“When are you going to have another baby?”
I get asked this question at least once every week. At least, it feels like I do.
It seems that whenever an acquaintance runs into me while I’m out, or when we’re visiting extended family, the matter of when I’m going to give my little boy a new brother or sister has become a conversation piece.
It’s like the default question everyone asks me, perhaps when they can’t think of anything else to ask.
The pressure to have a second child has never been more real to me than it is now. I feel the power of suggestion from all sides.
For instance: I had one friend remark that having just one kid is “for slackers”; that was a bit of a jab! Another time, a relative made an “observant” remark that my scoliosis would only get worse with age, and that I should have another child before my bones totally max themselves out.
Still another relation exclaimed that I should have as many children as possible, so that in my old age, they could take care of me.
I totally understand where all the pressure comes from. Filipinos place a high value on having children, especially after marriage. I deal with this societal pressure every day, and in my own family, too: My grandmothers — both still incredibly full of life in their late 80s — have 11 and 8 children, respectively.
In my family, both my sisters-in-law are expecting their second child by the latter part of this year. I know of at least five of my online friends who are pregnant and giving birth before the summer is over. The message rings clear to me: When are YOU having your next baby, Martine?
Well, the answer is, folks: I don’t know. And I don’t seek to know when, either.
What I do know is that I’m not planning to have another baby any time soon, at least until I feel like I want to, or I am ready to.
For the record, I do want to have another child. I would like my son to experience the joy (read: squabbles, food fights, toy negotiations, etc.) that comes with having a brother or sister. My husband — who is an only child — would also love for our son to grow up with a younger sibling to watch out for, and be a “kuya” (Filipino for “older brother) to. I’ve even seen in dreams what it might be like to have a second child. We’re expectant, and we fully intend to bring another child into this world. Just not right now.
If it happens that I get pregnant, then I’ll be genuinely happy and expectant; really, I’ll be over the moon because I’ve got a Pinterest board of nursery ideas I’m just so ready to act on. But until a “happy accident” happens, or I intentionally plan to get pregnant (because I practice NFP, or natural family planning), then I’m content as the mom of one.
Are you dealing with pressures to have another child? Is the pressure the same in your country? How have you handled it?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Martine de Luna in Manila, Philippines. Martine blogs over at Dainty Mom, and can be found daily on Twitter @Dainty_Mom, and on Facebook. Photo: Author’s own.
I remember that same pressure in the US! Only, I was trying to get pregnant, and getting frustrated that it wasn’t happening.
You are listening to your heart, Martine. And that is what’s important. You’re the one responsible for taking care of the child, not everyone else! So, when and if you’re ready, go for it!
Jen 🙂
Hi, Jen! You’re right about listening to our hearts. I believe I’ve been following mine. I do want to have more children, but perhaps when my mind, heart — and body!– have reconciled with the idea. My husband and I have both agreed that we also need to both be ready for a new addition to our family. 🙂
Great post, Martine! I love having 2 kids, but the timing of and decision about that is 100% personal and different from person to person! It’s amazing how people seem to think it’s their business or that they know what’s best for anyone else. On the other hand, I think some people are well-intentioned and are just curious or want to share the joy they have experienced as parents of more than one. At any rate, good writing and best wishes! 🙂
Hey, Shannon! I know what you mean. I believe that people with more than one kid are honestly just happy about their situation. I’d love to have another child, especially since I had siblings growing up (I have two brothers).
Thanks for stopping by to read! I hope you also enjoyed the other mom-articles in this week’s travel itinerary. 🙂
Both of my children came to me through adoption and I get the following question all the time: “when are you going to have some of your own?” Well, my kids are my own 🙂 But we are not planning to have children biologically, yet we feel pressure from people all the time! It is hard for some people to understand, but we just keep following our own hearts. We do want more children when the time is right, but until then I just have to laugh at everyone who asks. Good for you for following your heart and doing things in the way that are best for you and your family.
Hi Lauren,
My heart just sank when I read this, “When are you going to have some of your own?” You are so right. Your kids are your own, what are they thinking????
Jen 🙂
My heart sank too! Such a mean thing for people to say!!
Hi, Lauren.
That is right: Your children are YOURS, and that’s all that matters. I think adoption is an incredible thing, and I so admire you for opening up your heart to these kids this way.
