When I was a child, I despised the fact that my parents often said to me, “Veronica, don’t get your hopes up.” They said this to me a lot, and it made me angry. I felt that they didn’t want me to be happy, or didn’t want me to get whatever I was wishing so hard for. But, now that I am a parent, I’m beginning to understand why they felt the need to say this phrase in particular.
As parents, they couldn’t bear to see me so disappointed when I wished so high for something that they couldn’t provide, was impractical or that I couldn’t achieve. They loved me too much. But, I never heeded the call. I continued to live my life with my hopes up, and I created much disappointment to myself and created worry for my parents.
Growing up in New Jersey, USA, we were considered a low-income household back then. But, I had large hopes and dreams. The younger I was, these hopes were made up more of material items, and the older I became, they were more along the lines of opportunities or experiences.
For example, as a child I followed all the rules during the years that I asked Santa for a dog, a horse and a surfboard (hey, they were different years, I wasn’t that greedy). I did all my homework, I got straight A’s at school, I did all my household chores, and I kept my room tidy. I even said my prayers every night and went to church every Sunday back then. I was bound to get what I wanted most at Christmas! All three of those years my hopes were HIGH as a kite.
And, of course I heard, “Don’t get your hopes up, Veronica.” They knew. They knew these gifts weren’t coming. It didn’t matter how good of a person I was, how hard I worked at my tasks at hand, how much I helped others, how much I prayed or how much I thought about it.
On Christmas morning I woke up, ran into the living room, voraciously unwrapped my gifts, but no dog, no horse, no surfboard, in those respective years. Who didn’t like me out there? Why couldn’t I have what I wanted most? Some of my friends owned these coveted items. What more did I have to do????
(In hindsight, maybe a lesson in global stratification would have been very useful at this time to help me to realize how I HAD, in fact, on a larger scale, won the lottery. By global comparison, which was beyond my understanding at the time, I was, indeed, a “lucky duck” to have my low-income status in the U.S., and I realize this now.)
But, in a day or two, I would come to terms and begin to enjoy the gifts that I did receive. I sound like a real spoiled brat, right? But hey, I was just a kid, so cut me some slack. And, I will tell you now that when it comes to donating holiday gifts, I’m doing more than my fair share through various organizations because I “get” that feeling that kids get around the holidays. I know there are good children out there that deserve to get cool things every once in a while that no one else can provide for them.
So, I’m finished right? Lesson learned. Well, no.
I never stopped getting my hopes up. I never stopped wishing for good things, sometimes, impossible things. And, when they didn’t work out, I fell, and often fell hard. But, I always managed to pull myself out of whatever despair I managed to get myself into along the way: no horse, a college spring break I couldn’t afford to go on, a lost love, the death of my grandfather and many, many heartbreaking pregnancy losses, to name a few. And, I’m no fool. There will be more disappointments in life that I must overcome.
But, I will continue to get my hopes up and wish for things and set goals for myself. And, here’s why. Because even though my power to hope soooo high and get soooo excited about things and think soooo positively is dangerously worrisome to myself and those who care about me most, I look at all the ways in which it has made my life better.
These include my first trip to Europe back in high school (thanks to saving every penny from my job at an ice cream store), a summer across the world in Japan (thanks to scholarships), a private college education that I couldn’t afford (but could afford, thanks again to scholarships), a loving family, a loving husband who thinks he’s won the wife lottery (don’t tell him otherwise, ok?), my daughter who means the world to me, another child on the way who will also mean the world to me, good friends, a better income status and a lovely family in law (I’m even being honest here).
See, even though it is true that things can get disappointing in life, we all have a choice. We can either relish in the misery and stay there and achieve nothing, or we can pick ourselves back up, fill up our hopes again and keep trying for what fulfills us in life.
I choose to keep trying.
And, in turn, I will promise to encourage my children to get their hopes up and be the bravest of dreamers. Knowing that, as their mother, it is inevitable that I will lose some sleep and need to take a TUMS when things don’t go the way they expect, and they hurt, and I worry.
But, I will never tell them not to get their hopes up. And, I will relish in their enthusiasm when I see they can find the courage and strength on their own to get their hopes up again and move forward. And then, when they get to that point in life where they can do that, I will truly know that my lesson has been learned.
Parents often feel pressure to fulfill all of their children’s wants, even when it is out of their financial comfort level. How do you feel about this?
This has been an original World Moms Blog post by Veronica Samuels. Veronica is an avid recycler that thinks too much, so she blogs to keep her thoughts from going to waste. She can be found on her Facebook Page or on Twitter @VeronicaSamuels. Veronica is also a contributor to Jersey Moms Blog.
Photo credit to http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o140/ladykestrel01/thumbnails/GiftBox.jpg. This photo is being used in accordance with the photobucket terms.
