This started as a post about what happens when a mother gets ill, but still has a young family to care for. While we were busy doing research with a very nasty tummy-bug, Veronica published her post on taking her daughter to watch a game of college basketball, (NEW JERSEY, USA: Ladies of the Court).
It’s a lovely post about parents sharing their common passion with their child. The comments were great and they got me thinking – are our children genetically different to others?  You see, during those few days when various ones of us were ill, the boys got to watch tv. This doesn’t happen in our house. Our kids aren’t allowed any electronic entertainment.
Before you jump to the conclusion that we are controlling hippy-freaks, let me reassure you that we have no electronic entertainment (for children) in our house for very good reasons. In fact, many years ago our eldest son was pretty much on a par with most other children of educated middle-class families. He watched educational tv and dvds every day, and he listened to loads of cds. He’d been to see The Wiggles on stage and a couple of other shows.
Then, a teacher suggested that a few of the behaviour problems we were having at the time might be due to over-stimulation.
It took us a year to turn everything off. (We couldn’t believe our own eyes: 10 minutes of watching salmon farming impacted on his behaviour for the next three days.) And once we made the stand on all electronics he was like an addict trying desperately to get us to change our minds. He truly went through the whole sequence of – denial, anger, bargaining, sorrow and acceptance.
Once the two-week withdrawal phase was over, we never looked back. He has become calmer, more articulate, more co-operative and more imaginative. (Not that he was lacking in oral language skills or imagination previously). He stopped having night-terrors. He hasn’t said he was bored for five years.
He’s now nine and we are reintroducing electronics into his life, only because adolescence is looming and we don’t want him to feel unnecessarily different from his peer group. We have no desire to prevent him from using technology in the long-term, and certainly appreciate its uses. We would just like his brain to have a chance to mature a little before it has to cope with something which obviously causes him great stress.
Our youngest (21 months) watches tv when he visits one of his grandmothers, and sometimes at night when he’s up late. The middle son (age six) shows his reactions differently: he becomes weepy and super-sensitive, with a little bit of aggression and a few Power Tantrums thrown in for good measure. He often has nightmares afterwards. After many slip-ups and attempts to reintroduce electronics earlier, we decided as a rule it just wasn’t worth the effort.
Naturally we are on the receiving end of some interesting comments. Many people tell us their kids don’t react to electronics the same way. Others think we’re just plain mean or out of date and some think we’re holding our kids back academically. Others applaud us and say they’re doing the same. I really became curious when an older woman in our school community said to me, “Of course they show their reactions, your children are Open Children.”
When I asked her to explain she put it like this, “Open Children show they are over-stimulated. Many modern kids have been so constantly bombarded with electronic noise and bright flashing lights that they have had to shut their senses off to a certain extent. They’re Closed Children. They have to be to manage the overload of information they receive every day. They just don’t see or hear what Open Children see and hear.”
This is not me casting aspersions on other people’s choices or trying to second-guess how other people’s children behave. It’s a genuinely curious set of questions to which I will be very interested to hear your answers. Do you think she’s right? Are some kids more Open or Closed? Is it genetic? Is it a bad thing to be a bit Closed when the world is so fast, loud and bright?
Electricity is still a relatively new thing for our brains to manage. Human brains process excitement and fear much the same way. If technology is, as a rule, overstimulating and changing children’s brains for the worse – that has absolutely massive implications for the future. It has massive implications for our parenting, for education and for the huge economy built around children’s electronic entertainment. Or is it just our boys?
While I love the idea of family activities, for us there is no way we could have taken either of our older sons, at the age of two to a public sports game with bright lights, crowd noise, and loads of electronic sirens, music and commentary. One would have been up the walls and round all the corners the other would have been crying and screaming to be taken home.
Their behaviour after watching a few hours of tele for a couple of days in a row has been intense, angry and exhausting.
So, what do you think? And if you thought it was affecting your children’s behaviour, could you give up ALLÂ electronics (toys, radio, computer, games, tv, dvds, cds, etc) when they were around?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Karyn Van Der Zwet of New Zealand. Â Karyn can also be found on her blog, kloppenmum.
Photo credit to the author.
