Well we made it to Vientiane, Laos!
As I typed that exclamation point it feels slightly anti-climatic after going through all the pre-move drama of logistics and planning, the emotions of saying good-byes, surviving the 36-hour journey across the globe followed by the trauma of transitioning into a new life.
And yet adding more than one exclamation point feels overdone after four weeks of being here and starting to feel settled. Things are starting to come together logistically and emotionally, which compared to how I felt upon our arrival is a world apart from where we began.
I can hear everyone asking, “So what happened?” “How was the flight?” “How’s Vientiane? ” “How are the kids” “Tell us everything!” – all the things I would be asking myself if I wasn’t the one writing this post. And I wish we could all gather around with coffee or wine or both and have a long long chat, a much needed mother-to-mother chat. A chat that would be more for me than for you because this move was TOUGH.
It was tough on me, tough on the kids, tough on my husband. The transition was tough, just like all major life transitions are tough whether it is a move, a divorce, a death, illness, new sibling – it’s all tough on the kids despite of how much we believe they can “bounce back”. Sure. They do bounce back but those bumps can be hard for us parents to take.
All of our concerns about the packing and the long flight didn’t compare to the emotional transition of moving a family with two 2.5-year olds across the world. Jet-lagged, fatigued, and with our world turned upside down, all four of us were unhinged. I had miscalculated our final end goal of just getting here and hadn’t foreseen how hard it was going to be for the little ones during the weeks after arrival. It broke my heart to hear our kids asking if they can go back to our Denver home now, when is their grandmother coming over and if she can’t come over can they go to her house, will their old teachers be at their new school, will their old friends be at their new school…
And it was frustrating to try and maintain our old routine of going for walks around the neighborhood when we now live on a bumpy dirt road that is muddy most of the time and the weather is so hot and humid that everybody melts after five minutes and there are mosquitoes that carry tropical diseases and stray dogs we don’t know will bite us or not. It was even more frustrating to try to introduce food that is locally available and getting demands for “Cheerios mommy!” and now we only like the really sugary yogurt since the healthier yogurt here doesn’t taste anything like the Chobani brand we loved back home.
I could go on and on about the little things but the worst of it wasn’t those little things or our sad conversations about our Denver home and DC home and now our Laos home, and all the things and people we miss.
No. The worst of it was our son throwing fits like I had never seen before and with a force that seemed demonic. The worst fit occurred in the taxi home after 1/2 day at daycare – the look in his eyes were full of hate, his strength unmatchable by mine to hold him tight, his face a sweaty purple, his bare arms and legs grew a speckled red rash, and his mouth spurted white foamy saliva – a sight that nearly made me take him straight to a doctor in case it turned into a seizure. Luckily, it didn’t. He calmed down after we got him into the house.
It’s been almost two weeks since and no more fits. We think he reached his emotional limits that day. He had been in his new school for a week, had a respite over the weekend home with us, then returned to all that newness again that Monday and found himself on a field trip to an outdoor market. The heat, the crowd, the strange new language, the smells, everything about visiting an outdoor market in the middle of a very hot day is enough to overwhelm the most stalwart of us. But for this little one, it was too much.
The move for him was too much, new house, new people, new food, new language, new school. I called it “Toddler Transition Terror” – unstoppable screaming and thrashing due to a child’s discomfort and confusion over change in climate, scenery, people, language, food, and home that occurs with an intensity level beyond the normal expected “terrible-two’s” behavior.
As a mother there was tremendous guilt for putting our kids through such a dramatic life change, by choice. It made my husband question his career and our future in this life-style. We could not see the forest through the trees during those first few weeks. All the benefits of raising kids overseas were lost on us. But as I mentioned, things are getting better. Everyone’s getting their footing. For certain we’re not yet in the clear but week by week we are transitioning. We’re able to take longer walks and even scooter along on our muddy dirt roads like we used to do back home and we are discovering new things we like to do here.
And so our adventure begins much like the road we live on, very bumpy but manageable.
Have you had major life changes that affected your children severely? What advice would you have for others about how children deal with change and trauma?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our mother of twins writer, Dee Harlow in Vientiane, Laos. You can always find her writing on her blog, Wanderlustress.
