I am always amazed by how many similarities there are between my husband’s family and my own. Our mothers have the same name (even though the spelling and pronunciation are slightly different). Our parents are teachers, his at school, mine are University professors. Both families share a love and admiration of the French culture and good food. Just recently, however, there is one more thing that we now share: we have both lost our grandmothers.
This is, however, where the similarities end. My husband lost a beloved grandmother, a crucial member of his family. Me? Due to a family misunderstanding, I haven’t seen my grandmother for 20 years. The other grandparents had died when I was little, so I don’t really remember much about them.
However, I never felt that I missed anything. I liked having a small family consisting of my parents and my brother. I enjoyed the privacy and the alone time at home. I could never understand my friends when they told me how much they loved their grandparents. Neither could I understand fellow expat parents when they worried that their children wouldn’t see their grandparents much.
Maybe to you, the title seems rather obvious. You may say: “Of course, they’re important!” But to me, it wasn’t always that way.
I felt my mom was important to my children because she is my mom, and I did struggle with the concept of my mother-in-law being close to my children.
It didn’t help that while my own mom has been simply amazing, I felt that anything my MIL translated into: “You’re doing this wrong, and I can do it better”.
But now it doesn’t matter. While I was raised without grandparents, I can understand my husband’s pain of losing a beloved, close member of his family and my MIL’s pain of losing her mother. I decided to give my mother-in-law a break. One of the reasons is that I realized that while I felt she was being critical, I was being critical as well, which, let’s be frank, is not a good base for communication. But there is a more important reason.
Because children love their grandmas. Both of them. My eldest always asks me when we will visit grandma in Germany to sing songs and grandma in Poland to make uszka (pronounced “ooshka”, it means little ears. They’re tiny dumplings filled with wild mushrooms, eaten with borsht for Christmas). We Skype a lot with both grandparents. They read books and sing to the children. In fact, they’re doing a great job of staying connected to their grandchildren.
If you ask me, I’d tell you I still believe in my right to parent my children the way I see fit. I don’t believe in “sucking it up” for the sake of the children. I do also believe in picking my fights. I believe that both my in-laws and my parents make fantastic grandparents, and this is what matters.
If you ask me, I’d tell you that grandparents aren’t a necessity. I know from my own experience that a child can be raised without grandparents and thrive.
But I’d also tell you that grandparents are a luxury — one that I am gladly letting my children indulge in. Because grandmothers are important, and while I am sad it took losing my own to realize this, I am happy that my children have two wonderful, caring sets of grandparents.
How have grandparents influenced your life? How do your own parents influence the lives of your kids?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from Olga in the Netherlands.
The image used in this post is credited to the author.
Dear Olga, I so relate!
I’m very close to my maternal gran (who is turning 88 years old tomorrow) and my maternal grandpa (who died 6 years ago) despite them living in Italy and me living in South Africa.
Unfortunately my children never had the chance to get to know their grandparents much. Especially not my parents (who divorced when I was 17 years old) and with whom I was estranged for a large part of my life. My father passed away last year and he never once met or spoke to my 17 year old daughter. The last time my son had any contact with him he was 3 (he’s now 20).
My husband’s parents are the ones who made an effort to keep in contact. Even though we lived in different cities they used to phone once a week and visit once a year for 2 weeks or so.
My father-in-law passed away 19 months ago and my mom-in-law is currently in ICU. She has been on Life Support for just over a week now, and has yet to wake up or take a single breath on her own. It’s not looking good.
What makes it especially sad is that just a couple of months ago she finally agreed to move in with us. Just as my kids were starting to get used to her constant presence she got ill. 🙁
I believe that grandparents have an important role to play in the lives of their grandkids. At this stage all I can do is pray that I’ll have the chance to live close to where my children decide to settle, so that THEIR kids will have the luxury of (at least) one set of grandparents who are actually PRESENT in their lives!
