It wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to me. Yet, two agonizing days after the birth of my first child I knew that things weren’t right. It had nothing to do with my brand new baby boy, Max. He was perfect.
The beautiful, full-head of dark brown hair and angelic dark blue-eyed newborn was healthy. No, he was everything I’d ever imagined him to be and more. Instead, it was me. There was something wrong. Terribly wrong.
I brought my new son home less than two days after a long, exhausting induced labor and was scared beyond belief to leave the hospital. I had never been around babies before.
I was almost thirty-three years old and had no idea how to even change a dirty diaper let alone breast-fed a baby. I was afraid to hold him, panicked when I heard him cry and felt unbelievably exhausted, sore, anxious and scared.
The first night was brutal. All Max did was cry all night long. I tried to nurse him constantly, continually wondering whether or not I was doing it right. Did he have enough milk? Was he starving? Or was he full? His screams continued. I think I had one hour of sleep.
Day two at home from the hospital continued in this format. He cried constantly, I fed him, changed him, held him and felt even more exhausted and anxious than ever. What on earth was going on? I thought, distraught and perplexed.
Isn’t motherhood supposed to be the greatest thing in the world? Aren’t I supposed to love my baby more than anything on this earth? What was wrong with me? Instead of being overjoyed, I was overwhelmed, panicked and wanted to run, far away from this hell.
As the days passed, instead of wanting to hold him, I became more and more anxious and scared of being with him. I continued to sleep less than an hour a night due to worry, constant feeding, anxiety, and pure over exhaustion. I could no longer eat, sleep or think. This pattern of sleep deprivation and anxiety continued for the first two weeks post-partum and unfortunately only got worse. I was slipping away into a dark and lonely place and all I could think about was how I’d ever pull myself back. I thought I was going to die.
I knew something was dramatically wrong and my dear mother was the one to point it out. She knew the signs and told me flat out that I had a problem which she believed to be postpartum depression. She had worried about this happening to me even before the birth, as I’d always had issues with my periods and was extremely moody during adolescence.
I tried to deny it. Instead, I thought it was something about me. That I was the one to blame. I was the failure. I never should have become a mother.
I became so anxious about everything that had to do with the baby that I literally could no longer sleep, eat, or even think. All I could do was wallow away in my fears which finally lead to a panic attack bringing me to the ER at the hospital. This was now six weeks after the delivery of my son, and God, I wish I had known earlier what was happening to me.
It was indeed a pure textbook case of Postpartum Depression (PPD) which generally occurs after delivery, and if not treated can lead to psychosis, suicide and even death of the baby. Apparently, this problem is more widespread than we are lead to believe. It is also difficult to measure and access because not all mothers report PPD due to embarrassment, fear or shame.
According to the most recent study directed by the CDC in 2008, approximately 11% of women per annual live births suffer from varying degrees of PPD. Per “Postpartum Progress”, a leading blog on PPD which demonstrates extensive knowledge on the subject, “this would mean that each year approximately 950,000 women are suffering from postpartum depression”. I believe that these numbers are actually on the low side since many cases of PPD are not reported.
My doctors didn’t help me or diagnose it. They never educated me about the risks. The more I think about it, I believe I was already beginning to suffer from depression during my one month of bedrest and isolation before the birth. Thankfully, to my amazing husband and mother who supported me and helped me during this terribly, dark time of my life, they were able to find me the right help and also take on full time care of my newborn. But, it wasn’t easy. It took weeks upon weeks of phone calls trying to get help and even longer to find the right help.
I was going to get out of this darkness: This desolate, hopelessness, anxiety and fear of not being able to care for my child. I wanted to finally be his mother, and I wanted to be me. I had to get over the feelings of being a failure which was the hardest thing for me to do.
I felt like I had failed in life. I was always someone who had done it all. Got good grades, had a good career, married a wonderful spouse, traveled the world. Yet, here I was all alone faced with PPD and needing to take medication and see a shrink.
Accepting that this was the only way to get better, I finally caved in. I stopped breastfeeding, started up my birth control pills again (to balance my hormones) and agreed to take an anti-anxiety medication (which was extremely hard for me to do). Yet, three months later with the love and support from my family and doctors, I was me again. I was back. I survived something so difficult that I never believed I would pull through. But, I made it. And, thank God I’m back.
I never want to ever go there again. It’s a dark and lonely place.
