Writing this post was the most challenging of all the posts I’ve ever written. You may not find it that valuable, but I will still go with writing and publishing it. Actually I wanted and needed to write, but I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to share it. My thoughts and my mind are a real mess.
Since the beginning of the 2013, life was really hard for me. First, I lost my father, and although I was accepting this fact and apparently I was calm, I was unaware that I was plunging into depression. It took me five months to realize it and accept the idea that I needed therapy. When I started to feel better, the situation in Egypt deteriorated, and we were under curfew for months. I was imprisoned at home and rarely went out. I lost interest in everything except the political talk shows, but later on I realized that was the main cause of my feeling down and fearful most of the time. I totally lost motivation to do anything and lost interest in anything. All I wanted was to stay still and silent for hours.
I stopped working on different projects I had already started. I stopped exercising, reading, writing on my personal blog, and could barely commit to my World Moms Blog monthly post. Honestly, I didn’t want to do anything. I used to spend long hours doing nothing and just staring into the space. I avoided people by all means, and my depression was really harmful to my children. I couldn’t keep them committed to their exercising schedule. My younger son didn’t join any sport activity for more than three months. My two sons spent almost their whole four month long vacation playing games on the computer. Although, I was really against letting them waste such long hours in front of the computer monitor, I couldn’t do anything about it.
When I tried to understand why I was feeling this way, I found out that the stressful and major incidents of this year had negatively affected my life emotionally.
I felt heavy, fearful and unable to enjoy anything. I was overeating, finding relief in food, and I ended up gaining weight. I was over-thinking and found relief in spending time in silence away from even the people I love. I was looking for relief, but I didn’t really know where to find it. I always imagined my mind and my life to be like the sea water when the latter is agitated the water is never clear, it is mixed with the sand. The water can be clear only when the sea is calm.
Questions were ringing in my mind: How can I keep sane in a very uncertain, crazy and unsafe environment? How can I not get affected by all the painful personal and public events?
Every day people and children are killed in acts of terrorism because of a group of people who claim they are fighting for their rights. Others are killed in car accidents because of negligence and carelessness of the drivers. Poverty is increasing because of the economic crisis. Poor people are screaming and not only suffering, but expecting a better life that’s not arriving. Traffic jams are all day long not only during the rush hours. Most people have put their lives on hold awaiting the situation to improve in the country but it isn’t really happening. Nothing is improving.
I know that the improvement won’t happen overnight, and it may take us years to feel the improvement in different aspects of our lives. Still, I feel stuck and unable to move forward and cope. I feel stuck in everything – even in writing this post.
Nothing excites me and I force myself to commit only to the very basic needs of my family, but at the same time I can’t connect with them. I feel emotionally separated from the whole world.
It’s really bad to feel that way but I think many women like me have gone through similar experiences during their lives for one reason or another. To get out of it I decided not to think a lot and accept the idea that we all face similar challenges during our life journey. I decided to stop forcing myself to work on intellectual projects and just work on hand crafts. I always liked and made cross stitching, knitting, needle works projects. I decided to give my mind a break, stop forcing my mind to think about my coaching business and how to market it after all the failures and rejections I got during the past two years. I will enjoy making colorful table runners, wall and cushions quilts to shift my mind and get rid of all the negative feelings I have. I need to get my mind clear like the water of the calm sea to find out what can I do with my life .
Have you been in a similar situation? When have you felt that you were totally stuck and unable to move forward? How could you overcome this feeling and keep going on with your life?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Nihad from Alexandria, Egypt. Nihad blogs at Aurora Beams Life Coaching.
Image courtesy of “Stressed man among question marks” by Master isolated images FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Exactly! I asked myself daily, this question again & again. My head is never clear, always in the state of murky water, always filled with anxiety although I kept reciting mantras ,”Love yourself” , “Move forward for the kids” , “Don’t regret your youth days, the past is in the past”.
I over think things whenever my husband leaves for business trips. I kept doing my bead work, my sewing projects, crocheting whenever I’m alone at home while my teenagers are at school. I kept myself busy so I will have no time to over think unnecessary stuff.
I hope you are coping well now, Nihad. I’m still struggling to stay calm & positive, myself. I understand political stability is important for the future of our kids. I wish & pray you & your family to stay strong & positive during these difficult times.
