The cliche that becoming a parent changes your world view in a profound way gets kind of old, but it is so true. My outward view of the world and how my children’s lives will be affected by their environment is at once richer and more complex.
The breadth of information and experience I desire for them to know is infinite; the protection I want for them emotionally and physically is visceral – all pretty predictable stuff in the cliche. What has surprised me, however, is the inward reflection on myself, particularly my memories, the way they have shaped who I am today. It makes me wonder how my children’s own memories will shape who they become.
Do you have memories from your early childhood which make you wonder if they actually happened the way you remember them? How did you feel at the time and how has that feeling stayed with you? Real or not, your memories exist and how you feel about those memories has probably impacted certain decisions or actions in your adult life. They have certainly impacted mine…in significant ways.
I could not have been more than four years old, yet I remember the feeling of joy frolicking on the floor with my mother and biological father. I could not have been more than five, yet I remember the sadness of crying in the back seat of their car while they fought. Somehow, I knew then that my father would be a stranger to me forever. To this day I do not know him.
From that moment I learned that people do not necessarily stay in our lives forever. I believe I’ve drawn upon this early experience in my transient adult life, having the ability to let go of immediate friendships with every move from place to place and enduring long distances away from family, both abilities crafted by that first memory.
During my pre-teen years two potent memories taught me to appreciate what I have in life and to not take things for granted. The first was during a trip back to Bangkok from the US one summer. Darkness was falling upon the city while we drove along busy commercial streets lit by glowing neon lights, glossy storefronts and air-conditioned malls.
As we turned off the main street it quickly became darker, grittier, dirtier. It was difficult to make out details of this contrast with my eyes, but I remember feeling the contrast. I felt the difference between the two worlds juxtaposed by a turn of the corner. At that moment I saw a girl, a girl reflecting such a contrast to my young self. She was in rags, a pauper, standing in a dark doorway of a building. I recall asking myself, “What made her life different from mine? I was born here, too.”
Ever since that moment, I knew that only by the sheer luck of birth to a mother who had made life-changing decisions for her family was the only reason why I was in that car and not standing in that doorway. That example by my mother, ingrained into my subconsciousness on that day in Bangkok, gave me the strength to make my own life-changing decisions as an adult that resulted in the wonderful life that I now live.
A few years later on a sunny Spring day , I remember taking a day out of school to go with my step-father into New York City to do something with our passports. He must have gotten lost because somehow we found ourselves driving through blocks of tenement buildings that were nowhere near where we needed to go.
I had my window rolled down to feel the spring sunshine on my arm and the cool breeze. At a stop light I was drawn by sounds of kids playing. “A city school,” I thought. No. It was just basketball courts. “Hmm…?” While my dad meandered his way around the city and finally found his way to the passport office, I pondered on the facts that “Yes, it was a school day. Yes, my parents took me out of school on purpose. Yes, I have an excuse…”
The kind of logic that a girl who never wanted to get into trouble goes through to define situations that seem to defy the rules. And so, I continued to ponder, “Why are these kids not in school today? They should go to school because it is a privilege and it’s free…” I tried hard to find a logical conclusion to something that didn’t have a parallel in my own world.
It made no sense to me except to realize that school was a way out of these tenements for the kids I saw that day, and that entitlements like education shouldn’t be taken for granted. Since then, I rarely missed a day of school and I took advantage of every scholarship and student loan offered to me to help my parents put me through college.
And so, I wonder. I wonder which memories that we create for our children will give them their values and mold their personalities? Which ones will help them or hinder them as adults? My children won’t remember their first two years here in Mexico even though they understand and can say a few Spanish words, but they will form their first memories during our next few years in Laos.
Will the sight of saffron-robed monks receiving early morning alms allow them to know reverence and generosity in their hearts? Will the contrast between our embassy housing and local villages give them a sense of gratitude? Or will our privileged jet-setting life-style make them feel superior and entitled? Will the gentle kindness of the Lao culture teach them grace and respect? On, and on, I wonder…
Which early memories of yours have you drawn upon as adults? How do you believe the world in which your children grow will mold them?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our mother of twins writer, Dee Harlow in Mexico.
Photo credit attributed to Kristina B. This photo has a creative commons noncommercial no derivatives attribution license.
What a gorgeous and fabulously written post.
I believe that our pre-verbal memories shape us just as much as our verbal ones. Perhaps more so because we remember in sensations and emotional-flashbacks rather than in the more quantifiable pictures we ususally call memories.