I was asked when I was having my second, when I was still in hospital with my first – so I hear you. I think it’s sad that people do feel this pressure, and it must be very difficult for people with infertility issues. Interestingly, The World Health Organisation recommends a three to five year gap, where ever we live, in order to maximise maternal and child health.
Hi, Karyn! I do agree with the three to five year gap. As a breastfeeding mom, it’s also better for both me and my child, too. I still nurse my son, even if it’s just once or twice a day, and I purposely practiced extended breastfeeding (that is, beyond 12 months) because I believe it will really make a difference in my son’s development. I actually decided to work from home full time because I wanted to be able to breastfeed him and because he wasn’t taking expressed breast milk.
I understand what you mean about those being pressured to have kids, yet have fertility issues. It is a real, painful and emotional place for many, and I even co-wrote an eBook once about it. It makes my heart break to think of how many of these women want to have kids, yet have to deal with other people’s opinions and preconceived notions about how easy it is to get pregnant. It’s sad.
Great piece Martine! As the dad of a 1 y/o with a second one right on her heels (coming this August), we get the opposite advice: “Have you heard about family planning?” “I just want to know that your kids will have a good quality of life.” Even borderline inappropriate advice like “Have you ever heard of pulling out?” And so on and so on. My response: relax folks, we’re approaching 2 kids, not 12. 😛
Hey, BROTHER. (Folks, this is my younger brother.)
Haha, I can imagine what that must feel like. I guess we can’t please everybody, and we shouldn’t! Our families are OUR turf, and you’re absolutely right about the advice to “relax.” I would have said, “Have you heard of minding your own business?”
I don’t get pressured but I do get asked about it. I tell them next year because that’s when I feel I’m ready. I think relatives always mean well but they can be really tactless.
I don’t get pressured but I do get asked about it. I tell them next year because that’s when I feel I’m ready. I think relatives always mean well but they can be really tactless. All the best in dealing with them! 🙂
Relatives, yes, they always want to give advice, but a lot of times it’s unsolicited. I keep telling them that I’m going to try for next year, too, and even that’s not enough, LOL! Oh well, can’t win ’em all.
Having just had my second 2 months ago I think you are incredibly wise to wait until you are completely ready. It’s not easy and all of those people who are prodding you to have another will NOT be there in the middle of the night when the baby is up crying and your toddler is screaming from a nightmare at the same time.
I really loved your post. It’s so interesting how free people feel to tell you what to do in some (probably most) countries. I get unsolicited parenting advice here in Kenya all the time, much more than I would in the states. It can really test your will, but it sounds like your will is strong. : )
Thanks, mammamamzungu. Yes, I want to be ready. I know I’ll be emotional if I get pregnant at this stage in my life. Regarding being strong-willed: I am quite obstinate at times. I set my mind to do something and get frustrated (sometimes to a fault) if things don’t go my way. It can be a strength, but it can also be a double weakness. All I know is that — regarding a second child — I’m determined to wait just a little while longer! 🙂
I love your post! And I agree with Maman Mzungu on how people love to give you unsolicited parenting advice all over the globe! Here in Brazil people used to have huge families (my own grandmother had 15 children), but now most people have 1, 2 or 3 at the most. Now that I have two children, I have started getting the opposite kind of comment. “You’re not having any more kids are you?” or “You have connected your tubes now I suppose?” Most people are surprised when I say I want a third child (though only in a few years!) Its funny because I never wanted to have children at all, and now I really want to have three! I love being a mom! 🙂 My husband (who comes from a family of four) would like at least 4 and has been trying to convince me, but I can’t see myself with more than three!
Oh my goodness! That comment about the tubes just takes the cake!
I completely get you about wanting more kids. I always wanted kids, but early in my days as a mom, I was like “What the heck am I doing raising a kid?” I had a lot of self-doubt, which I shrouded in a facade of contentment. Inside, I was freaking out and scared to be a mom. I guess I still deal with that apprehension to this day, when people ask me about having another kid. I need to deal with this, talk about it and release myself from the uncertainty of having a second child. It’s taken me a while to even admit it! I’m glad WMB became a venue for this; it helps to have other moms support me on this journey.