Last Saturday morning, there was a brief period during which peace and quiet reigned. I mention this because it is such a rare occurrence. Â Peace and quiet, much like Halley’s Comet or a solar eclipse, only happens in my house once every eighty years or so. Â George, who is seven and has autism, was constructing a Lego tower that could rival Toronto’s CN Tower in height. Â James, who is almost five, had enlisted me to play with him and two hundred of his favourite cars. Â We were all content. Â The calm before the storm.
All of a sudden, for reasons unknown, all hell broke loose.  George let out an ear-piercing scream of rage, ferociously threw his Lego against the wall and fled from the room. I took off after him, knowing that I had to get to him before he started smashing his head on the hardwood floor in the hall.  I reached him just in time and dragged him kicking and screaming back to the carpeted area.  With an expertise born of prior experience, I wrestled him into a full-length position on the floor, and then used my body weight to immobilize him. He was screaming in what sounded like anger, but was probably something closer to despair or frustration.
I lay there on the floor with him for maybe an hour, maybe more. Â I softly spoke reassurances into his ear – I love you. Â It’s OK. Â You’re safe. Â You’re a good boy. Â I love you. – hoping and trusting that my words were cutting through his frustration and his screams. Â Whenever I looked into his eyes, I saw utter despair. Â The kind of despair that twists your heart and makes you wish for the ability to take all of your child’s pain onto your own shoulders.
After a time, the screams started to peter out, and George’s struggling slowed down and then stopped. Â Slowly, slowly, I loosened my grasp on him, and he went limp with exhaustion. Â I picked him up – this tall, lanky kid with arms and legs everywhere – and he wrapped his arms tiredly around my neck as I carried him to the couch, laid him down and covered him with a blanket.
“Does Mommy love you?” I asked.
“Yes,” he whispered.
“Do you love Mommy?”
“Yes.”
I requested and received a kiss on my cheek, and then my son, who had exhausted himself with this massive explosion of energy, drifted off to sleep. Â And that’s when I heard a little voice behind me, saying, “Mommy, can we play cars again now?”
I turned around and there was James, looking at me with his arms full of cars and his face full of anticipation and hopefulness.  I fought back the tears threatening to erupt at any second, and gently guided James by the shoulders back to the playroom, where we resumed our game. About five minutes later, James climbed into my lap and softly said, “Don’t worry, Mommy. I will take care of George.”
That, of course, finished me off. Â I couldn’t fight the tears anymore, and they rolled freely down my face as I contemplated the fact that this child, who is not even five, has to deal with parental attention being wrenched away from him. Â And yet, he can show this amazing composure and compassion. Â I have a feeling that James wanted to comfort and be comforted at the same time. We sat there together for a long time, not saying anything, just enjoying a sense of togetherness and security.
I spend a lot of time worrying about James.  It cannot be easy being the sibling of a child with autism.  There are times when my complete focus has been on George, while James retreats unnoticed into the background.  It seems patently unfair.  James is barely more than a baby. He should not have to deal alone with the bewilderment of these outbursts.  He rarely shows distress when this is going on, and I worry that he is internalizing feelings of sadness, confusion and despair.
When my fiance and I are both home, it’s easier. Â There are enough grown-ups to go around to attend to the needs of both of the children. Â But when one of us is home alone with the boys, it’s hard. Â We have to choose which child to take care of, and obviously, we have to pick the one who is in danger of physically hurting himself. Â We fear that this is at the expense of our other child’s mental well-being.
Not that we ignore James, not by any means. Â Both, my fiance and I, endeavour to have “James time”, where he is the centre of attention, where we do James-centric things. Â We tell him all the time how much we love him, and he knows that he can come to us when he feels sad or afraid, at any time of the day or night. Â If he needs us at three in the morning, we’re there. Â We encourage him to talk to us about what he thinks and how he feels. Â We try to let him know how much we value him.
But are we doing enough? Is my concern justified or do I just need to chill out and trust my instincts?  How do other parents in a similar position balance the needs of their special needs children to the needs of their typically developing children?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Kirsten Jessiman in Toronto, Canada. Â Kirsten is WMB’s “1/2 marathon” mother who champions raising money for autism. Â You can also find her on her site, Running for Autism.
Photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/lorenkerns/4230688948/.  This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Kirsten Doyle (Canada)
Kirsten Doyle was born in South Africa. After completing university, she drifted for a while and finally washed up in Canada in 2000. She is Mom to two boys who have reached the stage of eating everything in sight (but still remaining skinny). Kirsten was a computer programmer for a while before migrating into I.T. project management. Eventually she tossed in the corporate life entirely in order to be a self-employed writer and editor. She is now living her best life writing about mental health and addictions, and posting videos to two YouTube channels. When Kirsten is not wrestling with her kids or writing up a storm, she can be seen on Toronto's streets putting many miles onto her running shoes. Every year, she runs a half-marathon to benefit children with autism, inspired by her older son who lives life on the autism spectrum. Final piece of information: Kirsten is lucky enough to be married to the funniest guy in the world. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to check out her YouTube channels at My Gen X Life and Word Salad With Coffee!
