When the wee lad was born, we had read all about the baby’s development, up until that point. I mean, that I had read everything there was to read about the pregnancy, including what was happening to the baby and what was happening to me. There was so much to focus on, and it didn’t actually cross my mind that I should read the next chapter, i.e. what happens when the baby is actually there.
To be honest, I had also skipped the chapter that was focusing on the birth, as I found it too scary! I was just so caught up in the moment, and there was so much information to deal with that I didn’t have the capacity to read about the next steps.
So, when we got home from the hospital, we had to start quickly reading about what to do now and what to expect from this little person. And, in addition to reading, there was no lack of “helpful” suggestions from family and friends on what kind of routine we should follow. And, of course, there was the advice from health workers and also from the people working in the “baby shops”. (I was this close to losing my mind!)
The “official” advice in Norway is that babies should be fed on demand – if he is hungry, he should be fed. Sounds fair enough, but how do you know if he is hungry, or not? I was told that I would hear the difference in his cry. (Imagine how bad I felt as a mother when I couldn’t hear any difference!)
So, when he cried we fed him. This was exhausting, as he cried a lot. So, after some more advice and as the lad got bigger, we managed to get into a feeding routine. And, we were so proud with ourselves!
Then, there was the issue of the sleeping arrangements. Should we “co-sleep” (when the baby sleeps in the mums’ bed), or should he sleep in his own bed? And, what type of bed should he have: a little cot or a big cot? Should we have a Moses basket for when the baby sleeps in the daytime, or is it ok for him to sleep in his cot in the daytime?
And, can he sleep in the pram? (Or, would we need a special pram with extra ventilation for the baby to sleep in, which a shop assistant insisted?) Should the baby be swaddled, or not? (Again, I was just about to lose my mind with all these questions!)
Don’t even get me started on how to choose a pram!
We found that advice differs from country to country, so between my parents in Norway, my parents-in-law in the UK, and my brother-in-law in California, we were so lucky that we got lots of different advice. We felt that we could pick and choose what suited us best. But, at the hospital we were told to be careful about listening to advice from other countries, as they may not be as good as the “official Norwegian guidelines” – but why would the advice given in Norway be any better than advice in other countries? So that made me even more confused! (And, as a new mom, I was not at the point, yet, where I trusted own opinion.)
So, we decided to get some books to figure out what was “correct”. One of the books actually made me cry. It suggested to follow a strict routine when it comes to feeding, eating and nappy changing; and, it was only when the baby was about 3 months old that the routine would allow me to go for a walk!
I totally panicked, and my husband kindly took the book away from me. The other book was a bit more flexible and just gave a rough outline for a routine. It actually allowed me to go for walks. But, I still didn’t feel all that comfortable with it. In the end, we decided to try to use “common sense”.
Now that we had the routines (kind of) under control, I started to read another book, this time about the development of the baby. It read that this month the baby should smile, then the next month he should try to put his toes in his mouth, and then he should try to turn around and so on, and so on. Imagine my worry when he turned over before he even tried to eat his toes! I actually found myself helping him put his toes in his mouth (something he found really funny, so I managed to make him laugh and made myself feel like a good mother again).
I stopped reading baby books all together, and I feel so much better for it. I don’t actually know when he will get his next tooth, when he is supposed to start walking, or when he will say his first word. All I know is that he can now finally hold his own bottle (at 9 months old) and that he has lots of teeth already, and I am sure he will get some more…at some point. And hopefully, he will have started both, walking and talking, by the time he starts school (as most kids do). So, I will try not to worry too much about when it will all happen.
What was your best piece of new parent advice? Did you find a certain baby book helpful? Please share with World Moms Blog in the comments below!
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Asta Burrows in Oslo, Norway. Asta can be found on her Facebook Page or on Twitter @AstaBurrows.
Photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/pedroklien/2853811359/. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Asta,
My favorite baby book was “The Happiest Baby on the Block” by Dr. Harvey Karp: http://www.happiestbaby.com/.
