He is relaxed, his head lolling slightly on my shoulder, mouth open just so, tired eyes finally closed.
I feel his weight, comfortable in my arms, all 15 pounds of soft baby and fuzzy hair, warmly nestled where he should be.
I listen to his gentle breathing, slowing, as he falls into deeper sleep. Only then, do I dare lower him into his crib, tucking him under the linen swaddle blanket.
I watch my almost-4-month old sleep for a few more minutes, willing him fervently to stay asleep. Quietly, I creep out.
Already, I miss his solid babyness in my now empty arms.
I joked once that with two children now, my arms will never truly be empty.
That is my truth, and a reality I love.
For no sooner do I lay the baby down for his nap, my toddler comes barreling into me, throws his arms around my neck and I’m surprised at how big he seems.
We walk hand in hand, his small one in my slightly big one. I marvel again at how much he has grown, his fingers once a third the size of mine, now half as long.
His head, a mop of messy brown hair, was once fuzzy like his baby brother’s. I muss his not-so-little head, and wonder when he grew so tall, he’s reached my waist.
We paint, we read flash cards, we play ‘tickle’. He’s all arms and legs, doing all sorts of running, climbing and tumbles.
His once baby fingers, now deftly opens paint bottles and points out animals in books.
His eyes crinkle when he smiles – even as a baby, he smiled with his eyes, one of my favorite things about my firstborn.
At nap time, we nestle together in his bed and I push past the discomfort of being squeezed into a single bed.
Instead, I focus on holding my firstborn close, coaxing him to sleep, and fighting the urge to giggle when he tries to put his finger up my nose.
As he shifts and turns and finally settles facing me, I remind myself that not far in the future, he will no longer want to cuddle with his mother. And so I soak in the moment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I pick up my now alert second son, fresh from his long nap.
I lay him down on his quilt and we play peek-a-boo, sing songs and roll around in general silliness.
I hold his tiny hand, knowing that some day, sooner than I can imagine, it’d be just like the toddler hand I just held.
I play with his tiny feet, knowing that some day, sooner than I would like, they will be making pattering sounds around the house.
For now, I will enjoy the physicalness of his babyhood – the strong kicks his chubby legs make, just like when he was in utero; his fingers around mine, his head on my shoulder.
For soon, it will be the physicalness of toddler-hood, just like his big brother.
This is the tangible part of motherhood I love so much. Feeling their hands in mine, hearing their voices and laughs, squeezing them close to me.
This is love in all its physicalness.
What physical aspect of your child do you love the most?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Alison Lee in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. She can also be found blogging at Writing, Wishing.
Photo credit to the author.
Alison
Alison is a former PR professional turned stay-at-home mother to two boys. Growing up in a small city of Ipoh, Malaysia, Alison left home at 17 to pursue her studies in the big city of Kuala Lumpur. At 19, she headed to University of Leeds in England and graduated with a degree in Communications. Returning home to Malaysia in 1999, she began a 10-year career in public relations, event planning, and marketing, working for various PR agencies and one of the world's biggest sports brands. After a decade of launch parties and product launches, concerts and award shows, international press junkets and world travel, Alison traded all that in for a life as a first time mother in 2009, and has not looked back since. Aside from writing for her blog, Writing, Wishing, Alison is the Founder and chief social media strategist for Little Love Media.
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After my No.2 was born all of the sudden No.1 seemed to me humongous. Her grip was stronger, her hugs were so tight, oh.. not to mention the weight. I didn’t see and feel that before.
No.1 the day she popped out she was as independent in her “journey through life” as newborn can be 😉 She didn’t want anything else just to be fed and cleaned. It was good for us as new parents. We got lucky, we used to say. My husband wished she was more lovey-dovey, though.
These days, when No.2 has been making it up for both of them he is more then tired of the amount of attention she requires from us. I can’t remember when I ate my meal hot (ok, not counting coffee, for hot coffee I can bear some crying!).I’ve learn that so many things can be done using only one hand…
as for the physical aspects… they are different, as well… and I love every single thing. They both have big, brown eyes with LONG eye lashes… but especially I’m in awe of my firstborn’s naturally red head with blond and brown highlights… 🙂
I think your girls are beautiful 🙂
Mine are the opposite – my toddler was a very demanding baby and he was a poor sleeper. I was exhausted. This baby? So far, it’s been so easy, I keep expecting things to turn around and bite me in the behind. But he’s genuinely an easygoing child. I think it’s also the benefit of my experience.
