My husband and 10 month old baby boy are going away for a whole week without me, and I have very mixed feeling about the whole thing. They are spending the week with my husband’s parents, and as they live in the UK (and we live in Norway) we both feel it is very important that they get to spend as much time as possible with the grandson.
As my husband has paternity leave at the moment, it is really the perfect opportunity, and I am sure my husband does not mind being pampered a bit by his mother either.
We planned this holiday when our wee lad was about 2 months old, and I remember thinking that I would be able to get a whole week of full night’s sleep, and I was so looking forward to it. I just couldn’t imagine anything better than sleeping! He is now 10 months old and sleeps like a baby, so I don’t actually need him out of the house to be able to sleep, and I miss him and his father a lot.
I took them to the airport, but I hate saying good-bye in an airport because I just feel like everybody will point and stare if I cry, so I always hold it all in, and try to be brave about it.
But then I got home to an empty house, with lots of toys everywhere, and I just broke down… I mean, come on, they will only be gone for a week, and it is not like it is the first time my husband and I have been away from each other, but it is the first time I have been away from my wee boy for that amount of time and this time it felt totally different. I just wasn’t prepared for it.
Having time to myself is quite a new feeling… I come home from work, and I can now do whatever I like! If I fancy meeting up with friends, I can. And, I can stay out as long as I want (just keeping in mind that I have to get up early the next day to go to work, and that all my friends have to get home early to get home to their baby).
I should tidy and clean the house, do the filing (that has been piling up since the wee lad was born), I should do some cooking to fill the freezer with healthy food we don’t have time to make every day, I should go through my wardrobe and throw out (or give to charity) clothes I haven’t worn for years, and I can think of a hundred more things I should be doing right now.
Instead, I am enjoying a coffee and some doughnuts in front of the telly, doing some knitting (yes, I am turning into my mother, but I really enjoy it), and I have been reading a book (another thing I haven’t done since he was born, apart from once on a holiday to Tenerife, you can read about that here), and listening to music I never get to listen to because my husband hates it.
I am going out for dinner with some girlfriends, I am hosting the “sewing club” (oh dear, I am turning into my mother, I feel another article coming on), and I am also going to a knitting lecture with “Arne and Carlos” , so it’s not like I have time to do any housework.
So now I feel guilty about not doing enough housework, guilty about enjoying “me time”, and I am sure there are a few other things I feel guilty about as well! And at the same time I miss my two boys terribly!
I know I sound pathetic – every mum I speak to say that it must be so nice to have some time off, and it is, but here I am feeling guilty about it. I don’t know how to explain it. I have this “knot in my chest” (I am sure that is not the right expression, but I hope you understand what I mean), and I didn’t always feel like that when my husband would go away for a few days. I hope it is natural to feel this way, because it is either that, or I am just going mad. I feel very confused.
Any words of encouragement for Asta? Also, how do you spend your alone time? And, do you feel guilty about it?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Asta Burrows in Oslo, Norway. Asta can be found on her Facebook Page or on Twitter @AstaBurrows.
Photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/karineimagine/4333949504/. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Asta,
You deserve some fun time for yourself! Being a mother is tough work!
i understand where you are coming from though — I often find myself researching something for my daughter online or planning what we’re going to do next when I’m supposed to be having “me time”. It’s tough to separate.
At that point, I sometimes like to tune into a t.v. show that i like to watch that I can’t watch while my daughter is around. Then, i feel like I’m beginning to escape my mom-friendly world!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Veronica, thank you for the comment, glad to hear that I am not the only one with this problem 🙂
Asta
Asta,
You deserve some fun time for yourself! Being a mother is tough work!
i understand where you are coming from though — I often find myself researching something for my daughter online or planning what we’re going to do next when I’m supposed to be having “me time”. It’s tough to separate.
At that point, I sometimes like to tune into a t.v. show that i like to watch that I can’t watch while my daughter is around. Then, i feel like I’m beginning to escape my mom-friendly world!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Veronica, thank you for the comment, glad to hear that I am not the only one with this problem 🙂
Asta
Bless you and your time alone! I have no children, but I know what it’s like to be home alone. My partner and I live in Haiti. Sara, my partner, has gone on to Port-au-Prince ahead of me, leaving me in the US for another week or so. Yesterday I posted a piece about that alone feeling–“A Rant! A Rave! A Prayer?” You might be able to relate——
http://www.reinventingtheeventhorizon.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/a-rant-a-rave-a-prayer/
Hope you are able to enjoy this time!
Kathy
Bless you and your time alone! I have no children, but I know what it’s like to be home alone. My partner and I live in Haiti. Sara, my partner, has gone on to Port-au-Prince ahead of me, leaving me in the US for another week or so. Yesterday I posted a piece about that alone feeling–“A Rant! A Rave! A Prayer?” You might be able to relate——
http://www.reinventingtheeventhorizon.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/a-rant-a-rave-a-prayer/
Hope you are able to enjoy this time!