I liked the way he tied caring for the baby into anthropology, too. We had read some others, and like you, they stressed us out! But, this one we will be rereading in time for when our baby arrives in March!
As for new parent advice…put lots of meals in your freezer beforehand!! Sleep when the baby sleeps is the best advice, but I found it impossible to follow!
Veronica Samuels
Hi Veronica, thanks for you comment!
I did get the advice about sleeping when the baby sleeps, but I found I just felt guilty about it as there was so much to do in the house. Looking back I realise I was far too focused on “keeping up appearances” and making sure the dishes was done etc, rather than looking after myself 🙂
Asta
Asta,
With my first child (who is now three and a half) we didn’t read any books. I figured that I had enough common sense to figure it out as we went along. But everyone was pushing books at me and they were all saying different things!!! I went with my gut instincts, and what I felt I could live with also, as I was the one dealing with all the changes in my life and knew what I could handle or not handle.
the best two pieces of advice i received were of course sleep when the baby does, which I managed to do quite well only because i was recovering from a c-section and was constantly tired; and get the baby on YOUR schedule.
Of course number 2 was against everything the books and doctors were saying. They wanted us to get on the babies schedule! What!!! I could just imagine (being a teacher) what was going to happen later in life if we changed everything about our lives to work around the baby. What kind of child would he be if he got everything he wanted when he wanted? Well, needless to say, I made a schedule that worked for me and he fit right into it.
On the other hand when our daughter arrived two years later, my world was turned upside down. My c-section recovery was not as easy as the first, plus i had a toddler to run around after and play with and give attention to. And my daughter was not the easy baby my son was. She wanted mommy full time (when the nurses assured me that I should devote the majority of my time to my older son since the infant wouldn’t need me as much). I tried my best, but it was not easy.
The best advice I can give anyone having their second child with a sibling older than 1 and a half, is try your best to give that older sibling as much attention as possible. The baby won’t remember that time, but the older sibling will, and they will be confused as to why this little person had usurped thier place in mommies and daddies life.
Hi Merrie, thanks for you comments and the great advice! I always thought that number two would be a lot easier, as of course you are an expert by then, but I guess like you say, number 2 might be totally different from number 1 🙂 I do like the idea of getting the baby on our schedule, and luckily we managed to do that after I stopped reading the books!
Asta
My favourite baby book was “The Mother of All Baby Books” by Ann Douglas. She offers practical advice, but she’s also a big advocate of common sense.
In terms of advice… I’d suggest that new parents need a bit of time to settle in and get used to life with a newborn. Ask well-meaning visitors to wait for a couple of weeks before descending on you. I was overwhelmed with visitors in the first week and it was just too much for me.
Great post!
Hi RunningForAutism,
thanks for reading the article and for the advice, I agree with asking visitors to wait a bit before visiting – however, when I was in the middle of it I found it very difficult to say know, as I thought it was expected of me, and I didn’t want to come across as not dealing with the situation. Now of course I know better!
Asta
Throw away the books! (Just kidding..) I love books, but the advice on babies is soooo overwhelming. Go with your gut. My suggestion ~ watch the movies “Babies” It’s a documentary that follows 4 babies, from 4 different cultures for the 1st year of life. It’s a beautiful movie and it’s neat to watch the babies grow.
Great article!
Hi transplantedx3, wow – I will have to see that film, seeing babies from different cultures would be really interesting!
Asta
We parented to each of our kids’ needs. It felt right for us and has worked out well. I know other people that make a schedule and stick to no matter what. That just didn’t fit our personalities. We did fall into a routine, but we were flexible.
I’m going to look for “Babies” too. It sounds so interesting!
