I am not an ex-patriot, technically speaking. When my ten year resident visa expires in three years I’ll be taking the test to become a citizen of France—well, actually, a dual citizen of France and The United States.
For one thing, it’ll be easier that way not to have to endure the bureaucratic process of renewing my resident visa, even as seldom as once every ten years. For another thing I will be able to vote in both countries, and as I am living here, the politicians elected and the policies implemented will affect my quality of life; in that I want to have a say.
And then there’s the fact that I’ve sort of become French.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve perfectly mastered “the pout” or have the art of dining in a moderate and lively way under my (tiny little designer) belt. I may also stick out like a sore thumb in the schoolyard with my friendly waves and “bonjours” accompanied by a big smile, even after all these years.
But I’ve grown accustomed to the French reserve, the usage of the formal “you” until time and circumstances permit. It has become my way as well. I’m comfortable in my role to play as a foreigner in a small community where I can bring a sense of neighborliness, and my highly sought-after English classes that introduce a good and playful start to the language for those who desire it.
An English friend of mine has three grown (or nearly grown) children and she once told me that if anything happened to her husband, she would stay in France. Her life and roots are here now.
Another American couple I know have both gotten French citizenship and reside in France even though both of their children have gone off to the States for college and work. The husband told me that after twenty years of living here, people in the States ask him where he’s from. And when the clerk at the grocery store droned out “paper or plastic,” he had to ask her twice what she meant, so unaccustomed was he to the small cultural habits taken for granted in his absence.
I can relate to that lifestyle choice – to stay. I think some people become ex-pats kicking and screaming. They just happened to fall in love with someone from a different culture and the obvious choice is sometimes to follow them there. Others were brought up with a great appreciation for the big wide world, and a sense of independence that propels them straight into it.
The latter is me, and largely thanks to my parents’ influence. I wanted a foreign husband and I wanted bilingual children; I am living my dream.
However, not everything about my choice is perfect. I never considered just how hard it would be on my parents to have to settle for a long-distance relationship with their grandchildren, and that it would bother me so much as well.
I didn’t consider that one day there will be the stress of not being present and able to take on the day-to-day care of aging and ailing parents (a situation still thankfully far off). The excitement of living my dream has its costs as well.
I don’t have any solutions; we just make do with our situation. Our family has to travel in peak season because of school, which means that the tickets of our three children are nearly as pricey as ours. A vacation budget of 5,000€ minimum each time does not allow for us to make the trip every year. Fortunately my parents are adventurous about visiting Europe and eager to establish a relationship with their grandchildren, so they make the effort to come at least the years we cannot travel, if not every year.
So that in the end, for now, we do what we can. The future will have to worry about itself.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer in Paris, France, Lady Jennie. You can also find her blogging at A Lady in France.
Photo credited to the author.
The push and pull of long term decisions – c’est la vie, yes? (see what I did there?)
My husband is foreign too and he resides in my country of birth. For now. His parents moved here though, nearly 10 years ago as all 4 of their children had left Australia (3 of them here in Malaysia) so my children are lucky to have the benefit of close proximity grandparenting.
The question of what will we do, will come in though, as we plan to move to Australia in the next 3-4 years. Will the grandparents follow? No idea. Le sigh.
Tres bien, Alison! lol
Très bien indeed – both of you! 😉
Alison, I so hope they do follow you guys. Having grandparents around are precious.
The push and pull of long term decisions – c’est la vie, yes? (see what I did there?)
My husband is foreign too and he resides in my country of birth. For now. His parents moved here though, nearly 10 years ago as all 4 of their children had left Australia (3 of them here in Malaysia) so my children are lucky to have the benefit of close proximity grandparenting.
The question of what will we do, will come in though, as we plan to move to Australia in the next 3-4 years. Will the grandparents follow? No idea. Le sigh.
Tres bien, Alison! lol
Très bien indeed – both of you! 😉
Alison, I so hope they do follow you guys. Having grandparents around are precious.
My parents dragged me off to South Africa (from Italy) when I was 8 years old, and I cried myself to sleep evey night for my first year here! I somehow met and fell in love with a man who was 5 years old when his parents also emigrated to South Africa from Italy! 🙂
We now absolutely LOVE Cape Town and seriously can’t imagine living anywhere else in the world … except if our children emigrate. I grew up without grandparents and so did my kids (their grandparents moved back overseas but we stayed here). There is NO WAY that I’m going to let a 3rd generation miss out on having grandparents near by!!
You said it! I have more choice than my parents do should the need arise one day because I have dual citizenship (or will). I can choose to move where the grandkids are.
