“I don’t see color. Everyone is exactly the same in my eyes.” My heart sinks at the mere thought of these words that were considered best practice when I was in the classroom.
As teachers, we discussed treating all students the same way- because it sounded right, and should have felt right. They’re all the same! I love them all! I’m equitable, dammit!
But, as I was leaving the classroom to stay at home with my children, this trend was ending. It ended because it was wrong.
Fact is, we are different. We come in varying sizes and shapes and colors and learning styles and languages and beliefs, and it’s absolutely wonderful. It’s what makes the world go round.
And the other fact is? That our children do notice differences and they’re wired to categorize their learned information into ingrained facts.
They do this no matter what.
They do it if we ignore their questions about the boy in the wheelchair or shoosh their explanation of the girl in the burka or divert their attention from the family with darker skin- they’re not listening to us.
Instead, they’re making their own immature and often uninformed categorizations of people. Categories that can lead to false assumptions, otherwise known as stereotypes. Or racism.
In my last WMB column I wrote about reasons to not overuse compliments. The running theme in the comments, on twitter, and on facebook was: You must read the book Nurture Shock!
Why? Because amongst many other topics, it broaches racism and what happens when we don’t talk about it.
By not discussing differences and their origins with our children, we’re sending strong messages; Most that we don’t mean.
Nurture Shock was already on my mind when I went to Book Club last month, and you know what? It came up there, too.
Between bites of hummus and sips of Baccardi razz, here’s what I learned from my friend Mary who had just read the book:
- Listen to your children’s thoughts and observations.
- Verbally notice differences in skin color, language, and culture and explain the whys behind them. “People from this part of the world…”
- Help children classify by fact rather than assumption. “This color skin means your pigment…” Turn to resources together.
- It’s completely okay to approach your children with this discussion. You don’t have to wait for them to bring it up.
- Repeat. This is not a one time conversation. Revisit and reinforce your ‘lil hearts out. It’ll make their hearts grow bigger and we all want that, don’t we?
As Mary explained the premise, our friend Jen breathed a sigh of relief. She knew what to say to her son who was being picked on at school and developing a fear of light haired people. She could comfortably explain hair color and genetics separately from behavior and choices.
Mary’s own a-ha moment came just a few days later while reading with her son.
When looking at a photograph of a dark skinned, perfectly manicured foot with the words, “The foot is clean.” written beneath it, his response was, “That’s not a clean foot.”
Mary knew that he was using what he knew about dirty feet- and as a bug loving, critter chasing, mud playing little guy- he knew a thing or two about dirty feet.
She also knew that he was classifying. And without a little intervention, this could lead to negative, wrong assumptions about people of color and cleanliness.
What happened next will give you chills, I promise.
Mary realized that without learning what she had about children and how they organize information, she would have felt embarrassed and uncomfortable and wanted the conversation to just go away.
Instead, she talked to her son about skin color and pigment and regions while her heart was thumping BIG because she knew exactly how pivotal this conversation was.
So, after Jen and Mary had their first Nurture Shock moments with their children, I looked for mine. I waited and listened, eavesdropped and considered planting the dialogue.
And, just when I thought that my children truly hadn’t noticed color yet, Kayli finally mentioned a classmate’s “chocolate brown skin.” And Chloe piped in with, “just like so-and-so from school.” Ah, yes: noticing.
I could have shooshed them or told them that color doesn’t matter or that we’re all the same on the inside. But that’s not the truth now, is it? We are different. And, it’s more than okay. It’s perfection.
So, I asked if the girls knew why their friends’ skin looked different than theirs, and we talked about pigment and origin, and I breathed out because if there’s one thing that I want my children doing- it’s noticing.
And the second thing? Is discussing that noticing with me.
What do you think about the premise of noticing differences? Have you done this with your children? Will you now?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Galit Breen. On any given day Galit can be found juggling one husband, three children, one puggle, and one lap top. Galit can be reached regularly at These Little Waves, by e-mail galitbreen@gmail.com, Twitter, and Facebook.
Photo credit to the author.