Two years and four days later, I was able to have another child, a baby girl, which I never believed would be possible. This time I knew what to expect and was prepared. I had everything in place in the event that I got PPD again. I prayed it wouldn’t happen again and someone was looking out for me. It didn’t. I was fine, more than fine.
Now when I look back, it really angers me that PPD still remains a taboo subject, an embarrassment that people don’t want to believe happens. The doctors don’t educate us, the media downplays it (especially Tom Cruise) yet thousands of women suffer and remain untreated every single day.
Motherhood is supposed to be a time of great joy and happiness. However, sometimes it doesn’t always go as planned. And, that is ok. With love, support and confidence in yourself as a successful, loving mother, you’ll survive and even thrive.
Have you ever experienced Postpartum Depression? If so, what helped you to recover?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by thirdeyemom of Minnesota, USA. To read more of her blogs, please visit either www.thirdeyemom.com or www.thethirdeyeworld.com.
Photo credit to the author.
Thirdeyemom,
You are so brave! I cried when I read it. I hope it gives comfort to mothers who are struggling through PPD right now. I love how you were fearless and had a second child. Great life story!
Jen
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so important for women to know about PPD. I’ve read many stories about amazing PPD survivors and the common thread seems to be that it’s completely under-diagnosed. Every mother-to-be and their family should be educated to know the signs to look for postpartum, so that help can be obtained soonest. Which is why articles like these are so important.
So glad you triumphed over PPD.
I am really surprised that your doctor never talked to you about this. I am so sorry you suffered for so long. After both of my kids, I had a hard time sleeping, lots of anxiety and I feared that something terrible would happen to them, so I never wanted to take an eye off of them. I was on medication and with my first, I didn’t have anything else besides what I mentioned. I was able to take care of my son and I quickly adjusted. After I had my daughter, things were very different. I felt the anxiety and all that I mentioned above, but I also would get these overwhelming spells of crying. I couldn’t stop them and I would just have to cry it out until it left. I used to escape to the shower and cry there. I felt like my children didn’t deserve to have me as their mother bc clearly I was a mess. I could feel the waves of crying coming on and my body would get hot. It was absolutely horrible. I went to my doc within the first week of being home and got on the meds I used before. My husband went back to work on week 2 and I went to my parents with both kids. I never thought that I would hurt my kids. In fact, it was the extreme opposite for me. I was so in love with them and absolutely petrified of SIDS. I also felt extremely overwhelmed and I had no idea how I could do it all with both kids. It was no way to live and I knew that. My doctor was amazing. He and the nurse let me talk to them for as long as I needed. I cried, we shared storied and we laughed. I am forever grateful to this doctor for what he did for me.
About 2 weeks after giving birth, I literally felt this black cloud lift. It was amazing and I never want to go back to that dark place. I can’t believe that it was only 2 weeks that I felt that way because it seemed like eternity. I have no idea how you dealt with it for so long. I did have 1 person say to me something along the lines of, “You don’t want people to think you just want attention.” That baffled me and couldn’t be farther from the truth. All I wanted was to feel like myself again and take care of my kids. Other than that, everyone was supportive and I never felt ashamed. I knew it wasn’t my fault and I knew I was doing all the right things to get better. I was very open about it.
In my experience, I was treated within the first week, I had doctor support, family support and got out of it within a few weeks. I was very aware of PPD and noticed the signs right away. There is good support and information out there, but I guess it isn’t like that everywhere. What a shame! I am very sorry and sympathetic to your experience. I wish you had been treated sooner and didn’t have to suffer needlessly for so long. I am glad that you pulled through and are doing well now. 🙂
This is such an important topic that is not spoken about enough. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I too have been there. I was hit hard with PPD after the birth of my younger son. It was untreated for a full year, during which time I got worse and worse. My salvation came when I went to see my family doctor for something unrelated, and he picked up that something was very wrong, and he set me on a course of treatment. He was not the best doctor in some ways, but he really did pull me back from the brink.
I would love to see hospitals sending home PPD information with ALL new parents, so that it can be detected and treated earlier.
Kirsten
Thanks for sharing this experience. Finally after years of speaking about PPD, women are able to feel that it is not about “us”. Depression is very real, and it’s hard enough being a mom without the burden of being ignored or stigmatized.
Shame on your Drs for not at least putting it out there. I am happy that you made it to a place where you can share your experience.
