Show me a mother who hasn’t been humbled by being a new parent, and I will show you a person in denial. Even those who refuse to admit how little they knew when they became a parent, I know, were humbled; they have merely misplaced the humility for the time being.
While very few of us love to admit being wrong, I am grateful that each time I realize I am wrong, misinformed, unaware, or clueless; I am usually learning it from my child. He is definitely the most patient and easiest-to-please teacher I’ve ever had.
How amazing is it that from the very beginning of the relationship the learning is reciprocal? Yet the things we teach our child – how to count, how to read and write, how to tie their shoes, while very useful skills, seem so inconsequential given what they teach us – humility, patience, the unending depths of unconditional love.
Each and every day we are like two babies, figuring out the world together. While he is learning how to roll over and to grab things, I am learning to marvel at the simple act of rolling from back to belly. I am learning how miraculous it is that our bodies are capable of so many different movements. I am learning to appreciate the ease with which I reach for and grab whatever I want.
The other day on the Seoul City subway, we were standing next to an older gentleman who was making faces at the little one, trying to get him to smile. My sweet boy is very generous and easy with his smiles, and so he obliged, much to the delight of this gentleman. Korean culture is deeply entrenched in Confucianism and a major part of that is respect for elders.
As the man was giggling at the little one’s smiles, I was observing the man and his shock of white hair, wondering what gems of wisdom he had and wishing I could communicate with him. The man, smiling, said something to me in Korean. When I apologized for not being able to understand him and explained I am still learning he spat out the following english words/phrases: you, me, like him, no war. I smiled and nodded in agreement, and then he very excitedly grabbed out of thin air the word he had been searching for and yelled, “Teacher!” as he pointed at my baby.
I guess we don’t need a lot of shared language to learn important lessons from our elders after all. Simply, learn from the children. The littlest gurus may be small, but their lessons are huge. My boy is a natural yogi, embodying all of the qualities that I try so very hard to cultivate. He is forever in the present moment, always focused, and completely uninhibited in his body. How do I preserve that? Does it go away naturally or is it nurtured out of us?
What do you think, Moms? And what lessons have you learned from your little teachers?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Ms V. in South Korea.
Ms. V. (South Korea)
Ms. V returned from a 3-year stint in Seoul, South Korea and is now living in the US in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her partner, their two kids, three ferocious felines, and a dog named Avon Barksdale. She grew up all over the US, mostly along the east coast, but lived in New York City longer than anywhere else, so considers NYC “home.” Her love of travel has taken her all over the world and to all but four of the 50 states. Ms. V is contemplative and sacred activist, exploring the intersection of yoga, new monasticism, feminism and social change. She is the co-director and co-founder of Samdhana-Karana Yoga: A Healing Arts Center, a non-profit yoga studio and the spiritual director for Hab Community. While not marveling at her beautiful children, she enjoys reading, cooking, and has dreams of one day sleeping again.
Follow Me:
Along the path of their lives I have learned many lessons and continue to learn even though they are all in college. The first and primary lesson I learned was that while they looked at me for leadership, direction and assurance in their youngest ages, they also wanted to be individuals and make some of their own decisions. I learned that if I allowed them to decide some of the things, like what to wear, what they wanted for a snack, I was encouraging their own decision making processes.
Probably more importantly I learned that if I made a mistake, I should apologize. Yes, even at the earliest stages of their lives, I learned to ask them forgiveness. This is a good thing as they were then socialized to apologize when they made a mistake and to take into account the feelings of others. This was especially important with my twins. To keep the balance between them, I was the teacher but they were also the teacher for me.
Many times I let them figure things out about sharing. My first idea was to get all the same of everything. Then I realized that was ridiculous, that in life they must learn to share many thing so why not start now. I gave them toys and told them to share them. If they did not and there was stress about it, I intervened with direction. “If you cannot share this, then no one can have it.” I only had to follow through once on that “threat” for the message to be understood. It was more difficult for me to carry out, but once I did, I was utterly amazed at the cooperation and appreciation they acquired for each other.
