at the time, she relished the thought of having a captive audience, and she would thoroughly enjoy talking and singing to my womb, or rather, the di-di who was stuck inside.
At first, I gave her the words to say, such as ‘I love you, di-di’ and so on. Thereafter, her creative self took over and for the remaining 4-5 months of the pregnancy, I think she pretty much dominated the airwaves where her little brother was concerned.
When I reached the last few months and my tummy was too big to carry Vera, I explained to her that I couldn’t carry her because of my aching back, and not because of her baby brother.
(I had read in a book somewhere that we should try not to ‘blame’ the baby sibling or use him/her as an excuse when you have to make changes in the way you interact with the older child.)
At every opportunity we had, we spoke positively about the baby’s arrival, focusing on the fun and love that he would bring into the family, hoping that she would also look forward to his coming.
In Singapore, we have this tradition of buying a little gift for the elder sibling, and presenting it to him/her at their first ‘meeting’. (I didn’t know if it would really work, but the idea appealed to us anyhow.) So we prepared a small gift – a Hello Kitty ink-stamp and some hair-ties for the little lady – and we brought it along to the hospital when I delivered.
We tucked the gift box in the baby bassinet before the family arrived at the hospital. And we presented it to Vera, saying, “This is a gift from your baby brother. He loves you very much.”
She was absolutely taken by the stamp, and didn’t really bother much about the wailing baby. Even after a few months down the road, she could still remember what her baby brother ‘gifted’ her, and we knew then that it had made an impact somehow. I guess first impressions do last.
I’ve also noticed that since the early days, baby Javier would turn or look more alert whenever his sister came into ear-shot. And as he grew and could interact with us more, it became obvious that he really adored his big sister. It was like she lighted up his room each time she came in! I think it has got to do with the way she kept singing and talking to him when he was in the womb.
Sure, kids being kids, there is constant fighting over toys (although Javier is just turning one, he’s proving to be able to stand his own ground), and the occasional jealousy and insecurity manifesting itself in different negative forms of behaviour, but I do see that there remains a soft spot in Vera’s heart for her baby brother. Some would say it’s a gender thing but I think it goes beyond that.
For me, I just keep praying over this budding sibling bond, and I try my best not to compare the two (It’s the same whether they are in the room or not, because you know kids, they will have their ways of listening through the walls.)
I’ve also shifted Vera from a full-day childcare to a kindergarten, so that they can spend more time together at home. I love to watch the kids at play, especially now that Javier is more expressive too. The big sister has also learned to help out in simple chores, and is always happy to be involved in taking care of her baby brother.
The best part for me is when I see Vera getting better at giving up her toys to Javier, as she slowly understands how to show love and kindness to her younger sibling.
How did you prepare your older children when you were expecting? How do you establish an environment that allows your children’s relationships with each other to thrive?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by June Yong in Singapore.  June blogs over at mamawearpapashirt, and can be found on Twitter, and on Facebook.
The photo used in this post is credited to Essence Studios.
Lovely! My boys are 3 years apart and they are best friends; they truly love one another and enjoy each other’s company. I wish the same for your little ones. By the way, we also gave sibling presents to our older ones (twins). The twins both seemed to just accept their younger brother into their lives without a problem and made him a playmate as soon as he was old enough to play. We never experienced any of the sibling rivalry or jealousy that others speak of when introducing a new baby. I just assumed it was because the twins always had to share and so it was nothing new to them. (My daughter also loves her little brother, but they don’t play together as much as the boys do, mostly because they have very different tastes in play activities now.)
Ahh, so the gift-giving is actually quite universal after all. 😉 It’s wonderful to hear your experience with twins and their siblings. I think twins are a different dynamic altogether, isn’t it? I recently heard of a story of a pair of twins, who ask where’s the other in the first instance they are separated! I think it’s great that your kids are like best friends, and I hope that their friendship and love will increase with each passing year.
