Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it: Feminist. There, I said it. We can all absorb and try to move on.
I joke, but, like all jokes, there is a kernel of truth within. I think in the case of feminism, there is more than a kernel of truth to the fact that, for many, the word feminist has a negative connotation. It brings to mind gangs of hairy arm-pitted, bra-less, angry, man-hating women.
Stereotypes, as we all know, are both harmful and irresistible. We love to sort people into categories to differentiate them from ourselves. To be sure, there have been angry feminists, just as there have been angry vegetarians and, I imagine, angry croquet players. Anger is an emotion that cannot be attributed to one particular group; although I do find it interesting that it is most often attributed to groups that are systemically discriminated against. As if anger is not a rational response to injustice.
I want to raise a feminist, and I’m wondering the best way to go about it. The best definition I’ve ever come across for feminism was written by Bell Hooks in her book Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center. In it, she writes, “Feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression.” Feminism is not about man-hating, or even man-disliking. It’s not about women becoming more powerful than men. It is about doing away with the systems that oppress and harm us all, men and women alike. To assume that men only benefit from sexism with no negative consequences is a mistake. They are harmed by it just as much as women are, which is why I want to raise my son to be a feminist. If we raised all of our children, sons and daughters, to be aware of and opposed to sexism, sexist exploitation and oppression in all of its forms, perhaps we could finally break down the systems that foster them.
Here in South Korea, as in my home country of the U.S., sexism is rampant. Working women in South Korea earn about 63% of what men in the same positions do. What is especially troubling about this is that South Korean women are just as well-educated, if not more so, than most men in the workplace. The difference in salary is based solely on gender. South Korean women are pressured to leave the workplace once they have a child, which has resulted in South Korea having one of the largest populations of well-educated and underemployed women. There are many firms in Korea who have no women in any executive positions.
Outside the workplace, women fare no better. The Confucian principles that guide all aspects of society here dictate that women be submissive to men in every way. Social harmony, not equality, is the ultimate goal of Confucianism. and it is deeply entrenched. To look around, I would say things are changing very slowly.
Of course, the U.S. is no better. In fact, I would say that the sexism that exists in the States is more insidious. On the surface, we appear to be a society that values equality and fairness, but women are still earning less than men, while their reproductive rights are bandied about by politicians seeking to get into office. Don’t even get me started on the reinforcement of stereotypical gender roles in almost all American entertainment.
What’s a feminist mother to do? I look at my sweet darling boy, innocent as can be. All children are feminists by nature, having no interest in oppression of any sort. And yet, at some point, we all learn the way things work. We all learn what it means to be a man or to be a woman by the gendered society in which we live. That’s not what I want for my son. I do not want him to grow up thinking that any role that doesn’t suit him needs to be fulfilled. I don’t want him to think that being a man means being “masculine” all the time, or that doing things others would describe as “feminine” diminishes him in some way. The fact is that there are more differences among men and women than there are between them, and all behaviors do not need to be categorized into masculine or feminine. They are all just human behaviors.
I know the best way to teach him anything is by example. My spouse and I do our best to model fairness, equality, respect, and freedom of expression in our marriage and in our lives. Will this be enough?
What about your family? Do you identify as a feminist? Are you trying to raise feminist children? How do your culture’s traditional gender roles differ from your own expectations? Have your children conformed to societal expectations that are in contrast to the expectations in your home?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from mommy-of-one and yogi, Ms. V, in Korea.
Photo courtesy of the author.
Ms. V. (South Korea)
Ms. V returned from a 3-year stint in Seoul, South Korea and is now living in the US in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her partner, their two kids, three ferocious felines, and a dog named Avon Barksdale. She grew up all over the US, mostly along the east coast, but lived in New York City longer than anywhere else, so considers NYC “home.” Her love of travel has taken her all over the world and to all but four of the 50 states. Ms. V is contemplative and sacred activist, exploring the intersection of yoga, new monasticism, feminism and social change. She is the co-director and co-founder of Samdhana-Karana Yoga: A Healing Arts Center, a non-profit yoga studio and the spiritual director for Hab Community. While not marveling at her beautiful children, she enjoys reading, cooking, and has dreams of one day sleeping again.
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Excellent post. I am raising two boys and often reflect on the differences between them and their male and female peers. I appreciate the reminder that “all behaviors do not need to be categorized into masculine or feminine. They are all just human behaviors.” I think we as a society feel pressured to label things (and children!) as “girly”, “tomboy”, etc. and it does nothing to support their young humanity.
Thank you! I find myself doing the same thing … and he’s only 1! So, I wrote what I wrote to remind myself too. 🙂
Thank you! I need the reminder too. Society is set up for labels so we all do it. Hopefully, things are changing.
I try to make it clear to my daughters that they can do anything they want in life. My older daughter plays with a lot of “stereotypical” boys’ toys that have to do with dinosaurs. She wears dino pajamas to pajama day at school and the kids tell her that they are boys’ pajamas (they were bought from the boys’ section and she picked them out). She tells her friends that girls can like dinosaurs, too, so why can’t she wear them? She wears boys dinosaur boots, and she tells me that the girls don’t like them at all, but she does, so she’s going to wear them again the next day. Her favorite color is pink, and she also plays with “girls'” toys. I want her to discover what it is that she likes, not just what society has determined that a little girl should like. I think at 5 years old that’s a good start, but I admit, I know this firm, strong behavior towards dinos can change as she gets older. I don’t have all the secrets!
As I’m reading the book, “Half the Sky”, I am realizing that there’s a bigger inequity out in the world than I ever imagined. This gets me fired up!
To me it is all about options and having the opportunities to live the life you want, no matter what your sex and getting paid equally.
Jen 🙂
I want dinosaur boots! 🙂
Sadly, I have to admit to be secretly glad to be raising girls … the pressure on boys today of being the best, the strongest, the breadwinners … yes, its sexist to think this way … and I do believe girls can do anything they set their minds to – but I am glad not be raising young men with all that is expected of them. And here I thought I was a little of a feminist … ack.
I understand the sentiment.
I’m raising two boys and have decided that my most important act as a feminist will be to raise them into men who see women as their counterparts who offer as much value to the world as they themselves do. The world, however, seems intent on sending a very different message. The things happening in the US right now around women’s rights and women’s bodies appall me – the abaya-clad women here in the UAE seem separated from the women in the US only by questions of degree, not kind. Rather a grim point, I think. From the dawn of the suffrage era, women who agitate for equality have been caricatured as angry man-haters; it’s funny (not really) how little things have changed in that regard. Early 20th century US feminists decided to take the gender roles and use them: they would say things like, okay, if the woman’s place is in the home, then what about the NATIONAL home; if you want us to clean house, let us clean the house of politics, etc etc etc. What irks me about the feminist debate today is that so much of it has become about individual decisions being “good” or “bad,” instead of all of us turning our attentions to the *systems* that need to be changed, challenged, and perhaps tossed out all together. Think what would happen if we all banded together and demanded systemic change? Yowsa.
Well said! I so agree we have to turn our attention to the systems in place. And, yes, imagine how powerful we could all be together!
To me, feminism is less about fighting for the right to be equal to be men, and more about convincing men how awesome it is to be a woman. When we can do that, we can have true equality. My son comes home from daycare wearing a princess dress a lot. I think that’s a step in the right direction.
That is so great!