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My mom has just been diagnosed with dementia. I knew it in my heart even before the geriatrician announced his diagnosis. The signs were there – her poor memory, her inability to reason, and in recent times, her increased anxiety and (almost incessant) repetitive questioning. That last bit has been the hardest part to deal with.
At the moment, I am very blessed to have a good live-in helper. But her work contract is coming to an end soon and I am not confident that she will stay. If I’m in her position, I’ll choose to work elsewhere. It is one tough job.
So a thought that I have pushed away for a while is resurfacing: Should I send my mom to a nursing home?
While it seems common for people in the ‘West’ to live in a nursing home in their old age, the decision to send one’s parents to an old folks’ home in this part of the world is often imbued with moral implications.
Here, we are inculcated with the value of filial piety from young and children are expected to look after their parents in their old age. Sending one’s parents to a nursing home is often frowned upon as being unfilial.
A long time ago, I used to think the same way, too, that sending one’s parents to a nursing home is wrong. Back then, life was just black or white; grey was not accommodated. But after I graduated from university and started my first job as a medical social worker, it opened my eyes to the predicaments of caregiving and I realized my views had been too simplistic. Placing one’s parents in a home does not mean the children no longer love or care for their parents. Sometimes, it’s simply that the level of care required by the elderly person is beyond the children’s abilities to manage.
Yet those insights I had gained as a social worker do not lessen the struggles and guilt I now face regarding my mom’s care. I can’t predict the future, but I foresee that it is going to be a long and challenging journey. I am not trying to be pessimistic but reality is, such given the limited financial and community resources as well as lack of social support.
You see, I am an only child, I don’t have a sibling to share the responsibility with. While my husband tries to help, I feel that I should not burden him with it.
Wife. Mom. Daughter. It’s one tough juggling act. How do I prioritize? How much sacrifices do I have to make, how much care do I have to give before saying that I really can’t cope anymore? Sometimes, it’s just too hard to let go, because it feels as if you have given up hope on the person requiring care. It feels as if you are telling them they have no more hope and there’s nothing to live for.
On a more positive note, caring for my mom has gotten my husband and me to think seriously about our old age. Hopefully when the day come for us to be needing care, we will not end up as a burden to our kids.
Have you been in a similar situation or know someone who has been. What is your advice?
Oh Ruth, I know how it is to send parents/in-laws to a home, in this part of the world. I also understand your resonsibilites and all the juggling act. Whatever you do, trust yourself and have the confidence that you are doing the best for everyone involved. May God be with you at this difficult phase in life. This too shall pass, dear!
Thank you my friend, Purnima. I really do pray that I can make the best decision as you say.
Ruth,
BIG hugs, to you and your mom. Only you know what you have on all your plates. I know you’ll make the right decision, no matter what you choose.
I have an uncle in an “assisted living” center now. I visit him with the girls often, and he is enjoying it there because there are always people all around and they have social events and games.
Stay strong, and we are here for you whenever you need to talk!
Jen 🙂
Thank you, Jen! You have always been such a huge encouragement for all of us.
I wish we have more facilities, I don’t think we have any “assisted living” centres here, at least not that I know of. I think that would be a good place for my mom but too bad we don’t have it here.
Ruth, I am sending you prayers and big hugs. May your heart and the truth guide you into the right direction. It is very difficult isn’t? I understand it completely…I think it’s part of our Asian culture but my grandma (my father’s mother) stayed in a nursing home because she refused to move to Jakarta with us. She was happy there because she got friends her age to talk with.
Sending you lots of love and hugs, Ruth.
Thanks, Maureen! And your grandma sounds like one very strong woman! At least she made the decision to stay in a nursing home but in my case, my mom is not exactly capable of making the decision. I can only pray for wisdom to know what’s the best thing to do for her.
What a difficult predicament Ruth! I completely understand (even though I am from the “west”). I know of plenty of scenarios where older people really enjoy living in an assisted living situation, but it is not for everyone. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so continue to ride this roller-coaster called life, and it will all come together for you, as it should. Sending hugs!
I also believe that God has a reason for allowing certain things to happen but just that at this moment, it’s so hard to make sense of it all. I can’t see the end point, so I can only take one step at a time. Nevertheless, thank you Mama Aya for those words and for your hugs!
Ruth, here in Brazil it is also seen as wrong to put parents or relatives in an elderly’s home – I understand your dilemma perfectly. For you to have an idea, my mom’s 2nd husband died recently and some people think I should bring here to live with me even if she does not want to. She lives alone in another city, in a huge house, and her health is not that good, so many people say I have “abandoned” her even though it is her will to stay there.
All the best for you and your family!!!!
It’s so easy for outsiders to judge. When I mentioned to the doctors and social workers that we are considering putting my mom in a home because of the challenges we face, I can sense their disapproval. Well, at the end of the day, we just have to do the best we can, we can’t try to please everyone and end up being miserable. I’m so glad someone understands what I’m going through, thanks EcoZiva!
My mom was in the same situation as you, Ruth.
My grandmother had an Alzheimer. My mom took her to live with them and those years where one of the most hard years in my parents life.
My parents were working and they had to leave my grandmother locked in their apartment so she couldn’t get out because she would’ve wondered away and get lost. But at the same time they never knew what my grandmother is going to do at the house while they were gone. She had all kinds of weird ideas… Don’t want to go into the details.
They lived like that for several years but today my moms said that if she had to do it again she would not take he mom to live with her. She would definitely give her to a nursing home.
Good luck to you! and warm hugs!
So sorry to hear about your mom Ruth. My husband recently dealt with a similar situation when my father-in-law (FIL) was diagnosed with dementia.
My FIL stayed home with my mother-in-law (MIL) until my husband and his siblings realized that he needed more care than she could provide – then they moved their dad to an assisted living facility because it was truly the best thing for his – and my MIL’s – health.
I recognize that it’s a difficult decision to make…wishing you a clear mind and open heart if you are faced with it.