No path is completely straight, but each thing that you say and do has an effect. As they grew and became more independent, I was amazed at their power regarding their own lives, ideas and decisions. What took place next was unheard of, with all that is said about teenagers and their rebellious nature, mine seemed to teeter only on the edge of that. They worked through their issues and then when necessary consulted myself or their dad for help.
I had laid the groundwork very early on. When they wanted intervention in a school problem, we discussed it and i provided them with a game plan. I did not want to be the mother who came in and took over for them at the school. I told them that they should always try to work things out themselves.Giving them tools to do so, I would sit back and wait for the report. Often there was nothing for me to do beyond that. They grew to be independent. I would say, “I am preparing you for the rest of your life, I will not always be around for you to ask questions of, listen now and think about what you think you should do.If that does not work, we will send in Daddy. If that does not work, I will go in with the big guns!” That was an expression that they knew meant I would fight for them with everything I needed. (No guns involved!)
Sometimes it is the assurance that someone is standing in your corner, that is all you need to know. Sometimes mistakes are made. It is good to know that you have a tool to help right that, your sincere apology. We discussed many times what a sincere apology was and how to convey that. The most important thing anyone can do, even for the smallest child, is to encourage their independence, their own decision making processes and to be there as their go to person, when they need you.
What a thoughtful post Ms. V. I completely agree that we have so much to learn from the children. I have too had that thought if it goes away on its own or if it’s nurtured out of us. Wen my son was younger I often thought that he was an indigo or crystal child (a term that my sister told me about), and was afraid that we, as his parents and care takers, might squash his energy and spirit. I hope we haven’t (he’s now 5) and that he continues to grow and embrace it. I have learned ultimate levels of patience for my children. I have learned to play, and appreciate little things, like peeling a clementine (which my 20 month old has started doing). I have learned sigh language and new forms of communication. And best of all, I have learned to love so completely.
Beautiful post. You, Me, Like Him – no war. I love this.
Loved your post Ms. V. Sadly, I think it’s nurtured out of us. My 5 yo is so observant, share her thoughts, and is honest about her perspective. There is no filter and in our modern, try to be politically correct environment, I find it refreshing – I love it! BUt alas, in hopes of her not becoming a social outcast, I also find myself explaining to her why it’s not good to be SO honest all the time. For example, telling her grandmother that she is SO old because she has white hair, might not be so very refreshing to her grandmother 🙂
Keep learning with your little one. In my case, I think it’s made me self-reflect and made me try to be a better person with every lesson.
You’ve painted a beautiful scene that touched my heart. Thank you. I cannot capture as beautifully as you have how much my children have taught me, only to say that each and everyday I am more present in the moment than I’ve ever been before in my entire life and what a joy.
As a mother of two ‘bold’ and vocal kids, (believe me, they get bolder and more vocal by the day that I sometimes wonder if their behaviour are the products of myself), each day seems to be more challenging than the previous ones. Diapers and milk bottles are really nothing compared to the myriad of challenging intangibles faced as they enter teen (my older monster is 14+) and school life (they young monster is 8+). The things they ‘teach’ me are priceless and only a mother who watches them grow day by day get to see them, learn them and hopefully then able to put them in practice for their benefits. The lessons are not easy ones, they come with lots of anger, stress, hair-pulling, yelling at the top of the voice, racing heartbeat, pounding headache and not forgetting the endless power struggles with my defiant growing kids. My days are not complete without the constant drilling of moral values in them, hoping that, even though they tend to go in the right ear and out the left, one day when they grow up, these values are already in-built in them. Say what we want, it won’t be long before our kids will leave us. I still have only about 3-4 years before my elder kid seek complete freedom from me. He is already demanding for the elusive freedom he so yearns for. After that, hopefully, he’ll be able to lead the life that he has been working for (or rather Mom wishes he deserves) but not forget about his roots and parents who brought him to this world.
And before I become a mother, I didn’t know motherhood is packaged with so many other ‘freebies’. And I even wanted 3 kids, minimum. 2 is enough to keep me sane.