Tonight was the last time I will ever breast-feed. It’s a significant end of an era for me. This month is the ten-year anniversary of falling pregnant with our eldest son. I have my body back. Permanently.
To put it all in context it’s 120 months in total: 30 months being pregnant (3.25 pregnancies); and 79 months of breast-feeding. This all leaves a grand total of 11 months in the past 10 years when I could call my body my own.
I don’t begrudge the boys a second of the time I’ve ‘shared’ with them, yet I also feel a great sense of relief that it’s all over. I suffer immensely from baby-brain when I’m pregnant and feeding.
I become incredibly good at prioritising as I seem to move in low-gear. I constantly look like a train-wreck and have been known to hide in my pantry to avoid the mess in the rest of the house.
I am, however,  saddened that none of the three have self-weaned. The Hare, at 15 months, was down to 30 second feeds last thing at night, and I got fed-up and stopped. He cried for about three months afterwards every time he saw my breasts. (Oh Mummy guilt!) The Owl was still feeding, a lot, at the age of three years and eight months, and it hurt like doozy when he tried to feed while I was pregnant with the Butterfly.
So I weaned him. He still tells me how sad he was when he couldn’t feed. (The ability to speak in children is not always a good thing.) We’ve tried tandem feeding a few times but, seriously, feeding a four or five-year old just feels icky to my western brain. And now Mr Butterfly, all of 19 months and still wanting a night-feed. For him, too, I have made the decision to call feeding quits.
My Mum breastfed my youngest sister until she was 18 months old and then was pushed away: sis made the decision. I think I had always imagined that it would be like that for our kids. Before children flights of imagination have a lot to answer for.
I now have a whole different body to become acquainted with and I might even mourn my old one, which I liked. Recently, I stood in bra and undies in front of a full-length mirror, for the first time in ages and came home to tell Craig that I didn’t look like myself anymore. It turned out he already knew, but bless him – he’s never let on.
The stretch marks I have no issue with –Â for me they are badges of honour. The rest I am uncertain about. The whole shape seems to have changed. Bits sag in a serious way. Even my face is different.
I look like someone’s mother. (Oh. That’s right.)
The plan is to start swimming after our next bout of school holidays. That should tone things up a bit. I will wait for a few months until the chest region settles down and then I am off to have a proper bra fitting. I haven’t bought a new bra for the whole 10 years and fully intend to make up for that! (Mmmm, shopping without children.)
I considered having a ceremonial burning of all of my maternity bras, then I remembered that there are often women in the Pacific Islands who could use even these ratty cast-offs. So I’ll track down my contact and see if they’re still needed elsewhere first. (Perhaps, I’ll keep two to ritualise.)
I still have around 10kg (22 pounds) I’d love to shed, but have to say, I am seriously impressed with what my body has managed over the past 10 years. It’s no mean feat to grow a whole new person and nourish that person in a good but, let’s face it, parasitic kind of way. And I’ve managed that three times. Perhaps that’s why I’m so keen to show off my stretch-marks – damn it, I’ve earned them.
So, tonight was the end of an era for me. Now I fully intend to embrace the next. Once I decide what it is.
What significant endings have you had recently? How was it for you, when you realised the early stages of parenting were over? World Moms would love to hear your stories, too.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Karyn Van Der Zwet of Napier, New Zealand.  Karyn can also be found on her blog, kloppenmum.
This photo is attributed to Karyn Van Der Zwet.
Picture?
I slipped! It’s there now — my apologies, Karyn!
I think the significant ending was that I’ve birthed my last child, and that she’s growing out of her little clothes!
I agree with you — well done body for all you’ve accomplished, but need to lose a little and I’m just not the same!
I think your posts have the most amusing titles, Karyn — thanks for always making me laugh!
Veronica 🙂
Woohoo for claiming yourself back, but also little pangs at the thought of last time breast feeding -it’s such a special time. But now it’s over think bras without trap doors, lace even, ooooh, and white bras, white bras that stay white!
Helloo there my writing pal who left me for the bottom of the south island,
Yep, I’m very excited about not having bras with trapdoors *and* new elastic to boot! Said items of feeding might actually manage to defy gravity again. 🙂
(Vanda is a fab crime writer, everyone, you can check her website out here : http://vandasymon.com )
They might defy gravity one day, but you’ll never pass the pencil test ever again !
Cheeky!
Thanks Veronica, you’re allowed to slip!
I’m pleased my titles always make you laugh, and I know what you mean about small people growing out of their clothes. Our 20 month old is into 2 year old clothes and it *is* a milestone.
This is big stuff. I’m so glad you are pausing to honor your body and to develop new routines for yourself (like swimming). We rarely stop to consider that, once we become pregnant, our bodies are a means of generating and sending forth life. And as we nurse they continue to transmit life in the most direct way possible. They become, in a way, sacred vessels.