Jennifer Burden
Jennifer Burden is the Founder and CEO of World Moms Network, an award winning website on global motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. World Moms Network writes from over 30 countries, has over 70 contributors and was listed by Forbes as one of the “Best 100 Websites for Women”, named a “must read” by The New York Times, and was recommended by The Times of India. She was also invited to Uganda to view UNICEF’s family health programs with Shot@Life and was previously named a “Global Influencer Fellow” and “Social Media Fellow” by the UN Foundation. Jennifer was invited to the White House twice, including as a nominated "Changemaker" for the State of the World Women Summit. She also participated in the One Campaign’s first AYA Summit on the topic of women and girl empowerment and organized and spoke on an international panel at the World Bank in Washington, DC on the importance of a universal education for all girls. Her writing has been featured by Baby Center, Huffington Post, ONE.org, the UN Foundation’s Shot@Life, and The Gates Foundation’s “Impatient Optimists.” She is currently a candidate in Columbia University's School of International and Public Affairs in the Executive Masters of Public Affairs program, where she hopes to further her study of global policies affecting women and girls. Jennifer can be found on Twitter @JenniferBurden.
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Veronica~You made me cry. And you are funny. This is a writing I want to read when I feel down. Your parents did a great job and they must be very proud of you. Keep up with it. You are wonderful daughter, wife and mom. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks, Sunny, and I’m glad you liked it. My dad e-mailed me after reading it this morning and joked about how I’m still not getting a horse. 🙂 At least we can joke about that now!
Veronica Samuels
I often find myself saying, “We’ll see,” and hope that my daughter will forget what it is that she has asked for. If she continues to ask for it, that tells me that she must really want it. But most of the time, I don’t hear her ask for it again. It’s so hard to not buy your child everything that he or she wants, but I think it’s important so they can value what they already have.
We’ve had some good talks about how she won’t get everything, but for being a good person, she’ll get some of the things she wishes for! That’s a great point about the value of things — if I inundate her with presents all the time, she won’t be able to appreciate the value of things either. I want her to be so happy in life, and be a good person. I guess it’s all about finding a happy medium somewhere.
And, we haven’t even gotten into the stages of real peer pressure yet. I’m really in for it! lol!!
Veronica Samuels
I use the term “We’ll see.” quite a bit myself! Most of the time I don’t hear the same request twice. My oldest has asked for a Nintendo DS for 2 solid years now, though. I think we have to give in and get it ~but it’s hard when younger brother asks for something simple like silly bands. Good post~brings back my own memories of asking for a horse!
Amy,
Two years in a row — that’s commitment! I can see your kids looking back at pictures…that’s the year that Santa bought ME a Nintendo DS and YOU silly bands. Some kids are easy to please! 🙂
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one asking for a horse. It is a little embarrassing admitting all that, so I’m glad that I wasn’t alone! 🙂
Veronica Samuels
Great post. I love your positive outlook in life, I know its not always easy. I find that I struggle with being positive sometimes when it seems that my dream of a second child will never come true. But, I always try to look at the bright side and be thankful for what I do have. As for the parental pressure, I sometimes find myself buying extra toys for Chase whenever one of his friends becomes a big brother or big sister because they are getting “big sibling” gifts and I wish that he was also. I guess I’m using that to assuage my own guilt over the situation, but I know that I should not be doing that. I’m working on it!! 🙂
Allison,
In my experience, it’s so ok to feel other feelings that aren’t positive. For me, I have to work my way naturally through them until I can reach up again sometimes. And, I’ve completely been in your shoes regarding the second child. Your baby will come!!! But, I understand the place you are in.
I wanted my kids so close in age in the worst way. But, each possibility has it’s own benefits — for me, I got to spend so much time with just Sarah. We got to do things that we couldn’t have possibly done together, if I had another child to look after at the time. So, remember that — Chase is getting his Mama all to himself in the meantime! And, I’m sure that means more to him than a gift. 🙂 You will be ok!
Veronica Samuels
What a great article.
As for in-laws, I am lucky enough to have two wonderful daughters-law!
Us grandparents can at least spoil our grandchildren, just a little can’t we 🙂
Thank you! 🙂 I’m glad you’re reading, and you are a great grandmother to your grandkids! 🙂
Veronica
What a great article.
As for in-laws, I am lucky enough to have two wonderful daughters-law!
Us grandparents can at least spoil our grandchildren, just a little can’t we 🙂
Thank you! 🙂 I’m glad you’re reading, and you are a great grandmother to your grandkids! 🙂
Veronica
I love your spirit!!!! This is why people gravitate to you, you are a truly phenominal woman <3
Jen,
Don’t know what to say — thank you!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
I’m glad to read I’m not the only mom who uses “we’ll see” 🙂 It is definitely a juggling act — a parent’s desire to fulfil his/her children’s wants (within reason), while also trying to teach them the value of things.