What’s a hot meal? 🙂
So beautifully written, it really took me back in time. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the years have flown by. My first born (now 19yrs old) didn’t like to be held much at all. This makes the hugs he gives me now even more special! 🙂 My daughter (now 16yrs old) was always the more physical of the 2. I love more than anything that my teens still like to hug me and sit close to me …. that said, nothing beats cuddling your new baby to sleep!
Thank you Simona!
I wonder if my boys will still want to hug me and sit with me when they’re teens – I sure hope so!
Such a wonderful post. Just this morning I was marveling at the joy of snuggling with my not so little baby boy, examining his hands as he slept, wondering how he managed to grow so much while my body still recalls his tiny-baby-ness.
Isn’t that wonderful? When they’re at the age when you can snuggle them yet marvel at the fact that not long ago, they were just babies?
girl i miss that feeling of a baby that fits in my arms. damian and i settle in for naps the same way you and your boy do. it’s my favorite time. usually natasha has fallen asleep. and it’s ust us. and he asks questions until he falls asleep. while his hand, half the size of mine too, is laying in mine while i rub his fingers and hje talks. hubby and i were saying last night, we’re glad he’s not going to preschool. we’ve got one year left with him as our baby and we are already feeling the loss from when we know he’ll have more time for friends and not want to cuddle with us and won’t run to us for kisses goodbye. i love this post girl. it breaks my heart a little. but i love it.
Thank you my friend. It’s so bittersweet isn’t it? Watching them literally grow up in front of our eyes, and knowing the better we do our jobs as mothers, the less they need us? Sigh.
When my 5 year old daughter asks if I can just get into bed with her and snuggle for a little bit before she goes to sleep. When my 18 month old plants a kiss on my face when I least expect it when I’m holding her. When they’re both outside running around chasing a ball. I love these moments!
Beautiful post, Alison!
Jen 🙂
Such beautiful moments. I love those unexpected acts of physicalness from children. And thank you!
Such a beautiful post. You totally captured perfectly this time period of little people who just want to be in our physical space. I have no doubt that I will mourn that loss someday and wish for it back again.
Thank you Ashley. I for one, know that when it comes to pass, their daily physicalness, I will definitely mourn that. Thank you for visiting me here.
This is beautiful, Alison. Just beautiful.
Thank you Jessica, and for coming by here to read.
You made me smile Allison. I love how my little one always says, “Can I hold your hand?”, and how I quickly grasp hers. I tell her “I love holding your hand.” She wraps her hand around one of my fingers. I also love holding my big girl’s hand when we cross the street. Now that she is a blossoming into a social butterfly, hand holding seems to happen less and less. Then I reflect, like you have here, and smile 🙂
Thank you Eva. It’s just the little things, isn’t it? For the record, my dad was still holding my hand to cross the street even when I was in my 20’s! Old habits die hard. 🙂
The physicality is both my favourite and my least favourite parts of motherhood. All that you wrote about? Yes times 100! I am absolutely loving being the Mama to a baby again. One who so desperately just wants to be held by me all the time. He loves it so much that he grabs on to whatever he can as soon as I pick him up and then he wraps his other arm around me, drawing me close.
I cherish those moments when the toddler chooses to snuggle with me. We are not as close as the baby and I are, but when the toddler chooses to be close to me, it is a real, conscious choice. In those moments, he wants to be wrapped in my arms, with his head in my neck.
But then there are those times when I feel like I have lost all personal space. When my hair has been pulled and my face has been slapped and my nipples have been scratched to bleeding. It is then when I need to escape the physicality and just be myself, not a mother tethered to a child or two.
Laura, you’re absolutely right. There is always two sides to a coin, yes? I now what you mean about the dark side of physicalness, I’ve been on the receiving end of that too.
Which is why we need ME TIME!
This made me look forward to Gia’s bedtime (which I rarely do these days) because that is when her teeny hand holds me the tightest. That is when she holds my face to kiss me. Her cheeks and her chin and her little lips all make my heart melt and are the reasons being in a toddler bed isn’t so bad. As for my older kids, it’s their hugs. My teens growing and strong arms. My twins, in their preteenish size remind me that time moves too fast so I hold on tight. Thank you (and Gia thanks you) because I might have to stay just a bit longer tonight.