As someone who grew up in South Africa during the tail-end of Apartheid, I find this post really interesting, and so true. Racism was mandated by the government, and I remember seeing the police load black people into vans and drive them away simply because they were in the wrong neighbourhood without a pass – terrible, terrible stuff. Despite the laws of the day, me and most of my peers were raised to abhor racism. None of us, and none of our parents supported Apartheid. But still, kids back then – whether black, white, or any other colour – grew up with a fear of ethnicities not their own. Our parents, who had grown up during an even more warped time than we had, did their best – but they could have done with a post like this to help them through! In the end though, I feel that growing up in South Africa, witnessing the dismantling of Apartheid, and voting in the first democratic election open to all, is something truly special. I feel like I was a part of some amazing history.
It is somehow fitting that this post was published on the birthday of one of South Africa’s greats – Nelson Mandela.
Kirsten
Great post, Galit! I’ve definitely been making a conscious effort to point out differences in people to my daughter and having open discussions at 4 years old on the subject, only since reading the book.
What I found most interesting about this chapter in Nurture Shock is that just raising children in a multicultural environment is not enough. Conversations must be had. And, according to the research they stated, children in more multicultural schools tended to hang out with the children most similar to them, so they were even less likely to accept diversity than children in homogeneous environments. That was an eye-opener to me.
(And, Kirsten — how cool about today being Mandela’s birthday!)
Jen 🙂
Jen! Thanks so much for your comment! I love that you’re already doing this with your daughter!
I also thought what you wrote about children hanging out with those most similar to them was so tell-tale.
As a teacher I’ve observed this, too. I wonder how those kinds of changes can be finessed through dialogue much like *you’re* already having with your daughter!
Kirsten! I am so touched by your comment- it’s so rich with history and learning. And the fact that it’s Mandela’s birthday today? Well that’s just kismet, isn’t it?
I really love what you wrote about parents doing their best given where they are. That’s what we all hope we do, isn’t it?
Thanks so much for your words!
Thanks for the interesting post, Galit! It is impossible to avoid this topic here in the country we live. Brazil is extremely multicultural, with people having multiple backgrounds (my family is a living example!), however there is still a lot of veiled racism. Our first son is lighter skinned like me, but our baby daughter is brown like my husband; when I go to smaller, more conservative towns I get a lot of comments like “don’t worry, she will lighten up as she grows older” – people just assume my being light-skinned I would prefer my daughter to be so too. It is actually fun to tell people it’s fine for me that she is that color! 🙂
Andrea! That is so interesting what people presume, and what they say. Good for you for opening the conversation with them; but more importantly for your daughter!
Thanks so very much for your comment!
My a-ha moment was when my son was coloring a picture of a boy recently. We are white, and my son picked brown to color the boy’s skin, telling me he wanted the boy in the picture to look like his preschool friend, who is Indian with dark brown skin. So we talked about the different kids in the class, how they look, talk, dress..what they eat…where they travel (because his class is way more diverse than those I grew up in. The kids are all going off to visit family in other countries, speak multiple languages, celebrating different holidays, and the teachers do a great job of talking about all this in a positive way), and I thought it was such a great opportunity for he and I to talk about it. It’s not that he doesn’t notice differences, but by allowing him to dicuss these differences and play side by side with so many different kids, the differences are a cool thing. We also had a wonderful opportunity come up when we met a man in an electronic wheelchair in a park. My son was 3 at the time, and also a super techy-vehicle junkie, so of course he was fascinated..staring, pointing, asking loud questions. So I talked to him about why that man was in the chair, and the man caught wind of it and came up to also let my son see his chair and ask questions about how it works. This nice man also saw an opportunity and welcomed it. When everyone is open to discussing these things, it does seem to break down barriers. Great post!
Tara, I love all of the conversations that you’re already having with your son- he’s so very lucky to experience that!
What you wrote at the end there- about breaking down barriers with open-ness- is perfection!
Thanks so much for weighing in!
Interesting topic, Galit. Malaysia is multicultural and we grew up here being aware of the differences in race, religion and culture. It’s been ingrained in us that people *are* different, and that instead of judging, we embrace. That is not to say racism does not exist. It does, and sometimes, it does not end well. It’s still a work-in-progress.
My son is of mixed race, mixed culture, and I hope with his rich heritage, he will learn to notice, to question, to learn, to embrace, to be open. And I hope we as parents do justice to that heritage.
Alison, thanks so much for your comment! I love what you wrote about everything being a work-in-progress. That right there is a sign of good things! If we feel like we’ve “arrived” then we’re no longer changing with time, experience, etc.
