During my visit to South Africa in February, I was chatting online with my husband one day when my mom passed by on her way to the kitchen. She caught a glimpse of the computer screen and asked me what “LOL” meant. The ensuing discussion about online communication morphed into a conversation about my Internet friendships. My mom was astounded to learn that there are people I regard as good friends without ever having met them in person.
When I was a kid, there was no such thing as an online friendship. We were best friends with the people we went to school with or lived next door to. When we met people our age on vacation, we exchanged addresses with them (not addresses of the email variety), wrote to them once or twice, and then relegated them to our collection of fond memories. We didn’t maintain friendships with people we didn’t see regularly because it just wasn’t practical.
By contrast, the vast majority of my friends today are online friends, and a number of my “real life” friendships originated on the Internet. Some people who would not be able to recognize me on the street have entrusted me with sensitive details about their lives. I have given and received advice, and shared all kinds of joys and sorrows with people I know only through the magic of technology. From time to time, I arrange to meet one of my online friends in real life, and it’s always worked out well.
When I was talking to my mom about this, she asked me that all-important question: how do I know it’s safe?
How indeed? And how will I teach my children how to make that judgement when they get older?
Fortunately, my children are still at an age where online communication does not feature in their lives. Their computer is connected to the Internet, but they don’t have things like email addresses or Instant Messenger ID’s. The reality, though, is that a few years from now, they will be wanting Facebook profiles. They will have Smartphones, and they will use them in much the same way I use mine: to connect with people in all kinds of ways.
As parents, we have two options: either we discourage our children from any form of online communication, citing the dangers and drawbacks, or we empower them by teaching them about online safety and how to recognize danger.
It’s a bit like sex education in some respects. I was educated at a girls-only Catholic school and raised by old-school (but absolutely awesome) parents. Their approach to sex education was to tell me not to do it. I had to watch awful abortion videos and endure talks about teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. At no time was safe sex ever discussed. It was just assumed that me and my classmates would be “good girls”, therefore we didn’t have to know anything about condoms or HIV tests or birth control pills.
My parents, and the parents of my peers, seemed to be in denial of the fact that many of us were going to do it anyway, so equipping us with the tools and knowledge to do it safely might have been a better approach.
In the same way, I don’t really see how I will able to prevent my kids from forming online friendships when they get older. Instead of telling them not to and then assuming that they won’t, I think I would be better advised to guide them and teach them how to be safe about it.
We are laying the groundwork for that now, by establishing open lines of communication, at any time of the day or night. If my boys feel that they can talk to us about anything that’s on their minds, they won’t feel the need to hide anything from us.
I’m not completely naive about this, of course. I remember what it was like to be a teenager. There will always be something that my kids don’t tell me. But it is my hope that they will let me in on the big stuff – the things that really matter, that have the potential to alter the course of their lives one way or another.
If I can foster a relationship of respect and openness with my kids, I believe they will be more likely to allow us to openly monitor and help them navigate their online communications without us having to resort to secretive methods, and without them feeling that we are invading their privacy.
That being said, if I have to resort to secretive methods to keep my kids safe, I absolutely will.
What is your approach to teaching your kids about online communications? Do you try to keep your kids away from that kind of thing, or do you allow them to make their online connections with your guidance?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Kirsten Doyle of Toronto, Canada.  Kirsten can also be found on her blog, Running for Autism, or on Twitter @Running4autism. You can also connect with her on Facebook.
(Photo credit: Kirsten Doyle)
Excellent post. My littlies are still small enough to shelter and not worry about these issues too much. I do think, when the time is right, that I will have to teach them how to be safe. You can’t bubble-wrap them forever. Hopefully, I will have taught them well enough and guided them to make safe decisions. It’s a scary and wonderful world out there 🙂
Excellent post. My littlies are still small enough to shelter and not worry about these issues too much. I do think, when the time is right, that I will have to teach them how to be safe. You can’t bubble-wrap them forever. Hopefully, I will have taught them well enough and guided them to make safe decisions. It’s a scary and wonderful world out there 🙂
I will teach him the right way of doing it. I mean, it has now become so much part of our lives. We should as well use technology wisely.
Having said that, I have a lot of good friends whom I have nver met in my life. I have met a few of my online friends though. But I take it slow and arrange meetings one at a time and it has worked out well so far. How do I know if it is safe? The first time I met Melanie, my online friend from anther forum, BabyFit.com, my dad was all jitters. He asked me, how do you know it is safe? How indeed? At such times, you have to trust your heart and it worked out so well. She is one friend for life.
Kirsten, I so much relate to your post. I think we should educate our kids about technology and help them use it wisely.
I have to second Alchemist’s comment. We met online, then exchanged numbers and finally met in person. It was a bold step, but definitely turned out worth it. Teaching children right from wrong is going to be a herculean task….but a necessary one. And above all, I will put my trust in God, that everything we teach them will take them on the right path….
I will teach him the right way of doing it. I mean, it has now become so much part of our lives. We should as well use technology wisely.
Having said that, I have a lot of good friends whom I have nver met in my life. I have met a few of my online friends though. But I take it slow and arrange meetings one at a time and it has worked out well so far. How do I know if it is safe? The first time I met Melanie, my online friend from anther forum, BabyFit.com, my dad was all jitters. He asked me, how do you know it is safe? How indeed? At such times, you have to trust your heart and it worked out so well. She is one friend for life.