Karyn, love this post. I think this is very relevant in today’s technology driven world. We have a younger son (now a teenager) who spends a lot of time playing X-Box (to the extent that hubby has started limiting his time) We’re lucky in one sense because this is the calmest of our 3 boys and it has never impacted on his behaviour, we just want him to appreciate some balance.
Mind you had electronic games and computers been big when our oldest was younger then yes over-stimulation would have been out of control. Luckily our boys were always very active outdoor children and were never TV watchers. Simply getting them into the house was enough of a challenge.
Good for you for doing what you believe is the right thing as parents. Each child is an individual, as is each family and conforming to what society does is not always the best thing. Good luck with it
Thanks Fi.
It was initially quite hard to make that stand, but now it’s just the way things are. I can’t imagine going back to how we were. The scrapping after the tele watching last week (when I wrote this) was incredible. Such a difference, and that to me is the key.
(I did LOL at your outdoors comments: our two older boys were outside digging in the dark at 6.15am this morning…)
This is very interesting! We have allowed our wee lad about 30 minutes of tv everyday, all though he only really sits down for about 15 minutes, then he seemed to get bored or distracted. (He is 17 months old now). On weekends we have let him watch one episode of In The Nightgarden, and then often dropped the scheduled kids program. But this last week we have started seing a difference… he will now ask to watch the telly. (When I say ask, I mean he points at the telly and says “eh”… or he will give me the remote control and point at the telly, and just yesterday he came up to me, and tried to drag me over to the telly). We have so far not given in to his demands, and the days he does that I guess we are less likely to turn the telly on for him. And I guess it is only a matter of time until he wants to play with our ipad or any of the other devices we have… ( I think I have to write an article on this subject as well, not sure the reply field can handle the 800 words I feel like writing on the subject!) 🙂 I will definetly be more aware now though to see what the impact of him watching telly has on his behavour!
Our youngest is easily distracted away from the screen too. Those times he’s been at his grandmother’s house, with the tele on, he’s far more interested in the blocks and books than the screen. I’d be interested to hear if your lovely boy has any reaction when he’s older – another reason to keep the World Moms ‘Coffee Group’ going!
We do some minimum amount(1/2 or 1 hour) of TV. And my son is not interested in video games. He thinks those are silly (for now atleast). We havent curbed anything consciously till now. And everything else seems to be under control (whatever that means :-O)
But yes, controlled or minimum TV I think is always good. Earlier in the US of A they called it an idiot box. I dont know from where I remembered that, but I strongly think more than one hour in front of the idiot box is not good.
I can see why people might have called the tele the idiot box in the early days – it’s interesting to hear that phrase again, I think I heard it called that too. Hope everything continues to be in control at your house. 🙂
Karyn, this is such an interesting post. I love how thoughtful you were in your decisions, both then and now.
WOW. I honestly don’t know if I could turn off all technology? Obviously I want what’s best for my children and my family. And we do limit things that effect our kids- for my middle child especially sugar and or screen time anywhere before bedtime doesn’t work. At all. So we rarely if ever go there.
But turning everything off for ourselves, too? I will admit that sounds terrifying and blissful all at once. GREAT post!
I’m intrigued that your middle child seems to react more than the others, Galit. That’s what’s got me thinking too – is there something different about some children? Are they more sensitive to the world around them? I think most parents want what’s best for their children and being tuned in to their reactions, as you obviously are, is always a great place to start – don’t you think?
(Pssst Galit, we don’t turn it ALL off for ourselves – just limit it to when the kids aren’t around.)
“Many people tell us their kids don’t react to electronics the same way.” I get that comment all the time! we have not shut off all electronics in our house. I am on my computer so much of the day but make a conscious effort to put it down when the kids come home from school. My kids can go for days without TV. I get that comment because I do not let my son play Play Station games during the week at all. (Or any other fast paced games. and obviously anything that is not age appropriate) this is difficult because almost every kid he hangs out with is glued to some sort of gaming device ALL THE TIME. He had a friend over a few weeks ago who handed my son a PSP which he put down and ran outside to play. His friend followed him and said “What’s wrong? I gave you the PSP! Why won’t you play with it?”. Fast paced games make my son go into proper meltdowns and cannot concentrate for the rest of the day. And thank God for arts and crafts!