PPD is a little piece of hell. What would we do without helpful and supportive family and friends to help us through it? (Nevermind… the answer to that question scares me.) Sharing stories helps reduce the stigmatism surrounding PPD… thanks for sharing yours.
The end of the article asked what helped those who have experienced PPD recover. So many options, so many traditional and non-traditional methods… but all of them are a million times more effective with supportive and aware family and friends to hold you up when you can’t do it on your own.
What an important story! Thank you for opening up and being so honest. You are an inspiration…a fantastic mother because you got the help you needed. It is so hard! I didn’t have extreme PPD, but I had enough hormonal stuff happening that I lived in a fog for the first 9 months after my 1st son was born. I was so fragile, so sleep deprived, so stressed. It was really hard on me. And like you, I was really anticipating that it could happen again with my 2nd, but it totally didn’t. My 1st birth was much more physcially difficult than the 2nd, and so I think my hormonal levels and recovery were night and day. But we can all get through it if we talk about it and share ideas and resources. Great post!
I’m so glad to see other people writing about postpartum depression. I went through that, though my experience was different – it set in much later and even though I saw 5 different doctors in my doctor’s practice (and even asked about medication) none diagnosed or pushed further. We need so much more awareness about this.
Thanks for sharing your story! I’m sharing a small bit about mine in my post on here tomorrow.
Thanks EVERYONE for your thoughtful, supportive and caring comments! I have read them all and really appreciate it. Yesterday I was in a fog because my article brought back those hard memories and I even got some phone calls from friends who felt really sad. I agree, I think we all need to talk about this illness more and support other moms in need. I remember a phrase that you “need a village” to raise a child. We used to have these villages of extended families and friends around to help us out. I think the hardest part for a new mom is the isolation and lonely hours alone with a crying baby. But we survive. Thanks again for all your comments and please pass around and share this article to any new mom you know. That is why I wrote it! 🙂
Great post! Thank you for talking about it and being a part of spreading the word about PPD how important that is to talk about it, and not to be ashemed of it.
My depression started a little bit more later than yours. I mean it was there all the time, from the day our daughter was born… but it became very serious (with suicidal thoughts and actions) when she was about 9 months. It’s been 5 months since I was diagnosed and I am still not quite myself. It takes time, and strenght, and curage, and patience, and love… to get back on track.
I am glad it helped! As hard as it was to write and talk about, I’m glad I did. Mine was so severe but thankfully I was able to feel a lot better by six months and even better by nine months out. I still had some downspells every so often and even today once a year, I go through a couple days of depression but overall it is mostly gone. For me, the key things to getting better were sleep, help, love and support, seeing professional psychologist once a week for talk therapy and medication. I tried to go off the meds a few times but after a few weeks slumped back into it. I seriously think my body has forever changed after childbirth! So, I remain on my BCPills as they balance my hormones and remain on my antidepressant and feel 100% me. When I am ready, I may again try to go off things but then again, if it doesn’t work I don’t think I’m a failure anymore or am ashamed for being on pills. I lived 33 years of my life without them, had PPD and now am finally me, so “so be it!”. Good luck with overcoming everything. You will get there, especially once your baby is a little older and you have more “me” time. I’m always around if you need support! That;s what moms are for! 🙂
Thank you for writing such a moving piece! In hind sight, I believe that I went though PPD after my first was born, but am one of those women who didn’t report it, and haven’t done anything about it. While I was going through all of it, I guess I just blamed it on being tired, having a son who was constantly wanting the breast (like you), being a new mom…. I just kept coming up with lots of excuses. After I had my daughter, things were a lot easier on me. I still think that I may have some bouts of depression from time to time (I am still breastfeeding my daughter and do feel completely overwhelmed at times, with 4.5 and 1 year olds, working, and dealing with life in general). I am looking forward to having some time to myself, to go back to the gym and generally have some “me” time, once the baby is weaned!