Kirsten, I so much relate to your post. I think we should educate our kids about technology and help them use it wisely.
I have to second Alchemist’s comment. We met online, then exchanged numbers and finally met in person. It was a bold step, but definitely turned out worth it. Teaching children right from wrong is going to be a herculean task….but a necessary one. And above all, I will put my trust in God, that everything we teach them will take them on the right path….
I am a teacher of grade 3 students, and I can tell you that this is one of our greatest hot topics in schools these days. So many children have parents who are not internet savvy, or who don’t really interact on social networks, so they aren’t clued into the dangers that come with un-monitored internet use. As teachers, we deal with a lot of issues that spring from internet use: cyber bullying, cyber prey, online fraud, etc. We have to consistently work to teach children about safe internet practice, that we now call “Good Cyber-Citizenship!”
It is so great to hear that you are already aware, and thinking about how you will teach your children to use the internet safely/wisely. This is something that all of us need to be on top of and thinking about, so thank you for bringing up the topic.
I am a teacher of grade 3 students, and I can tell you that this is one of our greatest hot topics in schools these days. So many children have parents who are not internet savvy, or who don’t really interact on social networks, so they aren’t clued into the dangers that come with un-monitored internet use. As teachers, we deal with a lot of issues that spring from internet use: cyber bullying, cyber prey, online fraud, etc. We have to consistently work to teach children about safe internet practice, that we now call “Good Cyber-Citizenship!”
It is so great to hear that you are already aware, and thinking about how you will teach your children to use the internet safely/wisely. This is something that all of us need to be on top of and thinking about, so thank you for bringing up the topic.
Since my kids are respectively 19 and 16 years old, I can tell you what worked for us. We talked about “safety rules” online from when they were in Primary school (and before they actually had Internet access) – never divulge home address and / or phone number (just for starters). We also talked about the fact that some people are not who they pretend to be.
Both my children have invited me to be their friend on Facebook …. and a lot of their friends have invited me to be their online friend too! 🙂 I earned this privilege by being honest and also by being mindful of the things which I was told in confidence. My children’s entire circle of friends know that they can trust me to give them advice when asked and to keep quiet when my imput is not appropriate. 🙂
Since my kids are respectively 19 and 16 years old, I can tell you what worked for us. We talked about “safety rules” online from when they were in Primary school (and before they actually had Internet access) – never divulge home address and / or phone number (just for starters). We also talked about the fact that some people are not who they pretend to be.
Both my children have invited me to be their friend on Facebook …. and a lot of their friends have invited me to be their online friend too! 🙂 I earned this privilege by being honest and also by being mindful of the things which I was told in confidence. My children’s entire circle of friends know that they can trust me to give them advice when asked and to keep quiet when my imput is not appropriate. 🙂
Interesting post, Kirsten. I think it’s important that you’re looking ahead and anticipating what your sons lives will be like and the protection they’ll need. I hope you will come back and report what worked best for internet safety!
Jen 🙂
Interesting post, Kirsten. I think it’s important that you’re looking ahead and anticipating what your sons lives will be like and the protection they’ll need. I hope you will come back and report what worked best for internet safety!
Jen 🙂
What an important topic, esp in today’s technological age. My kids are way to small for me to worry just yet, but my son’s school teachers them all about te Internetand computers….in fact we are required to get them laptops in the 5th grade! Although, like sex ed (I love the analogy you used btw Kirsten) I will not leave it up to school 100%. I have started teaching my son about the wonderful tool that the internet is, when it comes to researching something that he is interested in….now I have to teach him that there could be some bad things too. Thanks for the reminder!
What an important topic, esp in today’s technological age. My kids are way to small for me to worry just yet, but my son’s school teachers them all about te Internetand computers….in fact we are required to get them laptops in the 5th grade! Although, like sex ed (I love the analogy you used btw Kirsten) I will not leave it up to school 100%. I have started teaching my son about the wonderful tool that the internet is, when it comes to researching something that he is interested in….now I have to teach him that there could be some bad things too. Thanks for the reminder!
I was just talking to a friend about this the other day, Kirsten, and I think my general approach would be as you said, to guide them through the pros and cons of forming an online identity and online friendships, and just be there! I really like what you said about building openness and respect from the start, and to approach every doubt or question in their young minds seriously, not with a view to clamp down on them, but to get the message across that we really care for them, and it’s not that we don’t trust them.
Even in a country that’s quite known for safety and security – Singapore – I still feel a little iffy about sharing on the blog about my family, kids, friends, hobbies, hang-out places, etc, and there are some things which I like to keep under lock and key. I guess that it’s the same for all of us wherever we may be?
I was just talking to a friend about this the other day, Kirsten, and I think my general approach would be as you said, to guide them through the pros and cons of forming an online identity and online friendships, and just be there! I really like what you said about building openness and respect from the start, and to approach every doubt or question in their young minds seriously, not with a view to clamp down on them, but to get the message across that we really care for them, and it’s not that we don’t trust them.
Even in a country that’s quite known for safety and security – Singapore – I still feel a little iffy about sharing on the blog about my family, kids, friends, hobbies, hang-out places, etc, and there are some things which I like to keep under lock and key. I guess that it’s the same for all of us wherever we may be?