It was a beautiful afternoon. Blue, sunny, skies warm temperatures – a perfect Seattle summer day. My three year old and I walked towards the community center holding hands. As we got closer she froze up. She stopped walking. She said, “I don’t want to go.”
I kept walking and gently nudged her. “Why don’t you want to swim tonight?” She started pulling me back, but did not answer. I picked her up and walked in. We signed in at the front desk and proceeded into the locker room to change for swimming lessons. We were running a few minutes late, so everyone had already headed out of the locker room and in to the pool.
As I pulled her shirt over her head, she started crying. “I don’t want to go to swimming lessons tonight.”
WHAT? I expected this on the first day of swimming lessons, but not on the fifth lesson.
“Why not sweetie?” I proceeded to undress her and she started crying louder.
“I don’t want swimming!”
“But you haven’t told me why.”
“Because I don’t want to!” I held the holes for the legs of her bathing suit open in front of her so she could step in it. “NO! I don’t want swimming!” I proceeded to put her bathing suit on her as she fought me. “Why don’t you want to swim? You’ve told me that it’s so much fun!”
I proceeded to rinse her off in the shower before heading to the pool and she started stomping her feet, “I don’t want to swim!”
I took her out of the shower, bent down to her level and said, “You really have had so much fun swimming at your past lessons. Is something bothering you?”
Silence.
“I am trying to understand why you don’t want to be here tonight. Can you tell me why you don’t want to go in the pool?”
Silent stare. I take her by the hand and proceed to the pool. Everyone is already in and the lessons have already started.
She started crying again and clinging to me. Yes, I was that mom with the crying kid at the edge of the pool. It may not have been true, but I felt as if all eyes were on me. Parents eager to see how I would handle this situation.
Her teacher smiled at us. I said, “Well sweetie, we are here. Your teacher looks really happy to see you and he is waiting for you to get in. Ready?”
Louder crying.
I bent down. “Well, I need to move out of this area. Look around. There are no parents standing here on the pool deck. They are over there by the benches.” She looks towards the bleachers.
“I need you to sit at the edge of the pool and I will wait for you over there.” I walked away and went to sit at the bench. She stopped crying.
She just sat at the edge of the pool with her feet in the water the whole class. She never participated. She would smile and laugh when her classmates were having fun blowing bubbles and jumping in, but when her teacher asked her if she wanted a turn, her smile would disappear and she would shake her head no.
After class was over and she showered, I asked her why she didn’t want to swim tonight. She shrugged her shoulders. A mom came over to me and said, “I’m so sorry, it looks like she was having a hard time today. You just never know how they are going to act.”
And then I realized – that is exactly it! My youngest can be so unpredictable – so unlike my oldest! I feel like my oldest never put me through the terrible 2’s and terrible 3’s. I am just not used to this. And that made me feel SO much better.
I felt (emotionally) exhausted by the time I got home. We snuggled and read some books while I had a glass of wine. I am keeping my fingers crossed for less drama at next week’s swim lesson!
Has your child ever acted the total opposite of what you expected? How did you he/she act? How did you react or handle it?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Eva Fannon. Eva can be found on Twitter @evafannon.
Photo credit to Microsoft Clip Art Gallery.
Eva Fannon (USA)
Eva Fannon is a working mom who lives in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her hubby and two girls. She was born and raised on the east coast and followed her husband out west when he got a job offer that he couldn't refuse. Eva has always been a planner, so it took her a while to accept that no matter how much you plan and prepare, being a mom means a new and different state of "normal". Despite the craziness on most weekday mornings (getting a family of four out the door in time for work and school is no easy task!), she wouldn't trade being a mother for anything in the world. She and her husband are working on introducing the girls to the things they love - travel, the great outdoors, and enjoying time with family and friends. Eva can be found on Twitter @evafannon.
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It’s hard to know what to do sometimes isn’t it? I am so pleased you didn’t force her into the water but let her watch from afar.
Our middle son sobbed in my arms for the first term of swimming, at around the same age, I just held him and we did what we could. (Mummy and child lessons, so I was in with him.) After a term and a half he was off across the pool on his own but he still had wobbles from time to time. Now at eight, he’s pretty much a fish. 😀
It does seem so hard sometimes Karyn! My oldest is a fish – always has been. I did do the “mommy & me” lessons for water adjustment with my youngest, and she loved them. She transitioned into the “no mommy” class, she had no problems…until last week. I’m hoping my youngest will be a fish in no time too! Thanks 🙂
I honestly think that I was REALLY lucky to have my “difficult” child first! Parenting my daughter was SO EASY by comparison! I think it’s totally understandable to expect our kids to, at least, be SIMILAR to each other – after all, they’re both from the same parents!
My experience has taught me that it simply isn’t so. From the pacifier to the potty-training to starting school, NOTHING was the same! They’re now 20 and 17 years old respectively and they’re still pretty much total opposites in everything.
The only advice I can give you is to keep trusting your own instincts and to never assume that because something “worked” with one child it will work for the other. 🙂
I should know better Simona – my brother and I are TOTALLY different – even though we are the same sign – LOL!
My oldest has been my easy child. She spoiled me. I just figured another girl would be the same. Boy, have I been wrong!
Thank you for the advice Simona – I do have to keep reminding myself to trust my instincts and never assume that the same thing works with both girls!
This post is very relative to my life right now. I was just telling another mom that (almost) 4 years later, and I still have not figured out how to parent my second child. Like yours, my first was so easy going, a rule follower, tantrums were limited. Her little sister is completely opposite!
