Aside from the obvious: food, clothing and shelter, kids really require just one thing from their parents—and a ton of it—low quality time. — Dr. Robert Evans, psychiatrist and human relations specialist
the author with her daughter and in-laws seven years ago
Seven years ago, while I was still in the hospital recovering from the birth of our first child, my husband’s family came and spent an entire day with us. It was torture! Not because I dislike my in-laws, nor because I wanted to be alone, just my husband, infant and me as a new family, but because I felt like I needed to entertain them.
My husband and I had only been married for two years at the time and I was still getting to know his parents and younger sister. And—despite having endeavored 36 hours of labor and a whole night as a breastfeeding-first-time-mom “rooming-in” with my infant—I remember feeling more anxious about filling the space and time with his parents than I did about how to care for our newborn child.
It was entirely a self-afflicted torment because no one else in the room expected anything from me. They were all there just to BE with me, with US, and this was a completely foreign concept to me.
I have always been an incredibly active person. I was raised by a father, who (as we joke in my family) is more a “human doing” than a human being. Spending quality time with him as a kid always involved wonderful adventures or doing something exciting. Sitting still is not one of my paternal, genetic traits.
I think my mother is a magnificent “sit-stiller,” perfectly content to relax with a book for hours-on-end rather than engage in either activity or conversation. But I didn’t grow up with my mom, I grew up with my dad and my concept of filling time and making things entertaining is his legacy. To this day, my dad, now in his mid-70s, still needs to know “what’s on the agenda” when he comes for a visit.
On a recent Saturday, my husband and I attended a parenting seminar called Parent U. The seminar offered a bevy of workshops on a wide-range of topics from raising resilient kids to teaching kids smart social media practices. But the message that hit home for me was the quote at the beginning of this post. It came 15 minutes into the keynote address. It came as an unwelcome message: the one thing kids desire, even require, above all else is unscheduled, unexciting, low-key time. This is not my forté.
You want to know every kid-centric destination in a 40 mile radius? I’m your gal! You want to know the best, most interesting playgrounds in Greater-Boston, the ones with huge slides built into the hill or a new zipline? Call me up. You want a mom-panion to join you and your kids on a quirky adventure to a train museum two states over? Me again. No wonder I find child-rearing exhausting!
When my kids aren’t in school, I always have big plans. They don’t include loading them up with tons of extra-curricular activities, instead, we go somewhere, do something, ANYTHING. I get antsy with idle time. To me, time is something to fill.
My husband, on the other-hand, for as thrifty as he is, is a great spender of time. On any given weekend, he would far rather hang around our house, build train tracks on our living room rug, rough house with our kids, lounge in pajamas…NAP! It sometimes drives me bananas but our kids couldn’t be happier.
So, when Dr. Evans shared his great parenting secret with us at Parent U, it really gave me pause: what if my kids aren’t the ones who are so exhausting…what if it’s ME?! What if my concept of real, quality time has been wrong all along. What if the “Q” word in QT isn’t quality but quantity?!
I’ve known my in-laws for twelve years now. What I used to perceive as awkward silence or wasted time when we are together, I now recognize as true quality time; quality not just because my in-laws are so present in the time but because there is so much of it. It’s quantity time. And really, isn’t that what every kid craves?
How do you spend time with your loved ones? Are you a quality or quantity time spender?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from Senior Editor and over-programmed mom of two, Kyla P’an. You also can find Kyla writing (though somewhat less frequently these days) at Growing Muses.
The picture used in this post is attributed to the author’s husband.
Kyla P'an (Portugal)
Kyla was born in suburban Philadelphia but spent most of her time growing up in New England. She took her first big, solo-trip at age 14, when she traveled to visit a friend on a small Greek island. Since then, travels have included: three months on the European rails, three years studying and working in Japan, and nine months taking the slow route back from Japan to the US when she was done. In addition to her work as Managing Editor of World Moms Network, Kyla is a freelance writer, copy editor, recovering triathlete and occasional blogger. Until recently, she and her husband resided outside of Boston, Massachusetts, where they were raising two spunky kids, two frisky cats, a snail, a fish and a snake. They now live outside of Lisbon, Portugal with two spunky teens and three frisky cats. You can read more about Kyla’s outlook on the world and parenting on her personal blogs, Growing Muses And Muses Where We Go
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Thanks for making me reflect on this Kyla. My oldest definitely loves adventures and being on the go (like you) while my youngest loves to hang out home, build train tracks on the living room rug, tend to her babies with her doctor’s kit, and take a mid-day nap (like your husband). Sometimes it’s hard to cater to both, but now that I think about it, we tend to spend Saturdays with more of that slow pace time and Sundays going out for an adventure. In the end, after everyone having a different schedule during the week, I feel that all of our family time on the weekends ends up being quality time.
Aren’t temperaments wonderful and challenging?! My two are like that too. I often wonder if it’s nurture or nature that has rendered them so. I’m glad you qualify the time spent with them as quantity time and cater to both personality types. That’s balance!
I must admit to being the “sit-stiller” in my family. 🙂
My daughter is super active and finds it very difficult to just stay home if she doesn’t have some kind of “project” to keep her busy. My son, on the other hand, is perfectly happy as long as he has an Internet connection! (My son is 20 and my daughter is 17 years old).
I believe that both “being” and “doing” needs to be balanced, because too much of either isn’t healthy (in my opinion).
That said, I’m more than happy spending an entire weekend curled up with a good book and a cup of coffee!! 😛
and you have such healthy, wonderful relationships with both kids, especially your daughter. That’s GREAT! My mom and I (she the sit-stiller, I the human doing) can make one another uncomfortable but I think that’s also a consequence of not growing up together for a number of years. Thanks for commenting!
I must say I am a “sit-stiller” when I have a sewing machine or a crochet project in front of me while my kids play around.
I do want to teach my kids that they don’t have to be entertained all the time, they need to learn how to get creative if there is nobody around to play with them or to organize time for them.
I’m just like you – need to be doing and scheduling and filling time with activities, so this was a really important reflection for me to read. And you’re right – my favorite memories are of conversations over dinner or card games before bed – not zipline-ing. Thank you for this terrific post!
I remember feeling I had to entertain the visitors too, when I was a new Mum. It took me a long time to get over that!
Cooking together, folding laundry, even just rolling pennies — quality low time! I’m a big fan of both, Kyla. I can pack up the kids and drive them an hour to our state aquarium or spend a day just doing things around the house and either having them join in, or play on their own. I think kids need unscheduled boredom. But, I’m also there to say, “Hey, want to get out the craft box?”
I think the thing that I’ve learned most to deal with is over scheduling activities. There are often times that I want them to do everything they want to do, but we need to scale back, so there is down time. They are young, they have plenty of time to try everything, I’ve had to tell myself. It sounds like you have that part down pat. It took me a while to get there!
Great post, Kyla!
Jen 🙂
A very useful post. I am the sit-stiller-doer, not the human doing nor the sit stiller. I am the sit-stiller, book-reader, sit-stiller craft doer. I am the person who sits day long and can do anything sitting at the same place. If you ask me to take the kids to the local museum. Sorry, contact the hubby!
Well, a balance is needed. The kids need both. I am slowly learnign that, having a boy who is 7 years old, who needs to go out and play with his friends, who needs to be taken to places too, well, I am getting there, I am getting there… I am changing too! Thank you for this post!
I flip flop on needing to be active (I also am on the go with my kids constantly) to taking it easy with them at home (usually because I tucker out). What I’m working on now is bringing my kids more into the running of the household….helping me more with chores and projects at home. We still have tons of playtime, but I think we can have a new kind of team vibe going if we partner up on getting things done.