Lovely! My boys are 3 years apart and they are best friends; they truly love one another and enjoy each other’s company. I wish the same for your little ones. By the way, we also gave sibling presents to our older ones (twins). The twins both seemed to just accept their younger brother into their lives without a problem and made him a playmate as soon as he was old enough to play. We never experienced any of the sibling rivalry or jealousy that others speak of when introducing a new baby. I just assumed it was because the twins always had to share and so it was nothing new to them. (My daughter also loves her little brother, but they don’t play together as much as the boys do, mostly because they have very different tastes in play activities now.)
Ahh, so the gift-giving is actually quite universal after all. 😉 It’s wonderful to hear your experience with twins and their siblings. I think twins are a different dynamic altogether, isn’t it? I recently heard of a story of a pair of twins, who ask where’s the other in the first instance they are separated! I think it’s great that your kids are like best friends, and I hope that their friendship and love will increase with each passing year.
My son hated change so we ensured that his routine wasn’t disrupted by the arrival of his sister. Months before the birth we moved him into his “big boy” room and “big boy” bed with bedding he chose himself (Harry Potter!). My husband took him to daycare in the morning and picked him up again on his way home from work. That way nothing changed when I went into hospital. We kept this up after I got home with baby as well. I was criticised for leaving my older child in daycare when I was at home, but it was the best thing for him. Since he’d come home at the same time as his dad, he never felt any sibing rivalry as I was free to devote myself to him until bedtime (after all, I’d had uninterrupted time with baby all day)! 🙂
My children are now 19 and 16 years old and they have a fantastic relationship. In fact, my daughter is often the only girl invited to do things with her older brother and his friends! The strong loving and caring bond between my children is one of the things I’m proudest of. 🙂
I actually placed my girl in childcare for the same reason too! By the time her brother arrived, she had already settled in well in the childcare, and it really helped with the transition and change for the whole family. I’m so glad to hear they are enjoying each other even now as teenagers! You should give yourself a good pat on the back! 🙂
My son hated change so we ensured that his routine wasn’t disrupted by the arrival of his sister. Months before the birth we moved him into his “big boy” room and “big boy” bed with bedding he chose himself (Harry Potter!). My husband took him to daycare in the morning and picked him up again on his way home from work. That way nothing changed when I went into hospital. We kept this up after I got home with baby as well. I was criticised for leaving my older child in daycare when I was at home, but it was the best thing for him. Since he’d come home at the same time as his dad, he never felt any sibing rivalry as I was free to devote myself to him until bedtime (after all, I’d had uninterrupted time with baby all day)! 🙂
My children are now 19 and 16 years old and they have a fantastic relationship. In fact, my daughter is often the only girl invited to do things with her older brother and his friends! The strong loving and caring bond between my children is one of the things I’m proudest of. 🙂
I actually placed my girl in childcare for the same reason too! By the time her brother arrived, she had already settled in well in the childcare, and it really helped with the transition and change for the whole family. I’m so glad to hear they are enjoying each other even now as teenagers! You should give yourself a good pat on the back! 🙂
We talked through the whole process with my older daughter, and once we found out it was a girl that I was carrying we told her the name so she could address her younger sister by name. She also helped assemble the crib, pick out bedding, and get things ready. We did a gift exchange too, my older daughter helped make a stuffed toy for my younger daughter, and I made one that our baby presented to her older sister when she came home from the hospital.
That’s a good point! I think it’s lovely to involve the older child in the preparation process and getting the house ready for the arrival of the baby.
We talked through the whole process with my older daughter, and once we found out it was a girl that I was carrying we told her the name so she could address her younger sister by name. She also helped assemble the crib, pick out bedding, and get things ready. We did a gift exchange too, my older daughter helped make a stuffed toy for my younger daughter, and I made one that our baby presented to her older sister when she came home from the hospital.
That’s a good point! I think it’s lovely to involve the older child in the preparation process and getting the house ready for the arrival of the baby.