You are welcome! That is why I wrote it because it is so much more common than people think and there are so many of us out there wondering what is wrong with them for having PPD. Now that my kids are 4.5 and 6.5 I am much better. The bouts of sudden unexplicable depression are extremely rare now, perhaps once or twice a year for a couple of days. You are almost there, though! I think mothers have so much pressure on them these days and not enough support. Never feel guilty about taking some time for yourself! I work out as much as I can, take walks, and even go to movies at night during the week, by myself. It just really helps to get out of the house. Hang in there as you are so close to life getting easier. As they say, it gets so much better as the kids get older and easier. Thanks for your comment! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story on PPD. I am astounded by the rates of it in the western world and do wonder if the isolated way we live (one apartment/house per nuclear family) contribute to the situation. I had never held a small baby before I had our first son at almost 34 – so understand your fears; I didn’t want to change our boy’s clothes – he was just 5lbs 12oz and seemed so fragile. I appreciate your honesty and openness in this post. 🙂
I am just seeing this now.
Your experience sounds remarkably like mine, in that the onset of PPD was nearly immediate and that sleep and anxiety were major players in it. I envy you a mom who was so aware of your psychology.
I was expecting some form of PPD to be likely, given my history of anxiety and depression. My midwives were proud of me for that awareness but didn’t help much in advance — they were wonderful when it started, being available, having helpful ideas, visiting me in the psych ward.
I did NOT expect the anxiety to be uppermost; I pretty much know how to manage depression, but I couldn’t manage the panic attacks and nameless empty fear.
To this day I am not certain which of the various factors (sleep loss, past history of anxiety and depression, chemical / hormonal changes) were most significant in leading to PPD, but I am sure that one of the biggest factors was a clash between my fierce commitment to be the good mom on the one hand, and the reality of my personal baggage on the other. I was honestly surprised that the commitment wasn’t enough to overcome the baggage.
What helped me recover?
Getting away — first a too-short stay at the hospital, then living at a friend’s house for several days while visiting my own home more and more.
Medication — Zoloft and, later, Risperdal, which as much as I hated the idea of it, did help with clarity of thought and reducing the fury of anger and irritability. Low dose of each. And, especially in the beginning, for anxiety and sleep, Lorazepam.
A local shrink — she helped by prescribing, but she was hurtful in some ways, particularly in how she handled an intervention.
A DBT support group — this was the best. It was part of that intervention, but turned out to be a good thing. I still use skills and ideas I learned from DBT.
Phone sessions with my long-term therapist out of state — this was also the best. I tried to find a local therapist and didn’t click with any of them — it was so much easier and smoother and more comfortable to reconnect with Joe, even though out-of-pocket was expensive.
Grad student husband — his work schedule was flexible enough that he could help a lot. He felt more obligation to work than his colleagues placed on him, which was hard for me emotionally.
Parents — first mine for a week, then his mom for a month. It was helpful to have another pair of hands in the house, but it would have been much better to have hired a doula, someone who didn’t have baggage with me.
Church — people from church brought meals and spent time with me once Mark went back to work — times when I couldn’t take care of the baby, someone was there to do it.
Thanks for your excellent comment! It is so nice to hear that others are finding help. I honestly went through several doctors until I find the right fit for me. Some of the shrinks were just plain old creepy and didn’t really understand how to treat PPD. I found two fantastic women doctors who had a lot of experience with PPD and were supportive and helpful. I agree that you need a village to help raise a child. Even today, I still follow a lot of the things I learned in my PPD recovery: Time to yourself, sleep, exercise, love, friendship and getting out of the house. I am in a happy place finally! Thanks for your comment! 🙂
Wow, this is a powerful post–stunningly written. I’ve not had postpardum depression, but I have bipoar disorder. I will come back with a link to the post I did for Mental Health Awareness Month about my experience.
Thanks so much for sharing your story!
Kathy
My post about bipolar disorder is called “Leaving the Seclusion Room: Some Not-So-Crazy Notes on Recovering from Mental Illness.” I have a number of other posts about my journey, as well.
http://reinventingtheeventhorizon.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/leaving-the-seclusion-room-some-not-so-crazy-notes-on-recovering-from-mental-illness/
Kathy
Wow Kathy. I cannot believe your post. It is unbelievable. Did you create the art as well? What an unbelievable story. Thanks for sharing!
What’s the difference between regular depression and post-partum (besides obviously that PPD is after you have a baby)? I’ve suffered from depression since my early teens, never used medication as treatment, and never considered myself “cured” but consider the good times to be times when my depression is in “remission” kinda like cancer. Anyway, I just had a baby boy a little over a month ago, and I’m definately experiecing more than “the baby blues.” I already plan to talk to my doctor about this at my appointment next tuesday, but I want to know–how would I know (or the doctor know) whether it’s PostPartum Depression or my regular depression back? What’s the real difference?
