Imagine yourself in our situation. Your friends are getting married. The wedding is in beautiful Italy. You decide to go, even if it means leaving your two daughters with your parents-in-law, and just take the baby with you. Your in-laws arrive and you ask them to take your 3-year old to dancing class, show them where all the things are and tell them when to bring the girls to daycare. You’re excited. You pack your bags the day before the wedding and go to bed.
But you don’t sleep. Instead, you talk. You tell your husband that you’re not really happy with this arrangement. That you don’t trust your in-laws enough to leave your children with them. That you don’t even feel good about your decision to leave the children with anyone. In the end you start crying and tell your husband that your eldest daughter doesn’t like you and that you’re the worst mom ever.
And then your husband tells you that you’re an amazing mom. After you calm down and feel somewhat better he tells you that he’s not happy with this arrangement, either. You see, our little girl has just had the chicken pox, and according to my husband’s calculation, our baby would be at risk of getting it right during our trip to Italy. The baby was fussy for the last few days, he has had no fever, but his temperature is slightly elevated. What to do?
Consider two possibilities.
Number one: You decide to stay. You’re afraid that if he’s going to get the chicken pox, it will spoil your whole trip. You don’t want the other children to get it, too, and besides, traveling with a fussy baby full of ugly itchy red spots is no fun. You tell your in-laws in the morning. They stay for a few days, but that’s OK. Your MIL learns to accept your decisions and to get out of your way when you sit down to read a book. You learn to tell her when you’re overwhelmed and exercise your privileges as a mom.
When your children wake up in the morning, you feel as if you haven’t seen them for ages. You’re suddenly full of patience. You’re relieved that you didn’t have to leave without them. You braid your big girl’s hair in twelve pink little braids. You feel great. Your decision isn’t entirely selfless. You don’t trust your in-laws and don’t want to leave the girls with them, and that’s OK.
Number two: You wake up in the morning, check your baby’s temperature and decide he won’t get the chicken pox after all. You pack your bags, kiss the girls goodbye and leave to catch your flight. You have fun at the wedding, you dance and sing and eat delicious food. You realize that you haven’t had a vacation for ages. You enjoy waking up in the morning without having to get three children dressed and ready for the day. You get to have a whole conversation with your husband. You go back home and are happy to see your children again. You feel great and relaxed and you’re sure that going to that wedding was exactly what you needed right now. Your decision isn’t entirely selfish. You know very well that having a short vacation will make you more relaxed and a better mom. And that’s OK, too.
How did we choose? We stayed. I was sad not to be there when our friends said: “I do”. Our son didn’t get the chicken pox; his skin is silky smooth as always. So, was it a bad decision? No. Would it have been a bad decision had we gone? No. The thing is that while I decided to stay, if it hadn’t been for the chicken pox threat, I would have gone to that wedding.
You can make a selfish decision and still be a good mom. You can make a decision seen as selfless and make it for purely selfish reasons. It doesn’t matter. You’re a good mom.
Have you ever been in this sort of predicament? What did/would you do?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer and mother of three in The Netherlands, Olga Mecking.
The photograph used in this post is attributed to the author.
Olga Mecking
Olga is a Polish woman living in the Netherlands with her German husband. She is a multilingual expat mom to three trilingual children (even though, theoretically, only one is trilingual since she's old enough to speak). She loves being an expat, exploring new cultures, learning languages, cooking and raising her children. Occasionally, Olga gives trainings in intercultural communication and works as a translator. Otherwise, you can find her sharing her experiences on her blog, The European Mama. Also take a while to visit her Facebook page .
Follow Me:
Hi Olga!
When it comes to leaving my children to travel, I dread it! Completely. I think I would have sent my husband to the wedding without me. lol
We’ve never traveled anywhere far together for more than 2 nights (and that length of time was 4 years ago) without our kids. Otherwise, when my husband and I travel, it’s one at a time, and one parent stays home. I know it’s possible for the two of us to go away, people around us do it all the time. But, we just haven’t been motivated to want to leave them for so long!
We’re all just being the best mom we can be with the information and circumstances we have in front of us! And, that makes a great mom!
Jen 🙂
Hi Jennifer, thanks for your comment. I love your definition of a good mom- it is exactly what I wanted to say here. It should be a decision that fits your family and your needs and dreams.
