I am angry and frustrated, so I came here, to the blog, to vent. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but I need to get this out.
I am being paid to watch another child as a side job. For the past 9 months I have been through many milestones with the little boy from crawling, pulling up, first steps, walking, teething, introducing solids, getting rid of the bottle, sicknesses, nap schedules and his day-to-day care 5 days a week.
He is almost 15 months old, and with summer coming, I planned on taking him along with my two older kids ( 4 years and 6 years) to the pool.
It gets very hot and humid where we live near the ocean in South Carolina, so in the summer, you are either in the air conditioning or the water.
Tonight, this child’s father told me that his wife is uncomfortable with water and doesn’t want me taking their child to the pool unless my husband is also there.
Please hear me out before you side completely with his parents…
Of course, they are his parents and can make that call. I am very protective of my own kids and wouldn’t let just anyone take my kids to the pool.
But, I am a 30 something year old mom with 2 kids of my own. I was a teacher, have been CPR and first aid certified and have spent my life in the water. My oldest swims completely on his own and has been in swimming lessons since he was 2.
We also taught him to swim at home. My youngest is learning to swim and will most likely be swimming on her own by the end of the summer. For 6 months of the year, our neighborhood pool is open, so they get a lot of practice.
My youngest would always wear a life jacket, if I had another child with me at the pool, because I would need to watch them both one-on-one if they didn’t have a life saving device on. I don’t go to the pool to relax and drink in the sun. I play with my kids the whole time.
We play coral reef, mermaid island, shark and any other game we make up for the day. I would never let this other child out of my reach or sight and he would always have a life jacket or swim vest on.
I am very careful when it comes to water and kids. I would never take a risk with any child or put any child in harm’s way at all.
I am also a big user of sunblock. I have researched the different kinds because of the chemicals and the fact they we need to use it so often where we live. I cover my kids with sunblock so thoroughly, that it is a joke in my family. But, you know what, they are fair-skinned and do not get sunburned.
I just cannot sit in my house 5 days a week and take summer away from my children. I will go crazy, and so will they. I need to be outside, and it is too hot here in the summer to go to the park during the day. The slide burns their legs, and the humidity is ridiculous. The only relief is at the beach or pool.
I have taken this little guy to school events, the library, parades, shopping, out to eat, the park, the beach (winter), soccer games, to see santa, egg hunts, bike rides, walks and to play in the yard, but now I’m not allowed by his parents to take him to the pool.
I feel hurt that I am not trusted enough by them. My judgement with him has always been fine. He hasn’t had an accident or had anything negative happen.
I guess what made it hurtful was that there was no discussion. I was never asked how I would handle the pool or anything close to that.
I am giving them a month notice tomorrow that they will have to find someone else to watch their child. This isn’t the only thing that has happened. This is just the last straw.
I do believe it is a parent’s right to agree or not agree to pool time with someone else, but considering the circumstances and all the time I have had with their son, I am angry that I was just told pool is off-limits. I deserved the right to a discussion.
At least, they could attempt to understand my side, and we could have worked a compromise. Or, I would have understood better where they were coming from. Nothing was discussed.
So, you may agree with me, or you may not. Please understand that I do not think every sitter or nanny should take someone else’s kids to a pool, but I do believe this is one of those situations that is different.
What are your thoughts? Should the parents have discussed this with me? Would you let your kids go to the pool with someone else? Who?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Maggie Ellison of South Carolina, USA. Maggie can be found crafting with her children at home or playing on the beach with them in the low country of South Carolina, USA.
Photo credit to The Crazy Film Girl. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Well, I live in the tropics so I totally get where you’re coming from. To be honest, as my daughter can’t swim, I work with her carer to prepare both of us for taking her for a swim, e.g. I would probably want to observe their techniques in the pool. I would also realise that it is inhibiting the ability of your other kids to enjoy their summer and enrol my kid in weekend learn to swim classes!
What I wouldn’t do is insist on having your husband there. What does that prove? That your husband is capable but you’re not? I don’t see that as a solution at all. My husband and I are both very competent swimmers, growing up in pools and at the beach our entire lives, but I am a far more competent swimmer than he is. It seems to be a silly stipulation, and there is no room for negotiation in her solutions!
Good luck – I hope it works out.
Insisting that my husband be there, bothered me too. For one, he works and isn’t around during the day, so that isn’t a feasible option. 2nd, I am just as capable as him in the water. We both grew up at the beach and love the water. Putting aside any sexist reason for it, I am thinking he said that simply for the 2nd set of eyes.
I understand that they are hesitant about letting him go to the pool – so throughout the whole first paragraph I was siding with the parents… But as you have been looking after him for a long time (you are not just a random mum takin their kid on a playdate), and you have taken him to lots of other outings. As their decision also affects your children (as they wouldn’t be able to go to the pool either) I think that the least they should do is discuss this with you before making such a decision!