Eva,
I’ve been told that I have the memory of an elephant in joking (except for the short term memory — it sometimes escapes me!). But, my daughter seems to be following suit. I can’t get “we’ll see” to work!! ahhh!!!! She brings EVERYTHING back up in conversation. I can run, but I can’t hide!! lol!! So, I have to keep working on this… 🙂
Veronica Samuels
I’m glad to read I’m not the only mom who uses “we’ll see” 🙂 It is definitely a juggling act — a parent’s desire to fulfil his/her children’s wants (within reason), while also trying to teach them the value of things.
Eva,
I’ve been told that I have the memory of an elephant in joking (except for the short term memory — it sometimes escapes me!). But, my daughter seems to be following suit. I can’t get “we’ll see” to work!! ahhh!!!! She brings EVERYTHING back up in conversation. I can run, but I can’t hide!! lol!! So, I have to keep working on this… 🙂
Veronica Samuels
I enjoyed reading this… thanks for sharing! Your positive attitude is infectious! I am grateful that their are dreamers like you out there!!
I am a dreamer, too! Shoot for the moon, if you miss you’ll be amongst the stars! Where one door closes, another opens!
Courtney,
Thank you. But, you are unique because you are a dreamer with extreme self-discipline or maybe it’s that your ability to be positive is so great. Either one, it’s an amazing combination. I’ve never met anyone quite like you!
Thanks for the motivation! 🙂
Veronica Samuels
I enjoyed reading this… thanks for sharing! Your positive attitude is infectious! I am grateful that their are dreamers like you out there!!
I am a dreamer, too! Shoot for the moon, if you miss you’ll be amongst the stars! Where one door closes, another opens!
I find it hard not to give my daughter what she asks for because she does not ask for much. I am sure this will change as she gets older and see what her friends have and she may not. Thank you for sharing your story!
A. Roselyn,
That’s like Amy and the silly bands! I, too, often find myself saying yes when the requests are so simple.
I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like on the other side now when my daughter is in middle school and high school with the requests for stuff. So not looking forward to those conversations!! 🙂 I just think of what I put my own mom through!!
Veronica Samuels
I find it hard not to give my daughter what she asks for because she does not ask for much. I am sure this will change as she gets older and see what her friends have and she may not. Thank you for sharing your story!
A. Roselyn,
That’s like Amy and the silly bands! I, too, often find myself saying yes when the requests are so simple.
I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like on the other side now when my daughter is in middle school and high school with the requests for stuff. So not looking forward to those conversations!! 🙂 I just think of what I put my own mom through!!
Veronica Samuels
You are amazing! I have always thought that and still do to this day! I love this post and the fact that your Dad called you and said you still aren’t getting a pony. He makes me laugh! You work so hard for everything and your hopes and dreams give you so much drive. It’s admirable, to say the least! Keep dreaming!! I love you, my friend!!
Awwww….thanks, Maggie. 🙂 If there were no such things as dreams, I’d be so bored in life. My parents set good examples for me, and I hope to do the same for Sarah. The world changes when there is a child involved. There’s been times when I’ve been very lax in my past and in my work ethic, but having Sarah has reignited that flame for me, given me purpose that I was missing. 🙂 I want to raise an independent, strong thinking, smart, dreamer of a daughter! 🙂 And, I send the love right back to you. 🙂
Veronica Samuels
You are amazing! I have always thought that and still do to this day! I love this post and the fact that your Dad called you and said you still aren’t getting a pony. He makes me laugh! You work so hard for everything and your hopes and dreams give you so much drive. It’s admirable, to say the least! Keep dreaming!! I love you, my friend!!
Awwww….thanks, Maggie. 🙂 If there were no such things as dreams, I’d be so bored in life. My parents set good examples for me, and I hope to do the same for Sarah. The world changes when there is a child involved. There’s been times when I’ve been very lax in my past and in my work ethic, but having Sarah has reignited that flame for me, given me purpose that I was missing. 🙂 I want to raise an independent, strong thinking, smart, dreamer of a daughter! 🙂 And, I send the love right back to you. 🙂
Veronica Samuels
Ah yes, this was a trip down memory lane. I remember the year my sister asked for a horse and got a shovel. why? because my dad was a farm boy and horses take a lot of work including shoveling quite a bit of umm muck. Undaunted my parents began receiving calls for the girl who wants to buy my horse — she had called all the nearby stables! That was the year we were invited for free horse and carriage rides because the owners of the horses were so impressed by that spunky girl.
The next year it was high heeled clogs and satin everything. I absolutely loved being the fourth and watching all the adventure in our crazy house.
thanks for making me remember,
k
Karen,
That is hysterical! I don’t know what’s funnier, your sister receiving the shovel or your parents receiving the returned calls from the stables. What a determined girl! Why didn’t I think of that???
Thanks for reading! 🙂
Veronica Samuels