Thanks for reading my post and sorry for the late reply 🙂
I feel better now, I realized that part for being not able to do anything, staying still for hours, overeating, … etc was the antidepressant I was using, I stopped taking it and I feel so much better, it’s true that sometimes I am so irritated as I can’t cope with what is happening around me but at least I feel alive, I feel again. I made a lot of handcrafts during the past six months and I think seriously of making it a business. This is the positive side of the experienced 🙂
Thanks again and wish you a happy life
Nihad, please know that you are not alone! So many of us – women, mothers, people – have gone through this kind of existential malaise. And when things like political instability and the loss of a loved one are thrown in the mix it’s no wonder things are looking down. Please give yourself a big hug from your world mom sisters and know that we are thinking of you and sending you lots of healing prayers and energy. Things will get better!
Thanks for reading my post and sorry for the late reply 🙂
Yes this is exactly what happened, it’s better now and I hope they will be more and more soon. The experience had many positive sides as I mentioned with Jac Kie I decided to make a business of handcrafts as I realized how interested I am in this kind of activity and it fulfilled the creativity need I missed in my life. In addition I realized that using medicine like antidepressant is very harmful, it’s not helpful as I thought, it negatively affected my life.
Thanks for your warm emotions and your prayers, that’s what I love most about WMB community
I wish you a happy life
A strong hug to you Nihad in those hard and difficult times!
What makes a difference to me in troubled times is praying. I “put my hand in the hand of the man who stilled the waters”, to quote a song and go with your picture. Relating to Someone bigger than myself gives me peace. Maybe you need to “check out” different adressees for your prayers until you find actual answers (in my case I pray to the God of the Bible and to Jesus). Many people have found it interesting what happend after an honest: “God, if you are there, please give me a sign!”
The other thing is that I really want to encourage you to continue what you did when looking for therapy. Clinical depression requires proper treatment, maybe even with medication. I hope this is available for you even in those unstable times in your country.
I wish you well from all my heart. Your people in Egypt and other areas of crisis in this world are often on my mind!
Thanks for reading my post and sorry for the late reply 🙂
I feel better now, I used medication and it was good in the beginning I was able not to react to unpleasant situations or irritated because of others intruding my life but later on I realized that part for being not able to do anything, staying still for hours, overeating, … etc was the antidepressant I was using, I stopped taking it and I feel so much better, it’s true that sometimes I am so irritated as I can’t cope with what is happening around me but at least I feel alive, I feel again. I totally agree wit you that prayer can really help. Feeling protected and supported by someone bigger (as you said) and someone stronger than me is really helpful.
Thanks again for you warm emotions and feelings. I wish you a happy life 🙂
Nihad,
We are all here for you!! I wish I was there to give you a great big hug. What can we do to help?
I felt like I was in a similar situation when I was going through miscarriage after miscarriage when I was trying for my second child. It was a really rough time for me. I felt that same guilt as you wrote about — my daughter watched more TV during that time than I had wanted her to. Do not feel guilty. Your children are safe. Tomorrow is a new day. Focus on what you can do and not what you didn’t do during this time. The future is yours.
Don’t be afraid to see a doctor or feel like you have to handle depression on your own. Is that option available to you?
For moms experiencing depression and online, we also send them over to Katherine Stone’s great site: Post Partum Progress: http://www.postpartumprogress.com
Katherine is amazing and her site is helpful!
I will be in touch, and I’ve been thinking of you all day! xxxoooo
Jen 🙂
Thanks for reading my post and sorry for the late reply 🙂
I feel a lot better now, I used medication but later on I realized that part for being not able to do anything, staying still for hours, overeating, … etc was the antidepressant I was using, I stopped taking it and I feel so much better, it’s true that sometimes I am so irritated as I can’t cope with what is happening around me but at least I feel alive, I feel again. I returned back to my exercising routine and replaced some gym sessions by swimming lessons and found it magical. Water makes me feel relaxed. I will check the website and thank you for your emotions and support
I wish you a happy life 🙂
What a heart-wrenching post, Nihad. I wish you to know I am thinking of you and sending you best thoughts.
Thanks Karyn 🙂
Nihad, so sorry to read about the loss of your father and the situation in your country. Life can sometimes be very tough so please be easy on yourself during this hugely trying time. I’m sure that focusing on creative rather than intellectual pursuits will help give your mind a rest. Please keep us posted on how you’re doing – sending you huge hugs.