My parents dragged me off to South Africa (from Italy) when I was 8 years old, and I cried myself to sleep evey night for my first year here! I somehow met and fell in love with a man who was 5 years old when his parents also emigrated to South Africa from Italy! 🙂
We now absolutely LOVE Cape Town and seriously can’t imagine living anywhere else in the world … except if our children emigrate. I grew up without grandparents and so did my kids (their grandparents moved back overseas but we stayed here). There is NO WAY that I’m going to let a 3rd generation miss out on having grandparents near by!!
You said it! I have more choice than my parents do should the need arise one day because I have dual citizenship (or will). I can choose to move where the grandkids are.
We have a similar problem living in the States, if you can believe it. This issue is constantly on my heart. Because we’re in a place where none of our family resides, and all three sets of grandparents are on a budget (as well as us), my kiddos only get to see their grandparents, and aunt and uncle (especially on my husband’s side) about once a year, twice if we’re lucky. Which seems ludicrous because we all live in the United States and yet, the United States is a big place. Our boys are growing so fast, the grandparents aren’t here to witness it often…hoping, somehow, it gets better. The husband and are going to try to make it so.
That is so sad Mel – I hope the situation will change!
We have a similar problem living in the States, if you can believe it. This issue is constantly on my heart. Because we’re in a place where none of our family resides, and all three sets of grandparents are on a budget (as well as us), my kiddos only get to see their grandparents, and aunt and uncle (especially on my husband’s side) about once a year, twice if we’re lucky. Which seems ludicrous because we all live in the United States and yet, the United States is a big place. Our boys are growing so fast, the grandparents aren’t here to witness it often…hoping, somehow, it gets better. The husband and are going to try to make it so.
That is so sad Mel – I hope the situation will change!
I can totally relate to your post. While we are not living in a different country, my husband ventured to the west coast for a job after college, we then got married, I followed, we started our own family, and now our own families remain on the east coast. We love the quality of life out here, but I too never considered how hard it would be to see my girls growing up with long-distance relationships with their grandparents and cousins.
Le sigh once again. You’re right…we do what we can.
Being on two opposite coasts may as well be another country, honestly. You definitely know how it feels then.
I can totally relate to your post. While we are not living in a different country, my husband ventured to the west coast for a job after college, we then got married, I followed, we started our own family, and now our own families remain on the east coast. We love the quality of life out here, but I too never considered how hard it would be to see my girls growing up with long-distance relationships with their grandparents and cousins.
Le sigh once again. You’re right…we do what we can.
Being on two opposite coasts may as well be another country, honestly. You definitely know how it feels then.
My husband left his home country of England to come to the US. We often consider living abroad, too. It takes a lot to actually do it, so you are brave!! I think it will be one of those things in life I’ll look back on and regret not taking the chance to do it. I need to start thinking about it! It is great to hear your experience. I know there will be positives and negatives of a move, but you don’t know until you try, right?
Jen 🙂
Jen, if anyone will end up moving somewhere it has to be you! It’s not so hard when all the pieces fall into place – it’s just getting all the pieces to fall into place that’s hard. 😉
My husband left his home country of England to come to the US. We often consider living abroad, too. It takes a lot to actually do it, so you are brave!! I think it will be one of those things in life I’ll look back on and regret not taking the chance to do it. I need to start thinking about it! It is great to hear your experience. I know there will be positives and negatives of a move, but you don’t know until you try, right?
Jen 🙂
Jen, if anyone will end up moving somewhere it has to be you! It’s not so hard when all the pieces fall into place – it’s just getting all the pieces to fall into place that’s hard. 😉
I’m so lucky that when we left Germany for the US it was as a family and my children have both sets of grandparents close. I married an American and now am American myself. My sister chose to go back to Germany with her husband and now that they have a baby she says that she wishes they had stayed. It’s tough when family is so far away and you do the best you can to stay close… Thank goodness for Skype!!! Bonne journee!
Does Skype work for you? My kids are always so hyper that no one can get a word in edgewise. My sister and German brother-in-law are expecting so they are going to have this problem on his side of things.
I’m so lucky that when we left Germany for the US it was as a family and my children have both sets of grandparents close. I married an American and now am American myself. My sister chose to go back to Germany with her husband and now that they have a baby she says that she wishes they had stayed. It’s tough when family is so far away and you do the best you can to stay close… Thank goodness for Skype!!! Bonne journee!
Does Skype work for you? My kids are always so hyper that no one can get a word in edgewise. My sister and German brother-in-law are expecting so they are going to have this problem on his side of things.
