I was an arrogant “know-it-all” BC (before children). I considered myself a cross between a childcare library of knowledge and Mary Poppins! I studied Child Psychology and Development, and was trained in CPR (both adult and baby) as well as Level 1 First Aid. This enabled me to earn good money (through the agency, called SuperSitters in Cape Town) to move into the homes of wealthy parents and take care of their “trouble” kids. From babies with colic to special needs scholars, to “terrible” toddlers and spoilt “brats”, there wasn’t a child I couldn’t deal with, both swiftly and efficiently! Naturally, this made me a supremely smug and overconfident expectant mom. After all, I had both theoretical and practical knowledge of how to deal with babies and children up to age 12 … didn’t I?
Here I was … 2 weeks before my due date. My 3 bags were packed. One had everything I might need for the delivery – from a meticulously detailed birth plan (no drugs of course) to ice-packs to ease trauma to the perineum. The other held nighties, sanitary pads, etc for my hospital stay, and I had a fully stocked and equipped baby bag. I thought that I covered everything and was fully prepared for what was to come. You know what they say about the best laid plans … right?
My due date comes and goes with no sign that my son has any intention of being born. Ten days past the due date I think I’m finally ready to give birth. By the time we reach the hospital, my contractions have completely stopped. As I was 10 days overdue and my cervix was 3cm dilated, they kept me overnight. The next morning I was given the option to go home and wait until my contractions started up again, or I could allow my OB/Gyn to induce me. Mistake number 1: I chose induction because I couldn’t bear to leave the hospital and admit to a “false alarm”. I’ll not bore you with the gory details – let me just say that not one single part of my meticulous “birth plan” came to be. I underwent an emergency C-section and came extremely close to dying on the table due to excessive blood loss. My son was delivered around 9pm and I had continuous BP monitoring and blood transfusions throughout the night. By the time I was declared “stable” enough to be transferred down to the Maternity Ward from the Recovery Ward, my son had already been given a bottle of formula.
As a “good” mother, I was planning to breastfeed exclusively …. not easy when my smart son had already figured out a baby bottle was easier to get milk out of than my breasts! Undeterred, I persevered in trying to breastfeed until he developed oral thrush with which he infected my breasts and caused my nipples to bleed.
My “failure” at “natural” birth and breastfeeding contributed to post-partum depression. Add to that a baby who had colic, causing him to cry hysterically from 6pm to 10pm every night, no matter how I tried to soothe him. Add to this the fact that my son projectile vomited after every feeding for the first 2 years of his life, and you can probably imagine the state this “Supersitter” was in.
I went from supremely confident to a blubbering mess who (on occasion) had to be separated from her son as she had thoughts of shaking him! The horror!! Who had I become? I was an “expert”. Every child I’d ever come across (prior to my son) I had absolutely no problem with. Suddenly, I couldn’t even trust myself to be alone with my own baby I’d desired since my 16th birthday!
Thank God for my unbelievably calm and supportive husband, as well as my grandparents. Between them, they made sure that I didn’t hurt myself or my baby. They say the higher you are, the worse the fall. In my worst nightmares I had never envisioned the “disastrous” delivery and first 24 months of my son’s life!
That said, I’m happy to be able to tell you that things improved from then on. My “trouble” baby is now a 19-yearold whom I’m immensely proud of. You might be wondering why I chose to write this particular post. After all, it’s not easy to admit you “messed up” a lot with your own flesh and blood!
I felt I needed to share my story because, sometimes, responses by mothers to other mothers’ posts and / or questions (on websites other than WMB!) are unbelievably harsh, and they remind me of my arrogance as a Supersitter …. before Life taught me a whole lot!
I realize now that no book, course, blog or anything else can truly prepare you for the reality of bringing another human being into the world. Each pregnancy, delivery, mother, father, baby, and everything else is totally unique! As mothers we need to reassure each other that we know best about our own family. What works for one child and / or family won’t necessarily work for another one! We need to share our stories of overcoming adversities only to be the “light at the end of the tunnel” for a mom who is feeling overwhelmed.
Our motto should be “this, too, shall pass” because it inevitably does. Both the good and the bad times make up the patchwork quilt of our lives. We wouldn’t be who we are if any of the “patches” weren’t sewn together!
What were you absolutely sure of, before your children taught you differently?
This is an original post by Mamma Simona from Cape Town. Simona writes exclusively for World Moms Blog. She is the extremely proud mother of 2 teens and also shares her home with an awesome husband, 2 cats and 2 dogs (who were all rescued)!
Photo credit to aroid. It has a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
that’s abeautiful post. as a mother of two kids where one is only 6 weeks old I tell myself “the motto” every single day. In addition reading your story I remembered that my kids are really not that hard to deal with. No 1 was much easier than No 2 but even then the second one is not really that bad.
Thank you!
This too will pass… says it all doesn’t it, Simmona? Yes, we’ve changed our parenting style dramatically. We realised things weren’t working for our oldest son – no matter how much we loved him and no matter how good our intentions.
Love that you had the courage to share your story….my experience while delivering my daughter was very similar to yours without the C-Section…but I got the projectile vomiting after each feed for years!!! She’s now 12 and much easier! 🙂
I can relate to this a lot. I was also “extremely experienced” before I had children. The slap in the face didn’t really hit me until I had my second daughter. I was fortunate to have been able to give birth vaginally in the hospital with her, but it wasn’t what I wanted or expected. I thought I’d have an unassisted birth since I almost had that with my first and I had such an amazing natural homebirth.