As parents, they have the final say, but considering the situation, a conversation about this would have gone a long way. Something similar came up several months ago, where they just said “No” to something before even hearing anything I had to say about it. I respected their decision and heard them out. It would be nice to have the same respect given back.
If they trust you to look after their child, then they trust you to look after their child no matter what the circumstances.I imagine that you provide twice as much care as what he would get in a child care centre and probably for a lot less money as well.
I have always found that when I look after other peoples children that I am often even more careful with them than my own. I feel sorry for the little person at the centre of this who will now have to adjust to a new person and new environment.
I completely understand your feelings of hurt and the decision you’ve made. While I understand the parents have a right to voice their concerns they need to also appreciate that you’ve been a second mother to the child and deserved at least a chance to discuss the situation.
In the end, your first responsibility is to your own children,at least now you can all enjoy your summer at the pool 🙂
Yes, I am very attentive to this little guy and give him lots of love and attention. By doing things with him, I am exposing him to things he wouldn’t do otherwise. He certainly wouldn’t have these experiences in a daycare. I have my Master’s degree in education and undergrad in Psy. I have worked in many childcare settings, elementary schools and on many social research projects for children. I am not just winging it here. I am very capable and would never put any child in harm. I am also not going to hold my children back from something they love and is good for them.
I do feel for this little guy, but I have to let go. His parents need to parent him the best they see fit, as I do with my own children. I don’t want them to do anything that they aren’t happy with. So, it is just I/e we part ways.
Thanks, Asta! I think what really got to me was that there was no discussion. I tried to explain to him how I planned on handling things, but it was like talking to a wall. I did give this family my notice the following day, but gave them 6 weeks because I wanted to give them ample time to find someone else. It is a quality of life issue for my children, but there were also other things that were not working out, so this was not the only issue. A few hours after giving my notice, they called to talk. The dad said he realized he never discussed this with me. At this point it, it was too late, but having that acknowledged, helped. The thing is, if they don’t want me taking their child to the pool, then I don’t want to them agree to do something that they are uncomfortable with. When it comes down to it, the situation was no longer going to work out for either of us.
I do watch another child and her parents said they are happy I will take her to the pool. They said that she loves the water and they trust me completely. I still explained to them how I planned on handling things.
Just so you know, I never planned on taking 4 kids to the pool. I planned on going when I only had my kids and 1 of the 2 that I was watching.
Thanks for listening to me vent!! It helped a lot!!
Another update…..the dad told me 2 days ago that if I give him notice, he will bring his pool stuff over so I can take him to the pool. What?????? This happened after he was late picking up his son and my kids were standing in their bathing suits for 20min waiting to go to the pool. I eventually called him and asked him if he could pick up his son at the pool, so I could take my kids there. My kids like to go after school and it is great for them. I wait until this little boy goes home, which means we don’t get to go until almost 6pm.
Oh Maggie. This is tough. As a parent of a 16.5 month old, I am at the stage where I’m VERY protective of my son. I could not envision someone else taking him to the pool. However, the parents of the little boy you look after is in a different situation from me – they have entrusted you with the care of their son from a very young age, and you’ve seen him through plenty. So I do agree with you that they should at least have talked to you about it before making a quick decision, which obviously hurt you. And to backtrack later, that just goes to show they really didn’t give it much thought in the first place.
I do hope you resolve this. It would be a shame to let go of a side job that provides the extra income. But it wouldn’t be worth it at the cost of your children’s summer time. Good luck!
I am very protective of my children, too. There are only a few people I would trust taking my kids to the pool or beach and they would even get a list of do’s and dont’s. I thought I made the short list with his parents, but I guess not.
The dad did say I could take him the other day, but I am not going to do that, not after all this. I don’t think that is really want they want and I can respect that for the next few weeks. I don’t want them to be pressured to say yes. I wouldn’t want want that for me.
So, it what it is. I am not as hotheaded about all of this as I was when I first wrote it. LOL!!! My blog was a rant that I wrote the night this happened.
Maggie, I hope the situation gets resolved in a way that is win-win for everyone. I feel bad for the kid, since getting used to a new caregiver would be hard! That being said, I also feel bad for you though because it seems like the parents aren’t being considerate of you as the caregiver. I consider my caregivers my partners in raising my kids since they spend so much time with them!
As for the pool, after reading all your credentials and being a former certified swim instructor myself, I’m on your side. What do they think is going to happen when they take their kid to swimming lessons? Unless they are private lessons, the child is likely to be in a group with 6 kids and only one teacher! I also think that by being so protective about the water, they could be passing on the mother’s fear of water to the child, which will not serve him well in the long run. Sorry, hang in there!
