I just read an article on the first real-time study to be done on spanking. Researcher George Holden originally set out to study how often parents shout at their children. He asked the parents to tape their interactions with their children and was surprised to hear how often they spanked or slapped their children and even more surprised at the reasons.
One parent slapped her child for turning the pages of the story book she was reading him. Another mother spanked her child for approaching the stove (which was not on). And yet, another one slapped her child 11 times in a row because the child was fighting with his sister. (You’d think she would realize it’s not really working!)
The study spanned people from different backgrounds and races, so as not to be bias in one way or another. The parents were told that it was about their interactions with the children, and they were asked to roll the tape from when the children came home from day care or school until bed time.
I have slapped the back of my daughter’s hand once, last week, when she intentionally kicked my son in his privates so hard that he was doubled over on the floor crying.
Do I think it was something that has scarred my daughter? No. Do I think it was at all in ANYWAY effective? No. Am I proud of it? No. I think it was an emotional response that was an immature reaction to what happened. I do not think it makes me a bad parent, but it certainly didn’t give me any points on the whole “carer, protector, teacher” side of parenting. (Maybe gave me a few on the bully side of it).
I remember a teacher I had once, whom I was very close to, telling me about a time her daughter bit her son so hard it made him cry, so in return she bit her daughter. I can hear her saying “She never bit anyone ever again.” Is she a horrible mother? No. In fact, she probably has the healthiest relationship with her grown up daughter now than anyone else around me. She obviously didn’t make it a habit of biting her children when they misbehaved, but for her daughter she thought it was an effective way of getting the point to her that biting others hurts them.
I do believe there is a distinction between spanking and child abuse in that I do not think that every parent who has spanked their child should be labeled an abuser. Logically though, if you hit your child hard enough to really hurt him or make him fear you then it can’t be ok. Also, the image of such a huge grown up parent heading for a small child, hand raised, must be a terrifying thing for the child.
I was never spanked by my parents although my mother slapped me on the back of my hand for slapping my sister across her face when I was at least 12, and she was 8. And, I totally deserved it. No one I know spanks their children either, and none of my friends were spanked when they were children.
The few people I know who were slapped got slapped at an older age (10, 11 or teens) And, they were boys. It only happened once (It only had to happen once) when they did something really out of line or something dangerous, or so disrespectful that their fathers gave them a slap. They all agree that they deserved it, and that it did not scar them or ruin their relationship with their fathers. But, their parents would not have “spanking” in the bag of tricks they used for discipline. In fact, they probably never did it before or since.
Have you ever spanked your children? Would you ever? Do you think spanking is an effective form of punishment?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Mama B from Saudi Arabia. She can be found writing at her blog, Ya Maamaa.
Photo credit to Ben Hussman. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Interesting article. I was spanked as a child pretty regularly. I don’t have any negative feelings towards my parents because I know that they did the best they could based on how they were raised. I have chosen not to spank my children. I’m certainly tempted at times (perhaps because I was spanked so often), but I’ve read a lot about the topic and I don’t think it’s right for my family.
In the book “1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12,” the author says that when a parent spanks their child, the parent is having a temper tantrum because he or she is unable to control his or her own anger. Most of the time, parents don’t plan on spanking their children. It happens in a moment of anger and the parent often feels badly about it afterward (like in the example you gave in your article.) That was eye-opening for me.
Also, the line between abuse and spanking is very blurry. Some think that as long as they don’t leave a mark on their child, it’s not abuse. But all children are different and some bruise more easily than others. It’s very subjective.
Finally, I’ve read that spanking doesn’t change a child’s behavior. It teaches children that it’s alright to hit others. These are the main reasons I’ve chosen not to do it. Thanks for writing about this very interesting topic.
“the parent is having a temper tantrum ” exactly! I once wrote a post on my blog called ‘Totally in control’ which was about our duty as parents to be the ones who are in control. Only the children have the excuse to have meltdowns.
