*I wrote this a while back when I was on the verge of losing my mind because of all the thoughts and doubts in my head. On an emotional level, I was living in a state of survival. I felt uptight and tense all the time and I was barely keeping it together. To the world none of that was apparent. I was functioning, maybe even too well. After a lot of hard work, I am not in that place anymore, which is why I guess I feel it is safe to share this now. Sure I still have my self doubts and difficulties, we all do, but these days I don’t feel like I’m living every day in survival mode.
Our lives are full of people. Unless we live like a hermit shut away from human interaction, we have no choice but to engage in human contact, both physical and verbal, numerous times on a daily basis. There are all kinds of people out there. There are those we like more, there are those we like less. There are people we despise or maybe we just think we do. And, because we are lucky there are also people whom we love.
Since I know there is someone in your life you love, I want you to close your eyes and take a moment to think about them. If you want, it can be someone you just like or admire not necessarily love. Have you pictured them well? Do you have a smile on your face?
Now comes the hard part. Why do you feel that way about them?
That question came out of my desire to understand why someone would love or like me. What is it about me or what I am doing that would cause someone to stop and say, hey I like her. And I don’t know if the answer that came to me is the truth and whether it my way of trying to explain away something that can’t be quantified and explained.
Simply put, I think people like/love/admire us for the things we do for them and for others. They like us because of the way we make them feel about themselves. Why do we love our children from the moment we set eyes on them after they’ve been born? Because just by being born they have done something for us. They have given us a new job, a new purpose, new meaning in our lives.
We all want to feel loved. We all want to have the security and comfort of knowing there is someone we can lean on. I’m saying we can’t be loved if we don’t love. We won’t have someone to lean on unless we are there for others. We all want to feel taken care of yet we won’t have that unless we take care of others.
Sometimes it feels like love is tiring. You have to do all the time. Love is work. And I wonder, if I stop, will I still be loved?
Would you still love me
If I had nothing left to give,
If I had no energy to take care of you
If I had nothing you really needed?
Would you still love me
If I didn’t feed you or clean up,
If I didn’t offer my help
If I didn’t seem to care?
Would you still love me
If my mind wasn’t quite as sharp
If I embarrassed you
With my confusion or bursts of anger?
Would you still love me
If my smile left my face forever
If my words went mute
And the music in my soul faded?
Would you still love me
Because of all I once was,
Even if now there was nothing recognizable
About the person sitting before you?
Would everything I have done until now
Be enough for you to still love me?
Love, the age old question
Pondered while hovering over the the precipice of self doubt.
I’m afraid to stop doing, to stop caring, to change the rules that have been golden up until now. I’m afraid to sway the balance of love and acceptance. I’m afraid if I do that I won’t be loved.
I yearn for unconditional love, to be able to give with truly no strings attached and to know that I am loved without having to do anything at all, just because I am a person who has a heart full of love. Is unconditional love just a fantasy residing in empty words or are we really capable of pure love? I wish I really knew.
What I do know, is that first of all I have to love myself, no strings attached. And when I feel like withdrawing, I need to love more.
Why do you think you love and are loved?
This is an original post by World Moms Blog Africa & Middle East Regional Editor, Susie Newday in Israel. You can also find her on her blog New Day New Lesson.
Photo credit to the author.
Susie Newday (Israel)
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
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Oh Susie, what a deep post! Not all moms love their children after birth, for some it takes weeks or even months- and it happens when the mom learns to care for the child better. So maybe it is also the other way round? There is a lot of talk about fulfilling needs, and maybe with love, we fullfill these needs? I mean, would we love someone if we couldn’t do anything for them? We want to be useful and it is extremely frustrating when we can’t show love to someone? “Love is about the way someone makes us feel” but I think it is only a part of the story. I think there are so many ways to see love: as a choice (” I get up in the morning and decide every day I am going to stay with that person, and act accordingly?), as destiny (“This is the person I was meant to end up with), as a way to do right things: “Love and do whatever you want” and there is much much more. But maybe there is no such thing as unconditional love? Is there even the right way to love someone? So many thoughts.Thank you for writing this.
Susie,
So honest and lovely. I think we all struggle with feeling loved unconditionally. For many of us, this goes back to our families of origin, and we will have this struggle our entire lives. For some, faith is the answer; they believe in an all-loving being who loves them wholly and fully without reservation and for them, that is enough. I believe that all humans are worthy and capable of giving and receiving unconditional love … but it’s not always easy.
I remember when I was about 13 or 14, my stepmother, who I loved dearly, was telling me stories about raising her two older boys. She was laughing about all the trouble they used to get into and she told me what she would tell them: “There is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. I can’t shield you from consequences, but I will always hold your hand and help you through them”.
At the time, this just blew my mind as it was the complete opposite of what existed in my house. I was completely under the impression that my mother’s love was based entirely on my good behavior and could be lost forever with one false move. Of course, that’s how her parents made her feel, so she didn’t know any better.
But, my life as a grown-up, all of my experiences have taught me one thing of which I am sure: You are lovable and worthy of love. We all are. We don’t always get it from the people we want or expect it from but it is there.
Thanks for such a heartfelt post.
“No matter what you have done or not done, you’re worthy of unconditional love” is a phrase I learnt when I did the”Breakthrough Experience” with Dr John Demartini.
I didn’t know unconditional love growing up, but I was determined that my children would grow up safe in the knowledge that their father and I loved them unconditionally. We did that by being honest with them. When they misbehaved we would tell them that what they did was unacceptable, and they had to deal with the consequences, but we also made sure they knew that we didn’t love them any less because of it!
I’ve been living with Fibromyalgia for several years now, the pain prevents me from doing a lot of the chores that I used to do, so it falls on my husband and children to pick up the slack. Not only have they done so, but they show me and tell me how much they love me every day! This is how I know EVERYONE is deserving of unconditional love – but you have to give it first, before you can receive it! <3
What the others said. xx
Also, I really like this from the Ancient Greeks:
6 Types of Love
1. Eros: The madness of falling in-love.
2. Philia: The love of loyalty and sacrifice between friends and family.
3. Agape: Selfless love, extended to all.
4. Ludus: Playful love for flirting, teasing, bantering etc
5. Pragma: The love of patience and compromise seen in longterm relationships.
6. Philautia: Healthy self-love.