“You get a year of maternity leave?!”
Her tone, and rightly so, was incredulous. I – a Canadian – was in Washington, DC, speaking at a conference. I was six months pregnant and the topic of maternity leave, for some reason I no longer recall, came up during the Q&A.
In the hall afterwards I ran into one of the women who had attended my session, and, as she was a new mom, we got on to the topic of babies and maternity leave in Canada versus the US.
I didn’t know anything then about what having a newborn was like. I dreaded sleep deprivation (oh, how little I knew how much I should dread it) and was in awe that this new mom, her baby only six weeks old, was already back at work. After she described her new routine – sleepless nights, pumping at work, and all that fun stuff – I had to ask.
“How do you cope?!”
She answered honestly. “I don’t, really. I’m exhausted.”
I recalled this conversation when my son was a few weeks old. I was breastfeeding and, yes, tired, but I was at home. And I had months ahead of me to bond with my baby and build that breastfeeding relationship, mostly in the privacy of my own home. I didn’t have to pump unless I wanted to try bottles. I didn’t have to deal with the angst of leaving my baby in someone else’s care. I didn’t have to attend conferences and attempt to learn something when my brain was barely functioning.
We’re lucky in Canada, I know. A year of maternity leave, especially if your employer tops up your salary even a little bit, is a gift. But I’ll be honest: for me it was really hard.
As noted in my writer interview, I had postpartum depression after my son was born. I didn’t know it though. I just thought I was angry all the time because I was so sleep deprived. My son was not quite colicky but he was really fussy, and I spent most of my time bouncing him to keep him calm. It was emotionally and physically exhausting and I started to wonder if I’d be better off going back to work.
I even tentatively approached my boss with the idea. He was open to it but pointed out that I could never get that time back. (Hmm, I thought. Do I want this time doing something that makes me feel like I’m going insane? But, in the end that truth won out – I wanted to be with my baby when he was small.)
My husband had taken four weeks of parental leave, which counted towards the 52 weeks we get in total, so I returned to work when my son was 11 months old and my husband became a stay-at-home dad. I had hoped more balance in my life would make me feel better and help me be the kind of mom I wanted to be. (It didn’t, but that’s another post.)
After all of that – being at home with my son while on maternity leave and then being a working mom – and trying to find my equilibrium in both roles, I still don’t know where that perfect balance is for me.
I’ve thought about maternity leave a lot as we ponder a second child. Maybe I would choose to go back sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t. I’m hoping next time would be a different experience – that I’d have better resources to deal with postpartum depression, and that, in the middle of the night when I feel like I can’t do it another day, I would remember that I have done it and will be able to again.
Either way, maternity leave with a second child would be a different experience because my husband is at home now. He may increase the freelance work he does, but our choice would be for him to continue being at home for the most part. It’s one of my strategies to prevent another bad bout of postpartum depression – to generally keep a 1:1 or 2:2 ratio. But, it also means we would get to do it together, and for that I’m grateful I have the choice to take that year of leave if I want it.
How much maternity leave does your country offer and how much did you take? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how it affected your experience as a new mother.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Robin Farr (MamaRobinJ) of Canada. She can also be found on her blog, Farewell, Stranger.
Photo credit to Rich Farr.
I used to do a fair bit of teleconferencing with an American colleague in my company, and I was astounded that she only got two weeks leave per year and only 6 weeks – unpaid! – for maternity leave.
In Australia, I am eligible to claim 12 months maternity leave in total, and 14 of those weeks are at full pay (or 28 weeks at half pay) – this is fairly standard for the public service and big companies. Small businesses obviously can’t offer the same conditions, so the Government has just introduced paid parental leave, which pays 18 weeks at the national minimum wage – about $500 per week (taxable).
I feel very lucky to have the flexibility and financial means to take that much time off, and have applied for 12 months with my second baby, however have indicated to my employer that I will consider after 6 months whether to return earlier. It’s incredibly reassuring to be able to have these kinds of choices during such a physically stressful and life changing period.
Exactly! Thanks for your comment. I find it so interesting that this varies so much from country to country, but I too appreciate having the choice.
Robin, so lovely to see you here at WMB!
I was extremely lucky that I was already ‘practicing’ to be a stay-at-home mother while pregnant. I basically quit my job to concentrate on getting pregnant and within a month of leaving my job, I did.