And as for swimming, my 6 year old is JUST learning to swim. And swimming, unlike riding a bike or jumping rope, is much harder to master. I think it that fear that one can drown. Some days are good. Some days are bad. But I have learned not to push it. I want her to be comfortable in the water at her own pace. And to never develop a fear of the water.
Yes Angela! My first is exactly like yours – easy-going, MAJOR rule follower, barely ever a tantrum. My little one is the complete opposite as yours is. Seems so hard to believe (but I’m glad I’m not alone) 🙂
I think you are right, the key is not to push it. I do want my youngest to be comfortable and learn to love the water like my oldest, so I think that going at her pace is the best way to do that. Thanks for the reminder!
I have done swim lessons and pool visits off and on for years with my young boys, and I don’t think I have ever seen a little kid class that didn’t have at least one child sitting on the side refusing to participate. I am not trying to minimize how tough that day was for you or your daughter’s unique feelings. I completely understand and also have similar days where we are all emotionally spent and I am scratching my head to solve the puzzle. But I do think it is very, very common for some kids to freeze up and not say why. I just left my 3 year old’s soccer class where every week one of the kids must be taken home early in tears or refuses to talk to the teacher. And it varies week to week who that kid is. There is so much going on for them in these moments, and you may or may not ever learn the true reason behind their reluctance. I think it’s great to continue to encourage our little ones and go back for another try (especially if you pre-paid for a group of classes). But you also can’t force them to do anything they don’t want to do, so I just allow the outcome to be what it will be and offer love and hugs at the end. Maybe it works this week, maybe it doesn’t, but you just keep plugging away at it. Good luck!
That’s what I figured Tara – just keep plugging away at it, especially since we pre-paid for lessons through September. We went back this week and she was totally fine 🙂
This is the story of my life! My eldest is unpredictable adn something that she loved doing one day she will hate hte next. The same goes for food, activities, you name it. It’s just her. I love how well you handled this stressfull situation- I could surely learn from you! Next time something like this happens, I’ll know what to do, so thank you! PS, I agree with Simona, I got my most difficult child first, and was amazed how much easier it is with a second child (my little girl is so much calmer, more quiet).. my boy seems to be also a sweet, happy child!
Olga – I just got lucky with how I ‘handled the situation’. I was flying by the seat of my pants. I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do until I did it 🙂
Yes! This happens all the time, especially with my 3 year old! We’ll go someplace that I would expect her to really want to be, and she’ll just flat out refuse to participate. Even if it might be something she’d been begging to do! I have realized over time that kids are just like adults – they have bad days, they get scared, insecure, crabby. Just like I am not always on my game, they don’t always want to do certain things either. I have learned NOT to cave when it’s something they need to be doing (like swimming lessons) because if I give in once, it will be a battle every time!
You’re right, kids do have their bad days, just like us. I guess it’s just that they can’t always verbalize it like we can, right? I got some books on “feelings” at the library this past weekend, so we have been talking about how everyone can feel different ways and how that’s okay, and it’s also okay to let others (like me!) know 🙂 We’ll see how it goes.
And yes, that what was why I didn’t cave in Alexa – I knew that if I did, she wouldn’t want to go the following week and so on. We went back this week and she was fine – yay!
I think everyone who has a child “with character” 😉 can relate. I think we only perceive the situations as stressful because we expect them to behave in a certain way and if this doesn’t matter, we think that somehow it’s “difficult”; but it’s just different. Sure, it can be very very challenging (expecially when we are already stressed, tired etc.!) but this kind of behaviour of our children shows us that they are or become more independent. They don’t just follow the mass.
Two of my kids behave like this more often from time to time, but in very specific situations. – I found out that every time they do it it’s because something bothered them or because they’re afraid of something. – It really helps to stay calm (as a mum or parent) and try to listen to the child. Often they can’t explain what it is that bothers them and they tell us later, but even tantrums etc. have a reason and empathy really helps a lot! – Thanks for posting this and for reminding me about how to react when this happens 😉
You’re right Ute – and my little one definitely doesn’t follow the masses – she is her own character and has no qualms about moving to her own beat. Sometimes I wish I could be more like her – I think it’s our differences in personalities that make it a little harder for me to “get” her sometimes. My oldest and I are very similar in personalities and sometimes when my youngest reacts a certain way to something, my oldest and I give each other a puzzled look. I’m learning from her 🙂
This is not so uncommon over here either! Thanks for sharing your experience, Eva. I can really relate. For us, it was soccer!
Jen 🙂
Glad I’m not alone Jen 😉
What interested me the most actually was your comment about how you were feeling and what everyone else was thinking. I think that so much of how we behave in so many situations not just parenting ones are because of a kind of “peer pressure” and wondering what people are going to say. There are so many days when I really wish I didn’t care at all what anyone else thought and that makes me think about how many things in my life I should be doing differently if I went according to my heart only.
Lol- complete tangent but still…..
That is so true Susie – the “peer parent pressure”. I guess I didn’t really stop to think WHY I cared about what other people were thinking. Not that there would be “right” way to handle the situation, but I guess I didn’t want people to think I was being a bad mom. But who are they to judge?
The funny thing is that this week, about halfway through the lesson, a mom sitting by me said, “Oh, your daughter is doing so much better this week. She was so upset last week!” She didn’t say it in a mean way, but she caught me off guard because I was gloating about the fact that we had no drama this week. She burst my bubble 😉 I said, “Yes, yes she was.”