I love that you plan for your children to spend more time together. Our older boys are great friends, despite having very different temperaments – and they adore their younger brother, who soon will be able to “play with” rather than “play beside” them. Good fun!
Karyn, I’m looking forward to that day. Sometimes already find myself imagining them as bigger kids and dreaming of the stuff that we can get up to together. Haha! I also think it’s wonderful that the sibling bond is able to transcend differences in personality, though I’ve also heard of negative stories where some feel they are too different and therefore don’t make an effort to click with each other.
I love that you plan for your children to spend more time together. Our older boys are great friends, despite having very different temperaments – and they adore their younger brother, who soon will be able to “play with” rather than “play beside” them. Good fun!
Karyn, I’m looking forward to that day. Sometimes already find myself imagining them as bigger kids and dreaming of the stuff that we can get up to together. Haha! I also think it’s wonderful that the sibling bond is able to transcend differences in personality, though I’ve also heard of negative stories where some feel they are too different and therefore don’t make an effort to click with each other.
We prepared my oldest by telling her that there was a baby growing inside me, and we showed her pictures from http://www.babycenter.com of a growing baby week by week. She had a lot of questions, and I did my best to answer them! Also, we had a gift exchange for the two girls when my youngest was born.
Now they are 5 yrs old and 1 yr old, and they are starting to play together. Next year my oldest will be in half day kindergarten (the first year of school in the US), and instead of putting her in a program for the second half of the school day, she will be coming home to spend more time with her sister, while she can! The following year she will be full-day, and they will have less time together.
Thank you for sharing your experience from Singapore, June!
Jen 🙂
Hi Jen, that’s a lovely idea – showing her pics of the unborn baby! I think I tried to show her one of the photos taken from a scan, but because she couldn’t quite make out what it was, so she wasn’t interested. 😛 I’m glad that yours can still spend good time together at a school-going age, am sure that a strong foundation has already been laid! 🙂
We prepared my oldest by telling her that there was a baby growing inside me, and we showed her pictures from http://www.babycenter.com of a growing baby week by week. She had a lot of questions, and I did my best to answer them! Also, we had a gift exchange for the two girls when my youngest was born.
Now they are 5 yrs old and 1 yr old, and they are starting to play together. Next year my oldest will be in half day kindergarten (the first year of school in the US), and instead of putting her in a program for the second half of the school day, she will be coming home to spend more time with her sister, while she can! The following year she will be full-day, and they will have less time together.
Thank you for sharing your experience from Singapore, June!
Jen 🙂
Hi Jen, that’s a lovely idea – showing her pics of the unborn baby! I think I tried to show her one of the photos taken from a scan, but because she couldn’t quite make out what it was, so she wasn’t interested. 😛 I’m glad that yours can still spend good time together at a school-going age, am sure that a strong foundation has already been laid! 🙂
This was a lovely story! I adore the idea of the baby gifting their older sibling. I have heard of similar instances in the US but it is not a tradition.
We, too, also tried to never put fault on the baby for changes that occurred in our life either while pregnant or after her birth.
Our Big Girl was only 2 when her sister arrived. She was still a self centered toddler that barely noticed my growing belly, except when she could not fit in my lap any more. I think it was when Little Girl was closer to 1 years old, and getting into Big Girls stuff that she truly took notice of her.
Now at 2.5 and 4.5 years old, they are the best of friends!
This was a lovely story! I adore the idea of the baby gifting their older sibling. I have heard of similar instances in the US but it is not a tradition.
We, too, also tried to never put fault on the baby for changes that occurred in our life either while pregnant or after her birth.
Our Big Girl was only 2 when her sister arrived. She was still a self centered toddler that barely noticed my growing belly, except when she could not fit in my lap any more. I think it was when Little Girl was closer to 1 years old, and getting into Big Girls stuff that she truly took notice of her.
Now at 2.5 and 4.5 years old, they are the best of friends!