Today we’re sharing a post from a World Mom living in Laos! If you’re interested in telling your motherhood story on World Moms Blog, email us at contribute2@worldmomsblog.com!
This first “World Mom Feature” is by Miss Pip of Laos…
“Equal to None”
A concerned citizen, upon realizing we had three daughters, recently offered to take my partner ‘upcountry’ to the village to meet the local witch doctor. Apparently, this particular Shaman was able to supply an herbal concoction that would guarantee us a son.
(For the record, we are not having any more children. We are very happy with the ones we already have.)
I am fascinated by how often people feel compelled to tell me that my family is incomplete because I don’t have a son. They remind me that, despite over 100 year of feminism, my three children and I are still considered “LESS THAN” because we were born without a Y-chromosome.
Becoming a mother has enriched my life. I love my daughters, unconditionally. I treasure the opportunity to guide them towards adulthood. Nonetheless, becoming a mother has been a struggle. I have had to fight some very personal demons and have been rather lost and confused along the way. Fundamentally, I have had to redefine myself within the context of being a “Woman”.
Until I had children, I naively defined myself as a “Human” first and a “Woman” second. I studied Feminist Theory at University, but I kind of blew off any notion that MY life was influenced by the patriarchy. I was a kick-ass individual, and I lived my life on equal terms with anyone else.
But becoming a mother made me realize that, in reality, I still live in a world defined by and dominated by men, and my life decisions have been profoundly influenced by that.
My partner and I have been together for 15 years. We got our first jobs together, moved in together, paid the rent together, traveled together – as equals. I was hell-bent on our roles in the relationship being defined equally even though that meant that sometimes, after we have paid our ‘equal’ share of the bills, he still had money to go out, and I didn’t. (Interestingly, even at minimum wage he was paid more than I was!) We shared the chores equally. I NEVER ironed his clothes. I was a proud, fierce and independent woman with my own life and my own career.
But over time things started to change. My business ventures, which had sustained us adequately in early adulthood, became less profitable than his career. He was offered the opportunity to move, first interstate and then overseas. I couldn’t justify preventing his progress just because I was wanted to pursue what was, quite possibly, a pipe dream. Also, I loved him. I was proud of his success. I choose to support him, to follow him. It was my choice.
I could still work, I told myself. I was strong and resilient and very capable. But we moved a lot and, eventually, we reached the point where my income could no longer be relied upon. I was, I realized, financially dependant on my partner.
Becoming a Mother
Then, somewhere along the way, we decided to have children. We talked about it, at length. Having children did not mean ME taking on the only responsibility for caring for the kids and the household. I wanted to work. We would share the responsibilities. Equal opportunity parenting. Yep, sure, sounds like a plan, I am on board, let’s do this.
… Needless to say, that is not quite how things worked out.
My partner now works longer hours and spends more time away then he ever did before we had children. He sometimes feels overwhelmed by what he perceives to be his duty to support and provide for his family.
I now earn less money and spend more time in my house than I ever did before children. I regularly feel overwhelmed by my assumed role as the primary carer, wet-nurse, cook, cleaner, manager, taxi driver, nurse, psychologist, nutritionist, disciplinarian in our family.
My family IS the Perfect Little Patriarchy!
But wait… no it’s not perfect… I forgot… I don’t have a son!
I have three complicated, passionate, articulate, intelligent, determined, manipulative, magnificent GIRLS.
Raising Daughters
One day, my little girls are going to grow up to be WOMEN, how unfair for them and how wonderful for them. They are going to grow up to be HUMANS, what an opportunity for them.
I am their mother and, for me, it’s complicated.
• Shouldn’t I be an example to them, a strong, female role mode
• Have my choices perpetuated the status quo?
• Will they grow up with notions of ‘what women do’ that will go on to influence them as they grow into women themselves?
I am their mother and, for me, it is simple.
• I will practice compassion, identify inequality and I will teach them to do the same. I will continue to grow as a woman and a human because I owe it to them to be the best person I can be.
• I will be proud of my choices – they have given my daughters, a loving and safe home.
• I will encourage my girls to embrace their womanhood. I will teach them that with hard work and dedication they can achieve anything they set their minds to. I will show them they can be the change.
I am their mother. They are my daughters. They are ‘MORE THAN’ anything.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Miss Pip. She lives in Vientiane, Laos with her partner, their three incorrigible daughters (aged 5.5 years, 4.5 years and 16 months) and two well-traveled cats. She says that she used to be fabulous! (We say, she still is!)
Last year Miss Pip turned forty. She says, “That sucked! I had no idea who I was or what made me happy. I was ashamed of who I had become and conflicted about being a mum. It was all very boring, very depressing and was making me, and the people who loved me, miserable.”
So she decided to change. Miss Pip decided to let go of the past, accept her present and embrace a future where SHE IS the fabulous version of herself that she knows she can be. You can also find her on her blog, 44 and a Fourth.
Photo credits to Miss Pip.
Miss Pip,
I love your post and love the way you have stated that you are the most fabulous version of yourself.
Sadly the Y chromosone is still very popular in many parts of the world, including India (where I live). But the situation sure will improve, I have faith 🙂
Lets blog about it, talk about it, and make some noise!!
Thanks for reading and commenting Purnima. I am not quite fabulous yet but I am working on it everyday! That is the fun part!
What a beautiful post. I think that teaching our daughters that they have a choice and encouraging them to find their own happiness is one of the best gifts we can give them. I wish more women were truly happy with their roles (whether they stay-at-home or have a career or become moms or become wives) because isn’t happiness what we want for our kids (regardless of their gender) and isn’t modeling that the best way to show them that it is achievable?
Jody. I couldn’t agree with you more. Thank you so much for reading and for commenting.
I have 2 girls, and I definitely feel complete. Girls are just as important as boys!
Love this post, Miss Pip. Thank you for submitting it to World Moms Blog from Laos!
Jen 🙂
Thanks Jen. Girls are great! I am so proud of and humbled by my daughters. They have taught me so much about being a human and a woman.
Just for the record, I think boys are great too!
Great post!
I believe the choice to be a Mum is a strong feminine choice as much as any other option. Our nurturing and education is THE powerful force that carries our kids through life.
For me, as a mother to three sons, it is a priority for me that I am the one to educate my boys about the things they might not learn at school…
Karyn. I agree. We have such a responsibility and such an opportunity as mothers and nurturers – whether we are raising boys or girls.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Terrific post Pip! You raise an important and disturbing cultural view of having daughters, one that has some terrible implications for their plight around the world where they are not valued as much as sons. We need to do more to raise the consciousness against this damaging bias. There are broader efforts around the world working to empower women around the world (see links below), but where we can start is with our own daughters AND sons.
Your daughters could not have a better role model than the amazing and fabulous woman that you are!
See:
http://www.unwomen.org/about-us/about-un-women/
http://www.undp.org/content/undp/en/home/ourwork/womenempowerment/overview.html
Great post! This is such a complex layered issue and I love the way you laid it out. It is funny because I was brought up by a career woman who had her PhD and didn’t get married or have kids till her early forties, and this was back in the sixties when that was barely heard of. She always worked and brought me up believing I could be anything I wanted to be. I believed that to be true, and what I really wanted to be was a stay at home mom like my neighbor whose kids I thought had it made. I wonder what my daughters will choose, I would not be surprised if they decided my life of cooking and laundry and driving them around doesn’t look so fun, and that they want to be working mothers. As for my sons, I hope they grow up to respect their wives choices and support them. It will be interesting to see!
Great post!