Mama B we’ve had some great discussions about this over the past few months, haven’t we? I really admire how you manage to limit your children’s time with electronics despite all the external pressures around you for it to be ‘normal’. I love that your son wanted to be outside more than he wanted to be on the PSP! And I agree thank goodness for arts and crafts…and lego bricks! 🙂
I would do the same if it was causing my son stress, you are doing the right thing for your family!
Thanks Allison. I love all the great support I find here at World Moms! 🙂
Karyn,
I’ve been pondering the answer to your question. Could I do it? Could I give up all electronics when my child was around if I thought it was affecting their behavior?
Before my husband came along, I didn’t own a cell phone, and I didn’t even have cable TV. I could afford it when I was on my own and working, but I chose not to have these items. I was busy working and had a fun social life after work, so I often didn’t have time for TV. (And, of course, phones weren’t like what they are today, and I didn’t have reason to check my phone often to let through blog comments!) I’ve lived without these things before, and I think I could find a way to do it away from my child if it was affecting her. But, I couldn’t really tell you if I could do it, or not, unless I tried!
However, whether I shut off something completely, all depends on the reaction that my child has. If she was very sensitive to these items, I would be less inclined to use them.
This will be a post that I will continue to think about as a parent. Thanks for writing it, Karyn!
Jen 🙂
Hi Jen,
(So great to be able to call you by your real name!)
I do think it is easier for us (although it wasn’t easy) to turn everything off because we had times prior to children without electronic overload than it might be for someone who is used to having it on/around all the time.It is an issue that I ponder often too – so we try electronics again, and realise we were right all along. LOL
Another interesting point, Karyn…our children won’t have that comparison, if they’ve always had it. Do you ever wish there was just a guide that told us what exactly to be doing??? Ahhhh!!!!
Your article is already having an impact on me. Today when my daughter asked me if she could watch a show, we read a children’s nature magazine together instead. 🙂
It’s also made me think of other things. Some of the readers pointed out that it’s not just technology that’s overstimulating. I’ve been thinking about how I grew up in a large extended family. There was always lots of people, lots of music (even the odd belly dancer!) and in my family’s old home movies I’m being held by person after person. This, too, is not different from our family life now (except for the belly dancers).
And, another thought — if you create a world in which overstimulation is purposely cut out, will that effect the child’s ability in the future to deal with overstimulation as an older kid or adult? I don’t know the answer to this question. Maybe kids that had time to grow and not be overstimulated can deal with it better, or maybe they can’t. I don’t know. Just thoughts growing on thoughts…
Jen
Ah, Jen some great points here…and funnily enough all ones I have some thoughts on. 😉
1# That if we don’t have a comparison we can’t possibly know if our kids *are* reacting. Totally agree. That’s why I encourage people (through my blog) to try a month without and see what happens when it all goes back on again. (Also to see if there are withdrawal reactions.)
2# Overstimulation can come in many ways and some children/adults do find crowds exhausting. (I am intrigued belly-dancers – really, how cool is that?!)
3# I believe that natural maturation of the brain gives adults more protection against overstimulation, and we can certainly see that our nine year-old is generally less reactive than he used to be. When you think about it: prior to electricity the only flashing lights people dealt with were fire and lightning – and they both draw our attention and are meant to give us a little fright so that we are called to action. What do these constant little frights give our kids’ brains when they are naturally so open to the world and are learning all the time? Also I know there is information around to show that there are more psychiatric problems and lower educational achievement if people grow up in noisy environments. (If I can find a link I’ll post it.) Babies sleeping because they’re put next to the dishwasher or washing-machine are probably trying to shut out the extra-information, in my opinion. Constant noise is also new for us to deal with. So yes being a bit Closed is probably protective – but at what cost?