I thought I would be able to continually make sure everything was done my way in the hospital after her birth and I did fight for a lot, making sure I breastfed her long before they took her and trying to keep her with me, but I grew tired and confused at everything they were trying to convince me of and though I’d written articles about this very stage I was experiencing in the hospital, it was a traumatic time in which I felt powerless at times. The postpartum period with her was also very difficult. I also wrote a lot about having support, and healing appropriately, but I did not have the support I told myself previously to that birth that I thought everyone should make sure they have(as if everyone has that luxury) and although I still believe in the importance of that support, I know now what it’s like to not have it.
“This, too, shall pass” is a motto my other used and one that pops into my head during times of adversaries. Thank you for reminding me about.
I always wonder about the parenting style of women I believe to be “trained” in child care – whether they be “supersitters” like yourself, pediatricians, or child psychologist. Thank you for your honesty that we are all human after all.
With a 4 and 2 year old at home, I some days we feel like we are in the trenches. But our Big Girl is showing us the light at the end of the tunnel. I will simply remind myself of your motto.
I really loved this post, and ache with you for those first 24 months. I fell hard over two things. For one, it’s very easy to keep your highchair clean when you’re spoon-feeding a 6-month old and I was wrong to judge my friend with an older baby. For another, I could never in a million years imagine that one of my children could throw a tantrum, having been brought up on strict discipline. I should have never judged the mom with a three-year old when mine was only one.
This post made my cry, Simona. I’m so glad you wrote it.
Before having kids, I knew I would have my kids sleeping because I read so many books. My oldest didn’t sleep the night until 3 years old. I knew that I would have it all together and would be able to handle grad school and being a mom — the perfect combination! I left my anthropology graduate program after the first semester and have yet to return, 5 years later. I expected to get pregnant with my second before my first was a year old. My daughters are almost 4 years apart.
You can’t predict every aspect, but all we can do is be adaptable to change! And with that change also comes how very different each child is. The same plan doesn’t always work for each child.
Great post!
Jen 🙂
I did everything that was theoretically “right” with my firstborn. I took my pre-natal vitamins religiously and ate the stuff that pregnant women are “supposed” to eat. I had a natural, drug-free delivery and breastfeed exclusively until solids were introduced. I had done everything that was supposedly good for the baby. I wouldn’t trade my son for anything in the world, but it was a bit of a shock when he turned out to have autism.
We can plan for a certain outcome until the cows come home, but there is no way to predict what spanners will be thrown into the works. At the end of the day, all we can do is make the most of the curveballs that life throws at us.
Great post!
Kirsten
Thank you, Kirsten.
You are a perfect example that we simply get the children we’re meant to have when we’re meant to have them! No matter what was or wasn’t planned, each child is a miracle. Have you ever actually stopped to think about how many things need to be “just right” for a new baby to be born alive at all?
When I was told that I wouldn’t be able to conceive without medical intervention I nearly called off my wedding! Luckily my husband and I were very young and were not in a hurry to start a family, so he married me anyway. 🙂 11 months after my wedding I was pregnant – totally unplanned but a really happy surprise! Doctors are people too and they don’t know everything! 😛
After years of infertility, I was finally pregnant with twins! I assumed that my endless and aching desire to me a mother would make me the most patient and calm mother on the planet! I was not – I am not. I love with an intensity that most mothers do, but I am not as patient as I should be. Journey through motherhood is uniquely different, yet so much the same. Thank you for sharing your story – I loved your post.
I thought for sure that I could make it through child birth drug free… women the world over had done so for centuries, right? That changed when my first-born was late and I was induced. Epidural, here I come… I had it with all three of my kids and I never looked back.
Thanks a million to all of you who took the time to post a comment. I’m really glad that what I said resonated with you. As a total “newbie” to the world of blogs, your encouragement means more to me than you can imagine! In a way, each post I write is like a new baby … you bring it out to the world and hope it’s well received! Thanks again, Simona xoxo
Thanks a million for all your kind comments. As a real “newbie” to the world of blogs, your comments mean more to me than you can imagine. In a way, each of my posts is like a baby … I conceive it and deliver it to the world. Then I pray it grows to help make the world a better place for us all. 🙂 Love & best wishes to all, Simona
I LOVED this post! I am a teacher, and there are days when I want to go back and shake that woman I was, who advised other parents on parenting their child- the childless expert that I was on parenting. Oy…. Now I know that we are all figuring it out, and doing the best we can with what we have. I am a much better teacher now that I am a mom, and shake my head all the time, thinking: “I can manage other’s people’s children so gracefully! Why does mine bring me to my knees so often?!?!?!” Probably because mine is so much like me. 🙂
It never ceases to amaze me how well children behave when away from their parents! It’s true for all of us … I had a “magic touch” with everyone else’s kids but NOT my own … and at the same time teachers / babysitters etc would tell me how wonderful my kids were when I’d just had to leave them to prevent “baby battery”!! Go figure.
I can relate to this, and I try to remember to also not be a know it all now that I am post baby (x2). We each have our own challenges, and it’s easy to commiserate and say “been there.” Sometimes that is spot on, sometimes it’s not. Such a fine line. You put together such an honest post. Thank you!