Your little guy? Is so very lucky to have such thoughtful aware parents like you!
XO
I also think this is a great post, Galit. Yes, we’ve had many a-ha moments with our boys with regards to appearances and life-styles – some before I read Nurture Shock and many more since. It certainly seems to have been *the* book of the year.
Hi Karyn! Thanks so much for your comment! And yes, amazing book and a widespread read!
Galit,you hit the nail on the head. It’s easy to ignore racism. It’s easy to say it doesn’t exist, but let’s be honest, it does.
My kids have many different backgrounds and it is difficult at times because they don’t always feel welcomed in a certain group. I teach them to look at the world and ask why God would make a mistake in creating different people.
I also had an a-ha moment years ago when my daughter (5 at the time) added brown to all her rainbows. I kept telling her that brown was not one of the colours. A while later I heard her say…”mommy is brown, daddy is white and I am orange…I added brown to the rainbow so that mommy can be in it…”
To be honest, it didn’t make any sense to me because White is not a colour in the rainbow either, but I understood that she was trying to make sense of our family.
Thanks for sharing this great post.
Hi Salma! Thanks so much for weighing in here. Your story gave me chills. Kids can be so amazing and thoughtful! That, of course, reflects their upbringing- so many kudos to you!
Hi,
Found your blog via twitter. I’m from India and this country is a playground of multiple cultures, castes and languages. People here are tolerant in general but the the biases and pejudices do surface in a negative way when an opportunity presents itself.
Very genuine thoughts in your article. And yes, I agree too – that we cannot afford to not talk about the differences. Our kids notice them and they will form their own conclusions if we do not talk to them about it and don’t give them the opportunity to appreciate and even love those differences.
I have read Nurture Shock, too and I think this book is a must-read.
Very recently, I shared a post on a similar topic – multi-cultural learning. You may read it for it touches upon this subject.
http://mommylabs.gorgeouskarma.com/art_craft_projects_kids/growing-up-in-a-multi-cultural-learning-environment/
Hi Rashmie, thanks so much for your comment! I love that we live many miles away from each other but reading the same books, thinking similar parenting thoughts! That’s just amazing, really!
Thank you also for sharing your article!! I look forward to reading it!
I really hate to say this because I think the author here has the absolute very best of intentions, but I think the mindset she has does a lot more harm than she thinks. In fact I would argue it actually *fosters* racism (again, unintentionally).
Since when is treating people equally, regardless of their skin color or what they look like, “wrong”?
There’s a difference between skin color/appearances and behavior/actions/character, and I hope that it’s pointed out to young minds that while people might look differently, appearances are NOT what matters. What counts is how someone behaves, acts, talks and — most importantly — treats other people.
Hi Mike, Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I know *exactly* what you mean- I felt the exact same way as a new teacher!
But two things-
The first {about the treating people equally that you mentioned} is that not every student/ child/ person needs the same thing. So to wash over everyone with the same “stuff” isn’t right. IE: The child who didn’t have breakfast that morning, or has anxiety, or a learning disability needs different things during the day than another. Also? Different people, from various cultures and backgrounds, have different learning styles, behaviors, ways of talking, so to teach them in the same way is ineffective.
My principal used to say “Fair means everyone gets what they need.” I use that with my children.
The second {about the behavior and appearance that you wrote about} is, indeed, the point. Children categorize based on what they see; it becomes “fact” to them. So we talk about skin color being because of pigment, and behavior being because of circumstance and decision so they don’t get it muddled.
Hmm- I wonder if this is any clearer? But I so appreciate this dialogue! Thank you, again, for your words!
Hi Galit – Yes! Great dialogue.
Please know that I’m speaking completely about social mores here, as opposed to how we each choose to raise our children in our own homes (which is completely up to moms and dads.)
I guess what I’m saying is that I completely disagree with your belief that children should be treated differently based on their “needs.” (I’m of course not talking about disabled or special-needs children, who certainly DO need different attention.)
The “we all have different needs” relativism at best leads to resentment and even ridicule between kids (Ex. Why does Jimmy get an extra 15 minutes to finish the quiz, but I don’t? Oh. Because Jimmy is “different.” Or because Jimmy’s parents have a different belief system about the concept of “time” than we do.) and at worst leads to the setting up of failure and disappointment for later in life. (Ex. Deadlines exist for a reason. If you don’t meet them, there are consequences, regardless of who you are, where you’re from, what your skin color is, how much money your parents make, or what religion they practice. The sooner all future-adults learn this, the better off they all will be. 100% of them.)