Your comment made my heart happy, AnnMarie!! I know it’s hard with a toddler who just.won’t.let.go. But that too shall pass. And what then, when we look back and wish we’d given them a little more?
Beautiful post, Alison. As I ponder my no.2 (15 months now!), I’m also aware that it won’t be too long now he’ll be a big boy and he may not think it manly to be hugged by mama all the time! I was never brought up to express my love through physical touch, so while it was natural to want to snuggle and hug and kiss my babies, I’m finding it a slight struggle as they grow older (my toddler is now 3.5 yo). So it actually takes a bit of effort on my part!
I think it’s an Asian thing isn’t it, the lack of physical love? Which is why I’m more than making up for it with my children. I want them to remember a childhood full of hugs and kisses and snuggles. I think it’s wonderful that you’re making an effort! They will remember that.
I love this!
My daughter sleeps with me at night, and I love the feeling of her tucked up under my arm, her little feet on my (not so little) belly. And with my older, who’s almost four, I’d say I love the unsolicited hugs the most. There’s something about his wrapping his little arms around my legs and telling me he loves me that melts me heart.
Aw, I love the spontaneous gestures of love expressed! It’s the best, isn’t it?
I adore my children, and they have blessed me with their physicalness.
Honestly: I am so lucky I can never feel like I am worthy of it.
Hugs, kisses, arms around me, smiles: I feel like I won the lottery every day.
Thank you, A, for reminding me of THE best thing about being a mother: all the love.
Your love for your boys is palpable all the way on this side of the world, Alexandra.
Thank you for visiting me here. xo
I love this post Alison! Our kids are about the same ages and both boys so I relate to just about everything in there – squeezing into a single bed and not minding because this is cuddle time with first born, CALLING someone “first born,” thinking about how quickly it all passes and trying to hold on to those baby moments as hard as we can. I’m just always amazed you are such a dedicated and involved mom and also such a prolific blogger! Not sure how you do it… ; )
Thank you, Kim! It’s always good to know when someone relates to the words we write, the stories we tell. And oh yes, calling someone ‘firstborn’ – that’s huge isn’t it?
Also? I have great in laws who do help me out. A lot. I’m very lucky. 🙂
Good lord, this is so relatable for me since I’m in the same boat. Everything that both do are such miracles! I feel like I’m looking at motherhood so much different this time around…and soaking everything in as much as I can.
It’s crazy how HUGE a toddler feels after holding a newborn, isn’t it?!
Second time motherhood is such a gift, isn’t it? It’s almost like looking at the whole experience with fresh eyes. And gosh, the toddler is HUGE next to the baby!
Holding hands with my girls is one of the best ways for me to feel our connection so strong and true. Hugs are brief, kisses too but holding hands you can do while sitting & walking and it doesn’t get in your way. It only encourages it.
Beautiful post, Alison!
Thank you Kristen! I do love the hand holding. It’s a physical manifestation of your love and emotional connection, isn’t it?
Oh, I can so relate to the feelings you wrote about here. My youngest of four is now 7yrs old and knowing how fleeting the characteristics remnant of babyhood will be in him I love kissing his still round cheeks and holding his still slightly pudgy hand. These are moments to be savored for sure. You are right to cherish every one of them!
On a totally different note I just saw that Legoland Malaysia is opening this fall! How fun is that?!
Oh I just love their cheeks! My 2 1/2 year still has those cheeks – love!
Yes! Legoland is opening here this month! But, it is a 4 hour drive away. So. We’ll have to make a trip of it and head to Singapore as well.
What a beautiful post and you put into words one of the hardest things to explain to people who aren’t parents. One of the physical things I dislike is when my toddler- sorry, preschooler (*sigh*) pushes me away when I try to hug him. But it does make his “squeezes” that much sweeter!
Oh, pushing away is no fun 🙁 But yes, it does make the voluntary squeezes so much sweeter!