Thanks for your support, Eva!! I didn’t feel like they were considering me or my family, either. The way he said it to me and the words he chose made me feel like I was a child. Nothing I said at the time mattered and he kept repeating, what seemed like a line he had prepared.
When he called a few hours after I gave him my notice, then he wanted to listen to what I had to say. For me, this isn’t a game. I didnt “quit” because I didn’t get my way and I wasn’t pressuring him to change his mind. It was more than that, this was just the last straw.
Maggie,
I’m sorry to hear this! I’ve known you for a long time, so I would leave my kids with you in a heartbeat.
I can understand if a parent has insecurities about leaving their child with someone else in the water because that parent may also have insecurities about watching their own child in the water, too. But, conversations should have been had, where they could have asked you questions, told you more about why they felt the way the felt, and they should have given you the platform to explain that your intentions were to spend time with your children in the pool this summer and your qualifications in the water.
Then, maybe a compromise could have been reached. I’m sorry that the situation never got that far. But, I’m happy to hear that you will still be able to have plenty of pooltime with your children this summer!
Veronica 🙂
Thanks, Veronica!! I would leave my kids in your care without hesitation, too!
I started watching this boy when school began in august last year and I did bring up the pool. They didn’t object, but they did need someone, so maybe they just pushed that aside, thinking fall was coming and it wouldn’t be a concern for a while. I don’t know, just a thought.
Either way, things did work out for the best. This whole thing pushed me to do something that I was considering anyway. It was time and I needed a sign. I got one.
Hey Maggie…tough stuff. I hear what you are saying, you would have liked a discussion on the matter. Many times it’s not the message but how it’s communicated that makes all the difference. Alot of things have been covered in the comments, so I will just add that their approach seemed to not take you or your kids interests into account. Of course they need to think of their child first, but either they didn’t realize (or didn’t care) that by saying their son couldn’t go to the pool all summer, your whole family would also be sidelined. While you as the caregiver need to be thoughtful of their wishes for their child, the reciprocal should also be true.
Exactly right! Looking back, I can see things much clearer now and have realized that there were many times that they did not consider my family’s needs, but only their own. I always gave them the benefit of the doubt when they would forget to tell me that they would be at my house earlier than usual or pick their son up late, causing my children to be late for things. It would be a mini-series blog if I were to go into it all. But my eyes are no longer closed and I am calling things like I see it. I am looking forward to a happy summer with my kids!!
Totally agree with you on this Maggie.
Thanks!
I’m on Team Maggie!! They should have worked on a ‘pool plan’ with you and THEN if they were umcomfortable after hearing your plans regarding life vests and sunscreen, they could have asked for some kind of compromise. Seems like they treated the situation as ’employer/employee’ and not as if you are part of the boys life in such a meaningful way. Glad you are fine w the outcome and enjoy the pool this summer. 🙂
Thanks!
I know you never toot your own horn but I must say one thing for certain…they will never find another Maggie. <3
Yeah, but if both your daughter and their son were both simultaneously drowning at opposite ends of the pool, which one would you save?
I cannot find Addie’s post, but she commented on this and asked me if both my daughter and their son were drowning on opposite ends of the pool, who would I save.
First of all, both kids would be in a lifejacket or age appropriate floaty. I would never let go of their little boy, even though he would be in a floaty or lifejacket, because I would never want anything to happen. I also play with my children in the pool the entire time and they play with me, so I am not separated from them. The pool is 3ft and slowly changes to 5ft. My daughter can touch in the 3ft, which is about half the pool. Even though my daughter can touch in 3ft, I would still have her lifejacket on if I had their son there, because I would never take a chance. I would bring a stroller so I always had a place to put this boy down and be safe when we were not in the pool, but getting out to dry off. I am a smart person with a lot of common sense. I am not careless around water, especially not when there are children.
Your question doesn’t apply to me because I am very thoughtful and proactive in keeping ALL the kids safe.
I cannot find Addie’s post, but she commented on this and asked me if both my daughter and their son were drowning on opposite ends of the pool, who would I save.
First of all, both kids would be in a lifejacket or age appropriate floaty. I would never let go of their little boy, even though he would be in a floaty or lifejacket, because I would never want anything to happen. I also play with my children in the pool the entire time and they play with me, so I am not separated from them. The pool is 3ft and slowly changes to 5ft. My daughter can touch in the 3ft, which is about half the pool. Even though my daughter can touch in 3ft, I would still have her lifejacket on if I had their son there, because I would never take a chance. I would bring a stroller so I always had a place to put this boy down and be safe when we were not in the pool, but getting out to dry off. I am a smart person with a lot of common sense. I am not careless around water, especially not when there are children.
Your question doesn’t apply to me because I am very thoughtful and proactive in keeping ALL the kids safe.