I’m sure you agree with the ideal that we are all to be treated equally under the law (regardless of whether you think it is the case or not in practice, it is an ideal). Why shouldn’t we treat people equally, always, in all aspects of society? Furthermore, who gets to decide who “needs” more or less from the rest of us?
Again, you’re certainly 100% free to teach your own children whatever you like, but If I found out a principal of one of my public schools was preaching a “to each according to his needs” mantra, that would certainly be a topic of discussion at our next school board meeting! :-]
My friend said something profound in reaction to two parents in Canada who were raised their children to be “genderless” (which admittedly undermines my earlier comment about how we are each free to raise our kids as we each see fit): “Life is about prepping your children to one day have the confidence to make their own statements. It is not about using your children to make a statement of your own.”
Mike and Galit,
I’d like to see more teachers/school administrators weigh in on your conversation here. It would be interesting to read more real-life examples, case studies, of what worked, what didn’t and why.
I have never taught children, so I am naive in that I have never had those responsibilities or experiences. But, I have heard, been taught and read that humans do learn best in different ways. So, if an educator is reaching out with the attempts to get more of their students to understand and learn, and the children learn in different ways, then I have difficulty applying the theory that educators should treat all human children the exact same in this respect.
That being said, I think we can also alleviate the assumptions children make about why children are being treated differently by explaining these differences more openly with the children. This is an example of how we can apply the theory about race in the Nurture Shock book to behavioral differences, as well as, physical differences.
I don’t admit to having all the answers, but I hope, like I encourage everyone to feel free to do here, to take my best shot at contributing to the discussion from my own experiences and feelings. 🙂
Jen 🙂
Hi Mike- Thanks so much for your words.
I hear you- in theory. But my experience in the classroom was that the blanket methodology just didn’t work. Children of color {and children from low SES} were often mislabeled as behaviors and special ed within the equality for everyone code. And something needed to change.
I really liked what Jen had to say about the open conversations with kids explaining differences to alleviate the negative feelings that you described- really in line with the thoughts in Nurture Shock.
If my child doesn’t need an extra 15 minutes for a test I in no way want it for her/him nor would I begrudge someone else of that time in the name of equality. But I would explain to my kids the whys and whats to avoid the negative assumptions that they might make.
Thanks again for weighing in here- I so appreciate it!
“By fair, everyone gets what they need” doesn’t mean that some kids lose out. It means a lot of things. Teachers teach in various ways, to reach all kids. Schools offer free and reduced breakfast and lunch, so those who need it, can have it. It means that there are a variety of extra curriculum classes, so those kids that like art, sports, music, etc, can have that in their life. It exposes all kids to everything, but they have choices. It is kind of like a buffet. We all get what we want and need.
Let me say that this is how I interpret that phrase. If I am wrong or if there is something else to that, then please share with me.
Mike, you have me laughing with the comment about Jimmy’s parents having a different belief system about the concept of time. 🙂 I know some people who live in their own time zone so this just cracked me up!
I read about the couple from Canada who is raising their children genderless. I couldn’t agree more with the statement from your friend. I just hope these people are saving money for the therapy that their genderless kids will need.
I don’t see a problem with kids getting different based on needs. After all, don’t we have G&T/AP classrooms, Honors classrooms, Standard learning classrooms, and Special Needs classrooms in every school?
I was in AP classes. I would not have suceeded well in any other classroom. The Standard learning student would also not have suceeded in my AP classes. That’s life. That’s not unfair. That’s helping every child suceed.
In my humble opinion.
My three girls – 15, 7, 6 are nearly colorblind. Race is not a touchy subject. They socialize with people of all creed and color. When we talk about race with my teenage daughter she is shocked at the prejudice and bigotry her mom and I delt with. WE are only 20 or so years older than her.
My daughetrs’ generation doesnt talk about race AT ALL. I’m not saying things are perfect but I think we shoudl learn from our children.
I want to read that book.
It is so important to talk to our kids about this and help them navigate the complexities of race and culture.
Thanks for summarizing all those great points!
Oh Galit…great conversation, so glad I popped in.
