As parents, I think we each have our shining moments, average moments and moments that we, unsuccessfully, try hard to forget.
And we each have those moments when we are torn. Torn between our own needs and our kids needs, be they real or imagined.
I had one of those heart “tearing” moments this past week. I have been exhausted, not feeling well and in need of some kind of relaxation, not to mention in need of some one on one time with my husband. On the spur of the moment, on Saturday night we made the decision and the reservations to go away for one night on Tuesday night. We made plans for our three kids who live at home and our other two are grown up and soldiers are in the army. I was literally counting the moments.
On Monday night, my eldest son, who is just shy of twenty-two, was hospitalized through the army. He had an ear infection that was draining and not clearing up with oral antibiotics and he was in a lot of pain. And I was torn.
I was exhausted and feeling under the weather. And while I felt I should go see how he was, as a nurse I also knew that he was okay and that it wasn’t urgent. He also kept telling me I didn’t need to come in. So my husband went to see him. Without me. (Which has to be a first for me in situations like this.)
The next morning, I went to work and after work, my husband and I decided we were still going away for our much needed mini vacation. My son was in the hospital for two days before I saw him. I felt horrible but yet at the same time felt oddly okay about it. I knew that while things would get done more smoothly were I there, I also knew it wasn’t an emergency.
Of course, that didn’t stop the occasional nagging, gnawing feelings from surfacing. I mean after all, what kind of bad mother would not be at her son’s side when he was in the hospital? I did speak to him a lot, but even that was guilt inducing because from the frequency of my son’s calls to me, I knew that even though he kept saying there was no need for me to be there, I also knew he wouldn’t have minded having me there.
I was a bad mother because I was taking care of myself and my needs instead of being there with my son, mothering him and being his advocate in a world I understood about way more than him.
Every single person on this planet has unique thinking as well as their own private logic about what makes someone a good or a bad parent.
I think most of us will agree that an abusive parent is a bad parent. (Although what constitutes abuse will most likely differ from person to person.) One person might consider a parent who lets their very young child slide down a slide on their own to be a bad parent, while another might consider an overprotective mother or father who doesn’t allow their child to slide on their own to be the bad parent.
One person might consider a father who sits and helps his child with all their homework to be a fantastic parent, while another might consider that person to be a coddling parent who is fostering dependence instead of independence in their child.
Some people might consider a mother who goes on a vacation, even a very short one, instead of being by her adult son’s side when he is hospitalized to be a bad parent. Others might realize that the only way to be a good parent is to take care of yourself first.
And I felt both ways about myself depending on the moment. That vacation was exactly what I needed and it gave me a desperately needed boost. It gave me the energy to sit by my son’s side the whole next day, ask questions, be on top of the doctors and get him released for two days to spend the weekend at home.
In the end, the only person who can really decide if someone’s a bad mother or father, is the person themselves. But what makes that decision even harder is not just our own conflict of values. We are swayed by our thoughts of how we think others will view our actions. My guess is that if we lived on a remote desolate desert island and were not worried about anyone else’s perceptions, half of our guilt ridden moments would disappear.
I was a bad mother, I even have a hysterical looking small strip of sunburn to prove it. But you know what? It was the right thing for me to do. I can only be a good mother if, at times, I allow myself to be a bad one and put myself first.
When have you been torn and chosen to be a “bad mother”? Do you think our feelings about our own mothering are influenced by the perceptions of others?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Susie Newday of Israel. You can find her positive thoughts on her blog, New Day New Lesson.
Photo credit to the author.
Susie Newday (Israel)
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
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We all do have these conflicted moments, absolutely. Your post gives us a lot to think about, but I’m going to pick up only on one small, perhaps unintentional point: you say “I can only be a good mother if at times I allow myself to be a bad one and put myself first.” I don’t think that “bad mother” means “put yourself first.” I think a good mother recognizes when her fuse is short, batteries are fried, energy supply is low…whatever your metaphor is – and then she does something for herself to renew that energy supply. Making ourselves feel that we’re “bad mothers” for treating ourselves as individuals with needs and lives that are separate from our children seems like a recipe for an ever-crabbier mamma. I think your post makes that point abundantly clear: YOU (and your relationship with your husband) needed that time, and having that time made you able to fill your family’s needs – so that’s not being a “bad” mother at all. I’m glad you’ve got a sunburn…and that your son is okay…you sound like a great mom.
Just to clarify, I also think we need to put ourselves first. But it seems that in our society the message is that kids should come first. I’m hoping their is more emphasis put on nurturing ourselves first so we can nurture others.
Oh how we’ve all felt the same way as you at one point or another! I’m not sure if it was a factor of having twins and dealing with two babies at once, but I’ve always followed my self-proclaimed adage, “Happy Mommy, Happy Babies.” – no matter what may have been judged of me. I know myself well enough that if I don’t take care of myself that I won’t be able to be my best for what my kids and my family need of me. Another thing is that I know I’m my own worse critic, so not only do I try to quiet those self disparaging voices inside my own head but I try real hard not to second guess what others are thinking of me. Great post getting real on what it takes to care for our families! (Hope your sunburn is not so bad by now.)
I agree. And my sunburn was one little strip on one side of my chest where I must have missed the suntan lotion. Looks really funny but feels better. Thanks.
I totally agree with Deborah Quinn’s comment! I was a far worse mom before I realised that the very best thing I could do for my family was to take care of my own needs so I could better take care of theirs!! 🙂
What I love most about WMB is how supportive we all are of different parenting practices. Sadly there are mothers out there who create more stress for themselves and others by believing that there is such as thing as a “right” way to parent!!
I have finally realised that (when it comes to parenting) there’s no such thing as “right” and “wrong” (apart from abuse … but abusive parents don’t frequent these sites!!). In parenting there is only what works for you and your family and what doesn’t!! A huge weight got lifted off my shoulders when I owned this truth: The ONLY thing that matters is that I raise my children in love and equip them, to the best of my ability, for the “Big Bad World” out there!!
Again I agree. ON the other hand, way to often we see something that someone else is doing and think-they shouldn’t be doing that. And others do that to us. It’s still there in the background, people judging people and of course us judging ourselves.
I agree with Deborah that to be able to care for others we must first care for ourselves. That said, in practice I have the same dilemas as you do and I probably would have felt similarly in the same situation 🙂
Nice to know others feel the same. Thanks.
You are not a bad mother Susie. It’s like they tell you during the safety demonstration at the beginning of a flight: Please put on your own mask before attempting to assist others.
LOL Eva-love that analogy.
Here, here! If you can’t replenish, then you can’t give! I love Deborah’s comment. Great post, Susie!
Jen 🙂
Thanks so much Jen! 🙂
I think you made the right decision – and you were there for him afterwards. If he had been four the situation would have been different, but how great and how rare to be able to take care of your own needs too.