This is a really interesting article! We’ve never spanked our kids. But I’m with you- there’s a difference between abuse and discipline.
I was spanked {and slapped} when I was little- not often, but I was. And I remember each and every time clearly.
I’m not angry with my parents about that, but I do see it as a form of them trying to gain control over me.
I love that you brought this honest conversation to the table!
Last week, I wrote a long reply under the post titled, India: Parenting Styles East vs. west, which goes into a lot of details about why we don’t spank. Cutting it short, I think it teaches your children that it is ok to hit, that hitting someone smaller than you is ok, someone in authority or bigger than you can hit you, that hitting someone is a way to solve a problem, and it perpuates violence. I don’t think it teaches reason for behavior change. It teaches your child to fear you and be compliant, not reasoning or problem solving. I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. Basically, spanking is not something that works for our family and is nothing something I would encourage anyone to do.
As far as my experience with spanking when I was a kid, I was spanked a few times. I do have other people that I am close to that were hit more often than I was, sometimes with a belt. These other 2 did get into more trouble, but it was always very upsetting to me and I would lay in my bed and cry over it. It did make me fearful. I was definitely a very compliant, shy, quiet child because I hated getting into trouble and rarely did. I still hate it and the thought of dissapointing someone or doing wrong causes me a great deal of anxiety. Things changed and this wasn’t something that went on for more than a handful of years. Either way, it had a powerful, negative effect, one that I don’t want to repeat.
Maggie thats quit sad. But its what they knew then I guess. but we can give our children so much anxiety by doing simpler (and less physically painful) things so just imagine what constant spanking can do.
There is more involved in that story, but do not worry. Everyone turned out okay. It was a parenting method that was used on this person and so they did what they knew. Over time, things did change for the better. It is something that I remember, as do the others, but it serves as an example of what not to do.
I honestly don’t remember whether I was spanked as a child, but I don’t spank my own child. I always try not to judge, but this is something I don’t understand. It doesn’t address the behaviour – it’s meant to inflict pain.
We already have an issue with our son hitting (he’s 3, so in that hitting phase) and are trying to teach him that it’s not okay to hit. How could I do that if I hit him?
Interesting observations from that study though. That’s a lot of hitting! I think it just goes to show that a lot of parents, no matter their background or circumstances, don’t have the support or resources or skills they need to deal effectively with their children. Being a parent is really hard and I think this is evidence of that.
Mama Robin it’s true. Maybe they are just overwhelmed and probably don’t know any better. But it is a form of bullying to let out your anger on someone who is smaller and weaker than you.
I don’t know if truly no one spanks their kids anymore or just no one’s willing to admit it in this forum. I was spanked with fair frequency as a kid (specifically with a wooden spoon), my husband was spanked with the sole of a Dock Sider (boat shoe). But what I remember each time is my father crying when he inflicted the punishment and saying “this hurts me more than it hurts you.” I didn’t understand his comment at the time but now that I’m a parent, I understand. I think my bad behavior and the resulting punishment cut him to the core. I think of him as a loving, generous father, one who rarely raised his voice.
Conversely, my husband and I try to break the molds we were formed by and not spank our kids but I feel like we yell a lot and that’s really having a negative impact on my (and probably our kids’) psyche.
There’s no perfection in parenting, some over dominated kids turn out fantastic and some coddled, deeply embraced kids end up on the streets. It’s all a delicate dance that takes about 20 years to learn and see if we learned it right. I’m on year five of dance lessons and so far, I still seem to have two left feet.
Thanks for the raw discussion board and welcome to WMB!
I agree than many times parents spank their children they are experiencing their own temper tantrum, but not always.