I’ve had the “Babies” documentary DVD on hold at the library, and it was finally there for me today — so ironic. I’m looking forward to seeing it this week, too!!! 🙂
Veronica Samuels
Hi Maggie, I agree with what you say about the routine being flexible. For instance we now give the wee boy his evening porridge at the same time everyday – but dinner (the meal before) is at different times everyday. My husband and I just are never able to eat at the same time everyday as there is always something different happening, or we are just not that organised – and so far it seems to be working ok 🙂
Asta
Great article, Asta! Between baby books and advice from friends and family early days of parenthood can be very overwhelming. I mostly kept the “What to Expect” the first year book around as a reference to check if things happening were normal (note: there is a section on “explosive poop” and it is, in fact, normal!!). I really loved “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Weisbluth and still consult it whenever our 2 year old’s sleeping habits change. We just moved him from a crib to a toddler bed and I needed some direction to help him stay put after bedtime. For me, that is a “must read” for all new parents, but in the end the advice in the books has to feel right to you in practice!
Hi Allie, I should have had that book, my book did not have a section on “explosive poop” – so that took me by surprise the first time it happened on the changing table, in the middle of the night! (Well, atleast I had an excuse to clean the bathroom, all though I do wish it hadn’t been at 2am, I really wasn’t in the mood for it) 🙂
I might have a look at the “healty sleep…” book – any advice to help them sleep is good 🙂
Asta
Asta ~ all of us moms go through the same challenges, no matter where we live. Any tips that you get that work are real gems! Any tips that you get that don’t work just means it wasn’t right for you or your family. It seems like you’ve found your balance and are trusting yourself, which is the best thing you can do (in my humble opinion!)
Hi Courtney,
thanks for you comment – it is always nice to hear that other mums are (or have been) going through the same.
Asta
Hi Courtney,
thanks for you comment – it is always nice to hear that other mums are (or have been) going through the same.
Asta
Asta,
The good news is that if and when you have your second you will be a pro!
it is quite confusing all of the different medical opinions from aaround the world, one country can differ so much from another. Although we live in ENgland I swore I would only abide by the medical opinions/advice from America. However, after having our second, I found it was better to pick and choose what worked best for me (as you did). How lucky are we that we have that option?
Hi Jenny, yes I think we are very lucky. In the beginning I had the feeling that what ever I did it was wrong – as there was always advice telling me to do things differently. But then I turned it around and thought that no matter what I do it is corret, as it all depends on who I talk to!
Asta
Asta,
The good news is that if and when you have your second you will be a pro!
it is quite confusing all of the different medical opinions from aaround the world, one country can differ so much from another. Although we live in ENgland I swore I would only abide by the medical opinions/advice from America. However, after having our second, I found it was better to pick and choose what worked best for me (as you did). How lucky are we that we have that option?
Hi Jenny, yes I think we are very lucky. In the beginning I had the feeling that what ever I did it was wrong – as there was always advice telling me to do things differently. But then I turned it around and thought that no matter what I do it is corret, as it all depends on who I talk to!
Asta
Asta – Thanks for sharing your story. I read a number of baby books with my first daughter and only a few pages here and there with my second who is now a year old. I believe in trusting your instincts! You are going to do a great job!
Thank you! I am getting better and better trusting my instincts (which quite often means that I ask myself – what would my mum do in this situation) 🙂
Asta – Thanks for sharing your story. I read a number of baby books with my first daughter and only a few pages here and there with my second who is now a year old. I believe in trusting your instincts! You are going to do a great job!
Thank you! I am getting better and better trusting my instincts (which quite often means that I ask myself – what would my mum do in this situation) 🙂
I’m just hoping the books are right about sleeping through the night at 6-8 weeks! I’ll be sorely disappointed if it goes longer then that. At 5 weeks now…
I’m just hoping the books are right about sleeping through the night at 6-8 weeks! I’ll be sorely disappointed if it goes longer then that. At 5 weeks now…
My little boy started sleeping through the night when he was 4 months old, hang on in there!
My little boy started sleeping through the night when he was 4 months old, hang on in there!