I do fortunately, know a little about maternity leave in Malaysia. It varies from 30 to 90 days, but definitely no more than 90, and it depends on the contract with one’s employer. This is what’s called ‘paid’ maternity leave, i.e. mom still gets full salary and all the benefits that go with it. I don’t know how flexible the law here is with regards to extensions in maternity leave, but as far as I know, most people I know are back at work within a month or two. I honestly cannot imagine doing so, which is why we’d decided I was going to stay home. I’m so lucky, I know.
“Practicing” – what a great idea! 😉 90 days doesn’t seem like long, but it’s better than nothing and great that it’s at full salary and benefits. Still, I can’t imagine being back at work after a month or two.
I went back to university full-time and then became pregnant with my first. Then, I was already a stay-at-home mom by the time I was pregnant with my second. So, I never had a maternity leave.
In the US I’ve seen moms really struggle emotionally with having to go back and moms that do just fine, but I can’t speak from experience.
I’m glad you shared your story about feeling that one year felt too long for you. We’re all so different in what we choose and what we feel, but in the end, we all do our best to make the best decisions for our children and our lives.
And, it’s neat when we speak to someone who felt the same things through our posts.
Great post, Robin!!
Jen 🙂
Thanks, Jen! I wondered whether I was cut out for it, and the source of the hard stuff took my by surprise. I know other moms in Canada who didn’t take their full leave – some because they wanted to be back at work and some because they split the leave with their partners. Nice to have the choice!
I live in the United States and the laws are different for different states, but in general your employer must guarantee that you still have a job after 12 weeks. So most women take that. They do not have to pay you – at least in my state (Virginia). I’ve heard of differences other places, but that may just be a company’s policy. Most companies have short term disability that you can take for 6-8 weeks and then people usually take either unpaid leave or use up sick/vacation time.
When I had my first child, I felt great. I loved being home with her. I remember going to my 6 week follow up visit with my OB and she asked all the questions to probe my emotions and such. I told her I was feeling wonderful…and I was.
However, when I went back to work? Whole other story. At my 4 month check up I cried in her office when she asked me the same questions.
There was just so many feelings. I felt guilty for leaving my child. I felt overwhelmed. I felt tired.
Anyway, that was the toughest part of post partum for me…going back to work, because juggling life was just too hard. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide under my covers.
With my second child, I did not have those issues. I still felt a twang of guilt. I felt tired and overwhelmed, but I knew better how to deal with it.
I hate that the laws in the US aren’t more supportive of mothers. Personally, I don’t feel like 12 weeks is long enough to get a routine established. You need more time to get back on your feet and feel “normal” again. Plus, a lot of women don’t take even that because of lack of pay. I feel like if we’re given 12 weeks it should at least be paid.
But just my personal opinion. Great post.
Thanks, Jaime. That was sort of my understanding of leave in the US. I really can’t imagine going back to work after 6 weeks. I had a c-section and could barely walk normally at 6 weeks, never mind all the rest of it. And the emotional side just breaks my heart. I can imagine how hard it would be to leave your new baby. So glad your second time was better.
I too am in Canada, and I relished all of those months of maternity leave. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped going back to work sooner. As it happened, I stopped working just a few months after I went back, and so when my younger son was born I was already a stay-at-home mom, although I have since started working again.
Great post!
Kirsten
Thanks, Kirsten! I remember when it went from 6 months to a year of mat leave here (in 2000, I think). A friend had her baby literally a day or two before the change so she only got 6 months. How frustrating!
I live in the U.S. I took 8 weeks off. I laugh at that though because rather than finding a replacement for me for my leave of absence, I continued to work from home and go into the office for a few hours a few days a weeks with my baby to be sure things were kept up. On the plus side? I continued to be paid. On the negative? I didn’t get that whole maternity leave experience and my own PPD kicked in when I went back to work full time leaving my baby at home with my husband, also a SAHD while he attends school at night. It’s hard. I have three children total. We manage, somehow.
I remember you saying that, Pamela. Sometimes there’s just no right balance.
