This is the story of a girl who adopted the world……
Okay, well maybe not the whole world. One baby adopted locally, and just recently traveling all the way to Uganda to adopt another, is pretty close. This picture says it all. The joy is tangible and brings tears to my eyes.
Deb and I went to high school together. I have had the privilege to partake in the adoption process, albeit vicariously, through Deb’s personal blog. It’s been an amazing journey for her and her family. And, in honor of National Adoption Month, I wanted to bear witness to this extraordinary love story. While the main focus of this Adoption Awareness Campaign is to encourage adoptions of kids in foster care, I think it should be a time to reflect on all types of adoption.
I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I would be interested in adoption given the quiver full of kids I already have. The answer is simple ~ I was adopted. As an adult adoptee, I am interested in the process. I am interested in the outcome. I am interested in the mindset of someone who searches out a child to make them their own. I am interested because my story is not like Deb’s story of love and adoration.
My story goes back to my Grandmother. Her family was very poor. She met my grandfather when she was 15, he was 21, a Sergeant in the army. The year was 1939. She and her sister slept in the family car because there was no room in their small south-side of Chicago flat. My grandfather came along, married her, and my mother was born a year later. She never finished high school. My grandfather was stationed overseas for the first years of their marriage, so she lived by herself, just 16 years old with a baby to care for.
My mother was an only child. She barely finished high school herself. She had one goal in life: to get married and have children. She never worked. She married my father in 1961. My oldest brother was born in 1962. A year later she had a miscarriage, and 2 years later my other brother was born. They were difficult births. Yet, she still wanted a girl. She liked frilly little dresses and wanted a little girl she could dress up and show off.
That little girl ended up being me. And I’m pretty sure I am the biggest disappointment of her life.
I know, I know, that sounds very harsh, but considering that my mother hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years,and only intermittently prior to that, I know I’m not far off. It’s taken me a long time to realize ~ it wasn’t me.
I am not the problem.
I look back at my childhood, and so much of it was isolated. My brothers were older, already in school when I was brought home. Until kindergarten, I was home alone with my mother, no preschool, no Sunday school, no other kids to play with. I remember my mother sitting on the couch everyday and watching soap operas. We lived behind a park and I used go out in the morning and come back in the evening. My mother never took me to the park. I went alone.
See, I wasn’t a ‘frilly’ kind of girl. I bucked at wearing dresses. I had no interest in watching TV. I hated playing with dolls. My mind was my own and for that reason alone, we clashed. She used my adoption as a way to break me down, hoping I would cow to her expectations. Evidently genetics are stronger than environment, because the more she tried to break me, the stronger I got.
Things my “Mother” said to me:
“I love you because I have to, but I don’t like you very much.”
“Do you know how much we spent to adopt you?” “You should be grateful we had the money to spend on you.”
“You’re no better than that B#tch who gave birth to you.”
“I know the name of that B#tch who gave birth to you, but I’ll never tell you.”
“You went to another family first, too bad that arrangement didn’t work out.”
“Don’t you ever shut up? That B#tch who gave birth to you probably couldn’t keep her mouth shut either.”
“You’re going to wind up just like that B#tch who gave birth to you.”
What I didn’t know until much, much later, is that my mother has mental health issues. But for me, growing up with the constant reminder that I was bought and paid for, that the woman who gave birth to me was worthless, it was a rough road to travel. I always found it odd that my mother had so much animosity towards my birth mother, which turned into animosity towards me. I still don’t understand it.
Only one of my brothers still has contact with my mother. She divorced my father after 42 years of marriage and moved to Las Vegas. My son, Jacob, was a year old when we finally broke contact. She has never met Jonathan, Zachary or David. My older kids no longer have contact with her either. Apparently, they are too much like me.
I do not hate my mother. I wish her the best and I hope she has found comfort with her new life. I often think of my birth mother, as well. I do not know if I am strong enough to search for her. I find my story is not typical, for which I am thankful. I know adoption can bring peace and acceptance. This picture confirms that.
What are your thoughts on adoption? Do you think I am obligated to contact my mother, regardless of our past? What about searching for my birth mother? Please feel free to comment.
This has been an original post for World Moms Blog by Amy Hillis of Ohio, USA. Amy would like to thank Deb Steiner and her beautiful family for letting her write about their adoption journey. Both photos were used with Deb’s permission.
When not reading other people’s blogs, Amy can be found at her own website, Transplanted Thoughts, and on Twitter @transplantedx3 .
