I created this graphic for my blog. I thought it appropriate for this post, as I hope you’ll realize.
I have always played this parenting thing “by ear.” While I do read books, websites, and blogs about parenting, there’s just never anything out there that tackles my situation in a specific way. Of course, that’s to be expected! We all have different families; we all have different sets of issues to deal with in our families.
I recently had to deal with a “blow” to our family, in the form of sickness. It’s the end of the summer season here in Manila, and immediately after is a rainy, monsoon season. At this time of the year, flu and colds are rampant. Within two weeks (going three), each of us in the family were struck one-by-one with sickness, starting with my son, Vito.
Having a sick child when you’re a one-woman show running a business from home means that things are positioned to get crazy in a matter of hours. For me, it meant juggling work, child care, and household duties. For the entire duration of my son’s illness, I was operating in “super mom” mode. I had to make sure I was giving him sponge baths, keeping him hydrated, making sure he ate. I also had to make sure I wasn’t neglecting my business, for the simple fact that it did bring food to the table.
I was feeling worn out already three days into my son’s malaise. It seemed too much to be able to balance work, our home, and caring for my little boy, all at the same time. And yet, I forced myself to suck it up and find some source of energy that could propel through those difficult days. In Tagalog, we have a saying that says, “Sige na,” (which loosely translated means “just go with it”), and I was telling myself that: “Sige na, Martine (Just go with it).” I felt like I didn’t have a choice.
That is, until I got sick. And I should say hellishly sick, at that. My son was down with a mere cold and fever, but the universe decided to strike me with a triple whammy: cough, cold, and asthma. Within 24 hours of my temperature going up to 38.5, I was a total mess. I had run myself ragged.
When to say “stop”
As I write this, it’s Tuesday of the week after I was bogged down by this onslaught of sickness. I’m still dealing with traces of asthma, thanks to this hacking cough. I was thinking of whether or not to write this post at all: Shouldn’t I be resting? Shouldn’t I wallow in the guilt-free misery of a soft bed and smelling salts?
Maybe for a couple of days. I actually slept for the first two days, rising only to feel slightly human again and to somehow connect with the world, even if only by social media. For the most part (when I wasn’t sleeping of course), I reflected on my “just go with it” attitude and decided: Enough is enough.
When my child gets sick, I do have the right to stop. I run my business, don’t I? A few emails here and there can easily alleviate any pressure on my end to deliver on projects and consultations. Isn’t this why I signed up for the life of the solopreneur, work at home mom, anyway?
Sickness aside, when my child needs me in any way (whether to play or just be with him), I have the right to stop and be a mother. It’s my privilege; it’s the life I want to live.
I realized that I didn’t have to beat myself up over the matter. I also needed to stop feeling like every part of my life outside that of being a mom was an obligation. I’m a mom first, a homemaker next, and work… well, I could just as well put it on “pause” if I want to. I just need to give myself the option!
Have we ever thought about the obligations we set for ourselves as moms, especially those who work, whether at home or outside the home? What have been your reflections on being “too busy” to be mom.
This is an original post by Martine de Luna for World Moms Blog. Martine is a wife, mom, work-at-homemaker, bliss-finder. She blogs over at Dainty Mom, and organizes events for work at home moms over at the WAHMderful Life. Connect with her on Facebook and Instagram, her social media channels of choice.
Photo credit to the author.
Sometimes the Universe makes us sick to FORCE US to stop!
” I have the right to stop and be a mother. It’s my privilege; it’s the life I want to live.” Absolutely right! Trust me, children grow up really fast and you really don’t ever want to be “too busy” to enjoy a bonding moment.
My son is already 20 years old and my daughter is 17. I’ve been a SAHM, a WAHM and I have worked outside the home too. I was fortunate that I managed to create a strong, open and honest relationship with my children when they were small … because now the relationship is STILL strong, open and honest!
Housework can wait and (somehow) the bills get paid, but the time to spend playing with your child … that disappears really quickly!
Simona, that is absolutely true! Sometimes I forget how fast my child grows, and how the images of me that he remembers will remain with him as he grows. I don’t want him to remember me as chained the desk or laptop. I want to make memories with him while he still wants to be with me, LOL!
Martine,
I created some office hours for World Moms Blog, and I have a babysitter come over twice a week for a few hours, so I can catch up, and then give the gives all my attention when I’m with them. So, I have less of an issue of too busy to be a mom, but more of an issue of being too busy to be a wife! The other times I’m working is after the kids go to bed. I’m working on finding that happy balance. My husband works some late nights, too, so we are now trying to coordinate them. We are totally supportive of each other and our determined to get our time together back! 🙂
You are so right. The power is in our hands. Things can wait for tomorrow, and I need to spend more time to stop and smell the flowers!!
Jen 🙂
Jen, I love how you’ve created your office hours. I sort of have them in place, after three years of working this way. However, I don’t know if I’m just running myself ragged on some days when I don’t really need to! I guess I have issues about “shutting off” or “closing shop” on work, you know what I mean? 🙂
Sometimes I do remind myself not to stress too much, nothing else is as critical as my family. As long as all is good there I can add other things, but they come first always , because when it comes down to it, nothing else REALLY matters.
Hi, Elizabeth. I do agree myself! I’ve had to unlearn being too busy, too wound up in the busyness of homekeeping and working at home. It’s hard, being a work-a-holic! But now I know better, and I’ve asked for forgiveness from my family for being too busy.
I also have office hours, but don’t stick to them… I loved your post, Martine! It is very touching, and I agree with Simone, sometimes when we get sick, it’s because we do too much- I have just fallen victim to this myself and have to figure out how to be better at saying “no”…
Hi, Olga. I’m sorry to hear you’re also unwell! I totally feel you. And yes, there’s always a good reason to say “no” even before we get run down! Sending you positive vibes, praying you’ll get well in good time.
Permission to be a mother does seem to have gone by the wayside, doesn’t it? I’m with you on this one!
Dear Karyn: Yes, it has! I’m so glad you understand me! 🙂 I love all you WMBs!!!
I think that we moms need a swift kick in the butt from Mother Nature every once in a while when we overextend ourselves as a reminder to what really matters, because otherwise we would never stop. It’s OK not be be superwoman to everyone and everything ALL of the time and just be ‘mom’. 🙂
I hope you’re feeling better Martine!
I totally agree about the “kick in the pants from Mother Nature”!! Yes, Maman Aya! That’s exactly my sentiment. 🙂 And yes, feeling a bit better now…
I may not be a working mom but being a stay at home mom with no helpers at all, I really have to listen to my body especially if I am to tired already from all the household chores and looking after the kids. So if I feel I will be sick, I have to really take a good rest or else I will really feel sorry for my kids. Most of the days my thoughts is I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS, but after I get sick and all, i usually tell myself, to take it once day at a time… Nice to know you’re feeling better already…