My three boys argue and fight. They are three very different people and they all think they are the alpha male in the house. They are all assertive kids with opinions, ideas and good vocabularies. They can stand their ground and they will physically defend themselves if attacked. Sometimes, they are the one attacking one of the others.
They are also really great fun. They are smart enough and work hard enough that they will manage school and eventually, real life. Their teachers tell me they have strong friendships but can move fluidly between social groups. Other adults frequently tell me they enjoy their company. I have enough knowledge to realise they are all emotionally attached to me in a healthy way – neither too dependent nor independent for their ages. They are perfectly capable of being together in harmony and often play together well. But they scrap most days and often more than once a day.
As a result, they are learning to make things work between them; to repair relationships when they have been ruptured; and to understand there are aspects of living in a group, which involve compromise and imperfection. They know how to apologise and they know how to dress minor wounds.
They also know they can depend on me to intervene and not allow one to bully or dominate any of the others; no one gets away with emotional blackmail. No one gets to play persecutor. No one gets to play victim. I do my best to mediate rather than rescue when things aren’t harmonious.
I doubt my boys will be friends when they are adults, and that’s just fine. Part of my parenting agenda is to not have an agenda for their adulthoods. If they do end up being friends that’s a bonus, as far as I am concerned. Raising mature and socially capable individuals is my ultimate goal and what happens next is entirely up to them.
I have friends who are very close to their siblings and friends who are not at all interested in spending time with any of their family members. Some are close in age; other are not. Some are from a group of single sex siblings; others are not. People – to me – are who they are, and some get on with one another and others don’t. I really can’t see why siblings should be any different. Yet, I seem to be alone in this point of view.
I seldom go a day without hearing a parent say: they had their children close in age…so they will be friends; they strongly desire their children to be friends when they are adults; or they despair that their children will never be friends with one another. Why? What is it that I don’t see or understand? Can anyone explain this to me?
What do you think? Is it ideal for our children to be friends with one another?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Karyn Van Der Zwet in New Zealand. Author of ‘All About Tantrums’ and the blog ‘kloppenmum‘.
Photo credit to the author.
Well, to be honest, I do really really hope my two children get along when they get older. I actually try to work on their ‘friendship’. If they fight really bad, I send them up to their common room, assigning them make things right, to take care for each other. The oldest will then read a book to the youngest. The youngest will do her best to be patient with the slow reading her big brother. Up till now, they’re 4 and 6, it works really well. They even àsk for this kind of ‘alone time’ now and then. Also, when one hurts another, his ‘punishment’ is to nurse the other, find ice and bandages, etc.
It’s not only about friendship, but about respect as well.
To me, this is really important. They don’t need to be best friends. But I truly wish they both know they can depend on each other when they grow up. When things get rough in their lifes, I hope they can turn to each other for help and support. Because their family bond will always be there. It’s not just an ordinary friendship that might faint.
I can’t really explain why this is so important to me. Maybe because both my husband and don’t have this friendship with our siblings, which we truly regret. Maybe because the youngest is adopted and we are very focused on bonding and attachment.
But your post does make me wonder if it is so important after all… Thank you for sharing!
It’s always good to hear other opinions, Katinka! I’d love our boys to feel they can rely on one another when they are older but for me it’s definitely a positive extra and not something I am aiming for. We do a lot of the same things you do – but not in order to develop their friendships with one another, simply so that they know how to ‘fix’ a relationship when things haven’t gone according to plan.
Karyn, I totally share your parenting philosophy – “Raising mature and socially capable individuals is my ultimate goal and what happens next is entirely up to them.”
I’m a bit further down that path because my son is 20 years old and my daughter is 17. Their characters are opposite in every way! One is as introverted as the other is extroverted, one is slow-to-warm-up and the other makes friends in minutes, one is all about logic, the other about creativity. They really don’t have much in common apart from having the same parents!