4# As for influencing you to not turn on the tele. teeheehee and other witchy-poo cackles of delight. 🙂
Yours is a terribly important point to make. But we aren’t looking for evidence of overstimulation. Instead, parents provide more and more stimulation. Someone sent me a “cute” video the other day of a baby, barely old enough to sit up, propped in front of some toy that jumped, beeped, flashed lights, and didn’t seem to turn off. The baby was clearly alarmed. His hands flew up, his eyes got bigger and bigger—-he was too overwhelmed to cry and too young to back away. Other people have told me their infants are “happy” at loud parties, concerts, and sporting events because they’re unaware that tiny babies may sleep to shut down severe overstimulation (and react badly later).
A Joseph Chilton Pearce book cited a study that children raised in natural surroundings perceive a much greater range of color—seeing all sorts of shades and subtle differences in tone. Those raised in today’s conditions actually couldn’t see those differences. They were wired for massive overstimulation of their senses, not for what’s nuanced or quiet or slow.
When our children were small there were no electronics on at all while they were awake (okay, some late night movies while I was nursing). To enhance their verbal skills (which are based on direct communication and not background sound) I even avoided radio.
They’re older now and catching up on syndicated comedies and video games, but they are also drawn much more than their peers to real activities and projects.
I can already see our boys are more interested in real activities and projects than many of their peers too Laura. I did struggle with turning the radio off as well as everything else, but both our older sons do have fabulous a vocabulary and I’m sure I listened to them more because it wasn’t on. Didn’t the book Nurture Shock say it was the listening that was key to early language acquisition?
I am interested in the book you mention, it sounds as if it has some relevant information that I would benefit from knowing.
I agree with you on the babies sleeping to avoid over-stimulation too. I also think the same happens when babies in the womb react to hot baths, concerts and so on, and often the modern-western mother assumes the baby is enjoying itself.
I get intense, angry, and exhausting even without her using electronics! But I don’t miss videos at all (we took a month off, and she stopped asking, and I’m going to keep it up indefinitely.) She does listen to a lot of music and some stories on CD — she can play a CD once at nap and bedtime, and often spends time dancing to music, and we listen on the hour commute back and forth for school.
It’s interesting that Amy has stopped asking for video time, Marcy. And great that you don’t miss that time with her watching. I know many parents feel that it’s their only time-out from the intensity of parenting, and I must say I can see the appeal in the short-term. Long-term it just doesn’t work for us.
The time out aspect is appealing, but I hated the every day the same Madeline video or whatever it was. And with Madeline as with so many other things, the videos lose a lot (and gain some questionable things) compared to the books.
I want to add something else — Amy is into princesses, including the Disney ones, and Disney (books) do heavily influence how she perceives these princesses, but she’s aware that there are other sources for their stories, and other ways to think about them, and she’s made up her own princesses too (including a princess Bela Fleck). From early on I’ve tried to make a point of not just getting one Cinderella book, but a bunch of different versions. I need to keep up with that — it’s really interesting as a parent, for one thing, to see the differences and similarities, and I think useful and interesting for the kids, too.
I love the idea of having different versions of the same story for children. We’ve got a few like that but unintentionally. You’ve inspired me to be a bit more conscious about it. 🙂
I’ll add that this overstimulation stuff has been a concern of ours all along — we wanted relatively plain clothes and shoes (don’t really need glitter when you’re a baby, right?), hated those electronic “books,” and it’s also one of the reasons we chose a Montessori school.
LOL I don’t see why babies need glitter either! Yes we were drawn to an alternative education choice too, partly because of the over-stimulation I had seen in schools when I was teaching.
Interesting post! Kudos to you for sticking to what works for your family! It sounds like it is working really well for your family! I limit the electronic exposure for my two little girls. They never watch any television programs and only watch “G” rated movies on the weekends. It is something that they really look forward to. If my six-year-old makes a bad choice during the week, than she loses movies for that upcoming weekend, which is pure agony for her! I do however play classical music most of the day for them while we are in the house. I don’t use the radio, because they don’t listen to commercials. I only use classical CDs. It works well for us!
I love classical music Courtney and I would love to play more of it for our boys. Sadly even classical music has sent them around the bend (and consequently me too!) at times. We now have a piano which they can access any time – perhaps real and live music will be OK. Fingers crossed. 🙂
I applaud what you are doing! This takes alot of strength in todays techy world!!
