I suppose it is inevitable. After all, people are what they are, they can’t change themselves. And although curiosity was apparently the mastermind behind the murder of someone’s cat, there are many curious people out there.
And curious people ask questions.
Sometimes stupid questions, sometimes profound questions, sometime questions which aren’t really questions but more a judgement on one of your actions and/or beliefs.
And sometimes people ask questions on matters which are none of their damn business.
One of those questions is the oft asked : “When are you having another?” or – since I have two girls: “When are you going to have a boy?”.
The answer usually runs along the lines of : “Oh not just yet! I have enough on my plate with just these two!” or “A boy? With these two… (at which I point at my girls doing whatever they are doing) the poor thing would just get traumatized.”
But I rarely tell the truth: No, never. No we are not trying for another baby. No we are not planning to “gift” our girls with a baby brother.
Perhaps it is due to the fact that I had my two girls in such a short space of time (When n°2 was born n°1 was a mere 16 months old) but I am most definitely done having children.
There are many reasons, finances being but one of them. No, we are not in financial trouble, but face it: raising a child is wickedly expensive. For the past three years we’ve spent a small fortune on day care and let’s not even talk about the price of diapers shall we… Had I been better informed I might seriously have considered buying stock options in Pampers or Huggies. With both kids in school we get a bit of financial breathing space, we can afford to finish our home.
But the main reason is balance.
When you are a mother, whether you have a job or are a stay at home mom, life is nothing less than a big balancing act on a loose rope above a pit filled with hungry tigers and fire.
Our balance is OK, right now. We are not in immediate danger of falling off the rope. Both kids attend school full-time, they are too young to have ‘real’ hobbies yet so no rush, rush, rush on Saturday morning – as yet (Please note: I do not count running after each other screaming bloody murder as a hobby).
Because of their relative closeness in age their feeding schedules (if I may be so blunt) are relatively in sync, meaning I don’t have to provide three or four individual breakfasts, lunches and dinners anymore each day. Lately they’ve started playing proper games together, in which each is an equal player and which do not require constant parental interference, just distant supervision.
We can start going on proper outings without dragging half the nursery and a whole plethora of baby food along, just a change of clothes, some cookies and a water bottle will get us through.
So in short: after four years of clutching desperately at that rope we’ve arrived at a spot where we can breathe freely, where we can relax for just a second, where there is time to be “us” and “just me” again.
The realization that we were as we should be came when we gave away the double stroller without an inch of pain or regret. Just happiness that there would finally be some more room in the garage.
Our family has found its balance and it feels wonderful.
When did you realize your family was as it should be?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer in Belgium and mother of just two…Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes
Born in Belgium on the fourth of July in a time before the invention of the smart phone Tinne is a working mother of two adorably mischievous little girls, the wife of her high school sweetheart and the owner of a black cat called Atilla. Since she likes to cook her blog is mainly devoted to food and because she is Belgian she has an absurd sense of humour and is frequently snarky. When she is not devoting all her attention to the internet, she likes to read, write and eat chocolate. Her greatest nemesis is laundry.
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I was blessed with a son and a daughter. Strangely enough, the assumption was that since I had “one of each”, I shouldn’t desire a third! I only gave up on the dream of having a second daughter when I turned 40. Now that my children are respectively 20 and 17 years old, I’m glad I did not have a third which would have been so much younger!
People have strange assumptions indeed!
We decided when my second pregnancy was so much more difficult that the first…. although, as you say, it is expensive having children and even though the children are asking for a new baby (and as much as i love, love, love newborns) I think I need to think about myself and work on getting back into shape and be a healthier, happier mommy. Besides, we couldn’t think about it in our current living situation…. a two bedroom apartment that we have already outgrown. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear you had a difficult pregnancy.
Taking time for yourself is important, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise!
I still wrestle a little with the thought of having another, and get a little wistful, and then my husband yells, “Snap out of it, dorkface!”
A bit brusk perhaps.. but effective 🙂
Well, our original “plan” (if you can even say there is such a thing) was to have two children, spaced about two years apart. Oh, yes, and by the way we had filed an order for two boys.
God had other plans for us.
My pregnancy was mildly difficult, but not overly so. However, my delivery was horrendous. More than one OB said having another would be extremely unwise and potentially fatal. We’re lucky all parties involved went home from the first birth experience; tempting fate with another pregnancy and delivery would just be senseless. We briefly considered adopting a second child, but it became clear to us very quickly that our little family of three is perfect just the way it is.
So we have one little girl, not two boys. But neither my Hub nor I can imagine life any other way. My Mother always says “God knows what he’s doing…” From the number in our family, to the gender of our child, to the fact that we have a child with ADHD and we both have and live with it as well all adds up to precisely the way it was meant to be.
So when did we know it? I think on some level we knew right away. But every day, every experience that goes by, we look at one another over her little ponytailed head and nod…this is precisely right. I guess we knew for sure when we didn’t do things like long for another, wonder if we were making a wrong choice by not adopting, etc.
Some things are just right.
You are spot on – as usual – sometimes it just right! And it feels wonderfull when that happens!
My youngest just started play school, 1/2 days from Monday to Friday. It’s the first time I’ll have 4 hours to myself in nearly 4 years.
Yup, we are just right with two kids. 🙂
What, play school already!! Impossible, where did time go!
Enjoy the ‘free’ time, even if it is only 4 hours.
The question I get is “did you tie your tubes” (because I have 3 kids) usually followed by a terrified “ohhhh” when I say no! 🙂 I have a 9 yr old, a 2 1/2 yr old and a 6 month old baby, so I often look forward to the balance you mention, but sometimes I do ask myself if I still want another!
I hope you find the balance! And I must admit that I sometimes catch myself wondering.. oh well..
I know this might sound like I am mincing words, but you might want to consider changing the never to, we have no plans for another child. 🙂
The reason I bring it up is not because I don’t respect your choice to have two children, it’s just cause I have been traumatized in the past by a statement like that.
I have a very good friend who had four beautiful daughters within 6 years. She was done, not having anymore… Then her ten year old daughter passed away, going from perfect health to gone in two months. She had another daughter a year or so later.
Our views change, our plans change and we never know why or when. It may very well be that your plan will stay the way it is or you might for whatever reason decide to change it. Life evolves, we evolve and change and nothing really is ever written in stone.
Hope you aren’t offended by this comment. It was written with lots of respect and love. 🙂
Rest assured, I am not offended :).
There is even a lot of truth in what you say and I thank you for your advice, I think I’ll take it.
Thank you.
Thank you for taking it the way I meant it.
Glad you took my words as intended. 🙂
Susie, after I read your comment I thought about the story of a friend of mine… She was the third child of her parents, and once she found a letter where her parents wrote to an aunt saying how happy they were with their “two angels” and how they by no way wanted any more children! Even though she was already grown when she read that, she was quite affected by it and sad. I always think about that when I write down my feelings on more kids (or not) 🙂
It’s quite funny to read about this kind of noisiness of Belgians, just a few weeks after my guest post on getting unwanted advice, in, yes, Belgium. I’m wondering whether this is a ‘cultural’ thing…