Our first son was never a great sleeper. He is an intense little guy, and this carried over into the night for the first several years of his life.
As new parents, we fell into patterns of catering to whatever he needed in order to get back to sleep, whether that be offering a bottle or searching for a pacifier lost in the bedding early on, to holding his hand or rubbing his back until he fell asleep in later years.
He didn’t consistently sleep a solid 6 +hours until 18 months old, and he didn’t go to bed on his own until he was 3 ½, when we bought him a loft bed with the understanding that he had to be on his own, as we couldn’t sit by his side if he was 4 feet up (which he did agree to and has proven to be a fantastic sleeper ever since!).
We did try sleep training with him, meaning letting him cry it out as a baby, but he seemed to only ratchet up more. Each attempt didn’t get better, it got worse, and we gave up.
I just couldn’t see it through…
I told myself that sleep training was some parenting myth perpetuated by the mothers and fathers of naturally good sleepers, mellow babies who would have fallen into their utopian sleeping patterns on their own anyway. Clearly, it wasn’t for everyone. I still do believe that sleep training won’t work for every kid, but I will admit that I didn’t stick with it.
When we had my second son, my husband and I convinced ourselves we’d have a better sleeper.
Everyone always says “the second will be easier.”
In many ways, our second son has been easier from the day-to-day caretaking perspective. He is incredibly easy-going, not at all sensitive in any unusual way, he eats whatever I offer, and he is generally happy to be anywhere with anyone. The only time where he showed any difficulty was sleeping.
Early on, it was normal newborn stuff. But as he grew and became strong and healthy enough to not need to eat at night, I saw we were falling back into the same old patterns. Only this time around, it was much more difficult because if I was up all night, I was then spent all day with two boys!
My older son doesn’t nap, and my baby was only catnapping, so it felt like I never slept more than 2 hours at any given time. And we got to the point where he only wanted me. No food, no daddy. Just mom holding him all night long.
Every time I went to his doctor, we talked about it. I prepared for the shame and reprimand. I love my pediatrician. She is so consultative and nonjudgmental, but it always came back to the same things. “How’s the sleeping?” “Are you sleep training?” “He doesn’t need to eat, and it’s ok to let him cry it out if you think you are ready.”
My husband was ready to try sleep training, as he couldn’t help at night anyway since the baby didn’t want him. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Letting him cry to fall asleep is one thing, but I remember our first son waking up hourly and didn’t think I could spend nights hearing him cry like that without helping him. But in the end, with lots of encouragement from friends who swore by the technique, we decided to give it a go.
Holy crow…I couldn’t believe it! The first night he cried for almost 1 hour, but he fell asleep and slept solidly until 6AM. He NEVER did that before. The second night, he only cried for 20 minutes before falling asleep. And while he did wake up twice during the night, he fell back asleep within 10 minutes.
I told myself I wouldn’t go in until after 5AM, and I held strong. By the third night, it took 5 minutes for him to go to bed, and it has been that way ever since (going on 6 weeks now!). He does wake up from time to time, but I look at the clock and tell myself “give it 5 minutes.” Almost every time, he is back asleep by the time those 5 minutes are up. And, he is now sleeping past 7 AM consistently.
This process has seriously changed my life. My husband and I now put both kids to bed by 7:30 PM and have our evenings together. I assumed it would take years to get back to that point. And recently, we were asked to be witnesses at a wedding in Seattle for good friends, an event that would take us away right around bedtime.
Two months ago, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving the baby with a sitter knowing how the bedtime shenanigans would go, but after forcing this issue, I felt ok about going out for the evening. I knew we had a routine, and most likely the baby would follow the routine (which he did!).
I still don’t know if we could have done this with our first son effectively, but I am so glad we tried it again this time around. It just reminded me that I always need to stay open, be creative, and take advice, because every child is different and what didn’t work before could always work again later.
And also, it is ok to love your child unconditionally but not want to hold them all night long. It’s ok to want to have your evenings with your spouse. In our family, we all are better at spending our days together because we have our nights to ourselves.
