As far back as I can remember I always had a clear idea of what a strong woman is and how she should behave. A strong woman would do whatever she could to have all situations under control, would not need help and would not ask for it either, would manage on her own and would succeed alone.
This was before. Before what?
Before I had no other choice than say “I need help”. I need help to go through the day. I need help to wake up, stand up and live. I need help to overcome my fears, doubts. I need help to love my child. I need help to face past memories. I need help to rebuild my life. I need help to forgive. I need help to love myself.
And my idea of what a strong woman is changed.
We often think that asking for help is a proof of our inability to face life and its challenges.
If you ask mums, friends, people around you, I bet that the answer you’ll hear most of the time will be something like this “I don’t want to ask for help. I’m fine. I’ll deal with it like a big girl”.
Why can’t “being a big girl” and “asking for help” go together? Why do we, women, mums, think that if we ask for help, people will consider us failures?
I took the step of asking for help, feeling lost and guilty at first. But what I received out of it was worth the try. People who were there, at any time of the day (and night) reassured me – this was the first step towards a better life for me and my child. There was no judgement on their side, only kindness and the assurance that I had made the right choice by reaching out to them.
As women and mums, we have a lot to deal with. Our kids count on us. People count on us, from our partner to our boss, our parents to our friends. And we do make it an important part of the deal that we are the ones in charge. But when something gets in the way, would we rather keep going until we fall or ask somebody to take our turn for a while?
Nowadays, I believe that a strong woman is a woman who knows her limits, who can acknowledge her weaknesses and still feel proud of who she is and who could ask for help knowing that this is the best for her and her family at any given time. A strong woman knows when she can’t take it anymore and feel like her duty to take care of herself, in order to take good care of the ones she loves afterwards.
Your turn, world moms, how do you feel about asking for help? Are you good at it? Or are you finding it hard to do?
This is an original post for World Moms Network written by Marie in France.
Dearest Marie, it takes more courage to ask for help than to try and manage on your own! Your post is addressing a very important issue. We must teach our children (irrespective of whether they are boys or girls) that it’s *not* a sign of weakness to ask for help, but that we would be even more proud of them if they do so. As with everything else, children will do what they see us doing not what we tell them. I had to reach “rock bottom” before admitting that I wasn’t coping (and spend 6 weeks in a Psychiatric Hospital to learn how to deal with my Depression). It was the best decision I ever made. My son is 23 and my daughter is 20 years old now. Both of them are extremely self-assured and independent, but they *do* ask for help when needed. My daughter recently told me that my decision to go to the clinic was the best thing I could have done for her (and for the whole family) because it made it easier for them to deal with things after that. 🙂
Good for you to have recreated the meaning of strength for yourself 🙂 And I am happy that it turned out to be what you needed for a positive turn 🙂
I have not had issues asking for help when it comes to mundane things. I feel like I’m in a network and we should be able to ask for help from one another, without compiling a list of times who has helped whom. When it comes to personal help, I have done the same thing you mentioned: Say I will just suck it up and take care of it myself. I think it comes from not wanting to fall into the fragile female stereotype, but I think we do ourselves a disservice by playing into that. We should instead re-establish what it means to be woman. Being strong, being scared, needing help, being barer of joy and breastmilk, being ….whatever we are. It doesn’t have to be all weakness or all strength. I think there is personal and societal harmony in balance.
Ahh, my comment went missing 🙁
My dear Marie, thank you for covering this topic. We are what we are raised to be. We are spoon-fed ideals about independence, self-reliance, and especially where motherhood is concerned, we are caged by the ideas of the perfect “this” or “that” before we even become mothers. Many of these issues come from women themselves – always judging and back-biting. It’s a full time job trying to be superheroes.
You are right, asking for help is strength, and I hope it continues to be the message that we can all stand behind.
What a great truth you shared here, Marie! It takes STRENGTH to ask for help. And we all must always remember this important message when we are not feeling comfortable asking for it. I’m so glad you did. And there are many times I surely have too.