I never noticed any negative effects with my children and TV but when they were young it was not on all day, and when it was – it was educational or child based movies. However, if they were still that young, I would reconsider it after reading this. They all got tired of it and moved on to the toys present all around them. I had been a pre-school teacher and set up our dinning room as a learning/play room just like a good daycare, with “stations” for various types of play. I would rotate toys as welll so they always had something “new” to discover. Being very creative, I also did alot of crafts and art projects with them.
However, I do support early use of computer learning prlgrams, they have put my children above the rest academicly.
I do know children who are over stimulated as your children were, and you are doing what is best for them, Giving them a chance to be “ready” for that type of stimulation. Every child is different, and as my Pediatrician told me, the Mother knows more about her child than anyone! We know when something is wrong and it is our instinct to sort that out. Kudos to you for doing just that!
We disconnected our cell phones several years ago for financial reasons, however, I am please we did! It took a while to get used to not having it, and being in constant contact, but with the Cancer connection and the preoccupation to always be texting, I am happy not to have one!
Have you ever noticed how rude people are with those devises in their hands? There is no more eye contact- a basic sign of integrity and respect when your speaking to someone. Conversations are constatnly interupted because they “have” to reply, they even get in accidents and run over children as they are so obsessed to “text” or talk on their iphone!! This is one technicle advance we could all lern to turn off more often!!
Kerry,
Something so obvious, but I haven’t thought of doing it that came to me after reading your post. The toys I keep in our family room. They’re the same toys that are always kept in the family room. If I just rotated them a bit with other toys in the house, that could also provide some more interest for my daughter and decrease TV time…
That thought came into my head after reading about your “stations” and that there was always something “new” to discover. Thanks!
Jen Burden 🙂
Hm… That’s an interesting point! I would agree that too much tv overwhelms those little brains… but at the same time I wouldn’t want to be the parent who is supper extra sensitive about it. You’ve got a very good reason, the well being of your children. I bet I would have done the same if I was in you shoes.
I think that these days it’s impossible to “protect” our children from electronics. If they don’t have access to it at the house, they do have it in school, in friend’s house, in the restaurant, Everything is moderation I say. Our daughter is over one year old, and the tv in our house is on almost all day long. My husband works from home and he needs!!!! his news. We live in a small apartment so there is no way I can go to the other room with my daughter just because the tv is on. I’ve been watching my daughter very closely how she reacts to the tv and so far she ignores it most of the time. She plays with her toys, that btw, are mostly teddy bears, or a few “electronics” playing classical music. There is no sign of ADHD, overstimulation, or addiction to the tv. She love the remont controles, though.
Not allowing for your children to watch tv, but packing their days with bunch of activities it’s an overstimulation as well. These days parents like to go to extremes! I remember when I was a kid after school and when my homework was done I was free to play, to watch tv, to read a book, to go visit my friend. Today after the school kids have after school balet, piano, tennis, chest, etc classes. Some parent try to make a superhumans from their kids. Let them have their childhood!!!
I can understand that today’s cartoons are crazy! they are too violent, too fast, too colorful, but there are so many old cartoons that kids could watch withouth being so overwhelmed.
But being honest with you everytime when I get the chance to have my tv off I take it. Every single time when my husband is not at home I turn the tv off, I turn my iTunes on and me and my daughter listen to some good musc to which she loves to dance!!!
I totally agree on the need for children to be children. We’ve consciously chosen to allow our children to play more than they spend time in activities. And I hear what you’re saying about your husband, Craig was certainly a lot more reluctant to have the tele off (and it still a lot quicker to turn it back on). Thanks for adding your thoughts to the discussion. 🙂
Hi Kerry,
Yes I think many of us have noticed how the rate of eye-contact has dropped since texting has been around. I only got a cellphone when our eldest started school so that I could be contacted in case of emergency, I found them to be very intrusive too.
Thanks for your lovely long comment, it’s great to get such a range of opinions in one place. 🙂
I limited screen time because I had very young kids (under 3), but it wasn’t until I read Kim John Payne’s Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids that I really decided to minimize their exposure as they get older, too. Highly recommend his book! Love the concept of ‘open’ and ‘closed’–explains a lot about my own behavior in busy circumstances.
