My son is not even 6 years old. He’s a December baby. Who knew this would be a dilemma once they’re around school age? This means that he either starts school a little early or a little late.
We opted for the latter.
Yes, he is the eldest in his class: K2. His physique looks bigger than those of kids his age. He is one of the taller and older kids in his class. Most people think he’s way older than 5 years old.
Yet he still has that babyish side on him.
Do I get frustrated? Of course!
He is a sensitive child, always been. He cries easily, and he tends to be shy around new people. This is something that I noticed since he was a baby.
Both of us, his parents, are very outgoing borderline crazy-loud sometimes! It makes me feel guilty when I see him get so shy. Sometimes, he just shuts himself down, not wanting to say or do anything. When he was much younger, a full blown tantrum was a common, daily thing. These days, he prefers to just not say anything, closes his eyes or just pretends to be sleeping.
His sensitive side sometimes causes him to cry over little things. Sometimes it’s made me want to pull out hair in sheer frustration. Part of me feel like I failed him in some ways.
His teachers said he still cries in class sometimes and his classmates would tease him for it. My heart is breaking! I fear he will be subjected to bullying because of this. The teachers said the other boys just smile, but they don’t say anything bad. At least, that’s what the teachers observe, but who knows what they are aware not of?
I’m at my wits end, I feel.
Mr. X handled this better than me. Sometimes I think I just don’t have enough patience, because it really drives me insane whenever my son starts crying for no obvious reason. God only knows how many times I’ve gone down to his level, looked at him straight in the eyes and asked what is wrong. God knows how I’ve let him use words instead of tears to express how he feels, and how I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to cry every time he is upset. Sometimes this tactic works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Either way, I’m that awkward Mom with a super shy kid at social gatherings.
I don’t want to keep apologizing for my son. He is sensitive. It takes him longer to warm up to new kids he just met and we are working on improving his social skills. I just want him to be happy. I just want him to be independent.
But I don’t want to tell him he needs to toughen it up. I won’t tell him that crying is for girls and babies, which is what many people have told him. His sensitivity is part of what making his soul is so beautiful.
He will start Elementary School next year. Naturally, I worry for him, for my sensitive boy. He seems to love the school he will go to, and I can only pray that by the time school starts, things will be better for him, and that there will be less tearful adjustments.
Do you have a sensitive or shy child? How did you help them through it?
Maureen
Founder of Single Moms Indonesia, community leader and builder. Deeply passionate about women empowerment.
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Maureen, your boy sounds like mine, except mine is 3 years younger. He turns 3 on December 29, and he’s on the cusp. Do we put him in a class his year, or the year after because the latter makes him closer in age to the other kids? Or do we stick him into the 2009 class where EVERYONE is older than him?
He is also sensitive in the sense that he’s shy, he goes quiet around people he doesn’t know and it takes him a while to warm up to things. I like to think that his naturally cautious nature will do him well, so that he’s less impulsive. But others may not be so understanding. We just have to do what we can by them. Teach them to adapt and be resilient. You’re a good Mama!
Thank you Alison. Oh I just realized we both have December babies!
Your handsome Monkey sounds just like my boy for sure. Being cautious is a good trait and I’m so glad to hear to hear your take on this and to know that I’m not alone.
Maureen – my son is in a similar situation. He turned 6 a couple of weeks ago, so we put him in kindergarten this year (he is the oldest in the class). He too has always been big for his age. He has always been shy in a new situation and takes a while to warm up in a new surrounding. This year he cried every day for more than a month when I would drop him off at school. The teachers worked with me to distract him, so that he wouldn’t be upset, put out special toys or books for him. He refused to even step into the classroom (even though I went in) and my heart broke every day at drop off. Then one day he just went in. He just found an activity that he wanted to do. Gave me my hug and kiss and went on playing. I am pretty sure he was trying to get my attention when he wouldn’t go into the class, but we (the teachers and I) all worked together to make him feel special, we told him that it was important for him to join the class. We tried not to concentrate or phrase things negatively (which is really hard to do) but positively.
Good luck Maureen! It’s hard, but once it works out, all of the hard work is worth it. xx
Thank you Maman Aya for sharing your own experience. When my son first started preschool he cried every day for about a week and it was so difficult for me to walk away but his teachers assured me that he will be fine. Now he happily run into his class and didn’t even look back.
My daughter is a highly sensitive child and always has been. It is difficult when they are younger because they don’t understand and don’t have the skills to manage it. This sensitive personality trait can become a great strength. My daughter–now almost and adult, has grown into a lovely, confident, young woman–still sensitive but uses that strength in her job dealing with customers, empathizing with others and giving back. Here is a book that helped me as a parent and help her with her sensitive personality: “THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD” by ELAINE ARON. If anyone is parenting a sensitive child and needs some advice, this book was a lifesaver for me and her teachers. I recommend it highly!
