Raising a mixed-culture child is unique, there’s no doubt about it. There’s a lot of mix-and-match of parenting techniques until we finally find our own little blend of both cultures that works for my son and me.
Besides the obvious ability of him to speak bilingual, Indonesian and English, we have a lot of aspects that we assimilate and incorporate from both cultures.
It all started even before he was born. My dotting mother, a.k.a. the first-time-grandma, bombarded me with advice from the moment she found out I was expecting her first grandbaby.
Now that we have moved back from the United States and live in Jakarta permanently, there are still times where I have to put my foot down and butt-heads with my mother, who has turned into my son’s lawyer. My father, on the other hand, has been more laid back and he usually agrees with a lot of my reasoning.
There’s a lot of arguments and sometimes I just have to be quiet as not to offend my mother, letting go of the little things but there are times when I also have to stand my ground. This is usually when the boy is in time out and my mother tries to defend him. My son knows by now that his grandma cannot rescue him all the time.
From the time out method, which my mother hates—since I was spanked and worse when I was little if I misbehaved, you know the whole corporal punishments back then—to my desire to have my son feed himself, rather than being spoon fed by the nanny, there are a lot of frictions in raising a bi-culture kid. To balance it out, I focus on the good and combine it to fit us better.
I still remember the horror-striken look on my mother’s face when I started giving my son regular milk after he turned one instead of one of the famous brands of formula bombarded to Indonesian parents. Or how I swear by cajuput oil and how he was never a gassy baby because those traditional Indonesian oil ‘rescued’ us.
There are a lot of traditional Indonesian remedies that I do use and it does works as it’s better than relying on medications all the time for common toddler ailments.
Most Indonesians are not familiar with “sugar rush,” to them kids acting all crazy after too much chocolate or candy is normal kid behavior. It took me awhile to get my family to understand this and to gently make them stop giving my son too many sweets. This is one thing that made my son sneak behind me and beg for more sweets from his grandmother.
One thing I taught him is our custom of never addressing older people by their first name. My boy would call you Tante (Aunty) or Oom (Uncle) or even Bapak (Sir) which is a custom here in Indonesia. It is considered rude to call someone other than your friends/peers by their first name.
Maybe it was similar to what I experienced living in Alabama. I looked away when people called me “Ma’am” Or even “Mrs…”. It’s a different story in Guangzhou, China where people call me “Madame” which makes me feel so old, but it’s their custom, and I’m a firm believer that no matter where you are you have to respect the local cultures.
It’s not always easy to blend two cultures but it’s been very rewarding as I get to see my boy talk in Indonesian with my family and talk in English with his father. At the end, raising a happy healthy kid matters most, don’t you think?
Do you have mixed race kids? How do you combine the cultures? Or if you are living in another country, do you pick up bits and pieces of the local cultures in your parenting style?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our single-mother of one, Tatter Scoops of Indonesia.
The image used in this post is credited to Stevegatto. It holds a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
Maureen
Founder of Single Moms Indonesia, community leader and builder. Deeply passionate about women empowerment.
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This is so interesting to me. We live in Jakarta and we are raising bilingual bicultural (American and Mexican) kids. I sometimes get very frustrated by the fact that nannies try to take over so much and the kids become so dependent on them. Like 4 year old still being fed milk in a baby bottle and carried on a sling. I can totally see how you are struggling with some of the customs here. But like I always say, take in the good, learn as much as you can and at the end do it your own way. God gave us maternal instincts for a reason! =)
Hi Ana, yes it’s very common views here to see kids being dotted by nannies isn’t? I have one but my son knows better now lol. That’s the joy of mixing the cultures, we get a lot more things that enrich our lives and our children. 🙂
I’m a standard-issue western european mutt (english, irish, french, welsh, etc); my husband (born in new york) has a father from karachi and a mother from manila, who met in nyc & lived there for their entire married life. Our Lola (tagalog for grandmother) was wildly indulgent and didn’t understand “my” ideas about raising kids, which created some problems in when my kids were toddlers…I will say, though, that she died a few years ago and when I look back on what seemed like such HUGE issues, they seem much less important (my kids are now 8 &11) . . . I’m wishing, in fact, that she were still around to teach them more about her piece of their family background.
Sounds like a very interesting mix you got there of many different cultures. I’m sure it has enrich your children’s lives as much as yours. I try to let go of little things if not I know my Mom will drive me crazy lol but there are some things such as disciplines and being independent that I want my son to have. He’s the first and only grandson so I understand how my Mom tend to spoil him rotten.
My husband is English and I am American. We are raising our kids in the states, but there have been cultural issues that come up. I slack in the very English “polite” societal “manners” — how to leave your fork and knife after you eat, etc., and I am totally ok with that. 🙂
Jen 🙂
Jen, but I’m sure your kids are just fine having an awesome mother like you. The fork thing reminded me of my late grandmother. I should thank her for teaching me and my brothers the “proper” ways of table manners. Looking back, when we were little we always scared her because of her Dutch ways of teaching us were well very tough but now I wish I had the chance to thank her and hug her for all that she’s done. 🙂
My husband is very American, and I have a French mother (who helps watch the kids while I’m at work…and who I have the same conversation re discipline and spoon feeding as you have with your mother 🙂 ). As such my children are being raised bi-lingual (French and English) and bi-cultural. I hope to impart the best of both worlds to them.