That sounds like another book I need to get my hands on, Elizabeth. I love that there are other parents who limit their children’s exposure to electronics. Thanks for commenting. 🙂
Obviously from the response, you have one excellent, thought provoking post here! Thanks for starting a great conversation. Our older son is very sensitive to his environment. His preschool teacher and I just had a conversation about how he seems to feel things more deeply and perceive things at a broader range than other kids. Not in a pathological way…just more intensely. I have also conferred with his pediatrician over the years on this, and she agreed he just he super sensitive in every way but not to the extent of any sort of condition. It’s just how he is wired up. When he was younger, a friend recommended the following book to me: “Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It talks about kids who have such strong sensory experiences but not to a level where they have a diagnosale problem.They are just by nature “more.” It helped me so much to tune into my son’s perspective. As a small toddler, he would go off sometimes just going into a mall or crowded public space. As he got a little older, he could communicate his concerns or feelings better, but most TV shows or games were out of the question. His little body just couldn’t handle all of the images and information being thrown at him. We also had our share of night terrors and emotional meltdowns due to overstimulation. So we didn’t push it. No need to for a kid to be watching tv, right? He now does watch some tv and a handful of movies as well as some eductional video games. And at 5 1/2, he still hasn’t been to a movie theater. The thing is, he can handle a new movie much better in his home than in theater where there is so much sensory stuff to work through in addition to the movie. Yes, he COULD do it with my support, but I don’t feel compelled to force this on him. As with so much, he will tell me when he is ready, and we will do it because it’s fun. As you noted, I get my share of comments over these choices, but he is a happy kid. He would just rather play Legos or ride his bike than go see Toy Story. And I’m ok with that.
Hi Tara,
It has been good to have such a great response to this post, and I’m pleased about the diversity too. I think you’re right that there are some children who are just *more* on every level. I’m the same: I just don’t feel the compulsion to force electronics on our kids, especially when I see how content they are with their lego or a spade. Thanks for sharing your thoughts too. 🙂
WooooHoooo!
We made the top 10 parenting posts at Saveby today.
http://paper.li/Saveby/1306649353#!tag-parenting
Well done, Karyn!! 🙂
Thanks jen. 🙂
I also follow a blog called Just West of Crunchy, and she had a somewhat opposite post up today as a guest at another blog: http://www.mamaeve.com/?p=2091
Always good to have different points of view on these things, Marcy. At least then we can work out what we really believe for ourselves. 🙂
Hi Karyn.
As you well know turning off the telly for what was going to be a week (our local library had a turn off the telly challenge for the school holidays), then ended up being years has been the best thing for our boys. The difference in behaviour when they were young was huge, and also, it was interesting to note that because they weren’t watching telly, the amount of snacks they asked to eat went down. There has been a lot of research into television viewing and food intake when looking at childhood obesity rates, due to the cues on television with advertising and programming, and also loss of awareness of the amount eaten. The reduction in physical activity due to blobbing is also an issue.
Now they are older we have reintroduced some screen time and computer time, we want them to be up with the play in a technology dependent world, but it’s only in the weekends.
It’s worked so well for our family. They are calm and self-sufficient boys who have great imaginations and who communicate well with other children and adults. They certainly haven’t suffered academically from missing out on telly. It’s amazing how much they learn from reading books and playing with Lego! Also, the environment in the house is restful without the constant noise of the television (or the squawk box as I like to call it – those modern kids cartoons all seem to involve shrieking, squawking, or angry little faces!).
I too have had interesting comments from people, from those who think we are too controlling, to those who think good on ya! And certainly, judging by the of the amount of garbage on telly we adults haven’t sacrificed that much!
Happy, calm boys, it works for us!
Hi Vanda,
Thanks for your input – so lovely to hear from you. 🙂
It’s fabulous to hear you say that your (highly achieiving) boys haven’t suffered from lack of electronics – I think that is often a concern for parents. I would say the same for our own kids.
I think your final comment, about happy and calm boys, is what makes having no technology for the littlies and very limited for our oldest boy the no-brainer for us too. The difference between their behaviour when they don’t have it and when they do is incredible.
Calm and happy kids = calm and happy Mum. 🙂