I spent my childhood moving around the country with my Air Force family. I saw my grandparents and cousins once a year. I adored them and felt close to them, even though far away. Even after my grandparents passed, I am still close to my cousins after all these years. As a grandparent, I moved across the US when I remarried. I had two grandbabies at the time and didn’t realize just how hard it would be to live so far away. It was much harder than I ever dreamed, especially as number three and four came while I was there. After five years, my husband and I moved back to NM and now I am within 3 to 4 hours of all FIVE grands and I actually got to go and stay a week with my son and his wife when the fifth one was born. This modern world does have us living so far from each other, but you can help your kids feel close to their grandparents by telling them stories, showing pictures and now with skype, they can even talk to them. As for grandparents, well it’s hard for us to not be physically close by, but it does make the reunions that much sweeter!
Jane, thank you for this optimistic cheerful comment! 🙂
I spent my childhood moving around the country with my Air Force family. I saw my grandparents and cousins once a year. I adored them and felt close to them, even though far away. Even after my grandparents passed, I am still close to my cousins after all these years. As a grandparent, I moved across the US when I remarried. I had two grandbabies at the time and didn’t realize just how hard it would be to live so far away. It was much harder than I ever dreamed, especially as number three and four came while I was there. After five years, my husband and I moved back to NM and now I am within 3 to 4 hours of all FIVE grands and I actually got to go and stay a week with my son and his wife when the fifth one was born. This modern world does have us living so far from each other, but you can help your kids feel close to their grandparents by telling them stories, showing pictures and now with skype, they can even talk to them. As for grandparents, well it’s hard for us to not be physically close by, but it does make the reunions that much sweeter!
Jane, thank you for this optimistic cheerful comment! 🙂
Dear Jane, thank you so much for giving your perspective as a Gran … it gives me hope for the future! 🙂
I agree that we’re very fortunate that technology like Skype allows us to connect more easily with friends and family overseas. Reunions are awesome … it just seems that saying “so long” at the airport never gets any easier … especially when you can’t be certain if / when you’ll get to hug your loved one again.
Alas, our kids’ grandparents live on other coasts. We often daydream about weekend get togethers, or dropping the kids off for some alone time. *sigh*
Side note- My husband wants to move to France at some point, but I’ve never been. How do you feel about random visitors on your doorstep? 🙂
Did you know we’re rooming together at BlogHer? (I think – through Emp if I’m not mistaken). If we can crack each other up, then sure! 😉 No seriously, really? That would be ultra cool if you moved here.
Alas, our kids’ grandparents live on other coasts. We often daydream about weekend get togethers, or dropping the kids off for some alone time. *sigh*
Side note- My husband wants to move to France at some point, but I’ve never been. How do you feel about random visitors on your doorstep? 🙂
Did you know we’re rooming together at BlogHer? (I think – through Emp if I’m not mistaken). If we can crack each other up, then sure! 😉 No seriously, really? That would be ultra cool if you moved here.
My husband’s parents (and aunts, uncles, cousins and two sisters) live in Northville, NY (a tiny village an hour outside of Albany).
Although it is in this country, his hometown is a world apart from ours in southern California. There are no stoplights or fast foot restaurants there; no gyms or movie theaters or shopping centers.
It is small-town to the core, friendly and unassuming; every house has just one bathroom and a kitchen in need of remodeling. When we visit, all 2,000 residents know we are out-of-towners instantly.
They call us “Hollywood” even though I’ve rarely been there. I miss some comforts of home when there but also wish we lived in an area more down-to-earth and humble.
Still. We are citizens. No need for passports or Visas. No language issues.
Our cultural references remain in sync.
I suppose love always requires some compromise and dreams are not without cost.
And for the record, I think your loves and dreams are worth it all…
I’m from upstate NY so I know what you’re talking about (but don’t know the town).
Wow. I’m so privileged to know someone from Hollywood. I didn’t realize I was dealing with a celebrity.
Well, I kind of did know actually – she just goes by any other name.
My husband’s parents (and aunts, uncles, cousins and two sisters) live in Northville, NY (a tiny village an hour outside of Albany).
Although it is in this country, his hometown is a world apart from ours in southern California. There are no stoplights or fast foot restaurants there; no gyms or movie theaters or shopping centers.
It is small-town to the core, friendly and unassuming; every house has just one bathroom and a kitchen in need of remodeling. When we visit, all 2,000 residents know we are out-of-towners instantly.
They call us “Hollywood” even though I’ve rarely been there. I miss some comforts of home when there but also wish we lived in an area more down-to-earth and humble.
Still. We are citizens. No need for passports or Visas. No language issues.
Our cultural references remain in sync.
I suppose love always requires some compromise and dreams are not without cost.
And for the record, I think your loves and dreams are worth it all…
I’m from upstate NY so I know what you’re talking about (but don’t know the town).
Wow. I’m so privileged to know someone from Hollywood. I didn’t realize I was dealing with a celebrity.
Well, I kind of did know actually – she just goes by any other name.