Thanks for reading my post and sorry for the late reply 🙂
I feel better now, handcrafts made a great difference and were very helpful it made me find a way to be creative, something that i missed so much foor my whole life.
Thanks again for you warm emotions and feelings. I wish you a happy life 🙂
Nihad, your honesty and raw emotions seeps out of this post and I feel for you. I wish writing it will bring some relief in a way. I remember feeling like that after my divorce. It’s painful and so hard but you will find that peace again but sometimes we just need to acknowledge our feelings and let them washes over us. I wish you the best. Sending you big virtual hugs.
Thanks for reading my post and sorry for the late reply 🙂
I feel better now, I used medication and it was good in the beginning but later on I realized that part for being not able to do anything, staying still for hours, overeating, … etc was the antidepressant I was using, I stopped taking it and I feel so much better.
Thanks again for you warm emotions and feelings. I wish you a happy life 🙂
Dearest Nihad, I add my own hug to those already sent by some of the awesome people I feel blessed to know through WMB.
I totally hear you because I’ve battled Clinical Depression several times in my life. The bad news is that (while you’re still in the grip of it) nothing anyone can say or do will really be helpful to you. The good news is that (as you have done) once you acknowledge you are depressed and “stuck”, you’re already on the road to getting better!
Please remember that Depression FEEDS on your feelings of guilt and of “not being good enough”. I know it doesn’t help for others to tell you not to feel guilty … it only helps if YOU start being less hard on yourself!!
There is also a lot of misconception about anti-depressant medication. It is not a “happy pill” that puts you on an artificial “high”, nor does it magically make all your troubles disappear. What it DOES do (provided you and your doctor take the time and trouble to find the right one at the right dose) is take you back to “normal”. In other words, it will help restore you to the Nihad who DID have the energy and will to live life to the fullest.
In my case, I’ll be on an anti-depressant for the rest of my life, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. To me, taking something to help regulate the brain chemicals is no different than taking insulin because you’re diabetic. For some people a short course of anti-depressant is sufficient. At the end of the day, we need to do whatever is necessary to feel as healthy as possible, because that’s what our family needs from us more than anything else.
Also, I’m not very religious but (at my worst) repeating the following over and over again was comforting to me:
“Dear Lord, please grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
Thanks Simona, I felt every word you said and totally agree with it about antidepressant. The situation in Egypt is not that good about using them. The doctors are not that patient to try with you for so long until you find out the one that suits you. Many of them think they know the right thing for you and you have to bear until you cope with the medication.In the beginning it was good I was able not to react to unpleasant situations or irritated because of others intruding my life but later on I realized that part for being not able to do anything, staying still for hours, overeating, … etc was the antidepressant I was using. I reduced it gradually then stopped taking it and I feel so much better now, it’s true that sometimes I am so irritated as I can’t cope with what is happening around me but at least I feel alive, I feel again.
I rely on make physical effort by exercising and I feel better. I contact friends. I know that in my case it isn’t a biological need to use the medication, it was only the environment around which I couldn’t cope with that made me use this medication.
Thanks again for you warm emotions and feelings. I wish you a happy life and healthy 🙂
Oh Nihad, what a wonderful post you wrote!
It struck me. You know, I don’t think I suffer from depression. I can still enjoy small and great things in life, most of the days. But I do kind of recognize the blackness you have been in or are still in. It feels like my ‘though’ days.
Yesterday was one like it, so the feeling is still very fresh.The evening before I came home from a business trip. I has been an exhausting few days of networking, lobbying, trying to get the feel of a complex network of people and ‘powers’. The kids had dreaded that I had been away from them. I felt guilty, but the same time I couldn’t find the energy to comfort them and catch up the lost time. I just wanted to be left alone. For a day, I hated my job. I resented myself. I didn’t mind my kids watching a lot of television and playing videogames (knowing I’m quite anti-screen). I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to have any responsibilities. Even deciding to wash up, was to hard a task.
But today was better. My husband dragged me out of the couch and forced me to take a shower. We peeled the last kilo’s of apples from our garden together -including our 4yo daughter who managed peeling 2 apples in 2 hours – and made a whole year supply of applesauce. I didn’t like it. I wanted to escape several times. But it did force me to face reality. And by the end of the day, I actually laughed, a little bit.
I know, by experience, that tomorrow will be even better, and I’ll be OK or more, for another few weeks. Until I get exhausted again.