What methods or tips have you used to help your child sleep? How do you feel about sleep training?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Tara B. of Washington, USA.
Photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/fimbrethil/3236751082/. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Tara, HOORAY for sleep! You’re right: There is absolutely no substitute for good sleep and time with your spouse! We’ve also so (Totally & completely.) been there- where we felt like the nighttime stuff would NEVER end. I was too much of a wuss (And really, too lazy.) to do sleep training and our kids admittedly still go in waves of sleep and wakings depending on development, etc. This, for the most part, works for our family. I loved your honest take on what worked for your family.
We’re of the bed-sharing not cry-it-out variety. I’m pleased you’ve found some peace with this, but your journey is not one I would choose. Be well.
Kloppenmum- I totally understand. I have friends all over the map with how they sleep, from a family bed to separate rooms to everything else in between. I think the most important thing is finding what works for each person’s specific family. And I’m glad you also have a way that works for you. Thx for reading and for your thoughts.
Tara, I am so happy you have found some relief! We tried sleep training with our older boy, and it lasted for all of one hour. The poor kid got himself so wound up and stressed that after an hour, he had a major projectile barfing incident. We were too spooked to try it again, and we didn’t even bother trying it with our second son.
Kirsten
Kirsten – your story is so familiar to me! Not only with my 1st, but also for friends, did sleep training seem to go all wrong. I was pretty hesitant this time around but needed to try something. Luckily it worked out. But it’s definitely not a solution for all situations. Thanks for your comment.
We did it with Chase when he was about 5 months and he’s been going to sleep on his own at 7:30PM ever since–he’s almost 3! The process took about 3 nights and then we were done. Before sleep training, he would need to be rocked and then held for at least 20 minutes before he could be placed in the crib. If he woke up he would scream until I’d hold him again, sometimes for hours on end. After, he would go to sleep happy, smiling, and singing to himself. Difference is that he was able to soothe himself to sleep. You have given your son the gift of learning how to put himself to sleep, this is a tool he will use throughout his life and he will be a better rested person for it (and, incidentally, so will you!). Agree its not right for every kid, but if you’re resolved enough, it usually works!
Thanks Allison! I found a similar scenario with our #2. Even if I soothed him, neither one of us was getting good rest. I find he is so much happier now (as am I) because we sleep so much better. And most nights he doesn’t even fuss at bedtime. Tonight he just laid down and cuddled his blanket as I walked out of his room.
BUT… I am going to be traveling with my boys in the months to come, and I am not sure how this will play on the road. How have you (or anyone reading this) handled sleeping away from home when you have a solid routine going? I figure I’ll do whatever I need to do to make us all comfortable while we are away and re-train as needed when back in familiar surroundings.
Tara,
This article happens to be well-timed for me! I had a really difficult time sleep training my daughter, and I really can’t go down that route again! Thanks for sharing your experience!
Veronica 🙂
When my wee lad was 4 months old he spent three nights with my parents (as his dad and I was going to a wedding in Scotland). When we left he wasn’t sleeping through the night, but when we collected him he was, and he has been ever since, and he is now over a year old!
We used to put him to bed at 7pm, then give him some more milk at 10:30pm, as we had been advised that “topping him up” was a good idea. He was also sleeping in the same room as us, so I would wake up everytime he stirred, and who knows, maybe I woke him up through the night aswell.
My parents thought that the topping up was a silly idea and didn’t do that, and when he woke in the night they gave him a dummy and stroked his back the first night. The second night just a dummy, and the third night he slept through!
When I say through the night I mean from 7pm to 8am! Every morning I wake up and I am so thankful that I got another good nights sleep!
Asta – that’s a great success story, and how wonderful that he still sleeps so well! Plus I think kids sometimes respond differently to other caregivers, so how nice your parents and he sorted it out. By the way, what’s a dummy? 🙂
Galit & Veronica – thanks for your comments as well. I always enjoy hearing different people’s take on these things. That’s the whole reason we ended up trying sleep training again anyway!