Kathy
Hi Kathryn, yes – this “condition” just as easily relates to missing your partner – I used to have the same thing before the lad was born whenever my husband went away, all though come to think of it I still do! Seperation isn’t easy…
Asta
Hi Kathryn, yes – this “condition” just as easily relates to missing your partner – I used to have the same thing before the lad was born whenever my husband went away, all though come to think of it I still do! Seperation isn’t easy…
Asta
I totally understand! When I get that time for myself, part of me is estatic and part of me is torn up from missing with my family. When my older child was around 2 yrs old, I went away with my sisters to a new city for a long girls weekend. While I had so much fun, I still cried every time I checked in and talked to my son on the phone. It’s funny how we feel such conflicting emotions all the time, but it’s a great thing to care so much!
Oh…one more thing…I also feel guilty at times not being more productive when I have rare free time. But I make it a point to do something for myself and not the to do list. Otherwise, when will you ever read that book? Go for that jog? See that R rated movie? Or just sit quietly in the cafe drinking espresso and eating a fancy scone of some exotic flavor your child would never want but you could never get cause you usually have to share it as a bribe to keep him quiet in a public place? It’s ok to indulge in your alone-ness 🙂
I totally understand! When I get that time for myself, part of me is estatic and part of me is torn up from missing with my family. When my older child was around 2 yrs old, I went away with my sisters to a new city for a long girls weekend. While I had so much fun, I still cried every time I checked in and talked to my son on the phone. It’s funny how we feel such conflicting emotions all the time, but it’s a great thing to care so much!
Oh…one more thing…I also feel guilty at times not being more productive when I have rare free time. But I make it a point to do something for myself and not the to do list. Otherwise, when will you ever read that book? Go for that jog? See that R rated movie? Or just sit quietly in the cafe drinking espresso and eating a fancy scone of some exotic flavor your child would never want but you could never get cause you usually have to share it as a bribe to keep him quiet in a public place? It’s ok to indulge in your alone-ness 🙂
Hi Tara, thank you for the comment and for understanding! I agree totally – apart from your comment about going for a jog 😉
I must get better about making the most of my time alone, as it doesn’t happen very often!
Asta
I don’t know what time alone is! I haven’t been away from my baby longer then one feeding since she was born. That will change soon though as I return to work on Friday and am kind of sad about it. On a side note, when she was a few weeks old and we weren’t getting any sleep the offer arose for us to go sailing around Tahiti for two weeks (this would be mid 2011). We were salivating over the thought. Now I’m not sure we could leave our little girl for that long even though this opportunity may never present itself again. Not sure what we will do. Anyway, you are home by yourself so you might as well enjoy it and do the things you normally don’t get the chance to do. Your baby is safe and in good hands 🙂
I don’t know what time alone is! I haven’t been away from my baby longer then one feeding since she was born. That will change soon though as I return to work on Friday and am kind of sad about it. On a side note, when she was a few weeks old and we weren’t getting any sleep the offer arose for us to go sailing around Tahiti for two weeks (this would be mid 2011). We were salivating over the thought. Now I’m not sure we could leave our little girl for that long even though this opportunity may never present itself again. Not sure what we will do. Anyway, you are home by yourself so you might as well enjoy it and do the things you normally don’t get the chance to do. Your baby is safe and in good hands 🙂
Hi Momintraining – hope all is going well – isn’t it strange how our minds change once we do get to sleep again 🙂 Two weeks is a long time though – not sure I could manage that. I also find it different when my wee lad is away with his father, and when his father and I are away together. We had a weekend away a couple of months back when we left the lad with my parents, and I missed him more actually when I was with his father… strange isn’t it…
Asta
Asta, go easy on yourself, especially as a first time mom! When you take a vacation from work, do you feel guilty about it? We all need to reset once in a while and get back in touch with our pre-parent innerselves. What you have planned sounds EXACTLY like what you need (and hey, a lot of it has to do with domestic crafts so in a sense, you *are* doing something related to the home). Having a child means life will never again be as we knew it.
I have two young children, nearly 5 and 2, and on Tuesdays they are both in a preschool program so it’s supposed to be my day to get lots of things done. Instead of loading all of my errands and mundane tasks into the few, short, child-free hours I have, I first try to figure out what can be done “after hours” (post-kid bed time) and what needs to be done during the day. Then I target a few items and spend the rest of the time writing or reading (sometimes for work, sometimes for pleasure and sometimes to be a better parent or person). Never disqualify your self-worth and always try to make room for personal development.
Asta, go easy on yourself, especially as a first time mom! When you take a vacation from work, do you feel guilty about it? We all need to reset once in a while and get back in touch with our pre-parent innerselves. What you have planned sounds EXACTLY like what you need (and hey, a lot of it has to do with domestic crafts so in a sense, you *are* doing something related to the home). Having a child means life will never again be as we knew it.