So Nihad, I won’t presume that I know what you are going through. My experiences only last a couple of days at the most. I just can’t imagine the strength you must have to recognize your depression and to deal with it.
Please don’t believe that you are weak or should feel guilty. You must be so incredibly STRONG to face your depression. And you’re not only facing it, you’re also writing about it. And by doing so, helping others, by letting them know they’re not alone. In my opinion, recognition is one of the strongest tool there is to conquer though times. Thank you for that.
Thanks for reading my post and sorry for the late reply 🙂
I experienced this feeling of exhaustion when I was working. I worked for more than 20 years as a software engineer and I used to go on business trips for few days. I felt as you feel now but what I am going through, specially with my father’s death was extremely more than I can imagine. Our life became crazy because of my mother response to his death. I felt our lives became a big mess because of her, while i couldn’t do anything about my business or couldn’t earn money. I felt totally lost.
I feel better now, I am coping better with everything and started working again.
Thanks again for interest and you warm emotions and feelings. I wish you a happy life 🙂
Dear Nihad – I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I too have suffered from deep depression and I know what it is like to feel completely alone. I know it’s an illusion, but it’s hard to see past darkness that blankets you. I have learned a few things that have helped me. First of all, recognizing depression for what it is as soon as I can helps me from allowing it to progress too bad. I tell myself – okay – you have depression. Now what are you going to do about it. The very act of recognizing it and addressing it seems to really help so you don’t spiral down. If I ignore it, it gets really bad and can be very hard to pull out of. But despite best intentions, sometimes you are in a depression without quite realizing how you got there. Remember you are never alone. Part of the evil of depression is it makes you not desire to reach out to anyone or do anything. Ironically, these are the very things that can help. Find a friend (or more) who listens without judging and who you find soothing. Part of the depression is often a sadness with the way your life is working out or a conviction that you are not worthy of love. Having someone care and nurture you proves depression its wrong and brings at least a little taste of joy. Then focus on distracting yourself with things you find interesting and stimulating. It sounds like you are doing a good job of that with your cross stitching and needlework. It may be also that your depression stems from your life not working out the way you had hoped. Although not fun, depression can potentially be a wake up call to revisit your life dreams and figure out exactly what you want and make a plan to get there. When your dream is in place and see the steps to get there and you start taking those steps, the depression really does fall away. Progress gets us excited about life because we feel like we’re on track to live the life we want. Anyway, big hugs and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I originally stumbled across your blog when I was looking for someone from Egypt to answer a question for me. What is the common way to say father and grandfather in Egypt? It was my understanding that baba meant father, but then I read somewhere else where a girl was calling her grandfather baba. Also, would the first letter be capped? baba vs. Baba. I hope this is okay to ask. I am writing a story and want to be accurate.
Hi Sarah,
First thank you for taking the time to read my post and to share with me your thought and experience, it’s so kind of you. I will let you know what I went through during the past few months as reply to your message in a later reply as I am so busy today and tomorrow.
I will answer your question now. Children usually in many cities in Egypt call their dads baba as you said (some may use papa, papy or dady if they learn in language schools) it is written in small letters as it is not a proper noun and usually it isn’t written in English but in Arabic and this lat has no capital or small letters. In other areas like Upper Egypt or Saini use different words. For grandfathers kids usually use “gedo” but some kids who have lost their fathers or their mothers are divorced and they don’t see their fathers may call their grandpa “baba” as they need to feel they have a father. Hope you find the answer helpful and I will be back to you and all the group soon to reply your comments that I didn’t do because what I was going through.
Thank you so much Nihad. That was exactly what I needed to know. I do hope that when you have the time you will share how you have been handling things. I am a constant work in progress and enjoy hearing what has helped others.
I feel better now, I stopped taking it and I feel so much better, it’s true that sometimes I am so irritated as I can’t cope with what is happening around me but at least I feel alive, I feel again. I am trying to keep myself busy most of the time, focus on the blessings in my life specially my kids (I enjoy having quality time with them). After stopping the antidepressant I have the energy to exercise so I keep myself commit to do it 3 times a week. Go out with my friends and enjoy their company specially the ones I believe they really care about me and they did support me during my down time.
I have more energy and working on different projects now. For me working is a medication 🙂
Thanks for your support and warm feelings. I wish you a happy life 🙂