Change is painful. The myriad of cliches, affirmations, memes and inspirational quotes on this subject are testament that this is a widespread problem. No one knows this better than us mothers. From the moment of conception, change happens at an incredibly fast pace. Our babies go from helpless newborns to defiant toddlers in the blink of an eye. Blink again and they’ve left home to start families of their own!
Not only do our offspring change, but we do as well. At every stage we must adapt to new demands. I’m not the only mom who actually wanted her child to grow, change and reach milestones as soon as possible. What I wasn’t prepared for was the sense of loss that accompanied each change. In a strange way, it was as if I was mourning the baby that had been replaced by the toddler, the toddler replaced by the child, and so on.
My son is now 23 years old. Two years ago he moved away from home to live abroad with his girlfriend (now wife!) and her family in Germany. Thanks to Skype, we still talk often, but this change has been the toughest one for me so far. As grateful as I am for my in-laws’ generosity in giving my son the opportunity to live and study in Germany, I can’t help feeling sad that my son is now more part of their family than ours. Also, I’ve had to come to terms with the idea of not living close to (eventual) grandchildren.
Don’t get me wrong, as a mother, all I truly care about is that my son is healthy and happy (which he is). This has been a very positive change for him, and I am incredibly proud of the awesome young man he has become. I’m the one who wasn’t quite ready for this change, even though, objectively, I know it’s the best thing for him.
This change from mother to mother-in-law really is my most challenging change so far. I have a new understanding for what my late mother-in-law must have felt when my husband told her he was going to stay in Cape Town with me, instead of moving to Durban with them. Whether in a different city or on a different continent, the result is the same – it’s simply impossible to be present in the lives of your child and possible grandchildren.
It took my mother-in-law over 20 years to accept me, and I suffered a lot in that time. I vowed to never put my daughter-in-law through what I went through. Yet, if I’m being scrupulously honest, there’s a little part of me that resents the fact that my son has moved to a different continent, and that he was willing to learn German, but I never managed to get him to learn Italian, my own mother tongue.
Change is as inevitable as death and taxes. It is counter-productive to strive to keep things the way they are. It is much better to embrace each change as a new adventure. The problem is that I’ve never been adventurous!
How do you deal with the stress caused by changes in your life? Do you have any advice for me, to help me overcome my resentment?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Mama Simona from Cape Town, South Africa.
Photo credit: Conal Gallagher / Flickr.
Mamma Simona (South Africa)
Mamma Simona was born in Rome (Italy) but has lived in Cape Town (South Africa) since she was 8 years old. She studied French at school but says she’s forgotten most of it! She speaks Italian, English and Afrikaans. Even though Italian is the first language she learned, she considers English her "home" language as it's the language she's most comfortable in. She is happily married and the proud mother of 2 terrific teenagers! She also shares her home with 2 cats and 2 dogs ... all rescues. Mamma Simona has worked in such diverse fields as Childcare, Tourism, Library Services, Optometry, Sales and Admin! (With stints of SAHM in-between). She’s really looking forward to the day she can give up her current Admin job and devote herself entirely to blogging and (eventually) being a full-time grandmother!
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Simona,
Thank you for sharing what you are feeling with your son moving away. My husband moved from the UK to the US to be with me, and your post gave me some insight on how my mother-in-law may have felt when he left the UK. It is not easy.
I moved 3 and 1/2 hours from my parents when I was getting married and I was there until after I had my first born. In the end, I moved closer to my family in her first year. When I told my mom I was moving back, she scoldingly told me not to joke with her. She didn’t think I was seriously moving back up to New Jersey! You never know what the future can hold. 😉
You’re right, Jennifer, miracles do happen. 🙂 Meanwhile I’m grateful to still have my daughter at home with me!
Simona, like you said, changes are inevitable and should be embraced. Of course I’m sure you feel some resentment and disappointment that your child has moved away. It may never go away, and it’s human nature to keep those feelings. But you can also embrace the new role that your son has entered into, as a husband, and your new role as a mother-in-law. It’s great that you want to have a different relationship with your daughter-in-law, seems you’re off to a great start!
Changes seem to follow me around, we move every few years because of my husband’s job. We never know which country we’ll be off to next. Considering that I like to make plans in advance, and make detailed schedules even for holidays, I think I’ve adapted quite well to our transient life. I think I’ve managed by focusing on making the changes easier for my child and husband – not too sure if this is helpful but it makes my world a little less crazy when I’m keeping busy!
Thank you for your comment, Karen. I think that what makes it a bit tougher for me at the moment is that my son hasn’t contacted me once since we got back to South Africa after his wedding 3 months ago. When he first moved to Germany we would speak to him via Skype at least once a week, but for the past 3 months he doesn’t answer. 🙁 I’ve tried Skype, email, Facebook, WhatsApp and I’ve kept my comments “light” like “I hope you’re all well, I know you’re busy but we’d love to hear from you. We love you and are very proud of you” – and still nada. My daughter in-law sent me a message simply saying that everyone’s fine bur she’s frustrated with my son because he hasn’t finished signing the Thank You Cards for the wedding gifts! That’s it. I keep reminding myself that “no news is good news” but it *really* feels as if I’ve totally lost my son. 🙁