I am a teacher…and I teach in an inclusion classroom, so I have mixed abilities, and some students have been diagnosed with disabilities. And I love to talk to, discuss and enrich my students who live in a rural community about all kinds of people and our differences. We have had wonderful and deep conversations, and it is my guess that they could teach a few adults about recognizing and celebrating our differences in culture, beliefs, color….and abilities.
You would love to see them recognize the student who is autistic, knowing how she doesn’t like change and has trouble socializing as the others do. And she feels comfortable enough talking and explaining her differences with them. They understand why this child needs extra time, or this one needs to use a color overlay, that this one needs a multiplication chart…etc. etc. And not all these needs are based on a diagnosed learning problem…it is just good teaching. Why would I allow a child to sit and be unsuccessful…I have to meet them where they are, and take them as far as we can go. And, why not talk about our differences and help others to understand while we do.
I see them as having this conversation with a little more understanding than we do today. At least I hope so. I hope they learn to live within a world of differences with an openness and honesty and respect for one another.
Lance – I notice the same thing with the middle and high school youth groupers at my church, and I see this as a very encouraging sign about this upcoming generation: race is less and less important to them. In other words, they DO seem to be more colorblind than us Gen X/Baby Boomers (I’m 36 for the record).
With all due respect to Galit, I don’t see colorblindness as a “trend that has ended.” On the contrary, it is an ideal that this younger generation seems to get more than the multiculturalists of the last two decades (which itself I think is a fading trend thankfully on its way out.)
I think Morgan Freeman said it best in an interview with Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes years ago, when he was asked “How do we get rid of racism?” His answer was profound yet so very simple:
“Stop talking about it.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeixtYS-P3s
I think I might have an advantage over the majority of moms because my kids are biracial. Skin color, family origins and different languages are all part of our daily conversations. We are also strangely lucky in that my kids have spent a lot of time in physical therapy at our local childrens’ hospital, so I’ve been able to very naturally speak to my them about persons with disabilities. I hope that growing up while surrounded by such diversity will help them become open-minded and compassionate adults.
Galit I love your post and it touched me dearly! Not only is my son multi-racial, multi-cultural and multi-religious we are living in a foreign country that belongs to neither my husband or I. We are the ones that are different and we try to explain to our son his differences as well as those of his friends since he goes to an International school. I used to wish to raise my son to not notice differences and see everyone the “same” and it wasn’t until we were put into this situation that I realized I want him to notice and embrace others’ differences; not pretend they don’t exist!
In the thick of raising 3 extremely astute children (6, 4, 3) I have been wondering what is the “right way” to handle these questions – thank you for this very insightful and timely answer.
This has truly changed the way I will be fielding questions about diversity in this household.
Bravo!
First off…Mike, if Morgan Freeman shares the same opinion as you and that is why you posted that video, then that is one thing. The fact that he is Morgan Freeman, doesn’t add any extra weight to his opinion, as far as I am concerned.
I hear what you both are saying, though. I don’t want you to think that your view falls on deaf ears. Do I think we should go around identifying people by the color of their skin all the time? No. Do I think ignoring it will make our society a better, more accepting place? No.
The fact is, we are all different and alike. Not talking about things doesn’t make it go away or stop the questions in people’s minds. My kids have asked questions about other races, nationalities, languages, disabilities, weight, etc. I answer them and we talk about what is the same about us, too. I don’t want anything to be taboo.
I don’t want my kids walking around sayings things like, “That fat white man was talking to that skinny black lady and her tattooed Asian friend.” I think that accentuates the characteristics more than the person. Are there times when someone should be described just as they look? Sure. Are there times when we have no other choice, but to explain somone by how they look? Sure.
I think the same thing can be said about people with disabilities. We don’t say, “The wheelchair kid.” We refer to the person 1st, as they are more important. At some point, we may have to say, “The boy in the wheelchair,” but I am sure he doesn’t always want to be called that, since he has a name and the wheelchair doesn’t define him.
Now, with all that being said, our characteristics do play a role in who we are and we can’t ignore that. If I am in a wheelchair or if I have one leg, that does affect my life and who I am, but I am more than that. If I am white, black, brown, etc, than that has also affected who I am and my experiences. It is not me entirely, but it is a part of me. There are some physical differences that we can control and there are some that we cannot, but they all affect who we are.
