As I stood in the kindergarten pick up line, I told another mom I was about to start the potty-training process with my littlest guy. I told her it had been a while since I had done it and would love any advice. I’ve used the excuse of putting it of because of our recent move [from Switzerland back to the US] for too long and it was time for both my son and me to face the beast.
She mentioned that her son had potty-trained himself. Um, that’s amazing. All I could think about was the pile of “accident undies” on my laundry room floor and my son’s attempts to empty the potty on his own (and the multiple, potential spills on the floor that would come with it). Happy for her, sure! But wishing it could be that easy for us too.
Funny enough, just days before my friend and I had been talking about the process of kids learning to ride bikes. She noticed that our oldest son was riding without training wheels. Her son was struggling to give up training wheels. I told her that my husband had been building up to teaching our oldest but that 5 minutes after removing the training wheels he was off on his own. No help needed. We could take no credit! We barely got a picture of the accomplishment because he was off!
Isn’t motherhood like that though? Some things come so easily to one child or mother and to others it is so painfully hard.
Breastfeeding, potty-training, giving birth, discipline, homework, feeding, you name it and it’s likely for some those things have come easy with minimal heartache and for others, they have struggled so much with few positive results. I think it’s easy in this journey of motherhood to get caught up in comparison and even tinges of jealousy over other moms successes. We want to know that we measure up and can be successful. But at some point, we have to embrace each others joys and victories and learn from each other. Let your successes be things you can share and let the things that feel like failures be things to strengthen through other mom’s positive experiences.
We talk a lot here on World Mom’s Blog about social good and reaching out to moms around the world. This blog is having a hand in life saving work. And that is huge! There is no denying the need to feed the hungry, immunize the impoverished and bring hope to the darkest corners of the globe. But I am curious, how much mercy do we show the mom next door?
Are we in competition with one another or building one another up? Are we throwing each other a lifeline and cutting each other some slack?Look at the moms you interact with each and every day. Think about your neighbor, sister, church friend… She might not need you to buy her groceries or carry a literal burden for her, but she might need some camaraderie. And she needs it in you.
How comforting is it to come to a friend and know that she has faced a challenge that you are about to encounter? Her process may have been different and her outcome might not match yours but you can gain some encouragement from being in the same boat.
My son and I attend a group for Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPs). It is worldwide and so worth looking into!! Years ago, my aunt was involved in it, it was before I had kids but it still sounded so neat. I joined for the first time when my oldest son was 2 ½. A quote from one of their fliers has stuck with me ever since
“MOPs moms don’t let moms mother alone”. We are all in this together! We are on the same team.
Are you in a network of mom’s that support one another or has the competition gotten the best of you?! What mom can you be gracious to today that might need some encouragement?
This is an original article written for World Mom’s Blog by contributor Kristen Kolb. You can visit Kristen on her personal blog, www.seasonsworthsavoring.com. Kristen and her family were previously in Bern, Switzerland but have recently moved State-side for a posting in the Washington, DC area.
Photograph taken by Kristen Kolb.
Oh Kristen, I miss MOPS so much! And I know exactly what to mean when you talk about the different things that are just natural to us and some that are so difficult! I’m also potty training Evan. I have been so reluctant to do it because we’ve been traveling a lot and I really thought Joshua’s arrival would affect him. The transition has really been easy, though. He tells us whether he wants to wear a diaper or underwear and makes sure he tells us he needs to go to the potty when he’s wearing underwear. I’m just rolling with him and stepping over the pee puddles!
Dear Kristen, you’re SO right! The ONLY thing I wish I’d known when my son was born (and which I know now) is that EVERY child and mother is different and it’s trial & error for ALL OF US to find what works with that particular child!
I was very lucky regarding “potty training” … I didn’t “train” either of my kids at all! 🙂 They both went to a terrific preschool which had a “potty training” class. I’d drop them off in their diaper in the morning and they’d wear undies during the day & get to sit on a potty at regular intervals. At night, I’d put a diaper on. When my son was around 2 years old he told me he didn’t want his diaper because “only babies wear diapers”. I calmly told him that I would not put a diaper on him but, if his bed was wet the next morning, the following night the diaper would be back on “because mommy doesn’t like washing wet sheets”. He NEVER wet the bed! Second child, same technique and same preschool … however my daughter had a few “overnight oopsies” until she was around 3 years old!
Now they’re 19 and 16 years old respectively, neither one of them remembers anything about “potty training” and my son is in no way superior to my daughter cos he “got it right” first! You will save yourself a mountain of heartache if you refrain from comparing your child to any other child!
Parenting is hard enough, we don’t need the competition, the criticism or the comparisons. We ARE on the same team!
So true Kristen! We should always be helping each other out however we can. Each child is different and needs to be reacted to differently. My son was one of those that (almost) self trained. Whereas my daughter, is refusing to potty train. She keeps insisting that she is a baby (about everything from drinking milk, to wanting to be breastfed, to playing with “baby toys”, to potty training). I thought it was going to be easier the second time around, since i had heard that “girls are easier”, or “girls train earlier”, etc… it’s not true. From comparing notes with other moms, I think that the second child has a harder time (even if you are doing everything the same), because you have less time to spend focussing on it. As for MOP – that sounds awesome! I’m def going to look into it. Us moms can use all the help we can get!
Kristen, I would love to see mothers have access to truly great information so that they can make properly informed choices and we can then, perhaps, support one another in a cohesive way. I think this is where most of the conflict in parenting comes from: those who are perpetuating myths and social-expectation not understanding there are real biological expectations about parenting and life-experiences our children are born with and need fulfilled in order to thrive.
…and those who understand some of the nature-intended way, but not understanding the full story…and those of us who are perpetuating approaches which created our own demons…and no wonder there is conflict!
I really love this post. It strikes such a cord with me. When I had my first baby I joined a “new moms” group and it was such a lifesaver for me. We all leaned on each other, shared war stories and advice and comforted each other. But, it seems as our kids get older that sisterhood disappears a bit – especially if another mom has it seemingly easier in one domain. This was a terrific reminder that we all have it easy some days and hard on others and could ALL use compassion and friendship in our journeys as mothers.
Momma Expat (another WMB writer) and I are very lucky to benefit from Message, a huge English speaking mother’s community in Paris. So I really felt supported going through all the motherhood milestones.
No judging, as you say – so not worth it.
There is zero competition in my group of friends and for that I am deeply grateful. We compare our children, yes, but out of interest in their differences.
It interests me that my friend’s baby was heavier at 8 months than my own son was at 16 months. It interests me that this same kid, 8 months younger, can now climb out of his crib while mine can’t. By the same token, it interests us that her son’s language development, while still within normal range, is a little slower than mine’s was.
Kids are different, and we compare, but we don’t compete.
Hi Kristen!
Yes, I’m in my local branch of the MOMS club, also international. I have been lucky to have found a group of really supportive women. We definitely admit our struggles and champion our successes together and have a lot of laughs. Reading this, you make me realize how lucky I am to have them. There are enough pressures in parenting. A good support system is the way to go!
Jen 🙂