Ever feel like you’re walking on cultural egg shells?
Sometimes it can get confusing, trying to navigate waters made murky where cultures collide. Whatever choice you make will seem wrong to someone. Whatever you say will offend someone. No matter how lightly you step, you risk making someone feel walked over.
And that is the situation I find myself in again, as the air turns cooler (finally!) and Japanese schoolchildren begin to practice en masse for their sports festivals.
My brother is getting married, half a world away, at the exact same time my daughter is supposed to perform in her final sports festival at kindergarten.
If you are in North America, or Europe, or very likely anywhere except Japan, your response is probably, “So what?” But if you are a mother of a Japanese child, I’ll give you a moment to remove the hand you’ve placed over your mouth in horror. Breathe in. Breathe out. Let’s continue.
It doesn’t matter much which I choose for us to attend. Half of my children’s relatives will be angry about our choice. How can you miss your sibling’s wedding? How can you deny your aging in-laws their last chance to see a preschool sports festival, where the last-year students are the stars of the show?
“How could you do that to your child? She will miss out.”
Says everyone from every side.
Sometimes being part of a bi-racial, bi-cultural, bilingual family means making the hard calls. What is important in one culture is not in another. What is optional in one culture is imperative in another.
I find myself, again and again and again, struggling to find a balance between traditions and beliefs. I fall off the high-wire more than I care to admit.
But on those occasions when you can do that perfect, tip-toed, pirouette, it is beautiful. It is breathtaking. It is worth it.
This time, though?
I better bring a helmet because I’m bound to fall flat on my face, whatever I choose.
Have you faced difficult decisions because of cultural or religious differences within your family? How do you find a balance between them?
This is an original post by World Moms Blog contributor, Melanie Oda in Japan, of Hamakko Mommy.
Photo credit to FeeBeeDee. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
The answer to your question is “no” – because I couldn’t have found someone with a closer background if I’d tried! My husband and I were both born in Italy and grew up in South Africa (our respective parents emigrated here when we were children). Both of us were raised Catholic but we both chose a more Spiritual and less “Organized Religion” path for ourselves as adults. We both speak English, Italian and Afrikaans. Even so, we have felt the pressure from relatives (for example) to force our children to get Confirmed in the Catholic faith (which we didn’t do). I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you!! The only advice I can give you is to speak to your husband and (ONLY between the 2 of you) negotiate what will be best for YOUR family (irrespective of what anyone else may think of your choice). No matter how hard you try it is IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone – so make sure you please the most important people – you and your husband!! Good luck!
Love this post, Melanie! I often feel just like you do and I understand that with a culture like the Japanese it’s even more difficult, becasue it’s so easy to offend someone while in the Netherlands it isn’t. I think I would just go with that decision that feels best to myself- and consider your family situation: will your daughter be more offended if she misses the game or will your brother be? Which are your personal preferences? Which family do you feel closer to? I would just go with the decision that is important to me- but of course this doesn’t work with all situations. Good luck! ANd looking forward to reading your decision if you care to hare it!
Or you can split the difference. You can go to the wedding earlier and your husband and daughter can come later after the sports festival.
How are weddings regarded in Japan. Would someone there entertain missing a siblings wedding or would that be offensive to the family. If it would be, then you have your “explanation” for why you go to the wedding.
I like Susie’s perspective!! You must tell us how it all turns out, Melanie!!
Jen 🙂