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Kirsten,
Nicely written, thank you for sharing. I think “mommy guilt” is common whether you have kids with special needs or not. I actually touched on this very topic on my own blog ~ I fear Jacob will grow up resenting the younger boys because of all the ‘attention’ paid to them. Doctor’s visits, therapists, blood draws ~ Jacob doesn’t differentiate between types of attention ~ he just sees that someone is paying the boys attention and not him. So I do the same as you- I set time aside just for Jacob. I do things with him that the other boys aren’t a part of just so he knows he’s just as special as they are. I think your instincts are right on.
take care~
Amy
Amy, you are so right. To James, attention is attention – doesn’t matter whether it’s positive or negative. Add to that the fact that I have to use different disciplinary methods for the two of them, and James definitely notices. The time alone with him is, I think, the best way to compensate him for what he has to go through.
Thanks for reading!
Kirsten
Kirsten,
Nicely written, thank you for sharing. I think “mommy guilt” is common whether you have kids with special needs or not. I actually touched on this very topic on my own blog ~ I fear Jacob will grow up resenting the younger boys because of all the ‘attention’ paid to them. Doctor’s visits, therapists, blood draws ~ Jacob doesn’t differentiate between types of attention ~ he just sees that someone is paying the boys attention and not him. So I do the same as you- I set time aside just for Jacob. I do things with him that the other boys aren’t a part of just so he knows he’s just as special as they are. I think your instincts are right on.
take care~
Amy
Amy, you are so right. To James, attention is attention – doesn’t matter whether it’s positive or negative. Add to that the fact that I have to use different disciplinary methods for the two of them, and James definitely notices. The time alone with him is, I think, the best way to compensate him for what he has to go through.
Thanks for reading!
Kirsten
Kirsten,
I cried my eyes out! Not only is the story so moving, but it was also so well written. I wanted to come over and play cars, too. A great piece!!
Veronica Samuels
Thanks, Veronica! I am so happy to have the opportunity to write for this blog. If you ever find yourself in Toronto, come over and play cars anytime you want!
Kirsten,
I cried my eyes out! Not only is the story so moving, but it was also so well written. I wanted to come over and play cars, too. A great piece!!
Veronica Samuels
Thanks, Veronica! I am so happy to have the opportunity to write for this blog. If you ever find yourself in Toronto, come over and play cars anytime you want!
Kirsten,
My heart goes out to you. Your strength has given a gift of compsure and compassion to James.
Thank you, Sunny! As Moms, we want to be perfect and we tend to second-guess everything we do. It’s great to hear that I’m doing OK.
Just fabulous writing. Real world for us… and painted with a brush with both detail dna emotion. Hugs your friend Wendy
Thanks, Wendy! Writing this has been wonderfully cathartic for me – hopefully other parents of special needs children who go through this can identify and know that they are not alone.
Just fabulous writing. Real world for us… and painted with a brush with both detail dna emotion. Hugs your friend Wendy
Thanks, Wendy! Writing this has been wonderfully cathartic for me – hopefully other parents of special needs children who go through this can identify and know that they are not alone.
You have me crying. I think you are doing a beautiful job and your sons are learning how to love from you. This is so well written and really touched me. Have confidence in your Mommy skills..you are doing a great job.
Thanks, Jen! You’ve touched on what I really want for my boys – to be able to love each other and enjoy their lives despite the challenges facing them. Thank you for the vote of confidence!
You know that I think you are an amazing mom in so many ways and I always love to read your writing. I know that you worry about James but something tells me that he is going to grow into a strong willed, compassionate man who knows how to truly love.
Thanks, girl! I’ve had some great support along the way, and I am thankful that James is as strong-willed and opinionated as he is! I think that’ll stand him in good stead in his role as George’s brother.
You know that I think you are an amazing mom in so many ways and I always love to read your writing. I know that you worry about James but something tells me that he is going to grow into a strong willed, compassionate man who knows how to truly love.
Thanks, girl! I’ve had some great support along the way, and I am thankful that James is as strong-willed and opinionated as he is! I think that’ll stand him in good stead in his role as George’s brother.
Your words are very touching and made me cry too.
I agree that you are doing a beautiful job raising your boys; you are a very good mom.
James shows patience and wisdom beyond his years. That comes from knowing that he is just as loved as his brother who sometimes gets more of your attention.
You are raising fine young men, do not doubt yourself.