The photograph used in this post is attributed to the author.
Wow, Dee, firstly CONGRATULATIONS for having made it this far!
Maybe because I was uprooted many times myself (by my parents) as soon as I was old enough I bought a house and haven’t moved since! Never mind moving to another country … my kids have never even moved to another house in the same city!
The only trauma my two have experienced has been the death of both their grandfathers and 4 school friends between November last year and now. Both sets of grandparents lived in another country and my kids didn’t get to see them much. I was surprised by how much their loss affected them. Just a couple of days ago my 16 year old daughter confided in me how a friend had hummed a tune which reminded her of her grandfather … and we both ended up with tears in our eyes.
For our family (especially because so many deaths have happened in such a short period of time) dealing with the grief is an ongoing process. I’m very lucky that my husband and I have a good, open, rapport with our teens and we talk about everything. We also often remind them that it’s ok to cry or to be angry – as long as they don’t take it out on innocent bystanders! 🙂
Oh Simona, I am so sorry to hear of your family’s recent losses. My heart goes out to you and your little ones. Talk is so so critical to processing our emotions, particularly our negative ones. It’s great that you have a relationship with your teens where they do want to talk to you. Big hugs to all of you.
Dee, glad you and your family made it safely and are settling in. So sorry to hear it’s been tough on the boys, but you know, children (especially that age) are very resilient and adaptable. Before you know it, they’ll be used to their new environment and thriving!
You are so right! Already only a few weeks later they are more at ease and comfortable, which also means bold and running off without us to explore! It’s getting more and more fun now.
Oh Dee! I so feel for you. This post reminded me of our first few months in rural-ish Kenya. My son didn’t have epileptic-like fits, but he started sleeping like a newborn again and was very intimidated by all the attention suddenly thrown his way. But we found our rhythm (as I know you will too) and soon enough he was playing with lots of new playmates (and crying when they had to leave) and speaking fluent kiswahili. But I know how hard this transition can be for the little ones and for you too. Hang in there. We have to hold on to hope that ultimately we are raising globally-minded citizens who can see the world with compassion and through multiple lenses. And hopefully that’s worth the rough transitions. Good luck dear!
You nailed it Kim, rhythm. The rhythm of a daily and weekend routine was one of the key things that helped settle our kids. They began to predict what we would do in the afternoons or where we would go to dinner. You should see the light of confidence in their eyes when they are right. And now they are picking up the language like mad, repeating the things they hear in Lao. Their little Lao voices are so cute!
Hope you and your family will settle in soon, Dee. It’s always hard to adapt to new things of course but I’m sure your children will fine. I’m echoing Alison words here, kids are a lot stronger than we adult thought possible sometimes. I was so worried about my son’s mental health after my divorce but by showing him so much love and constantly telling him the only thing that change is the fact that he now have two homes he has bounced back to be his old self happy go lucky kiddo again. Best of luck, Dee 🙂
Thank you Maureen! You and your kids are models for resilience and it’s the experiences and wisdom of moms like you that I’ve looked to for guidance and comfort. We are not alone in this and we won’t be the last. I take great solace in being amongst such a terrific community of friends!
Oh goodness… You just jolted me back to 1.5 years ago when I moved my son to Bali… The tantrums- OH THE TANTRUMS… It was a hard transition; hard enough to make me think that I never want to do that again! (But I know we will have to.)
Well I hope the past year in Bali has been great for you and your son. I’ve been several times and love it there. Where to next for you do you know yet?
Dee, you’re so right – all change positive or negative is stressful. I am so pleased things are settling down for you and yours now.
Thanks Karyn, our little FB chats helped me a lot at the time as well as excerpts from your upcoming book. Thank you so much!
Wow Dee – such a hard position to be in. I’m glad that things are calming down and the boys are starting to get used to their environment.
We are going through a mini transition over here, which my son has had a very hard time dealing with. He started kindergarten this week, and walked into a new classroom, with new teachers (albeit the same school) and none of his old friends. His 2 best friends left the school, and the other 2 boys that were in his class were placed into different classes. He knows a couple of the girls, but that doesn’t seem to help him much. He has been crying every night, ends up crawling into my bed in the night for several days now, and told us that he is quitting and today’s his last day of kindergarten. :-(. Even though I know he will eventually be ok, and it’s not my fault his friends left the school – I know what you mean about feeling guilty. My heart breaks for my little boy as I walk away from the class while he is so clearly upset. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you…the only thing that I can say is be strong, keep doing what you are doing and the boys will get there.