Hi Laura,
I like the idea of my body being a sacred vessel. I have certainly found the whole experience to be life-transforming. Thanks for adding your thoughts. 🙂
10 years! How inspiring, we give our bodies (and ourselves!) such a hard time, but what a miracle our vessels for creating and carrying babies and food to nourish these babies are!
I’m trying to focus on the miracle of my body and not the tiredness at the moment. 🙂 It is incredible what our bodies do – that’s why I’m not bothered by the stretch-marks…my badges of honour!
I just stood up from the floor where I was bowing down to you. Your commitment to breastfeeding is so inspiring. I only stuck with it for 3.5 months with my first son and 5 months with my second son. And I love how you added up all the months to really relfect the time you have shared your body on your journey of motherhood. Holy smokes…I am now just imaging what the numbers would be for my mothers, as I am the youngest of 5 children born over an 11 year span! Lastly, I relate to what you said about looking yourself over in the mirror. While I am around the same weight as before I got pregnant the second time, it all just looks different. I can see the older woman I have become and can imagine the elder woman I will be someday. Each pregnancy changes your body forever, but as you say with the stretch marks, we don’t have to view it in the negative. Here here to fun new bras and celebrating our life giving bodies! Thanks for yet another wonderful read.
Oh my goodness, please don’t bow. I just felt like the breastfeeding was something I could do for our kids and made it my everest. Sometimes it was a *very* big mountain.
I wrote this post a month ago, and am saving hard to go shopping when everything resumes its final position… I am very excited about the new bras!
How apt that I should be reading this now. I’m still breastfeeding my 16.5 month old son, including 2-3 night time feeds to get him back to sleep (yes, he still doesn’t sleep through the night). And yes, we still co-sleep. My friends say they salute me and I appreciate the sentiment. I do so enjoy it and clearly he does too, and he shows no signs of giving up. I really need to though, as I am planning to get pregnant again soon, but I have no signs of ovulation, and I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m still breastfeeding actively. Sigh. Do I sacrifice the needs and wants of my child for child I do not have yet? So tough. I still have no solutions!
So good for you Karyn, for taking that step. It’s your time now, enjoy it!
Hi Alison,
We have a three year three month gap and then a four year four month gap between our kids because I could never make that call! My understanding, and La Leche League will know more, is that you can/do ovulate if the child is eating solids sometimes and isn’t exclusively fed…We have five of us (including a nine-year-old!) sleeping in the same room over two queen sized beds. I never thought I’d be a bed-sharer but wouldn’t have it any other way and the kids tell us constantly how much they appreciate it. I *am* enjoying what ever time I can steal for myself these days – and if it involves a bit of shopping – bliss.:)
Wow Karyn – amazing! I related to your post because after too many unrestful nights, I recently decided to wean my 13 month old (which was not even an issue for our first, who self weaned.)
We too co-sleep and my boobies had turned into an open-all-night milk bar…it was getting to be a bit much for me. The changes over the last couple of weeks have been amazing – I am getting more sleep, waking up rested, and starting to remember things better! It makes me a happier person 🙂 I remind myself about this as I start to feel guilty about the fact that my 13 month old would still be content nursing as she looks for the breast when we snuggle at bedtime. Bittersweet.
As for getting your body back – YES! This week I finally feel like my milk has dried up. I had to pause and look in the mirror as well. While I am at my pre-pregnancy weight, I definitely need to start toning as you say….and also need to go bra shopping. Will think of you as I look through colorful, lacey bras at the store 🙂 Onto the next era – cheers!!
Hi Eva,
I had an all night milk-bar situation with our middle son, and it *was* hard work. And the 20 month old Butterfly still looks at my breasts when I’m naked and tells me he wants a feed – bittersweet indeed. But I am looking forward to this next stage of life – let the fun begin! 🙂
Oh my! Congratulations. You most definitely deserve a Mommy Bra Shopping trip. I can’t believe you haven’t bought new bras in 10 years. I remember the first morning I didn’t feed my daughter. It was agonizing!
I can’t believe I haven’t bought a bra for 10 years either…it wasn’t intentional, I promise! I am losing those pounds steadily, so set for a *great* shopping trip come our springtime. Can’t wait. (Might need new shirts too…shoes…handbags…skirts…hmmm, this could be fun!)
Hi Karyn
I got quite teary reading your post. Wow. I love the way our bodies change in order to create and sustain life. I am still breastfeeding my 14 month old and she is my first. So I am at the beginning of the body sharing journey! I am really envious of your new bras!!! Maternity ones are awful! Not a whole lot of support happening.
I can’t imagine weaning yet as we are both still enjoying it. But I am looking forward to that moment of knowing I’m ready to stop!
Have you read “the natural child” by Jan hunt?? I found it incredible.
Thanks for your words.
Hi there,
No I haven’t read that book – it sounds interesting though. Thanks for your comment, it *is* good to know there are other mothers around on the same wavelength!
I’ve just ordered ‘nuture shock’. I am really loving your blogs!
I’m pleased you’re enjoying my writing. It’s great to be able to share all of the information I’ve read over the past few years. 🙂