Of course I get a warm and fuzzy feeling when they’re (for example) baking and I hear them laughing and just having a good time together. My daughter is friends with my son’s friends, and is often invited to join her older brother at their get-togethers, but the opposite isn’t true. I know they love each other and “have each other’s back”, but neither is the other’s bff…and that’s okay! 🙂
I love the image of your kids laughing together, Simona! I am pretty sure the older boys have each other’s backs when they are at school.. but bff? Nope, not that.
I don’t think you’re alone, Karyn.
My husband, for example, thinks the same way as you.
When I first met his family among which was his sister I could feel the air getting so thick around them (mostly my husband) I could hang an ax.
He explain that to me that his sister is as any other human being and that because they are blood related or were raised under the same roof doesn’t mean they should be best friends or even like each other a little.
He is very close in age to his sister.
I, on the other hand, am far apart in age from my siblings and we are in way better relationship.
I am intrigued that you and your husband have such differing views on this, Ewa and have had such different experiences. I am pleased to hear I am not alone, that’s for sure. 😀
That’s an interesting view Karyn – I really never thought about it that way. I have one sister and she and I are very close, even thought we live 3500 miles apart. We speak to each other often and my kids absolutely adore her. I always expected the same to be the of my own children when they grow up. I often tell my son that he has to look out for his little sister, and needs to protect her. They do love each other (which is evident, since the first thing that either one of them does in the morning is to go to the other one and hug them good morning. They do fight (which is normal for siblings) over toys, or what tv program to watch for their allotted amount of time. I want them to be close as adults so that they will never be alone, esp after my husband and I are gone – they will always have each other (and hopefully their own families by then too!).
I can understand your point of view Maman Aya and having the boys being there for one another when they are older would certainly be a lovely outcome. I’m just not counting on it – they love each other, but like each other in the long tern? Not so sure and that’s OK with me.
I’m glad you raise this. I am close to my 4 siblings (although we live all spread out around the US), and I do want my boys to be close on some level. But I never really thought about why or how it affects my parenting. Is it for me? For them? Both?
In the end, because I am close to my siblings and we rely on each other, I like to think my boys can have that together. Common history can create a bond that supports you through the ups and downs of life. At the same time, you can build a community wherever you go, which I have done for the day to day aspects of my life since my family is not in close proximity.
I really like your focus on raising capable people and letting them guide their course from there. Lots to think on.
I guess I don’t value that common-ground sibling connection as much because our boys are in a school where they are with the same kids for 12 years…so their classmates are like siblings too.
Always good to hear alternative points of view, though Tara!
I think you make me think the most, Karyn! I think when you love your children so much, it’s difficult to imagine them not loving each other and not wanting to be friends. But you are so right, different personalities won’t always be a match, no matter the relationship of the people!
Fantastic post!
Jen 🙂
Thanks, Jen! So sorry to make your brain cells ache at this time of night. xx LOL
Karyn, I have always thought about this. I dont think it is completely necessary for siblings to be friends. I know a lot of people like this and like that too. And they are both fine in their own way.
That’s my thinking Purnima. Sometimes our friends become more like family than our actual blood relatives.
As the parent of one typical child and one special needs child, I have a slightly different perspective. I kind of NEED for my kids to be friends. I’m not going to be around forever, and someone is going to have to look out for my older son. I would not expect my younger son to sacrifice his own ambitions, but I sincerely hope he will grow up with a genuine desire to be there for his brother. We are working hard to foster a relationship of friendship between them. So far, signs are promising.
I can well imagine that your perspective would be different to mine, Kirsten and I appreciate you commenting to that effect. I love that you put it as wanting that your younger son have ‘a genuine desire to be there for his brother.’ That seems, to me, to be a wonderful approach to take and I am so pleased for you all that this seems to be happening already.
“Raising mature and socially capable individuals is my ultimate goal and what happens next is entirely up to them.” I love that Karyn! While I think it would be wonderful for my girls to get along and be there for each other throughout their lives, ultimately I can’t control how that plays out, that will be up to them. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Thanks for commenting, Eva…sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you! I love how we can share our ideas with one another here. Yay for WMB!!