I have had countless situations like that since I have kids and I always decided in the way that would suit us, our “little” family, the best. Is this selfish? I don’t think so. Every decision I take is partly rational but a huge part is emotional. If one of us is not feeling well, we cancel. And I honestly don’t care if others don’t understand. Every mother, every parent should have the freedom to take this sort of decisions. About leaving the children with family? In over 10 years, I’ve never left my children with inlaws or my parents – it’s not that I don’t trust them, it’s that they simply don’t know my children good enough that they (the kids) would feel comfortable and they are not used to have children to care about 24/7 anymore. I would leave them with my sister though 😉 – I think that every decision that makes us feel good is the right one. It’s not selfish, it’s natural. And: we’re all good mums! We do as much as we can.
Yes, Ute, exactly! However, I think that a selfish decision isn’t necessarily a bad one. Society expects us moms to sacrifice our lives for the children, and girls are thought from a young age to sacrifice… I believe that making a selfish decision can be good because it can be good for the mom, which makes everybody happy. As for my in-laws, my children feel well with them (as I must add, unfortunately), but the idea of leaving my children with the in-laws made me sick, so I didn’t. We did however, left them with both grandparents to go out on a date or other weddings.
I hope it doesn’t make me sound like a selfish mom, but I have gone on not just one but two holidays without my daughter. Till now, I am proud of that because it has given me the opportunity to have undisturbed time to reconnect with my hubby as I believe that my marriage should not be compromised after a child comes along. In fact, it’s something that I encourage all couple to do if they can.
My parents and in laws have been great with her and I’m thankful that my daughter also look forward to extended stays at her grand parents. In fact, I’m planning for a next retreat just for me and my hubby 🙂
Susan, it is a seflish decision, but as I stated before, such a decision can be good. Let’s be a little more selfish 😀 You cna make a selfish decision thinking about your children, and you can make a selfless decision thinking about yourself. As long as it suits you, it’s fine! And, maybe we would leave the children with my parents and my brother when they come along in two weeks- but it would be just for a day or two.
I am good with three to four nights .. .then ready to be home again. Getting away with girlfriends has been such a blessing tho – and wouldn’t change the memories made for the world!
I think you knew at heart what was the right decision for you. And you did it. That is always the right decision. No regrets!
This is tough Olga. Our little family does all travel together. My husband and I have never had a trip by ourselves since our first was born, but that has been our choice.
In the past year, I have had the opportunity to extend some business travel with a couple of days of vacation time, but it has been just me, by myself – no hubby or kids. At the time I decided to do this, (and my husband encouraged me to), I knew I was in need of some “me” time to recharge my batteries. And you’re right, I came back happy to see my children again. I felt great and relaxed and I was sure that staying those extra days was exactly what I needed at that time.
Well, my husband and I just had a just-the-two-of-us-weekend in Amsterdam and it was wonderful! But while we were there, all we could think of was “the kids should see this!” 🙂
To compensate however, we decide to also go on one-on-one trips this summer. I will for instance take our son out for a camping night in a tree-tent (exciting!) while my husband takes our daughter somewhere else. And the week after, we change and I will take my daughter on sleepover at the coast, while dad and son will have a guys’ weekend. Sometimes, the one-on-one time is much more relaxing than travelling with the four of us. But only if it’s not too long…
I also travel for work, but it’s different, because for one, I focus on my job then, not feeling guilty about all the fun my family is missing out. And also because I feel comfortable knowing my kids are with their dad.
We do have a dillema. In October, I have to go to Cuba for work. And my husband has been dreaming to visit Cuba for ages. So he wants to join me SO MUCH! But we can’t take the kids on this business trip, among others because they have to go to school. So, will we leave them with the grandparents for 8 days? I don’t think I can…
Ha!
I wouldn’t go but it doesn’t mean that if somebody would make a decision to go I would have thought she/he is a bad parent. No.
I just know myself and situations like yours have happened a few times in our life and I simply said “no” as soon as I could. It’s just me… my hubby is different, though, and after I make a decision not to go I have to listen his complainings… lol
Countless times!
I think I would have stayed too, because I just can’t be at ease and enjoy myself if I would have any doubts concerning my children’s care. That said I must admit that I am blessed with a truly fab MIL and not half-bad FIL who take great care of our girls.
I love your post and the message that you make decisions based on what you and your family needs and it’s ok. We spend so much time parsing out the details and weighing if it’s enough to justify our own needs as moms. We don’t need to do that! Well said 😉