Lovely post! And I was just pondering something similar recently with my 2 boys (ages 2 and 6). I curled up with my 2 year old in his bed this morning because he let me. He didn’t want to sleep, but he was willing to lay there in my arms and wedge his toes under my legs. I just loved cuddling his bulky little body and want to soak up every second before he is out of the toddler phase. I was also trying to “snuggle” my lanky 6 year old later on the couch, and he is such a wiggly and all angular that it isn’t so simple 😉
I can’t even imagine- 6 years old! I already think my toddler is far too angular, all arms and legs, for my liking – being selfish of course. Because he was such a chubby baby and squishable 🙂
My oldest son stopped liking to be held as soon as he figured out crawling, at 5 months old. BY the time he was 9 months we was walking up a storm and soon after running all over the place. Today, he´s two and a half and snuggles like a snugglebug, for about 3 minutes, then he´s off exploring new domains. I never valued the physicality of having a baby until my second son was born, he loves being held, to such an extent that he´s almost 9 months old and would rather be held than set free to crawl. He prefers to be attached to my hip and I love it. They are both so different but their cuddles, as different as they may be, are just the most precious thing I have.
That’s beautiful, that your second baby loves and wants to be snuggled – almost like he’s making up for his brother running off so early 🙂
So beautifully written, it made me cry Alison (I admit it – I am such a sap) :-). I am one stage ahead of you, in that my baby is now the toddler. My daughter (the toddler) is still all love and cuddles, whenerver she can get them. My once toddler is now a little 5.5 year old boy, who now reaches up to my chin (I am short and he is tall). He still let’s me cuddle him, although it is less frequent than it used to be. I love it when he comes running into my arms – whatever the reason, or holds my hand as we walk down the street. At night if he has a bad dream, he crawls into bed with me and cuddles so close. I cherish all of it, because soon enough, too soon really, he will be towering over me, “too big” to cuddle with his maman.
Yes, one day, they will get “too big”. Sigh.
(Is it wrong of me to be slightly thrilled I made someone cry with my words? Because it means to me that it moved you, and that is what I try to achieve with my writing. To move at least one person.)
What a beautiful post Alison! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Nicole!
Awww so beautifully written, Alison, now I officially have a baby fever. I so miss those little things from a tiny baby. I still cherish it when my 22 something pounds boy climb up on my lap and just sit there to cuddle. It’s a rare thing now as he’s too busy being a big boy.
You’ll just have to grab him for a cuddle whenever you can!
Sorry about the baby fever 😉
Oh man, enjoy it all whicle you still can. I miss my baby’s infanthood. He has formerly entered first grade. Cherish that physicalness while you still do 🙂
I am!!
Oh how I adore that last line!
Beautiful, loving post, mama!
Thank you my sweet friend!
Beautiful post, as always. My one and only is almost 15 months and I can hardly believe how fast it has flown by. Now that he is running everywhere, I so cherish his little “check-ins” when he crawls onto my lap and gives me a kiss or rests his head on my shoulder or finds my breast for a little suckle. In his infancy, I longed for some space, as he never wanted to be put down. When he turned 12 months, it was like a light switch went off and he was suddenly confident and ready to be independent, which makes his little check-ins that much more precious. One of my favorite things about his little body has always been his chunky legs, which are getting leaner by the day with all this running. I miss the baby rolls!
On another note, I always feel terrified at the thought of another child – how will I manage? how could I ever love another one like I love my son – but this post makes me feel excited by the prospect, so thank you!
I literally watched my little boy morph into a somewhat big boy with the chunky legs turning into lean long ones! So I get it, I do.
As for having a second child, I was terrified too. Of many things. Wondering how I’d juggle them physically and emotionally. Whether I could love another child just as much.
I can tell you, juggling two kids is hard. HARD. But the rewards are priceless. Also? I love my baby with all of my heart. Just as I do his big brother. Our hearts expand, love multiplies. You’ll do good.
This just fills my heart. I love this part of motherhood sooo much.
I love the physicalness because I grew up in a home that did not emphasize it. I think I’m making up for it through my children.
OH, those little feet and hands and sweet little faces. Our babies are the world, and our love makes the world go round. Your words bring me to tears.
Our babies and our love certainly makes the world go round. Thank you for reading me here, Lucy.
Beautifully written, Alison.
I love how my 14-year-old still wraps her arms around my shoulders when she’s standing behind me, even at soccer practice.
I love how, as my 11-year-old rants about something at school while we’re driving there, I can just hold my hand back behind the car seat and feel her warm little hand in mine, as if she’s saying “I know you can’t fix it, dad, but I’m glad you love me.”
I love how my 7-year-old will stop as she’s bolting out of the car at drop-off, turn, and make sure to give me a kiss.
Sounds like you have wonderful children!
Thanks for stopping by, Eli.