I was raised miles away from my grandparents and was always jealous of other kids that got to see their grandparents every weekend. I only saw my grandparents once every few years.
I feel really blessed to see my kids live close to their grandparents and have them in their lives.
Interesting point — if you’ve lived without something, do you really miss it?
I didn’t really know one set of my grandparents, but I treasure the stories of their lives, and I’ve sat with my great uncle to hear their stories and the stories of his parents, my great grandparents.
My other set of grandparents I knew really well, in fact, my grandmother is 95 and here on the planet! I can’t imagine life without them. They bring not only a different kind of love, but also a different kind of knowledge.
I remember starting work on Wall. St. out of college, and my grandfather lecturing me on President Hoover, and how I should never buy stocks on margin (Putting a small percentage of money down for a stock purchase and paying the rest when you sell.) He lived through the Great Depression, and he saw people ruined from this. I had learned about it from the history books, but it was really interesting hearing his perspective and his warnings!
My grandmother told me stories about her parents and growing up. To read more about her (Our 2nd post on World Moms Blog when we launched in 2010!!), go here:
http://www.worldmomsblog.com/2010/11/02/a-lost-piece-of-americana/
We moved back to NJ to be closer to a set of grandparents for my children, and their other grandparents visit often. I am truly grateful for their relationship with our kids. It is fun, and the grandparents will give them a different perspective on the world.
Your post really made me think, Olga. Thank you for writing it!
Jen 🙂
Thank you for your kind replies. I am not sure about the missing part: I know some of my friends regretted not having a grandmother because she died when they were little. I liked being raised in a little family but I think I can understand the feeling of missing out on an experience when everybody is talking about it as if you were wrid for not having a grandmother. However, now that I come to think of it, I see the influence of grandmothers in my family: as you see in the picture, my mom and my daughter have the same hair. J’s hair colour comes from my not one but two red-haired grandmothers.She is also little-like me- and like my grandmothers (the rest of my family is quite big, and I am petite). My older daughter and my son have my husband’s beautiful blue eyes, but I know where he got it from- his mother. And last but not least, I come from a family with a long tradition of multilingualism and living abroad- my both grandmothers lived outside of Poland, and the grandmother that just died was Ukrainian…So yes, I presume grandmothers are more important that I cared to see.
Beautiful post. I can relate to to an extent. I grew up with my grandmother and to me she was like a second mother. However, I get the bit about the MIL. I had a hard time coming to terms with the intensity of her love for my son. I let my insecurities get the better of me and I never stood up for myself when criticism came my way. Now that she is gone, I can hardly believe it, but I do miss her. I now realise that apart from his dad and me, there is no on else who will love my son with that intensity for a long time. My own mum is a loving caring but somewhat distant and she has never met my son in the flesh. She is afraid to fly. So yes, having a grandparent is now a luxury of the modern family. Thanks for sharing your story. It touched me.
I can completely relate Olga! I grew up with my grandparents who lived far away in Israel. I would maybe see them for a short amount of time every few years. I never even knew my maternal grandmother, as she died when my mother was a child. I am still lucky to have my grandmother alive (my maternal grandfather died when I was a child and my paternal grandfather a few months ago), but we do not have a close relationship, simply because i don’t see or speak to her very often. I feel that my children are incredibly lucky to have my mother raising them (she is their babysitter when i am at work), and they see their other grandparents quite often. They cherish all of their time with all of their grandparents, and def love all of them very much! I know that they are lucky to have all of them, and see that they feel it too. 🙂
I only had one grandparent growing up because the others had passed on before I was even born. I loved her SO much and have many fond memories of time spent with her. She nurtured many interests which in today’s modern world are quickly becoming obsolete (embroidery, sewing, baking).
My kids have been fortunate enough to know all four grandparents and I am so happy about that. You are right – they are like a luxury, but I am happy to let both sides (grandparents and grandchildren) indulge in it too 🙂 Thanks for sharing Olga!