Singling out one characteristic and labelling people by that one feature can have a negative affect if that is the only way you see people. By talking about what we have in common and what is different, broadens our view on people. Every race has a melting pot of people with all kinds of interests.
Now as far as the teaching methods that were mentioned, I think the point of what was said was lost somewhere. We want to teach in different ways, so we can reach all kids. This means combining audio, visual, kinesthetic, etc. Some people learn best by doing. Some need to see it. Others need to hear it. If I am a kinesthetic learner, than that method will probably reach me the most, but I will get something out of the other methods. This approach changed the traditional classroom setting where all students sit at a desk all day, but it changed for a reason. It isn’t perfected, but it is improving. My point in all this is that as we try to reach all people, we have to understand their differences and respect them. I think that was along the lines as what was said earlier.
I taught in a school where I was in the 1% minority. I went into the situation thinking that kids were kids and there were no differences. I was wrong, to some degree. There were cultural differences and I had to open myself up to see them and understand them, or I would have failed those kids. I had to relate to the kids and them to me.
Great comments Maggie – we’re saying a lot of the same things. I don’t think either of us believes in the extreme of either side (in other words, I don’t think you believe that people should be categorized *solely* on their appearances, while I don’t believe that we should be 100% color-BLIND.) We just probably disagree on how much emphasis should be placed on our differences, as opposed to what unites us.
We had a saying in the Army (which for the record integrated two decades before the rest of America, and has a rich record of people of all socio-economic backgrounds and racial makeups serving alongside one another.) “We’re all green.” Meaning, we’re all soldiers, DESPITE our differences. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think differences should be ignored, I just think they should not be emphasized as much as Galit, or you, or most of the people responding here. And yes, I do agree with Morgan Freeman in that we should talk *less* about race in the country, not more. I do NOT believe that talking about race MORE, and focusing on our differences, somehow leads to racial harmony (for evidence of this, see Susan’s divisive comment below about Galit’s photo choice).
But back to kids: I’ve done great arts presentations in our elementary schools for years, and the kids occasionally argue about what they see in the famous paintings I bring in. Last year on a whim, on the way out of the classroom one day while I was packing up, I asked if the kids were watching the NBA playoffs. Two kids (for the record one was hispanic, one was white) who 20 seconds earlier were disagreeing vehemently about the painting I was showing simultaneously shouted “Go Bulls!” There was a pause, the classroom laughed, and they looked at each other, both surprised, and laughed as well. They had something in common! THAT warmed my heart.
Mike,
I have been following the discussion. The theme seems to be the same for everyone: racial harmony, and we have different ways of how to go about it, which I accept.
However, I am having difficulty finding the strength in your comment: “I do NOT believe that talking about race MORE, and focusing on our differences, somehow leads to racial harmony (for evidence of this, see Susan’s divisive comment below about Galit’s photo choice).”
The number of comments of parents in response to this article with positive views on the topic far outweigh this one comment.
Jen 🙂
Talking breaks down barriers and misconceptions. Hiding something just feeds the problem. No one feels like they are listened to or understood.
Much fighting goes on because people don’t tal and don’t take the time to listen.
What I’m saying is that if you take the “let’s keep talking about what makes us different” argument to it’s logical conclusion, it brings you to something like what Susan said: making a snap and irrational judgment about someone based *solely* on appearances. And by continuing to emphasize the classification of people BY their skin color and racial (or religious) make-up, as opposed to the content of their character, it leads to racial-chest thumping (from ALL races) and discord. In the worst case scenario, it can lead to the Balkanization of society — the exact opposite of racial harmony.
I wholeheartedly agree with your first comment Jen: we all want racial harmony; we just disagree with how to get there.
I maintain that focusing on what unites us gets us closer to that than focusing on what divides us.
Yes, but Mike, the point is that we are responding to the observations that our children are making. We are not saying, let’s all get together just to point out our differences. We’re saying that when a difference is pointed out, how are we, as parents, going to handle it? Actually, I used “we” because of the support from the comments and the post, but perhaps, you can reread those sentences with me saying “I” instead of “We”, so I am not talking for everyone.