Thank you.
Katy — great question! Our friend Katherine Stone at Post Partum Progress put together a PPD symptom list. She has the top blog on PPD, and I recommend it to everyone! Here is the link to her symptom list:
http://postpartumprogress.org/2011/02/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety/
Katherine takes the stigma away from suffering from PPD and really puts it out there like it’s normal, because…it is normal! So many mothers suffer from PPD in some shape or form. I hope you find her blog an interesting read!
Jen 🙂
Hi Katy: I want to respond personally to your question since I want to make sure to help anyone who may have PPD. Now when I look back at everything I believe I had suffered some depression and anxiety earlier in my life and it went full force after the birth of my child. Thus in my opinion I don’t think they are unrelated. As a new mom, you are isolated, exhausted and on complete hormone overload. It is extremely hard and if you have any previous experience to depression, I think it can easily move into PPD. Of course I’m not a doctor but most doctors especially OBs should be able to tell the difference and if not, I would strongly encourage you to see a specialist like either a psychologist or psychiatrist. Yes they sound scary but I found little help with my traditional OB and it took several phone calls and meetings to find the right help specializing in PPD. If you need medication, don’t worry one bit. I took it and it truly helped me overcome the crazy hormonal imbalances and anxiety attacks I was feeling. Get support and help and don’t feel shy about it! It took me a good four months but I have to say I am a stronger person today because of what I went through and the help I received! I also recommend the website but think getting help by a real person you can talk to is best! Please feel free to reach out to me personally too if you want support! There is a light at the tunnel! Things will be great!!! Just remember the first few months are very hard! 🙂
Take care! Nicole
Hi Nicole!
I hope that you still read this. I live in Minnesota as well. I am currently going through post partum depression. I had my son in December and didn’t realize until February that something was really wrong. I have not had much success with meds. I just started on a new med a few weeks ago. I am praying with everything in me that this one is the one. This has been a very long hard road with lots of bumps and mountains in the way. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Christine
Hi Christine:
Oh I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering from PPD still. I have a lot to say and help you with and would be happy to even talk to you over the phone. You can email me directly at: nmmelancon@yahoo.com.
However, in the meantime here are some pieces of advice to help you out.
1. If you are staying at home, sign up for an ECFE class. This is “Early CHildhood Education” which is offered at every school district in MN. It saved my life. It is where moms come and meet once a week with their babies in a nurturing environment. I did this 8 years ago and am still friends with all the moms! I continued to do ECFE with both kids (through Edina) until my youngest was 4. They even have “block time” where you can drop the baby off once a week for a few hours and get time to yourself.
2. Get help: I saw a professional psychologist who helped me work through the issues of anxiety and it truly helped. I have names if you need them. Also, get help from friends and family. You need time away from the baby!
3. Branch out: Half my problem was isolation. Getting involved in mom and baby classes or things just for you really helps.
4. Talk with your OBGYN: I was having a huge problem with hormones. I realized I could not nurse and be stable. Thus I quit breastfeeding after 6 weeks, went back on birth control pills (which I’m still on) and took medication to help with the anxiety. You have to be careful because some work and some don’t. Some also can give you a “high”. Thus it is important to work closely with a trained psychiatrist (Doc. Helen Kim in Minneapolis is amazing and only does PPD)!.
5. You can use the web: Postpartum Progress is an amazing blog and you can gain community by reading it and replying. Maybe you can even start a blog as that has helped me miraculously.
6. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll get through it! Find ways to do things you enjoy without the baby like exercise. Maybe join a health club where you can leave the baby.
It will get better! Just realize your not alone and seek help! Please email me if you want to talk. 🙂 Nicole
HI I was going untreated with postpartum depression while pregnant and had no idea. Once I had my son I started having all these thoughts that I couldn’t control I already hated myself and thought that my it would be better if I wasn’t here. I never felt so sad and low and my life and I’ve had a terrible childhood. I pulled away from everyone because I was a shame. I loved my son I just felt like I didn’t deserve to live. I didn’t think about how many people I would’ve hurt I just wanted out of this misery. As the weeks went by the thoughts became stronger and stronger and Unfortunately I acted on the thoughts and tried to take my son with me. I did go to jail I’m out on bail waiting for the final decisions. That happen late June and still unable to see my children. I wish I would have noticed the signs and got help.