Bonjour Jennie –
My sister married an Australian. Their daughter is 2 and our kids are three and they plan to move there in a year or two and I’ll never be able to see them and I can’t even think about it before bed because it is so sad. It is crazy how people that care about each other live apart, but it also happens for a reason. I get it, but it breaks my heart. Rachel (M)
Oh Rachel, that is sad. I’m sorry you’ll have to undergo that separation. But I can say that people who weren’t big travelers before become it when there’s loved ones involved. And somehow you find the money.
Bonjour Jennie –
My sister married an Australian. Their daughter is 2 and our kids are three and they plan to move there in a year or two and I’ll never be able to see them and I can’t even think about it before bed because it is so sad. It is crazy how people that care about each other live apart, but it also happens for a reason. I get it, but it breaks my heart. Rachel (M)
Oh Rachel, that is sad. I’m sorry you’ll have to undergo that separation. But I can say that people who weren’t big travelers before become it when there’s loved ones involved. And somehow you find the money.
I feel you on this Jennie! We are on an annual trip back to the States and I’m feeling fully the joy of being with family and the sadness at how far apart we’ve placed ourselves. Life is trade offs though. We love living abroad and the global perspective our children are growing up with. Great post!
Oh Jennie, how I swoon for your words and choices. I can relate to the long distance choices that we’ve made (our’s are international at my parents’ level, within the states for us).
(Life really is all a series of choices, isn’t it?)
Lovely choices and lovely words, friend!
xo
Cou Cou… Another girl in your same shoes here! I’m also living my dream but it’s so hard to see my boys grow far away from their grandparents in the US and MX. They do travel, too, but I wish I could just call my mom and tell her we’re coming over for lunch. I’m sure you’ll perfect the pout bientot!
It’s been 3 years when I saw my family in Poland. They have never met my kids in person or my husband. They can’t afford tickets neither can we.
I’ve lived in US for five years now and I wonder when do you reach the point when you become accustomed to being a foreigner? In my case it seems like the longer I live here the less I like being one (foreigner).
It’s been 3 years when I saw my family in Poland. They have never met my kids in person or my husband. They can’t afford tickets neither can we.
I’ve lived in US for five years now and I wonder when do you reach the point when you become accustomed to being a foreigner? In my case it seems like the longer I live here the less I like being one (foreigner).
I think there are so many factors that come into play. Your kids are young, it seems, and that is hard no matter what country you’re in, but even harder when you’re in a foreign one far from family support. A Polish friend of mine here would love to go back to her country, but her son has heart problems and there is not the medical support that she would need there so she has to stay in France. I think she is happier now than she was a few years ago. Then again, an Indonesian friend of mine is still looking for ways to return after having been here for five years. It all comes down to job possibilities for her husband.
But I’d say, if I had to venture a guess, you can’t know before five years if you are able to live in a country or not. You need five years at least, and you need for the kids to start going to school and for you to start meeting other moms that way (and just get a little bit of a breather) before you know whether you’re going to be happy in a country.
And then I think it’s probably about ten years before you know whether or not you’re a lifer. Or something like that.
Good luck, it is certainly not easy.
I know what you mean. there are so many people I know that can’t imagine going back to Poland even after being here only for a few years…. at the same time I know people who have lived here for a long long time and they actually never got used to it but it’s been so long that they don’t want to go back because they would feel lost in Poland, as well. Go figure !
I think all “expats” feel that on some level. Even though I’ve lived in S.A. since I was 8 years old, LOVE Cape Town and can’t imagine living anywhere else – a part of me misses real Italian things and people sometimes. Especially Italian food … yum yum …. on 2nd thought it’s probably a blessing I don’t have access to it … last time I was in Italy on holiday I put on 8kg in 3 weeks!
lol. Polish food is not the healthies, as well… and I am too lazy to cook it at home where my husband doesn’t like Polish cuisine at all so it’s only me eating it. as for living in US I moved many times since I came here so I don’t have MY PLACE that I could call “home”. I am still looking, though. I mean now it’s more like WE are still looking hoping to find one very soon.
I missed this post when it first came ’round, so am glad it was highlighted for the “blogcation” bests! Jennie, as usual, you’ve given les mots parfait to the expat situation (and how nice of you not to laugh as we all trot out what in my case, at least, is faux-french)…our move to Abu Dhabi last August was/is exciting and mostly it’s been fine, with the exception of how far away my family feels. We were a call-every-day family, at least my mom & sister & I, so skype and “phone dates” really don’t cut it. We are going to do an intensive family immersion visit this summer, which will be lovely, but then…we come back here. I’m not sure how to make it work, or if it ever will really “work.” Maybe, yes, it will always be what they call in the tech-world a “work around:” we’ll make do, make it work, even though it’s not quite what it’s “supposed” to be…