I feel that not talking about something can LEAD humans to stereotype. I want to see children be inquisitive, be analytical, have open minds and make informative decisions based on fact and their experiences. See my reply to Susan. She was unable to support her comments, and I’ve mentioned that to her. If she could be more analytical and support her statements with us, then we can all start talking intelligently about why she has said what she has said. I feel that even though, you and I, see different paths to racial harmony, we are able to explain why we feel the way we feel. And, we are both mature enough to agree that we disagree on our paths there. And, perhaps most important, is that all those who have commented seem to want racial harmony, including Susan. 🙂
Jen
Thanks, Mike. I agree that the person matters 1st and foremost. I want good people in my life. It doesn’t matter to me what color or nationality they are. When I talk about recognizing our differences, it is not to separate people in any way. I think the more you learn about someone, the more you understand them. I have friends with all different backgrounds, but that is not how I classify them or why I am friends with them. I don’t say, “my German friend…” or my “friend with the hearing aide….” But, if my children were to ask about a hearing aid, for example, I would talk with them about it. I don’t think it is anything to hide. If my “German friend” wants to bring over a dish passed down through her family, then I am game. I have a friend from England and she has introduced us to May Day. We love it! We share our customs and traditions.
Basically, I am saying that I do find other cultures fascinating and I am happy to share that with my kids. The zmore they learn about them, the more they understand. I don’t think there is anything to hide. Well, there are some horrible things in our past and no, I don’t just lay it ALL out there. I think you get me. 🙂
This is a great post and I’m interested in reading that book as well. I love that we are even talking about this topic with each other as parents and doing the best we can to help our children navigate this world. You and I first met because of this topic of diversity – I’m always up for this discussion. xo
Very well done Galit. I wish I had more time to comment further, but you’ve read my blog and you know my thoughts mirror yours. I have to run to a client meeting but I wanted to add this. Double blind studies performed confirm that children who are not given positive messages about skin color and ethnicity will absorb negative messages. It is not enough to “be color blind”. We have to take an active roll in trying to teach our children that the messages that are absorbing form U.S. culture, at least, are wrong. Thanks for this post.
This is a great post as I often think about race and how to explain that to my little one when the time comes. Since I live in a very culturally diverse area, thanks for giving me some tools to think about for down the road. Such an important subject and one that is scary to us as parents – we never want to feel like we’ve shape our children’s thinking – we want them to discover on their own. Great job taking on a tough subject!
Interesting that you write a post on racism and use a photo of all white children. Also, ask yourself how many friends you have that are multi-racial. According to several studies, Minnesota is the most racially segregated state in the US (here’s one – http://www.s4.brown.edu/cen2000/WholePop/WPSegdata/5120msa.htm ) Maybe if you made an effort to have friends that were black,brown,yellow,red (or white) you wouldn’t need to have these conversations with your children.
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Those are her children in the picture.
Ouch. See, this is exactly what this type of thinking, I believe, leads to: categorizing people first and foremost by their appearances. I still disagree with Galit’s main thesis here but I absolutely will defend her decision to put whoever the heck she wants in a picture on her blog.
Susan, enlighten us: how exactly does one go about making an effort to have more friends that are “black,brown,yellow,red (or white)” without expressly categorizing people by their appearances? Not by the content of their character, mind you, but by the color of their skin?
“Let’s have a girls night out this Friday. Should we invite Mary? She’s never on time, never pays, is always rude to waiters and waitresses, and is always gossiping about others. But she’s [insert person-of-color label (or white) here]!” Based on your comment, we should invite Mary anyway, no?
What could you possibly know about the racial-makeup of Galit’s friends? And frankly, what business of it of yours?
Sorry to bring negativity here but I find Susan’s comment disrespectful, offensive, and a text-book example of prejudice (“an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.”)
Susan,
What I like about World Moms Blog is that we are getting to know women, mothers, around the world and their experiences. And, I think the very fact that this blog exists helps to cut down the stereotypes and assumptions that humans make about other humans around the planet.
That being said, I find the following assumptions that you have made in the spirit of healthy and informative discussion very weak.
1) The author of the post used white children on a post about racism without asking why. They are her own children, the very reason why she writes on parenting issues, such as this one.
2) The author of the post has not made an effort to make friends with people who may look different than herself. How do you know who the author’s friends are? Please explain.
3) And, the blanket assumption that because the author is from Minnesota, which you have pointed to as one of the most racially segregated states in the U.S., then she must not have any friends who are multi-racial.