Amy Hillis (USA)
Amy is a native Chicagoan that currently resides just outside of Cincinnati, OH. A city girl, through and through, she’s still adjusting to small town life. Amy has a Bachelor’s degree in Fine Art with a minor in French from Elmhurst College. She was working on her Master’s degree at the School of the Art Institute in Chicago, when she became pregnant with her 3rd child. Although this angel boy was only here for a very short time – he left quite a legacy. Nathaniel was born with a rare genetic disorder called Citrullinemia. Amy and her husband, James, went on to have 4 more boys, 3 of whom were also born with Citrullinemia. In January 2011, her youngest son, David passed away from complications of a liver transplant performed to 'cure' the Citrullinemia. Now a stay-home mom of 5, she started blogging in October 2010, while David was still in the hospital. Two of her other sons have had successful liver transplants to cure their genetic disorders. Her 2 older children still live in Chicago. When not hanging out with her kids, she spends her ‘me’ time writing, sewing, reading & walking. Amy also spends a generous amount of time online. She can be found on Twitter @transplantedx3. On Facebook and on her Website <a href="http://mytearstainedlife.com"My Tear-Stained Life
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This post resonates so strongly with me. I too am an adult adoptee. My parents were not able to have biological children of their own. For the most part, my experience as an adopted child was positive, and I am the world’s biggest fan of adoption as a result. I am so sorry you went through all of that hurt, and so happy you know that the problem was not you.
Are you obligated to contact your mother? Absolutely not. You have to decide whether her presence in your life would be good or bad for you and your family. You have to follow your heart. Don’t do it out of some sense of obligation or social expectation.
Same goes for searching for your birth mother. I did this when I was in my late 20’s. I searched for and found my birth mother, and through her, also got to meet my birth father. I didn’t do it out of any kind of longing – I was simply curious as to what kind of people they were and what the full story was behind their decision to give me up. I’m glad I met them, and I’m glad I’m still in touch with them. I know that I had a better life with my mom and dad than I would have had with my birth parents (not because they’re bad people – they’re not – just a case of circumstances).
You have to do what your heart tells you to. I wish you peace and love.
Kirsten
Amy,
Thank you for sharing your friend Deb’s story with us. It is so amazing, and I hope people will check out the link to her blog and her adoption story. 🙂
And, I know writing about your own adoption must have been so difficult for you. I hope you find some comfort in writing and sharing your thoughts. You have persevered and are truly an amazing woman! We are so happy to have you writing with us. 🙂
Great post!
Veronica Samuels
Wow, that post made me cry. I’m so sorry that you had to hear those things growing up, there are really no words to express how wrong that is. But, it seems that you are able now to look back at it with a healthy understanding (which is totally amazing, by the way) and despite how you were raised, you are a wonderful parent to your boys (I read your blog and all I can say again is “wow”). I look forward to reading more of your work. I have always wanted to adopt an older child when I am older and that is something that my husband and I discuss from time to time. Right now we’re struggling to have a second biological child and I’ve been thinking about adoption quite a bit although I’m not ready to cross that bridge right now. I wonder what it would be like to be an adoptive parent and have your child want to find his or her birth parent. I would hope that I would be supportive but on some level I wonder if I would feel insecure about it. Thanks for raising awareness about adoption and bringing up such an interesting topic. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. I was deeply moved by your article. I am so sorry that you had to hear those painful and terrible words that your mother uttered. It is such a shame that your mother chose to take that route in raising you. What a missed opportunity. I think your outlook on things is extremely positive. I don’t know if I could be as strong as you to not have hate for my mother if she did that. Kudos to you for not harboring such negative feelings towards her.
I am shaking my head at your “mother”. I have no tolerance for abuse towards children. I see them as such a gift and have no understanding for that kind of cruelty. I am terribly sorry that you grew up hearing those horrible things from her. It seems like you did the opposite of her with your own family, which can be very healing for you. I agree with Courtney, your mother missed out on the opportunity and joy of raising you and being their for her grandchildren. You are healthier without her. All my best to you and thank you for sharing. I know it is hard to put yourself out there.
Hello Ladies, Thank you so much for all your encouragement! There’s so much going on with David right now, I don’t have the opportunity to comment to each of you individually, but please know, I feel very lucky to have stumbled onto such a great group on online friends! Peace & Hugs~Amy
I am only now reading this post and am so deeply affected by your story. Your story is one of resiliance – look at the person you have become despite your circumstances. I worked for a child welfare agency for 6 years and hold a very special place in my heart for foster and adoptive children. I also think often about becoming a foster/adoptive parent. Thank you for sharing!
A little behind on reading and just reading your post now. I am so sorry to hear about the way your mom talked to you growing up – that must have been so hard!
To answer your questions, I do not think you are obligated to contact your mother. She could just as well contact you too. (Besides, you have your plate pretty full right now.) Perhaps a time will come when you feel like you would like to get back in touch with her? As for searching for your birth mother…I think that is up to you…definitely not an easy decision to make. I am always so curious, I think I would want to find her and see if there would be the opportunity to get to know her and learn about my birth family.
Thanks for sharing your post.