I have two young children, nearly 5 and 2, and on Tuesdays they are both in a preschool program so it’s supposed to be my day to get lots of things done. Instead of loading all of my errands and mundane tasks into the few, short, child-free hours I have, I first try to figure out what can be done “after hours” (post-kid bed time) and what needs to be done during the day. Then I target a few items and spend the rest of the time writing or reading (sometimes for work, sometimes for pleasure and sometimes to be a better parent or person). Never disqualify your self-worth and always try to make room for personal development.
Hi GrowingMuses, I actually have to stop myself from checking work email when I am off work, all though, to be fair, after one day away I quickly forget to think about it anymore 🙂 Good on you for managing to fit in some “you time” when the kids are away, I guess we do what we have to do to keep “sane” 🙂 (As Galit was writing yesterday I find that I do look forward to nap-times and bed-time so that I can have some “grown up time” (meaning knitting etc…), but when he is not around I feel guilty for doing it, but you are right – I musn’t forget my “self-worth”.
Asta
Great post, Asta! You are not going mad!! You are just a good mom! I never do chores with my ‘free time’ because it is such a small amount of time! I usually go to the gym, read or get a mani-pedi. :). Just relax and before you know it your boys will be back where they belong–home with you! 🙂
Hi Allison, hmm… “a good mum”… that feels good to hear, thank you!
Asta
Great post, Asta! You are not going mad!! You are just a good mom! I never do chores with my ‘free time’ because it is such a small amount of time! I usually go to the gym, read or get a mani-pedi. :). Just relax and before you know it your boys will be back where they belong–home with you! 🙂
Hi Allison, hmm… “a good mum”… that feels good to hear, thank you!
Asta
Asta, hi! I hope you end up enjoying every minute of your alone time and come back together with your family completely refreshed and in love all over again! I have the same exact issues ala the guilt but so, so wish that I didn’t! Sew something pretty for me because it would be a total and complete disaster if *I* tried it! *Shudder* at the thought! 🙂
Asta, hi! I hope you end up enjoying every minute of your alone time and come back together with your family completely refreshed and in love all over again! I have the same exact issues ala the guilt but so, so wish that I didn’t! Sew something pretty for me because it would be a total and complete disaster if *I* tried it! *Shudder* at the thought! 🙂
Hi Galit, I will indeed enjoy it, and after all the comments here, and your post yesterday, I will do so with much less guilt 🙂
Asta
Hi Asta! Mummy-guilt is a terrible affliction, isn’t it? I work part-time, and my children are in daycare and school, so it works out that I get 6 hours of “alone time” each week. Theoretically, at least – it’s often eaten up by sick children or appointments or needing to go to work after all. It has taken me most of the year to learn *not* to feel guilty when I ignore the mess in the kitchen and sit down with a book and a cup of tea for an hour or so. I believe it makes me a better Mum (and wife), because I have more to give when they’re all home again. All work and no play makes Mum a grumpy person! I make sure my kids have time to just play and be themselves, without any demands from me (I even let them “veg out” in front of the tv from time to time) – so I should recognise that I need that kind of relaxation too.
I hope you can enjoy your time without feeling bad about it, and I know you’ll be very pleased to have them both home again too!
Hi Kate, glad to hear that I am not the only one feeling guilty. “Mummy-guilt” is a very good term! I will remind myself that having time to myself does not make me a worse parent, it might even be good for us all to have some time apart 🙂 Am off to read a good book (well, after I get home from work that is…).
Asta
Hi Kate, glad to hear that I am not the only one feeling guilty. “Mummy-guilt” is a very good term! I will remind myself that having time to myself does not make me a worse parent, it might even be good for us all to have some time apart 🙂 Am off to read a good book (well, after I get home from work that is…).
Asta
This was a great post! I always feel like I should be doing more in my free time and usually, I am just being lazy. My boys are older though, so they need me less. That’s what I tell myself. My resolution for the new year is to reconnect with my girl friends, I have been a bad friend lately. School and work will do that.
This was a great post! I always feel like I should be doing more in my free time and usually, I am just being lazy. My boys are older though, so they need me less. That’s what I tell myself. My resolution for the new year is to reconnect with my girl friends, I have been a bad friend lately. School and work will do that.
Good to know that I am not the only lazy one 🙂 Best of luck with your resolution, I should probably try to do the same!
Asta
Asta ~ I can understand about missing your boys, but don’t feel guilty about not doing any of the things on your to-do list because once you cross something off the list, something else always gets added on – it’s a vicious cycle. So, I say just think of it as a YOU holiday (after all, the boys are on holiday), and you will be refreshed and energized when they get back 🙂 Happy new year!
Asta ~ I can understand about missing your boys, but don’t feel guilty about not doing any of the things on your to-do list because once you cross something off the list, something else always gets added on – it’s a vicious cycle. So, I say just think of it as a YOU holiday (after all, the boys are on holiday), and you will be refreshed and energized when they get back 🙂 Happy new year!
Hi Eva, thank you for your comment, I already feel better about enjoying time to myself! 🙂
Happy new year!
Asta