I’m the mommy of two boys. I’d love to have a girl, but I’m a bit afraid to give it a try because I’m not sure how to raise a girl. Malagasy women and girls face many challenges, and I’m not sure I’m equipped to teach a girl what to do in order to succeed, or just to survive.
I’m a woman now, but have been a girl too and I know that it’s not easy. I learned this at a very young age while I observed what happened at home. My father (may his soul rest in peace now) had a serious addiction to alcohol, and he used to beat my mother – a lot. My younger brother and I witnessed many fights and abuse. These scenes are printed in my mind forever, though I pretend I’ve forgotten them.
My father drank because he was not happy with his life. He was a skilled musician – he played classical guitar and traverse flute like a god – but he never shined as a recognized virtuoso. He didn’t make much money, and Mom had to work very hard to support our household. I think Dad didn’t like this. He felt emasculated. He felt miserable. Instead of trying to overcome his problems, he drank in order to forget them and took out his anger on my mom.
Violence is such a mystery to me. I was 10 when my parents divorced, and I already knew many things children shouldn’t have to know. My dad died two years after that. He most likely died while drunk. Someone got him to hospital where, because he was unconscious, he couldn’t tell the doctors that he was diabetic. They used inadequate medicines and he died. We only found out the day after. I went to see him at the hospital and when I stared into the empty bed where he was supposed to be, the nurse just told me “The guy who was there died this morning,” without any other comment. Well, okay… Something broke inside of me.
I will not share more details, because I want to spare my mom and my brother. But I will say that the three of us are all survivors of addiction – a silent war millions of people suffer around the world, every day. We all found different ways to overcome it. For me it is hard work and activism, with a particular focus on promoting and defending women’s rights. Adversity shapes our personality in ways we don’t expect. All we have to do is to find enough strength in our hardship in order to rise again.
Now, back to my boys. I would like to find a way to teach them how to respect girls and to grow up to be gentlemen, but I’m not sure I am getting it right. My mind is full of doubt. I’m not self-confident. Motherhood is an amazing, yet terrifying, adventure. Am I a good model for them? Should I tell them this horrible story of growing up affected by addiction, so that they can understand what I mean? How do we raise good boys and girls? I don’t have the answers but expect some from you, fellow mothers….
It feels good to share my story, sad though it may be. Writing is like therapy for me. Girls deserve better and everyone must do their part in order to improve the situation. Silence is not a solution. We have to stand against injustice at every opportunity. Whatever your fight is, and whoever you are, I m standing with you to say RESIST, HOLD ON, better days are ahead!
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Ketakandriana Rafitoson, our new contributor from Madagascar.
Photo courtesy of David Goehring / Flickr.
I admire your courage in sharing this with us. You’d be surprised at how many people share very similar stories, yet feel alone because nobody shares like you have! First of all I’m sending you a strong hug, love and support from South Africa. Just know that the very reason you doubt being a good mother proves that you ARE one! Trust your instincts and be honest with yourself and your family. Children learn most from your actions than from your words. I come from a dysfunctional family and clearly remember thinking that I would NEVER put my children through what I was going through. I’m proud to say that my husband and I were able to break the cycle of abuse. My son is 23 years old, is married and has a step-daughter whom he’s raising as his own. My daughter is 20 years old and has been in a steady relationship for 3 years. I celebrated my 25 th wedding anniversary this year. It was not easy (I had to spend 6 weeks in a Psychiatric Clinic in order to deal with my recurrent Depression when my children were small) but it IS possible! You’re NOT alone!!
Thank you so much Simona for your kind words! I’m happy to know that we can recover from such an experience. I’m glad I have all of you for sharing my doubts but also my happiness! Love you all!
Ke, I now understand where your fire for helping women comes from. The world needs you!!!
As parents, we are trying to be such good examples to our children. No doubt, kids also learn what not to do from our bad examples. And in your case, you have turned your learning experience into something amazing.
No abuse is ok. And I commend you for your role in fighting for people. I am so proud to know you!
Thanks Jen, and thanks again for this opportunity! This is an amazing adventure and I’m so proud to be part of your team! Warm hugs from Madagascar! 🙂