Rene, thank you so much for sharing this. I actually saw that book when I was googling about sensitive child and I am so gonna get that book after reading your recommendation.
I can only imagine how hard that must me for you, Maureen.
My oldest daughter is super easy-going, very social and rarely sad kid while the Little One is super sensitive, constantly crying and wanting my attention. She is still an infant though, so I think (hope) she’ll grow out of it.
I think that with such a good and carrying mother he will be just fine. Just give him some time and be patient!
Thank you, my friend! I hope your little one grow out of it 🙂 Being extra patient is what I need to do and just try to understand and see things from his perspective.
Maureen and Alison, my son sounds so like yours! He takes time to warm up to new people and environment and has been the more cautious since he was a baby. In school, I’ve observed him contented to play on his own and so wish that he is the very outgoing and sociable kind. Not that he doesn’t like to play with others but I think he can be quite independent. I just wish that people will take time to know who he is and appreciate his strengths.
Oh Ruth, I see my son doing the same thing all the time. He would happily and contently playing alone and usually became a bystander in a group of his friends. He needs to really feel comfortable with the friends before he is willing to participate. In Elementary School he will have some after school programs for sports which I hope he will want to participate, I heard that can also helps building their self-esteems and being less shy.
But I am so with you that sometimes people can be insensitive and impatient. I had scolded some families for telling my son “Stop crying, you’re not a baby!” That kind of comment won’t help him at all.
My son is exactly the same! (And my daughter too..)
I was the same when I was a kid, so I find it easier to understand him, my husband has more a harder time with it.
First of all, he has a wonderful quality. He is soft at heart and is in touch with his feeling. When he will get older you will still see that kind and caring aspect of his character.
(My kid is nine.) And he makes me really proud, I have amazing conversations with him, and I love how he cares for his classmates and understands them when nobody else does. So this is a positive thing, challenging for parents, but really it’s a good thing.
Tips. Make things predictable, explain in advance what you are going to do, what is going to happen. It makes him calmer, easier and less emotional.
Your job is not to make him resilient, he will get there really.
Right now you just create a safe place, a place where he can cry, where someone understands him and where he can talk about his feelings. My son does not cry in front of his classmates anymore, but he can walk up to the car and burst into tears as soon as he’s in the car.
As for school. It’s very common for boys his age to cry. I get a lot of boys in my class that cry all the time. Just make sure he has a great teacher. It’s all about the teacher, not about the kids! A great teacher will make sure there is no bullying and that every kid is accepted the way they are. (Watch the teacher like a hawk!)
I have So so much more to say to you..
You can email me if you want.
By the way, you are already doing a great job, you understand your son and know how he ‘works’ believe me that is huge.
Oh my God, I said my kid is nine, he is ten! Don’t let him see this..
As you can see from the responses, Maureen, you’re not alone! I can give you hope, though, because my shy, socially akward, slow-to-warm-up, sensitive, super intelligent, first-born son will be 20 years old in January!
We also kept him an extra year in pre-school (the school year in S.A. runs from Jan to Dec, so he started school the year he turned 7)and that was an excellent decison because, even though he was clever enough for the work, emotionally he was still struggling a year later!
The best advice I can give you is to not try to “force” your child to be more outgoing because that will make him even more insecure and more prone to withdrawing. When he cries “for no reason” believe that it’s a big deal to him! The best way, I found, to get him to stop was to say things like “I can see you’re very upset” and “what can I do to make things better”? Most of the time all my son needed was to know that I understood his “pain” and was on his side. Very often he didn’t want my advice, he just wanted to feel understood!
I can confirm that things DO get better as they get older. My son still prefers the company of 1 to 3 friends at the time rather than a large party. That said, he has a girlfriend and hardly ever cries any more! 😛
With the kids I teach, some are super sensitive but I don’t think it’s a problem. I really don’t. It’s just their personality and they’ll probably end up going into a different profession than someone who is loud and boisterous. The world needs all types!
I have a 2-year old boy and he was then a little sensitive.. But, I give him most of my time in order to provide his needs and everything that could make him happy..
The best trick I have ever learned to use with our sensitive boy is that of giving Boring Cuddles. I hold him, I carry on with what ever else I am doing, I don’t speak or make shushing noises, I don’t point out all the great things that the other kids are doing, I just hold him. Once he has absorbed enough warm and supportive touch he just hops off my knee and joins in. Yes, it used to take him longer than other kids, but he leaves me on his own terms and that has made all the difference in the world to his confidence. PS I think you’ve made the right decision having him be older in his class rather than younger.
Big deep breath in and big deep breath out. This is what I do when I’m stressed at a situation and what I tell my children to do when they need help calming down. What about yoga? Do you think child yoga and breathing would help him relax his emotions. Regardless, remember your son is perfect in being himself. You are doing the right thing for letting him be who he is!! And, he will love you even more for that!
Thank you for sharing your son’s experience, Maureen!
Jen 🙂