Thanks, Kerry! Not trying to sound morbid here, but way in the future (hopefully!) when I reach the end of my life, I want to be able to look back and know that I did a good job raising my boys.
Your words are very touching and made me cry too.
I agree that you are doing a beautiful job raising your boys; you are a very good mom.
James shows patience and wisdom beyond his years. That comes from knowing that he is just as loved as his brother who sometimes gets more of your attention.
You are raising fine young men, do not doubt yourself.
Thanks, Kerry! Not trying to sound morbid here, but way in the future (hopefully!) when I reach the end of my life, I want to be able to look back and know that I did a good job raising my boys.
I absolutely loved your post. What a truly wonderful Mum you are. Your boys are blessed:)
I am “the other sibling”. My older brother was learning challenged as a child and required a great deal of attention from my parents. Medical appointments, specialist visits, brain scans, then special schools and lessons to find out why he did not grow, did not develop as other children did and to help him reach as much potential as possible.
You know what I remember about growing up with Mike? I remember love. I remember my mother spending special time just with me. Day trips, shopping. One particular moment that stands out for me. I must have been 6 and Mike 8. We had taken him to the children’s hospital for a neurological appointment. In the hospital was a wee carousal for the kids to ride. Ages 6 and under. My brother wanted to ride with me but the nurse wouldn’t let him. I stood there a mite of a thing lol and told that nurse that my “big” brother was littler than me and just because he was 8 didn’t mean he cant ride! She let him ride LOL. I remember sharing with him. Reading to him. I loved my brother, i still do. Even when now he flies into a rage of something small, I am frustrated yes, but i love him.
You are a wonderful Mother, and I am confidant that James will remember only good things. Loving things. And he will grow up loving his “big little brother” just as i do 🙂
Eve, thank you so much for sharing your perspective as a sibling to a brother with special needs. It sounds like your Mom did a great job making both you and Mike feel loved, and I really do hope that my boys can grow up with happy memories.
I absolutely loved your post. What a truly wonderful Mum you are. Your boys are blessed:)
I am “the other sibling”. My older brother was learning challenged as a child and required a great deal of attention from my parents. Medical appointments, specialist visits, brain scans, then special schools and lessons to find out why he did not grow, did not develop as other children did and to help him reach as much potential as possible.
You know what I remember about growing up with Mike? I remember love. I remember my mother spending special time just with me. Day trips, shopping. One particular moment that stands out for me. I must have been 6 and Mike 8. We had taken him to the children’s hospital for a neurological appointment. In the hospital was a wee carousal for the kids to ride. Ages 6 and under. My brother wanted to ride with me but the nurse wouldn’t let him. I stood there a mite of a thing lol and told that nurse that my “big” brother was littler than me and just because he was 8 didn’t mean he cant ride! She let him ride LOL. I remember sharing with him. Reading to him. I loved my brother, i still do. Even when now he flies into a rage of something small, I am frustrated yes, but i love him.
You are a wonderful Mother, and I am confidant that James will remember only good things. Loving things. And he will grow up loving his “big little brother” just as i do 🙂
I am sitting at work drinking my morning coffee with tears streaming down my face. I sometimes have trouble balancing time between my two kids (and they are typically developing children). You have just given me a new view into a situation I had not considered – for this I thank you. Your piece was beautifully written. You are a thoughtful, caring, loving mother…please do make time to take care of yourself too — your boys need you 🙂
Thanks for reading, Eva! Parenting can be a tricky balancing act for sure, regardless of the needs of the children. Thanks also for the reminder to take care of myself. That’s always the first thing to go when things get crazy!
Great post. It must be very challenging to balance the need of both boys. Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.
Thank you so much, Allie. It is challenging, but there are also times of great celebration and achievement.
Great post. It must be very challenging to balance the need of both boys. Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.
A very lovely post. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I look forward to reading more about you and your family.
Thank you! I am touched and overwhelmed by the wonderful responses I have received to this post.
A very lovely post. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I look forward to reading more about you and your family.
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Have a peek at my giveaways. Everything is handmade and gorgeous!
Thank you for sharing your story. I cried while reading it. Your boys will be fine, they are surrounded by love and they say, “love is all you need.”
Thank you, Courtney. That’s actually the philosophy that I follow. As long as my kids know that I always love them, no matter what, everything should be OK.
I relate so much, as I struggle with the same issue at our house. My son requires more attention at times, so I am constantly making sure that I am sharing myself enough, etc. Will write more to you later. Just got the computer back, so I wanted to check in, but I am off to go have girl time with my youngest.
I relate so much, as I struggle with the same issue at our house. My son requires more attention at times, so I am constantly making sure that I am sharing myself enough, etc. Will write more to you later. Just got the computer back, so I wanted to check in, but I am off to go have girl time with my youngest.