Hi Robin: Wonderful post! I agree, we in the US have WAY too little time off for maternity leave. It is crazy. I don;t understand how anyone can function at 6 weeks post delivery. It is torture in a sense to ask a woman to return to work so exhausted and not even recovered from the delivery. But what do you do?
I also see where you are coming from. Being alone, with the baby day in and day out is exhausting, difficult and lonely. I strongly believe that played a part in my PPD. Women need a village to raise a child, not isolation! I think you are very lucky to have your husband at home. For me, I used the help of constant sitters, my mother and mother-in-law, and also didn’t breastfeed too long with my second so I could have my hubby help at night with bottles to ensure I got enough sleep and didn’t get as sleep deprived as I did last time around. My second birth was so much better too. I knew what I was doing, the baby slept more and I was more relaxed. Great post and always know that you have us Mom friends to chat with about PPD and all those other things. Support is the best thing ever! 🙂
I totally agree about all of that! Thanks for your comment 🙂
As you know, Robin, I’m in Canada. I too took the full year – right till the very last second, and I cried and cried when it was time to go back.
But.
For that entire year I struggled with PPD
Work saved me. Connecting with people, having a goal and accomplishing my work, feeling important at work (instead of like a maid) felt great!
I am not a SAHM and maternity leave really made me see that.
However, when I do it again (which petrifies me) I will take the year again so i can bond with my child.
I know how much you dreaded going back to work and I can’t tell you how glad I am that it’s been a positive thing for you. I’m totally with you though – the thought of another year of leave with a new baby freaks me out, but I still think I’d want that time.
I chose to be a stay at home mom so didn’t have to deal with maternity leave per se. BUT being a stay at home mom is HARD and I actually took on work projects after my first and started my own biz and now blog after my 2nd. I think its a blessing to be able to have at least one parent with the child for as long as possible but I don’t think it has to be the mom unless she wants it to be. Of course it makes breastfeeding easier to be home, but us mamas need to be happy to. There needs to be a balance. BUT that said Canada is AWESOME for making parenthood and children a priority in that way.
Cristi, I totally agree with you. This year alone there were at least 3 fairly high up men where I work who took parental leave. Some families I know split it 50-50 (so 6 months each). Whatever works for the family. My husband always wanted to be a SAHD, even before I was pregnant, and I always figured I wouldn’t want to stay at home. I know now that I don’t, and probably actually couldn’t. What I really like is seeing SAHMs who admit they need more to be fulfilled and doing something about it. I think the important thing is to make the choice that’s right for you. (And if that’s “just” staying at home – which is so much work and love and dedication in itself – that’s fine too.)
But yeah, whatever the mix, I think it needs to be supported and we do at least get that.
Wow!!! What a wonderful maternity leave!!!
I was in graduate school when I was pregnant with my first and didn’t have a job, so I didn’t deal with maternity leave that time around.
With my 2nd, I was home, but I was teaching online. They gave 4 weeks unpaid and when you returned, you could start with less hours. My plan was to slowly take on more hours, but when my 4 weeks were up, I had to give 2 weeks working notice. My husband could not handle our 2 year old and a new born while I was teaching. It was just too stressful for him. He was in graduate school and working at the time. Had I been given a little more time, I would have taken it. Instead, I left the company, but returned a year later when we had things a bit more together. Even though I was teaching from home, I had to be in a quiet room without distractions. The plus side was that I could do it in my pj’s, but the downside was that I had 3 people at the door who wanted my attention and 2, sometimes 3, of them crying for me.
For the most part, I have been a stay-at-home mom, but for some of that time, I have also worked from home. There was a span of 6 months where I worked out of the home. That was a blur from the exhaustion and juggling that took place!! I prefer to be a stay-at-home mom.
I have to admit that this made me laugh, just a little: “2, sometimes 3, of them crying for me.” So true. All of us – moms, dads, whoever – get to a point where it’s just too much.
Even though you had a lot of change and some juggling to do, it’s great that you found an option that you prefer.