Also, I would like to note that in the book, Nurture Shock, the authors also point out that more integrated societies were shockingly less likely to accept diversity. (See my own early comment #2 on this post.)
From your comment, am I right by saying that you believe that by having multi-racial friends, that alone, will automatically lead to racial harmony?
If this is, indeed, your point, please give us more supportive facts to carry on your discussion.
Jen
Very well said!
My children have barely started noticing differences. My eldest a bit and I have done something similiar to this suggestion but not as well as I could have, because yes, it is hard to not just trot out the “everyone is the same” line. I am going to see if our library has that book!
As a mom of two biracial children, this is especially meaningful to me. Just as I have tried keep them in touch with all aspects of their wonderful makeup, so do I hope the same from other people. Everyone is uniquely special and that should be talked about, celebrated and treasured.
This is a great post. It is an awkward subject for parents because we want to handle it just right. I try to appear at ease and as if it is natural to talk about all awkward subjects – death, sex, race, handicap, faith, etc. Sometimes I do better than others. 🙂 I think the key is to be open to talking about everything. As soon as something becomes taboo, it gets dangerous.
Galit – I like this. The girl is older than your kids, but I remember back to those times when she would notice differences and my hope that discussing them was helping her. It seems to have.
Wow. I didn’t ever think about that. I mean, we have the conversations at home about origins of color and why we are all different and that it’s ok, because that’s how we were made, and everything. But I don’t dare to have that conversation in public here because I have been told that to say that sort of thing is racist. Which confuses me.
I mean, whether you believe in God or natural selection, why wouldn’t a larger, thinner nose be preferable over time for breathing in cold air versus a flat nose with larger nostrils for more quickly expelling our breathe and body heat in hotter areas?
Or discussing that the burkas did originate (as did all human clothing) with a purpose of first, environmental stresses on humans there, and then, social preferences? As just one example?
Or saying that blue eyes absorb more light in areas where it’s darker longer in the day and year than darker eyes that help natural protect from overexposure to the sun and glaucoma, etc?
What’s wrong with acnknowledging we are all different? And that it’s purposeful? And that, therefor, it’s ok?
Whew! Heavy duty discussion. All my children are grown and gone and have been for some time, and all of them turned out to be the most caring people I know. I’ve never heard them say one negative thing about an individual based on race or disability or sexual orientation (something this discussion hasn’t touched on). They were taught to see the worth of every individual. I think the most important lesson you can give children is the evidence of your own life. How do you see others? How do you treat others? They read you loud and clear.
Yes, I will now. Thank you, Galit.
My oldest notices differences in skin color because she is dark skinned and I am light. We discuss it frequently and talk about how everyone looks different but we are all still people and are to be respected.
Such an important topic. I too read Nurture Shock and was, in fact, shocked by some of the things I learned. Discussing race with our kids is hard. I’m trying to prepare myself as much as possible to have the conversation when the toddler is ready.
Thank you for broaching this one, Galit!
Loved reading this! My kids are 5 and 2 and the conversation about different colored skin hasn’t come up yet, but now I’ll be looking for an opportunity to discuss it. Thank you for that!
I commend you for the openness to discuss differences in races. We are all human. We all have precious, sensitive souls. We all want to love and be loved.
My deepest connection is with a man from another race. We continuously discover differences in our cultures. I love hearing what is behind some of his traditions or beliefs that, at first, seem so strange to me. It’s okay that either of us feel strange about these matters. We explain them to one another. Once understood, the strangeness no longer exists. In fact, I don’t think of him as another race – I think of him being from another culture.
May we embrace and celebrate our differences while enjoying all we share.
That’s beautiful, Soul Dipper. 🙂
Jen 🙂
Great post Galit. Our kids often talk about it because they had part of their childhood in Fiji and interestingly enough commented on the difference between Indo-Fijians and Fijians… I wonder if the spirit behind the whole ‘I don’t see colour’ teaching was more intended to be: ‘skin colour doesn’t make me respond differently to a person, I love, respect and accept them just the same’ that has morphed into paranoia about noticing people’s differences and pretending they don’t exist. Just popping by from your RDC link.
YES, my friend. Yes.
I so love you for saying this. We are not all the same. And children, bless their hearts, see this is a way that we adults, with all our politically correctness, sometimes try to downplay. Our differences, physical and otherwise, are what make us unique, beautiful and human.
Beautifully said, lady.