Left: The author, Olga Mecking, when she was growing up in Germany. Right: Olga’s daughter today in the Netherlands.
Sometimes, I find myself rediscovering simple truths about life in general and parenting in particular. My latest epiphany is this: “My child is not me.”
On the contrary to all the books and articles out there that tell us that we will grow into our parents, I don’t think this is the case. I think that while our parents influence our lives, we’re still separate individuals with our own thoughts, ideas and opinions.
And never has this simple truth rung more true to me than it has when my eldest daughter started school. I’ve been very worried about sending her to school at the tender age of four. I thought back to my old school days and worried and worried. And worried some more because my experiences weren’t all that great.
But this is when I realized: my child is not me! Pretty much everything about her will be different.
I was born and raised in communist Poland and went to school shortly before Communism fell. As much as I love my country, going to school in these times wasn’t so great.
We had to learn everything by heart. Language teachers weren’t too good. Classes were huge and the teachers were strict, even to the point of giving bad grades for pretty much anything. Nobody knew anything about bilingualism, and I was even lucky to have German classes offered at my school, as bad as they were.
But my child is not me.
She goes to school in a modern, Western country and has been speaking 3 languages from birth. Her teacher is amazing and lets the children play a lot. They go outside for recess and learn letters and numbers, and they even went on a school trip. In my daughter’s school, it is normal to speak two or more languages.
As a child, I was shy and timid. My idea of a good day was, and still is, to stay at home and read a book. School proved to be too much for me at times: too loud, too big. On the other hand, I was often told to sit still, be organized, and listen when all I really wanted to do was run around.
But my child is not me.
She seems to be more of an extrovert than I ever was. She could be outside all the time, playing, jumping, swinging, playing with other children; and, she seems to enjoy school.
I even often receive photos from her teachers. Guess who of all the children in the pictures has the biggest smile? My blond beautiful daughter.
When I went to school, we were taught about computers, but seldom used them for school. We were told that learning is hard work and were given grades for our work, even for our paintings. After school, I totally stopped painting.
But my child is not me.
She thinks learning is fun and can use all the great apps for learning, and she has a great selection of books in all the languages that she’s learning. She loves getting her hands dirty with paint and uses them to paint on a large piece of paper. She paints the funniest creatures and people, and she gives them funny names.
My daughter and I both have straight blond hair. Many people tell me she looks like me. I think I have an idea who she got her willpower and stubbornness from, but my child, she’s not completely me.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Olga Mecking in the Netherlands.
Olga Mecking
Olga is a Polish woman living in the Netherlands with her German husband. She is a multilingual expat mom to three trilingual children (even though, theoretically, only one is trilingual since she's old enough to speak). She loves being an expat, exploring new cultures, learning languages, cooking and raising her children. Occasionally, Olga gives trainings in intercultural communication and works as a translator. Otherwise, you can find her sharing her experiences on her blog, The European Mama. Also take a while to visit her Facebook page .
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Love … and when I wring my hands in frustration for my girls not approaching something the way that I would … I have to remember, they are their own people xxx
Thank you, Nicole!Yes, sometimes we think that they’re our children so they should make the same choices.. yes they are our children but they will not make the same choices, and their surroundings are totally different. I am also trying to allow them to do things their way, but have to consciously tell myself to do it, it doesnt’ come naturally at all!
I am a very dangerous mix of my mother and my father plus there is some things in me that resembles on of my grandmother but at the end I am my own person totally different from all of them.
I do think differently and I have different approach to life. Not only the genetics but the environment we live it shapes us.
Beautiful post, Olga!
Dziękuję, Ewa! Yes, we are all mitures of our parents, and even grandparents. And even genetics is complicated because we never know what behaviour or look will show up in whom! My brother, for example, is totally different- and so is my girl’s sister, and her brother will be yet different. And then there is environment that can work with genetics in strange ways… in the end we are a combination of all of this!
I LOVE that my daughter is not like me! I also had a terrible school experience but it has been a joy to see how it has been different for her.
My children are practically “grown up” (my son will be 21 years old in January and my daughter 18 in May next year) and the thing I’m most proud of is that I did not pass my own fears and hangups to them! 🙂
Hi Simona, thank you for your comment. I also hope that I will not pass my insecurities onto my children- but time will show! You, Simona already see that you did a great job!
What a sweet, fantastic post. I really love this. It is a lesson that all of us expat parents should learn, and learn fast. What amazing experiences we are giving our children!
Thank you, Lynn! Yes, these are great oportunities for our children! Let’s use them!
What a great post Olga!
Both of my children are very different from me (although, like your oldest, my oldest looks a lot like me too). It’s a great thing that they are NOT us – I find that this way they help me see and learn about things in new ways – through THEIR eyes and experiences 🙂
Thank you, Lynn- especially becuase you’re the one who gave me the idea to write this post! I also believe that we’ve come a long way since we were children!
And yes, Eva, exactly! It is amazing to see all the differences and similarities. It is not easy but it is a great thing to learn: how to see the world through a child’s eyes!
Lovely post! It really does make you think about the opportunities our children will have as opposed to the ones we may or may not have had. She really does look like you though! 🙂
Thank you, Deanna, yes I believe they have it better than I did- but that’s the point, right? And yes, everybody says she looks like me!