Hugs
Yes Maman Aya, we just love, practice patience and try to maintain our sense of adventure. In the long run, these bumps will seem like a blip in the past and the overall picture will be amazing! I hope your son will get through this phase soon. Good luck!
Dee,
I think when you look back, this period will only be a snippet of time and the benefits that your move will have on your son’s life will far outnumber what he is going through now. But, it’s being in the middle of that snippet that is sooo tough! If picking up and moving across the world were easy, everyone would do it. It’s being there, having done the move and getting through it that will open the door to possibilities that can only be imagined by people who never get the chance or take the chance to do it!
Your honesty really provides a realistic window of what the adjustment is like for a family with small kids moving abroad. I’m learning a lot through your adventures, and I LOVE following them!
Jen 🙂
So funny Jen, I call my best friend my ‘voice of reason’ bc she can always break it down for me or bring me back down to earth where everything looks OK again and you just did that! By reminding me that in the greater scheme of things, those past few weeks were just a teeny tiny window of the whole of our current and future life. You’re amazing! Thank you.
I was very grateful to get an update as I have been wondering about how you and your family are doing. Glad to hear things are settling. What an adventure and what a challenge. You are very brave and strong and so are your children. Excited to hear more.
Thank you, Ms. V, for your kind words. They mean a lot and go a long way in this life where our close friends are too far away.
Don’t feel guilty!! Everybody will survive. There are tough times in any life but doing what you want to do and love to do carries over to your children and they will appreciate it.. eventually. 🙂
So true Kathy, thank you. So glad you stopped by here!
Dee, I’m so impressed by your move! last weekend we came from a weekend long trip. Driving back took us 12 hours and it was the most tiring experience in my life. I just only can imagine how hard it was on all of you.
We’re all in this together! Hope you had a great trip.
Dee, all I can say is YES to everything. My daughter’s first transition was at 16 months when we left our first post, she then spent the entire next year 3 months here, 3 months there due to training, going to post and the timing of her baby brother … I know their personalities are pretty set, but I do wonder what that year did to her sometimes. Her brother is so much more easygoing – he’s never moved from post (yet).
And here’s something to be aware of just in case you weren’t expecting it … when you go back to the USA for a visit (R&R, Home Leave) be prepared for the same Transitio Terror.I thought i was ready but this year’s trip home has been sublime mixed with tragic.
Thanks Lynne! We are definitely more attune to that possibility now, especially with our son. I can tell you that a lot does have to do with personality and how they’re wired because his twin sister has an easier time of it. She tends to ask a lot of questions and talk through it rather than get upset. She is also one to ask for photo albums and videos, which could be a way for her to process/cope with memory and distance from loved ones.
Hi Dee, thanks for sharing your story. The transition must have been tough on the kids but I’m glad to hear that everyone is settling down into a new rhythm. I used to work overseas for a while in a company where many came with their spouse and children. What I learnt from them is that being in a new place with few friends and away from extended family means that they get to spend a lot of time bonding as a family. So enjoy these special bonding moments as you and your family discover a new place together!
Thanks Ruth for your reassurance. Indeed we will cherish our close bond as we move around and appreciate being there for each other always.
Reading this made me want to reach out and give you a giant hug! And then buy you a big fat drink 😉 I can imagine how hard (and heartbreaking) this would be. The good news is that things can only get better and I am so glad to hear that everyone is already feeling more settled and happy (a testament to you & G). It’s great that you can see the positive sides too – and embrace a new understanding of the different ways your kids cope with change and the world around them. Important stuff.
Although our kids did pretty well with the moves to East Timor & Indonesia, I second what Lynne mentioned about home leave – for us it’s been another kind of transition to navigate. “Why is Jakarta so far away from the world?” said F yesterday, when I explained that we couldn’t take a quick trip to New York tomorrow to visit family. I wish!
Shaula, I’m feeling your hug and having a virtual drink, thanks!