If you’re interested I’ve just given Fire Chrystals the link to information about peaceful societies ( http://www.peacefulsocieties.org/index.html). And there is a huge variation between some of those and how they approach discipline. The commonalities with them, with regards to parenting practises, are even more interesting…and very different to how many of us in industrial socities raise our children…perhaps it really isn’t the spanking that’s a problem (although perhaps not ideal), but something else…yes, me playing devil’s advocate – again! LOL 🙂
Interesting, Karyn! Thanks for the link! 🙂
Jen 🙂
Hi Mama B!
I’m a fan of time-outs. I have to be strict with them to make them work, and I’ve found them effective. I mentioned this in the comments of Fire Crystals’ article about discipline in India:
“I read an interesting book on discipline early on, and I felt it really made a lot of sense. I’ve recommended it many times. It’s called “Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two- to Six-Year-Olds” by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long. One of the points it makes about choosing not to hit your children — the only way to increase the punishment is to hit harder. And, if increasing the punishment helps make a punishment more effective over time, then it can lead to abuse and there must be other ways to discipline. I’ve used their steps, and it’s changed the way in which I talk to my daughter, and in turn helped her behavior. I think the book is applicable to children of ALL temperaments.”
Great post! 🙂
Jen 🙂
I grew up in a house that never spanked, and to this day my mom feels bad about the one time she lost her cool and gave me a big pat on the bottom (I flipped a charcoal grill after several warnings to stop my shenanigans and amazingly came out without a scratch. I scared the dickens out of my mom, tough, so she smacked my rear). But like others you have talked to, I totally do not feel bad about it because I knew I pushed her to the edge.
I don’t spank in my household. I like the philosophy of leading by example. My sons know I am the authority figure and my word goes. But I do not let them hit, so I don’t hit. I ask them to apologize for losing their cool, so I apologize for losing my cool. I don’t apologize for being mom and discplining, but I will own when I am being unconstructive. (for example…I will let them know what they did wrong and dole out the punishment, but if I was yelling like crazy, I will apologize for not handling my own frustration well).
We use words to sort our problems, we use time outs when we need to calm down, and my kids get rewards for good behavior and lose privileges for bad behavior. Sometimes verbal cues are enough, and sometimes during particularly rough patches, we need to make charts to track behavior so there is a visual cue.
But overall, respect is a household rule…for all of us. Mom respects Dad, Dad respects Mom, kids respect parents, and parents respect kids. It’s worked well for us.
I do have some friends who spank in certain circumstances, and they are wonderful parents with great kids, so I do think each family needs to find that balance of what works in their household.
Thanks for sparking a great discussion!
Very well said! I agree with you completely and we do the same types of things in our home. I am happy with the way we are doing things. It feels right and it works for us.
I don’t spank but sometimes I do yell, which makes me feel really bad. BTW, I believe the negative effects of verbal violence are greatly underestimated. Twice I also threw some stuff I was holding on the ground as an impulsive response to my anger, which was pretty shocking to my son as I am usually a calm person. He remembers it still and I wish I could erase those reactions.
I was spanked ocasionally as a child (by my mom), but only one of the times it had a lasting negative effect. I was only 2 and didn’t really understand why I was being hit (I still feel sad when I remember).
BTW, this is a great post on gentle discipline – http://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/10/06/back-to-basics-the-framework-for-gentle-discipline/
See this is the problem with children today. Parents these days always want to be “friends” with their children than be an actual PARENT. The Bible says in Proverbs 13:24 “he who spares the rod hates his son but he who loves his son is diligent enough to disipline him.” Spanking was always a form of disipline but it wasnt until the 1950s when these “psychologists” who thought that they knew more than God came up with this “non spanking” parenting and now that parents bought into this and now you have kids spitting, hitting and cursing at their parents. Shows like Nanny 911, Dr Phil, Oprah with clueless parents looking like they lost control over their own child(and they have and it WILL get worse). We are living in the spare the rod spoil the child generation but the Bible says it was going to be liked this so Im not surprised but if you dont teach your child disipline NOW then things are going to get ALOT worse for you down the road