As other moms above have said, our employers have to keep our jobs (although they do not have to guaranty the position) for 12 weeks here in the US. I am lucky enough that I work for a small firm who had never had a to deal with US maternity leave until I came along with my first. I took the 12 weeks (and negotiated that they would pay me 25% of my salary during that time) and then took a couple of weeks vacation time after that. They let me come back to work slowly… first I worked from the office 2 days a week, and from home 3 days, a few months later it switched, and I kept that routine until I had my second child (at which point I took the same 3 months leave, but had accrued a month of vacation (so that I basically was off for 4 months). I have now revamped my work schedule so that I work from the office 3 days a week, from home 1, and have “mommy Fridays” which are the best thing EVER! I do have to say, I cried my first day back at the office, both times (even though my mother watches the kids when I am in the office). It’s still hard emotionally for me, but I do need that time away from them as well, to actually “think” and use my brain a little. 🙂
I know exactly what you mean. It’s hard to leave, but feels so much better when you get what you need as well. Sounds like you have a great balance!
What a great post! I live in California, USA, where we probably have one of the most generous maternity leave policy in our country. As Jamie mentioned above – the law are different in state to state. When I was pregnant with my first, I was working for a large corporation. I was paid during my leave based on the number of years working for the corporation. And by law, was given 20 weeks leave. I was paid for 3 months (all or a portion of my salary) during that time. I then gave notice that I would not be returning. But in fact, went back when my daughter was 6 months old and my husband lost his job. I then quit again when he found work and my daughter was 1. I have enjoyed being a SAHM ever since but…fast forward 3 years…here I am at the same company doing the same work as a part-time contractor covering two of my friends successive maternity leaves. My girls are now almost 2 and almost 4 and I enjoy going to work 3 days a week and enjoy being home with them the rest. It was an easy desicision to do contract work b/c I know it is not permanent – I didn’t have to worry about making the “wrong” choice for our family. I look forward to each (work and home) for different reasons. As someone mentioned above, I get to use the potty alone 🙂 I work for many moms and I don’t know how the do it 5 days a week. For now, I feel like I have the almost perfect mix (nothing is ever perfect!).
Wow, totally great mix! That would totally appeal to me too.
Hi Robin,
I am embarrassed to say it, but I don’t actually know what the current time spent in maternity leave is here in New Zealand. It was all new when I had our first son, nine and a half years ago. I am pretty sure that I had around three months on partial pay…
It does seem an unnatural position for us to be placed in: having to choose between work and looking after our children.
It does, doesn’t it? There’s really no easy choice, unless you want to stay at home and can afford to do that. Otherwise something else has to give (and even SAHMs have their own struggles, I know).
My Rainbow is 8 months. I am counting down the months til I return to work. 1 year is a lot, and yet I feel I haven’t had enough time. I feel so selfish.
I know exactly what that feels like. Sort of wishing you could stop time, but not really.
When my girls turned 1 and it had been a year since I left my job, I could not imagine going back. It was already so much in the past, I can’t imagine going back to work an trying to catch up on things. In the US it varies, but like someone said above, the Family Medical Leave Act guarantees your job for 12 weeks — if you have and issue come up that keeps you out a smidge longer and you have a considerate employer, then they can “terminate” you and hire you back as if you never left. So basically at my job, we used up what personal time off we had first (12 wks or less, paid), then we could take the rest as FMLA (unpaid). So if our PTO was 10 weeks, we could then take the remaining 2 weeks unpaid as FMLA.
A year is a really long time and I wondered how it would be going back. Lots of things had changed at my work, and I actually went back to a promotion, but I got caught up pretty fast and after a while it felt like I hadn’t left (except for that whole baby thing). I think in Canada your employer just has to guarantee you a similar job. Most people I know go back to the same job, but not all.
Here in Brazil you get between 4 and 6 months paid maternity leave depending on where you live and if you are in private or public service). Plus if you are allowed breaks for breastfeeding (I think two, but I’m not sure). When I had my first son I was finishing my master’s and had a fellowship, which ended when he was 5 months old. Then I started working for a nonprofit, which was quite flexible about working from home, taking my son on trips etc. Now with my baby girl (who is turning 6 months) I am finishing my doctorate and a new law gave me the right to 4 months maternity leave without losing my fellowhship. The good thing is that I can stay at home most of the time because I’m basically just writing my thesis.
BTW, I once went to a lecture by a doctor who presented the results of several studies around the world showing that countries with the longest maternity leaves had the lowest rates of violence, problems with drugs, etc.
I totally credit mat leave for saving me from depression. Going back to work has been such a difficult change for me!