My first picture memories are all of being outdoors. I do wonder if that has a direct influence on how passionate I am about our boys having a ‘proper’ childhood.
Thanks Karyn! I was hoping the sensation of memory part would come through in the post. How wonderful it must have been to grow up mostly outdoors, and lucky for your boys that you ensure this in their upbringing, too!
I love this memoir! The reflections and experiences are woven perfectly!
I think a lot about technology and how instant everything is. I don’t deny the benefits, it just seems like we’re all so quick to react to each other simply because we can.
As I type on my laptop reacting to a blog I just read, right? 🙂
Thanks for the thought provoking start to my day!
You bring up a good point Galit. I wonder how the electronic world will impact our children’s memories since everything is so quick and fleeting. But it’s unavoidable and often convenient, right? 😉
Dee,
There is an old memory I have that affects the way I parent. I remember being in the back of the car on the way to my paternal grandparent’s house. I was probably no more than 4 years old. I started not asking, but thinking about my maternal grandparents, how they both had died. And, that was the first time I thought about how my mom had no parents alive and how worried she must always be.
I started crying out loud uncontrollably in the back of the car. They kept asking me what was wrong, and I wouldn’t tell them because I didn’t want to get my mom sad by bringing up her parents. I never told a soul, and they were so frustrated that day.
So, now when my daughter is upset about something, I always tell her that she can tell me anything and it won’t make me upset. It worked. One time she had a scary dream that I had died. And, we were able to talk about it together.
I want my children to have memories of there always being people around and also of her parents doing things for others, like volunteering. I have to work on creating those volunteering memories…
Great post, Dee!
Jen 🙂
Jennifer, this is exactly the kind of first memory I tried to describe, how powerful! We all hold dearly to the moments when our children feel joy, often captured in photos and videos, but doesn’t this make you realize that feelings of hurt can start so early and last so long?
Beautiful post Dee, I often think about the events of my childhood and how they have shaped me as a mother. I think I am blessed to be able to remember the things my parents did that made me feel great and the things that made me feel bad. Although I know they were not intentional I am lucky to be able to catch myself falling into the same traps of not really listening or letting them talk because ‘I know better’ or more often I am too busy to wait for them to get to the end of their thought. I think my memories have helped me put myself in my children’s shoes and see things (or try to) from their perspective.
We have lived a relatively privileged life growing up but my mothers constant volunteer work and the generosity she had and still has with not only money but with her time always kept us in check. We never took anything for granted and would never dare to be greedy or spoilt (‘we don’t have spoilt children’ my mother always said) so the fact that you are thinking about this and conscious of it means your children will be grounded level headed adults ‘inshallah’
Thank you Mama B for your encouraging words. And yes, everything that we hope to achieve as parents comes w/ a little ‘inshallah’.
Absolutely beautiful!!
Thank you Maggie!
So thought provoking! Thanks for sharing your early memories. I come from a big family (youngest of 5 kids), and the sensory memory of being one of the pack has always stuck with me. I have always find this intangible comfort around lots of people. While I enjoy quiet moments, I feel like my house feels truly like a home when filled with people. I need to be surrounded by a group of loud, festive folks every once and awhile just to recharge. I totally attribute this to the fact I came from a big family and never have lived alone in my life. The trick is balancing this with my husband’s needs, which are opposite. He grew up in a small family, and while meals and holidays were festive, they weren’t a total circus.
Haha Tara, this reminds me of my childhood preference to go to my best friend’s house across the street for dinners and to their huge family reunions. My household was a small one, very tidy and always very quiet, unlike hers which was crowded, noisy and crazy. I loved having a football thrown across the room at me and having dinner flung onto my plate from across the table. Life is one big quest for balance so you and your husband are perfect for each other!
Beautifully written, Dee. It really got me thinking. Growing up in sheltered suburbia, most of my early memories are about family activities and interactions with my brother (who I’d asked for as a 3rd birthday gift…luckily he arrived 6 months later). Later on, things got a little more interesting – unsurprisingly, memories related to my parents’ divorce have shaped me the most, primarily in positive ways. I do think it says a lot about you – to have observed and applied such profound lessons from the memories you described. Not everyone would see or do the same thing. I admire the way you have drawn on these experiences in your own life and in your parenting, too. I often wonder about the memories our kids are forming here – what will stay with them and how will it shape their lives? Time will tell, but it’s a pretty great journey.
It certainly has been a pretty great journey Shaula. Everybody has a great story and I am so excited to watch our children’s own journey unfold!